Book 9: A Life of Failure

For innumerable evils have besieged me, and my iniquity has overtaken me, so that I cannot lift up my head.

She pushed the door open and went in and saw her mother, dressed in a blue and white hospital gown, lying on the hospital bed on a drip.

Li Shumin leaned her head and slept with her eyes closed. His dry, furry hair was messily spread on a white pillow, his face was sallow and bloodless, and his cheeks were sunken.

Liu Mianmian walked over gently, sat on the edge of the bed, and saw her skinny hands with white medical tape.

Tears burst out of the embankment.

She couldn't help but hide her face in her mother's arms, clasped her hands tightly around the edge of the bed, and sobbed quietly.

Li Shumin slowly opened her tired eyes, looked around weakly, and saw her crying daughter.

She pursed her dry lips and grinned happily, "Mianmian, why are you here?" He stroked his daughter's soft hair.

Liu Mianmian raised her head, with crystal tears on her face, and her eyes were red: "Mom, what's the matter with you?" She couldn't help crying again, and said aggrievedly: "If you don't tell me when you're sick, why don't you tell me, Mom!" ”

Li Shumin also had a trace of tears in the corners of her eyes, tried to hide it, sat up and said, "Mianmian is not afraid, my mother is fine, you also know that I have always been such a sick body." ”

Liu Mianmian put the pillow behind her waist, helped her lean on, and choked up: "I know everything, and you still hide it from me." ”

Li Shumin looked at her daughter apologetically and sadly and said, "Mianmian, I'm sorry, I'm not a good and competent mother!" She burst into tears: "But you are such a sensible and good boy." ”

Liu Mianmian held back tears and stepped forward to hug her: "You are a good mother, you are my favorite and most beloved good mother, so please work hard to cooperate with the treatment, don't let me be scared and worried, okay?" Mom! After saying that, her tears flooded again.

After settling his mother for lunch, Liu Mianmian came to Director Qi's office again, he was about to go to the cafeteria for lunch, when he heard Liu Mianmian say that he was Li Shumin's family, he hurriedly returned to his seat and beckoned Liu Mianmian to sit down.

"Your mother's condition is not very good, she is already in the advanced stage of breast cancer, which is theoretically impossible to cure, and surgery does not help too much for late cancer. But don't be too disappointed," Director Qi looked at Liu Mianmian and continued: "In her current situation, she should still focus on systemic treatment, that is, chemotherapy or targeted therapy, which can prolong her life and improve her pain." ”

"Chemotherapy," Liu Mianmian said dryly, "With various treatments, how many years can her life be extended?" ”

Director Qi looked at the sad girl in front of him, and couldn't bear it, but he still calmly told her: "It mainly depends on the patient's own physique and psychology, and some patients have a poor mentality, and as a result, they passed away before the treatment began." Therefore, it is necessary to maintain an optimistic and positive attitude and cooperate with our doctors' treatment, of course, there are many examples of patients who have survived with tumors and have a very good quality of life. ”

Liu Mianmian only felt that her eyes were black and desperate.

Standing in the long corridor of the hospital, Liu Mianmian didn't know who to call and who to confide in at this moment. She dialed her father's mobile phone first, Liu Shijun was unusually silent after hearing the news, and then said to Liu Mianmian: "Dad only came to the project this morning, and a batch of materials was sent in advance, and everyone on the project has returned from vacation, so I have to keep an eye here." I'll let Yang Jing come over and help you, and accompany you by the way! "Yang Jing is Liu Shijun's girlfriend.

After hanging up the phone, she wanted to call Zhao Xiaochan, but after thinking about it, it was annoying enough for Zhao Xiaochan to take care of the children at home.

She was holding her phone in a daze, her whole person felt a little shaky, and the loneliness and fear that she had never felt before occupied her whole body.

"Little Wonderful!" Guan Runhao came from the corridor, and at this time he had already taken off his white coat, put his hands in his trouser pockets, and called her with white teeth.

