Lin Yutang, a famous humorist, summed up that Chinese (especially readers) ask people to do things, just like writing eight-strand essays.

Chinese people seldom do things as straightforwardly as foreign devils "come here for something", because this is not elegant. If it's a raw guest, it's even more presumptuous. The meeting of the Chinese pays attention to the words and makes a fuss, with the grace of eight strands of succession and turn. Not only the style, but also the structure, which can be roughly divided into four sections:

The first paragraph is about greetings and commenting on the climate. Such as "Honorable Surname", "Daimyo", "Long Admiration", "Long-abiding" and "Today's Weather Haha" all fall into this category. Lin Yutang called it the content of meteorology, which should play the role of "coming to the position of peace and then the situation is settled". That is, to connect with feelings. These contents do have a great deal in common in people's lives and are not resisted.

The second paragraph is to recount the past and reminisce about old friendships. This is a deeper level, and it is an in-depth process to transition from the life space that everyone has to the special part of each other. Lin Yutang jokingly called it "historiography". "Maybe your nephew has studied with a certain gentleman, maybe you have lived in Nanxiao Street, and he has lived in Wuliang Hutong, so the relationship is harmonious. If, everyone is from Peking University, and they know Shima, Shizhi, and even Gu Hongming and Lin Qinnan...... That's more intimate and long-talked." If this paragraph is done well, the relationship between the two parties may be really harmonious.

The third paragraph is about current affairs and feelings. This is political science. "The feelings are harmonious and the momentum is strong", so you can join forces to attack and enter the realm of Kan. The scope of the vertical and horizontal is very wide, "including: China's immortality is no heavenly reason, the policy of saving the country, the evaluation of the political leaders of the ancient moon Sangongcao general Ma Ergong Horse, and so on." There are also statistics on following Premier Sun for several years to several years. For example, you have heard Premier Sun's speech once in the third year of Guangxu, and this year is the 29th year of the Republic of China, and the total should be 33 years, which is called 33 years of following the total. This paragraph is well done, the relationship is more harmonious, the momentum is strong, and even as for the late meeting, to the extent of sticking a knife in both ribs. At this point, it can be considered that it is time to write suddenly and say something.

Therefore, this fourth paragraph is called the "little thing" of economics. He stood up politely, took up his hat, and then turned to him and said, "Now there is a little thing to worry about." Didn't the sir know so-and-so? Could you please write a letter of introduction? This paragraph should be natural and casual, without causing a lot of pressure on the other party or making the other party feel that he owes him much affection. Instead, it is necessary to use the foreshadowing of the previous narrative, abruptly close the pen, and summarize the full text.

Lin Yutang's description of the "Eight Strands of Seeking People" contains a certain sense of irony, if it weren't for a person who is slick and sophisticated, and has a good level of human feelings, he must not have been able to refine such a subtle "Seeking People's Law". This is the unique communicative wisdom of the Chinese.

From a practical point of view, I will teach you to write a "Asking for Eight Strands".

Before the tune is formed, there is love - the preparation stage for asking for help

Chat about idle days, set almost

On August 21, 1980, the famous Italian female journalist Oriena Fallaci visited ***. Her visit was courteous, she started by congratulating Comrade *** on his birthday. She knew from ***'s biography that his birthday was August 22, but *** herself forgot.

Deng: "My birthday?" Is my birthday tomorrow? ”

Fa: "Yes, Mr. ***, I know it from your biography. ”

Deng: "Since you say so, even if it's so!" I never know when it's my birthday, and even if it's my birthday tomorrow, you shouldn't congratulate me! I'm 76 years old. 76 years old is the age of decline! ”

Fa: "Mr. ***, my father is also 76 years old. If I told him it was an old age, he would give me a slap in the face! ”

Deng: "He did the right thing. You wouldn't say that to your father, would you? ”

In this way, the atmosphere of the visit was very harmonious and relaxed. Immediately afterwards, the conversation turned to the main topic, and Farage asked *** one sharp and very sensitive question after another, such as the wrong relationship between "***" and Mao, Mao's selection of Lin Biao as his successor, Mao's criticism of ***, the evaluation of capitalism, the question of **, and so on. As a result of the good atmosphere created at the beginning, these questions were answered satisfactorily, and Farage's interview was a complete success.

