Chapter 5 Like a cat hiding in a tavern, tired from too much experience

He seems good and bad, but I still want to hug him.

After hearing that there was no accident, I talked to Cangnan endlessly about what happened to her family on Beilu, and told Qu Yan and her story, suddenly Cangnan hugged me violently, hugged me tightly, and felt that his whole body was going to be pinched by him, and he said in a low voice, "Beimo, I'm so afraid that you will go away." ”

"What's wrong with you, I'll just take you with me next time, don't be sad." I struggled to break free, thinking that he was upset that I had gone to see the North Road alone because I hadn't told him.

"I'm not going, I'm going to see how close you are?" His face suddenly darkened inexplicably, and his words were deeply tinged with thorns, like an enraged hedgehog with thorns all over his body.

"He's my brother, of course we're close, and if you had a sister, you'd be nice to her." I soothed his emotions and reached out to pull the corners of his mouth and smiled as I always did.

He slapped my hand off with a glaring gaze, "Really? How did I not know you were related? Is he your own brother? Do you have a mother's blood in your bones? Don't think I don't know he came to your house at the age of seven, maybe he is the quasi-son-in-law that your mother raised for your sister since she was a child, don't you even let go of your sister's man? Don't forget that your sister doesn't know if she's dead or alive yet! ”

His words were like a knife deep into my head, my mind went blank, tears instantly filled my eyes, and I raised my hands that were shaking with anger and grievance.

When he heard the last sentence, he couldn't bear to slap him in the face, his head twisted to the side, and slowly turned back, "Yin Beimo, I still desperately made excuses to come back for you, but I didn't expect you to run behind my back to go on a date with your little white face, I really underestimated you!" ”

He shook my body, his eyes boiling with rage, everything in front of him became colorless, so blurred.

What he said echoed in my head, I coldly dropped his hands and stepped back step by step, "Cangnan, are you underestimating me or am I mistaking you, do you think I don't know about your kiss with Yindi?" Do you think I don't want to get to the bottom of it? Do you think I didn't think much of it? But I believed you so much, but I didn't expect you to doubt me. ”

"It's finally exposed, it's finally said it, and said that you don't mind, Yin Beimo, you really know how to pretend to be generous." He is approaching step by step, like a man-eating devil, hurry up and wake up from this terrible dream, I shouted in my heart.

"Cangnan, are you still you? Go away, you devil! I pushed him away with all my strength, and then turned my head and ran back desperately, I hope it's just a dream, just wake up, when I wake up, everything will be bright, the sun will come out, the stars will come out, and the warm Cangnan will come back to me.

I thought that the person who knew me in the world was Cangnan, I thought that even if he was not good enough, he was not mature enough, but we can grow up slowly, I thought that there were some things that I thought about his good and didn't care about the gossip that others told me, and he would believe in me like this.

And what makes me the most sad is not that he suspects that I like to be jealous, but that he knows that those past events are wounds that I don't want to uncover, that I am about to be haunted by the entanglement of the past day and night, and that he knows my greatest wish and deepest regret, but he tears the past in front of me, and his sharp words put us in an unbearable situation.

At that moment, I felt like a fool who was easily coaxed by others with candy, revealing his scars for others to take advantage of, stabbing me a few times at any time and then turning away, leaving me to cover my wounds and cry bitterly, but the blood was scattered between my fingers.

And this person is none other than Cangnan, who I gave my heart to him, so that how can I easily let go of my feelings and re-wash the words that swirl in my ears every night.

I write the years into a moving love letter, and you tear it to shreds and drop it down the valley.

Ten years ago

It's as if all the hardships you've gone through are to better meet you

"Boss, have a bowl of fish meal, don't put chopped green onions."

"Bai Beichu, can you stop playing, hurry up and help me add soup!"

"Oh, what are you going to eat today, Brother Yin? It's still the same, right? ”

These are the three most frequent sentences left in my memory when I was a child, and I can still recall them until now, so clearly.

It was as if yesterday, I was still standing in that small restaurant, watching the busy people coming and going, watching all kinds of people who went to work come in and went out again, and I stood at the door year after year, occasionally with a string of shiny snot hanging on my nose, occasionally wearing a new dress, and occasionally being beaten and crying by Beichu Standing at the door and being scolded by my mother and pulled into the house.

But no one will notice whether this little girl is fat or thin, how tall she has grown, how many colds she has, how many times she has not changed her clothes, and even a hole in the waist of her skirt.

My home is in a small town in the middle of nowhere, and there are a lot of people coming and going every day, but there are very few cars passing by. Growing up, I still loved the town because there wasn't so much car exhaust and there weren't so many strangers with expressionless faces.

Since I was a child, I have known that the restaurant in Qiaotou has a small signboard, and there is a white mist of hot noodle soup, and at noon there will be a faint smell of oil smoke and the smell of stir-fried vegetables.

But the aroma did not drift too far, from one end of the bridge to the other end of the bridge, and it was not smellable any further.