Liu Mianmian turned around when she heard the sound, and felt that today's Guan Runhao seemed to be a little majestic.

"Let's go, I'll take you to dinner!" Guan Runhao said coolly, turned around and pressed the elevator.

Liu Mianmian was still stunned.

Seeing this, Guan Runhao came over and took her hand and walked to the elevator, squinted at her and said, "I never invite women under the age of forty to dinner, you broke my ring today, it's amazing!" ”

Liu Mianmian sneered and said, "What kind of tattered precept are you, slamming the door is slamming the door, who is a woman over forty years old who has time to accompany you to eat!" ”

Guan Runhao also laughed.

The two came to the shopping street opposite the hospital, followed the escalator to the third floor, and came to a Japanese restaurant called "Taste & Love".

The restaurant is elegant, clean and relaxed, and the two of them sit cross-legged on tatami mats and read the menu around the warm table.

Guan Yunhao ordered a salmon and avocado salad, salt-grilled yellow croaker, and a tomato ramen. Liu Mianmian ordered eel sushi and asked for a bowl of udon.

"Drink something? Celebrate the New Year. Guan Runhao proposed: "Wine?" ”

"Don't you go to work in the afternoon?" Liu Mianmian asked: "I can't drink, and I have to take care of my mother." ”

"No, there are special circumstances to come here today." Guan Runhao said: "You can just have a drink, it's okay." ”

He called the waiter and asked for a pot of sweet sake, and by the way, he added a roast beef tongue.

"I understand your mother's situation," Guan Runhao said compassionately: "You have to be stronger, enlighten and encourage her, ask her as much as she thinks, and do whatever she wants." ”

"My mind is still a little confused, I know this bad news, but I reject it in my heart, deceive myself, and don't want it to be true, but I have to face it, it feels like a dream, but when I think that it is not a dream, I start to be afraid again, and my heart is at a loss." Liu Mianmian looked at Guan Runhao uncertainly: "Can you understand what I mean?" ”

Guan Runhao didn't answer her words, but looked sideways at the window next to him and said: "Mianmian, look at how many people are bustling outside this window, tall, short, fat and thin, happy and sad, young and old, rich and poor." He turned to Liu Mianmian and stared at her: "But can you imagine that in a hundred years, they will all die?" Including you and me. Yes, it's dead, gone. ”

Liu Mianmian looked at him abruptly.

"From the day I studied medicine, I was in contact with dead people, and at first I thought death was terrible, until later in the operating room, I had to saw off the legs or arms of some patients, and when the patients woke up, they relied on themselves to find a way to convince themselves, and then spent the rest of their lives learning to accept the cruel truth, at that time I was afraid that it was more uncomfortable than death." Guan Runhao rubbed the corners of his eyes tiredly, and continued: "I hope you accept the reality, face up to the current actual situation, and prepare yourself in advance. ”

Liu Mianmian's brain exploded, and she asked Guan Runhao: "What else is there to hide from me?" ”

"It's been transferred to the lungs," Guan Runhao couldn't bear to look at her and said, "Your mother has now developed symptoms of chest pain and cough, and she will also have hemoptysis later, causing difficulty breathing." ”

Liu Mianmian suddenly spun around, her whole body propped up on the table, and her face turned pale.

"From now on, you can't cry, eat well, rest well, take good care of your mother, reassure her and make her feel happy." Guan Runhao poured a glass of sake and handed it to her: "None of us know what will happen tomorrow, so we can only let ourselves try our best today and not regret it tomorrow!" ”

The clear and transparent wine is drunk as soon as it is drunk, and the five flavors of sweet, sour, bitter, astringent and spicy swept over in an instant, but it is soft and pure in the throat.

That's her mother. He who gave birth to her, raised her, gave her blood and bones.

Liu Mianmian burst into tears, she naturally understood that life and death were unreasonable, but this day came too suddenly, even though their mother-daughter way of getting along was more rational than others, but blood is thicker than water, and children with mothers always have a bottom in their hearts.

