If that sexual assault made Su Hui choose to forget, then this later sexual assault made her want to leave this world again and again.

Since the death of her grandmother in the fifth grade, there has been no one in this world to protect her.

I am a very timid person, especially ghosts, my mother has said to me the most since I was a child is that there are ghosts in this world, and she takes the trouble to tell me which neighbors have met which ghosts around me from morning to night, vividly. I didn't believe it, but when I asked my mother about the protagonists in the ghost story, they were very taboo to admit it, even my respected grandfather, who also admitted to encountering it personally.

I didn't dare to sleep alone since I was a child, and there were graves in front of and behind my house. Before my grandmother died, I slept with my grandmother, and after my grandmother died, I shrank in the attic alone and spent the night.

I never got close to my parents, and when I was a child, they threw me to my grandmother and only took my younger brother with me.

One thing that I remember very deeply is: my father is working abroad, he only comes back once a month, and when he comes back, he will bring a big bag of snacks and fun, I have always been afraid of my father, so as long as he comes back, I will secretly hide in someone else's house, until when I am about to go to bed, my grandmother will take out the snacks secretly left for me, let me eat slowly in bed.

Only my grandmother would call me home.

My father's coming home became a nightmare of my childhood.

After my grandmother died, I had a nightmare:

When my father returned, I hid myself in the jar of my second mother-in-law's house, and tied the lid so tightly that no one could find me.

Even so, I still regard you as the father who gave birth to me and raised me.

Actually, I've always wanted to ask you, do you regret it? Do you feel indebted to me?

On the night of my first year of junior high school, my mother told me a ghost story, and I was so scared that I couldn't sleep, so I had to pester my mother.

So, my mother let me sleep in the innermost part, my father slept in the outermost part, and my mother slept in the middle.

None of us took off our clothes.

Nothing happened overnight.

The next day it was dawn, and you got up, and I was still lying in bed alone.

You turned back, I don't know why, what happened, you ignored my objections, kneading my chest over and over again, I desperately said Dad don't want it, you pressed me to death, as if you were holding it hard.

I'm crying to death in bed, begging you desperately. But you don't seem to hear at all, and even if you do, you just tell me not to make trouble.

I looked out the window at the snowfall, and it was white, and I struggled desperately inside the house.

I took advantage of your gap and hurriedly escaped, took my things and left, you chased after me and kept apologizing to me, I insulted you loudly, the people in the village said that I was wrong, how can I talk about my father like this, my mother saw that you couldn't persuade me, she didn't know what happened, she just said vigorously: "Daughter, your father knows that he is wrong, forgive your father." Shall we go back? ”

It was the day before the New Year.

I was completely ruined.

Tiger venom does not eat children, but I want to ask you: how can you? How could such a thing be done to me?

Although I still call you "Dad" later, as long as you are next to me, even if it is just next to the corner of my clothes, I will subconsciously stay away from you, and I will lock the door everywhere I go, and I will never dare to have normal contact with boys.

I didn't dare to let the boy hold my hand, I didn't dare to let the boy pat me on the shoulder, I didn't dare let the boy hug me, I didn't even dare let the boy touch my clothes.

Do you always say that I'm almost 30 years old and still not in a relationship because I don't want to?

No, it's because I can't.

When I meet a guy, I will subconsciously feel inferior and feel that I am not worthy of anyone, so even if I am liked, I will run away.

For countless nights, I couldn't sleep over and over, and I sat crying until late at night with the light on, repeating that image over and over again in my mind, I took a knife and cut myself, and I cried bitterly.

I hate myself, I always want to ask you why, why do you do this to me? It's just that you were absent from my childhood, why do you want to give me a lifetime of shadow and torture?

You know, I don't have the power to love people anymore.

You know, I've been abandoned by the world.

You know, I'm terrified to see you.

You know, I'd rather never been to this world.

You know, no matter how much you do for me, I can't think of you as my father.

The heart and body are subconsciously moving away from you, fearing you, and hating you.

Every midnight dream I have, every escape, every light on my home is the greatest irony for me.

is obviously the person who should protect me the most in this world, but he has become the person who hurts me the most.

I convince my current self to forgive you and force myself to have amnesia.

I can eat at the same table with you, but I still can't make a phone call to you in a year, even if it's just one.

I was so mentally tortured, I fell asleep intermittently on sleeping pills, I forced myself to participate in the fun field, I didn't dare to stop.

I had a real and liberating dream.

It was pouring rain, I was standing on the roof of the building, my body was not controlled, the wind and rain drifted me at will, I was terrified in this rain, desperately looking for life.

I tried to pull back again and again, but in the end I was washed off the roof by the heavy rain and died a miserable death.

Later, whenever it rained, I would stand on the roof of the building, thinking that this way of dying would go with the flow.

But I still want to ask you:.

Why? Why are you doing this to me? Regret it?