So my mother always said that probably the people on the other side of the bridge couldn't smell the fragrance, so they didn't come to eat, but I always felt that the restaurant was too small to accommodate so many people.

There was a big willow tree at the head of the bridge, and its branches were about to reach into the river, and I saw many children climbing up the tree to pick the willow, and then make garlands and put them on their heads, and put a few little wild flowers, and I felt like princesses, but I could not climb up, so I could only watch them in a daze.

Once Beilu climbed up a tree to pick wicker for me, and accidentally fell into the river, I was so frightened that my heartbeat almost stopped, thinking that he had been thrown to death, and quickly ran into the house to call my mother, but when we came out again, we saw Beilu happily standing in the river holding the willow that had just been torn off and shouting at me, "Beimo, you see me and say I can pick it"

Before I could finish speaking, a bright red blood slipped from his forehead and dripped into my seven-year-old childhood, the first year that North Road came to my house, but it was not the first thing North Road did for me.

Later, the wreath was always placed next to my bed, and the branches and leaves had dried up, and I didn't take it with me, because every time I wore it, I would remember the moment when I fell into the river on the north road, and cold sweat broke out all over my body.

When the North Road had not yet appeared in my life, there would often be an aunt dressed up in fancy clothes who came to our house, and sat for an afternoon, always saying those few words over and over again, "Bai Ping, how can a family do without a man?" You see that you are suffering from the darkness in the morning, and you are also suffering from the child! ”

As he spoke, he reached out and grabbed me who was playing quietly on the side, and turned me around for a while, "Look at what this child has become, the little girl who used to look quite smart has turned out to be now, alas." ”

So she pushed me aside again, as if she couldn't bear to look at me any more, and I sucked hard the snot that was about to run into my mouth, and looked up at the high ceiling above my head, thinking to myself when I would be able to reach the high white wall so that I wouldn't be caught by that pesky aunt.

But every time, those aunts shook their heads and sighed and left, and when they walked to the door, they stared deeply at me for a while, and sighed heavily, "Alas, why are you so brainless? I'm going to come back a long time ago, what are you waiting for, what are you looking forward to? ”

After they were far away, it was time for me to suffer, my mother would always cry and pull me into the bathhouse, turn on the faucet to wash my hair, and as I washed, it became very forceful, and I grabbed my scalp so hard that I felt the pain of my nails digging deep into my scalp.

But I didn't dare to scream, because at first I cried out as soon as I was in pain, "Mom, it hurts, it hurts." "The result was a thrashing.

She was like an enraged lion, with her hair scattered, raising her hand to spank my ass, and slapping herself with a slap, "You still dare to scream at you, I really did a sin to give birth to you, see if I don't kill you!" ”

"Mom, what are you doing? You will kill her, you don't kill Beimo, if you kill her, I will have no companion. Beichu put down his homework and hurriedly ran over, and the surprised expression I can still remember and move many years later.

She grabbed the corner of my mother's clothes and shouted hoarsely, "Mom, don't beat her to death!" I'll help you move the stool in the future, I must be very well-behaved to call uncle, don't you kill her, okay? ”

My mother stopped her red palms, looked at Bei Chu with teary eyes, and slowly squatted down to hug the two of us, "I hurt you two, I shouldn't have been stubborn to give birth to you." ”

I didn't understand what she meant, but I knew I was an unwelcome child, even my mother, and at that time I just wanted her to let go of me who was about to freeze into ice, and the hot pain in my ass reminded me that tonight was another night when I couldn't turn over.

So every day I was afraid of the sun setting, I was afraid that the sky was slowly getting dark, I was afraid that there were fewer and fewer people in the restaurant, I was afraid that after everyone walked away, my mother would sit on the bench in the lobby and cry, I was afraid that the night would fall and the world would be so empty, she would grab me and then wash my hair and bathe, a bucket of cold water washed down my heart was cold, and I ran into the bed on my little short legs and shivered.

The next day, there was that embarrassing snot hanging on the tip of my nose, it was the most hated thing in the depths of my memory, but I couldn't get rid of it, I told myself every day that today I must climb into the bed as fast as possible, I must not talk much, I must not shout, I cannot get my clothes dirty, I cannot eat, I cannot make the table full of wrestling, I can not make others laugh, so that I can avoid a beating, I can stay in the bathroom for a while, and tomorrow I will not have to try to suck my nose, I don't have to worry about being seen my snot running down my mouth.

"Snotty girl", those are the three words I was most afraid to hear when I was a child, and I would be anxious and uneasy when I heard them, but it accompanied my childhood memories for three years, and no one wanted to play with me, and no one wanted to deal with a dirty-looking girl like me.

Sometimes Bei Chu would raise my hand and wipe it on his nose, and then scold me, "Bai Beimo, you stupid, don't you know how to wipe your nose by yourself?" It's dirty,"

Then I looked up and smiled at her, and she knocked on my head and turned into the room, "What a fool." ”

Sometimes when Beichu heard others call me "Snot", he would angrily chase after them and beat them, "You are the Snotty Girl, your whole family is a Snotty Girl." ”

The way she ran after the group of children was the most beautiful back I had ever seen, she was swaying in the wind in her red dress, her high ponytail was neatly combed, moving in the sun, the warm sun shone on her round face, her eyes blinked, just like the beautiful pictures she saw in elementary school textbooks later.