She always thought that her mother would be with her for at least another thirty years.

At night, Li Shumin pulled out the needle, but she didn't feel sleepy, so she leaned on the bed and thought about things. Liu Mianmian has already transferred her to a single ward with the help of Guan Runhao.

Liu Mianmian dragged a green simple marching bed in and spread it on the side of the bed by the window, Li Shumin looked at her and smiled.

Liu Mianmian also smiled: "What do you want me to do?" The look in his eyes is so strange. ”

"When I was young, I always felt that having children was a troublesome thing, and I had a headache when a small lump of flesh would grow up, who expected that time would fly by, and in a blink of an eye, I would become the one who was taken care of." Li Shumin is in a good state today, and she is very happy to see her daughter.

"Me too, as long as my mother is here, no matter where I am or what situation I put in, I have the courage and confidence in my heart." She slowly knelt down, held her mother's hand tightly and said, "So for me, can you work harder and try to make yourself better?" ”

Li Shumin looked at her deeply and said with relief: "I'll do my best!" ”

Liu Mianmian sat upright and reached out to hug her.

Both mother and daughter choked up.

After turning off the lights and lying down, with the faint light outside the window, Liu Mianmian looked sideways at the hospital bed, and Li Shumin happened to be looking at her.

"Mianmian, I look at the regularity and it's not bad, the work is serious, the character is decent, and there are no those messy scandals and rumors." Li Shumin said deeply: "It is already considered clear among the rich sons. ”

Liu Mianmian smiled: "He is a person who knows what he wants, which is really rare." ”

"And what do you want?" Li Shumin asked.

Liu Mianmian thought about it, stretched her waist and said, "Eat and wait for death!" ”

Li Shumin was extremely distressed and said: "You are still young, you don't dare to have such an idea, although life is just a play in the final analysis, but you still have to work hard to be a good actor. ”

Liu Mianmian sneered and said: "Mom, how can there be such persuasion, I see through everything in and out of my words, and persuade me to go up." ”

Li Shumin also smiled, looked sideways at her daughter and said: "Some processes are still very sweet, such as the frolic when you were young, the longing when you were young, the love and happiness when you were young, and the joy of having children." She thought for a moment and continued: "There is also the food and the beauty to live up to. ”

Liu Mianmian was silent when she listened, thinking about something.

Li Shumin looked at her well-behaved daughter steadily, with white and clean skin, neat eyebrows, eyes that are always full of kindness, a small and delicate nose, and red and crystal lips. Her eyebrows and eyes actually look very much like her grandmother.

Thinking of her mother, Li Shumin couldn't help but feel sad.

"Mianmian, if there is really one day when my mother leaves, don't be sad, maybe it will be a relief for me, I have been a great failure in my life." She turned her head to look at the ceiling and said, "Your grandparents gave birth to four children, and I am the only daughter, so I have been pampered by my parents and brothers since I was a child, but I have never served my knees." After getting married, he always complained that his husband was too utilitarian, but he enjoyed the comfortable life brought by his utilitarianism. After giving birth to you, I gave full authority to your grandmother to upbring, fortunately you will be so good, there is no arrogance and bad habits, and I owe it to your grandmother. Li Shumin sighed: "I have been following the tide all my life, relying on others to pave the way for me, just go along." Even with your father, I only enjoyed the joys and sorrows with him, and never shared the hardships with him. ”

Liu Mianmian said with relief: "That's because you are blessed." ”

"In fact, there is no sense of responsibility and responsibility." Li Shumin made up her mind: "I never thought about paying, and I always blame others for being reckless." I lived to be fifty-four years old, and I didn't even pay half of you. ”

"How so? Your arrival made my grandparents happy, and marrying my father also brought him a happy life and gave me life," Liu Mianmian explained: "We are all willing to spoil you, how dirty the world is, it is rare to have a lotus flower around us who is not familiar with the world, and it is too late for us to hold it in distress!" ”

Li Shu looked at her daughter sensitively and said, "My biggest contribution is to give birth to you, Mianmian, you always make me proud." ”

Liu Mianmian winked at her proudly.