That is the most moving picture of Beichu in my memory, although she was slim later, although she wore heavy makeup later, although she was praised by everyone for the eighteen changes of the female university, but in my heart, Beichu at this time is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

In my childhood, I thought that the most beautiful girl in the world was my sister, and the best person in the world was also my sister, although she would take out her anger at me when she was in a bad mood, although she would rob me of my snack, although she would let me carry the black pot for her.

But she was the only one who would cry when I was beaten, the only one who would get angry when I was being laughed at, the only one who would call me stupid and teach me to wipe my nose.

At that time, I was wearing a bulky mushroom head, wearing a small flower skirt left over from the beginning of the Northern Season, and there were still stains left on the sleeves that had just been wiped with snot, which had been dried into a piece and pasted on the fabric, and I couldn't scrape it clean even if I tried my best, just like my dirty childhood, no matter how much I wanted to wipe it clean later, the shadows couldn't be erased, just like for many years to come, I was afraid of the coming of the night.

I still remember one year I went to climb the mountain with Cangnan, we watched the sunset, I looked at my eyes slowly blurred, my body trembled slightly, and I didn't know what I remembered, maybe I didn't think of anything, maybe it was just habitual, it was like walking into an abyss, as if one step further was a cliff.

Cangnan nervously asked me what was wrong, I wiped my tears and said with a smile, it's okay, probably my eyes are a little sour when I look at it, the sun is about to set, and the night is coming again.

For the people we love, it seems that they always want to keep that good share, so I didn't tell Cangnan a lot of things, I didn't tell him how panicked I was when the night came, I didn't tell him how overwhelmed I was when others laughed at me, and I didn't tell him how important it was to me that the appearance of the North Road.

I also forgot to tell him that the person I am most grateful to in the world will not be allowed to be blasphemed even if I can't be a lover, and I forgot to tell him how deeply moved I am by the North Road and how sacred and inviolable my position is, even higher than my lover for a time.

The happiest thing in my life was the day I followed my mother to see my grandmother, because that day I could wear the most beautiful dress, I could dress up cleanly, and I could see my mother who was as gentle as water.

At this time, I felt that my mother was actually much more beautiful than those aunts who walked around the street or came to the house, her eyes were like a pool of autumn water, her fair skin did not show hard work at all, and her tall figure could not see the bloat after the birth of a child.

My grandmother always treated me very well when she saw me, she said that I looked very much like my mother when she was a child, and every time she saw me, it was like going back to the time when my mother was a child, and she was stunned for a few seconds and then raised her head and sighed, "Time flies so fast, in a blink of an eye, my granddaughter is so old and so clever and cute." ”

My grandmother was my favorite person when I was a child, she was the only one who would pamper my face and praise me for being beautiful and sensible, and she would bring out a lot of delicious snacks, colorful sweets, and my princess-like rag dolls for us.

Unlike everyone, my grandmother always praised me, but I didn't like Beichu so much, she always nagged when she saw Beichu, Beichu told me that the person she annoyed the most was my grandmother, and I had to say to her for a long time every time, nothing more than to study hard and be obedient.

But my grandmother, like the aunts who came to the house, always told my mother that she couldn't do without a man, and once I listened to their words and suddenly said, "Just wait for Daddy to come back, we can wait for Daddy to come back." ”

I didn't know what I had said wrong, but they didn't say anything more, and fell silent, and after a long time, I was about to forget that I had said it, when my grandmother pulled me aside and asked, "Momo, my good granddaughter, do you want to have a father?" ”

"Well, what does my dad look like, is he good-looking? Is it better looking than Huzi's dad? "I think of Huzi who always said that I don't have a father, his father is a policeman there who is a police officer there, and he drives a motorcycle in a police uniform every day, and every time Huzi sees it, he jumps up happily, "Look, look, that's my dad!" ”

"Then you can talk to your mother more and let her find you a father, okay?" My grandmother picked up a gummy and put it in my mouth.

"But I don't dare." I remembered my mother crying bitterly and whispered. The strange thing in my heart is that my dad is lost outside? Why go out and look for it?

As long as I think of my mother's tearful face, I firmly believe that I will not have a father again, because every time I mention this word, this topic, it brings nothing more than my mother's silence, nothing more than endless quarrels and endless embarrassments with nothing to say, and endless sighs and sighs.

My mother told me that at that time, she was also determined not to marry again, and no matter how many people persuaded her, no matter what methods were used to try to make her change her mind, she still could not shake her mind.

Do you believe in fate? This question has been asked to me, and I have asked others this question more than once, some people say they believe it, some people say they absolutely don't believe it, some people say they don't believe it, and some people say they would rather believe it than not, but I can't answer it.