"But mom hopes that you will be more free and easy, don't always be bound by things you don't want to do, maybe some things are destined to be helpless and can't change or refuse, but there are still some things, in fact, as long as you want to, you can still fight for it." Li Shumin looked at her daughter anxiously and said, "I don't want you to have regrets like me, it's normal to live for decades and follow the laws of heaven as you like." If it is right, it can enter your heart, you try to work hard, if not, then end it as soon as possible, what if you are despicable! ”

Liu Mianmian was sad and lonely.

"Don't worry about me, Mom, my life is calm and fulfilling now, as for the rest, there is a fate for me, so why should I worry about it?" Liu Mianmian said with relief.

How did she tell her mother, in fact, it took Liu Shijun less than four years to withdraw the IOU. She is already free, but they hide it from their parents, relatives and friends, so that the relationship between Wu Zhengze and Guan Runhao can be covered by an eaves.

It's just that she really has nowhere to go, she is used to work and life here, and normal days are her greatest desire, and she learned from Su Rui that the person she is hiding in her heart is not married yet, she doesn't expect anything, and she doesn't mean to continue the relationship. It's just that I subconsciously want to see him get happiness first, so that his sins seem to be less.

Mom stayed up until the summer and left peacefully. She spent her last days swollen and out of shape, begging her daughter on a ventilator to bury her next to her parents.

The cemetery is on the far hill on the outskirts of Lizhou City, and the rows of tombstones are solemn and gloomy, looking like neat soldiers.

Liu Mianmian knelt in front of her mother's tombstone and placed a handful of daisies in the center, "Mom, have you seen your grandparents?" Is it finally a chance to accompany them. ”

In a person's life, some wounds can be healed, and some parting will take away part of the soul.

Even a part of the body will be drained away. And forever, until death.

Liu Mianmian began to suffer from insomnia, fear, guilt, frustration, and even numbness for a long time.

I didn't go to the doctor until the work was no longer working properly. First, after various examinations, the heart, liver, spleen, lungs, and brain were all the same, until the psychiatric department issued a diagnosis certificate for her: acute post-traumatic stress disorder.

"Pay attention to rest, pay more attention to your diet, watch more comedy movies or beautiful things, and don't have psychological pressure and burden. Have regular check-ups, and if you feel uncomfortable and can't control yourself, come to the hospital immediately. The cold female doctor looked around while opening the order: "Didn't the family come?" Tell your family that you should accompany you more, enlighten you more, and ensure sleep, and I will prescribe you some medicine with a tranquilizing effect. ”

After receiving the medicine from the pharmacy, she resigned, and the flower shop left by her mother was temporarily handed over to Zhao Lin to take care of, and she only took the little golden retriever and named it "Jinbao". Then I moved to my mother's house before she died.

She didn't come here much before, and she was used to living with her grandmother in comparison.

Mother's house is only eighty square meters, a two-room house, a study and a bedroom, she arranges Jinbao on the balcony, one person and one dog, and cooks together, basks in the sun, and watches TV every day. Jinbao likes to rely on her, and after Liu Mianmian goes out, it will be very anxious, looking for the owner's smell everywhere, and then using the most primitive method to vent: biting.

Dad and Yang Jing, Wu Zhengze and Guan Runhao are very concerned about her, and from time to time they will ask her out to eat, drink tea, and taste desserts, Yang Jing volunteered to invite her out several times, although she accepted Yang Jing's identity, she was unwilling to call her aunt, always called Sister Yang.

On that day, Yang Jing once again sincerely invited her to go out for a walk, and Liu Shijun also encouraged her to go together.

If you want to come to the grassland, it may be a good place. settled Jinbao to Zhao Lin, and Liu Mianmian happily went.