The initial stage of asking people to do things is actually the communicative stage of communicating with people. The art of speaking to find common ground in communication is commonly known as "set of almost", also known as "business card effect" or "identity technique". Recognition is an effective way to communicate emotions with strangers, superiors, superiors, etc. in communication.

Identification is to find common ground in the experiences, interests, pursuits, hobbies and so on of both parties, induce a common language, create a good atmosphere for communication, and then win the support and cooperation of the other party.

There is an anecdote in the history of diplomacy: a Japanese parliamentarian met with Egyptian President Nasser, and the president was not very interested in the Japanese parliamentarian because of the distance between the two personalities, experiences, life interests, and political aspirations. In order to fulfill their mission and improve their relations with the Egyptian authorities, the Japanese parliamentarians conducted a multifaceted analysis before the meeting, and finally decided to impress Nasser in a similar way and achieve the goal of the talks. Here's what the two sides had to say:

Councillor: Your Excellency, the Nile and Nasser are well known to women and children in Japan. Instead of calling you president, I should call you a colonel (Nasser was a colonel because I was also a soldier (one of the identities). Like you, you fought with the British (identity two).

Nasser: Meet ......

MP: The British call you "the Hitler of the Nile", and they also call me the "Tiger of Malaysia" (identity 3), I have read your "Philosophy of Revolution" (identity 4) and compared it with Hitler's "Mein Kampf", and found that Hitler was the supremacy of strength, while Your Excellency was full of humor.

Nasser: (very excited) Oh, the book I wrote was written in a hurry three months after the revolution. You're right, in addition to strength, I also pay attention to human feelings.

Councillor: That's right! We soldiers also need human favors. When I fought in Malaysia, I never left my short knife, not to kill, but to defend myself. The Arabs are now fighting for independence, and it is for defence that they are fighting, just like my dagger (Identity 5).

Nasser: (Joy) Your Excellency said that you are welcome to come once a year in the future.

At this time, the Japanese parliamentarians took advantage of the situation to get to the point, began to talk about the relations and trade between the two countries, and happily took a group photo. The Japanese approached the strategy and worked wonders.

In the "opening remarks" of this meeting, the Japanese parliamentarians used the identification technique in five places, and finally made Nasser go from "not interested" to "very excited" to "happy".

At the beginning, the Japanese called the president a colonel and demoted the other party by a lot of ranks; It is not a glorious thing to be scolded by the British, but it is quite a sense of honor for Nasser, who was born in a military background, advocated force, and won the victory of the Free and Independent War; Without Hitler's strength and skill, his sense of humor and human touch, how could he have gone from colonel to president? Next, the Japanese praised his strength and humanity after reading his "Revolutionary Philosophy" and further praised the justice of the Arab wars. This not only accurately stimulated Nasser's "excitement", but also catered to his tastes 100 percent, giving the Japanese the miraculous effect they expected.

The success of Farage and the Japanese parliamentarian is a significant lesson for us. First of all, we must not fight unprepared battles, and only when we are prepared can we be close, and we can be solid and reliable.

Let's take journalists again. Reporters often "break their legs and wear out their mouths," and sometimes they have to face cold faces and sit on cold benches, how do they get close to the interviewee? An experienced journalist put it this way:

Journalists are a special profession that deals with unfamiliar people and unfamiliar things almost every day. Workers, peasants, merchants, scholars, soldiers, three religions and nine streams may all be involved. Journalists are in contact with all kinds of people, and they can't do without talking. There's a lot to learn about how to talk to the interviewee. If the method is not correct, it may become a cicada with a hundred strategies, just like boiling dumplings in a teapot and not being able to pour them out. Therefore, journalists should be diligent in using their mouths and be good at using their mouths.

In the course of the interview, the reporter obtains information from the interviewee and takes possession of the material, often through the reporter asking questions. Whether or not you can ask questions and whether they are properly asked is an important basic skill of journalists.

As the saying goes: "Wine is less than a thousand cups of confidants, and words are not speculative for more than half a sentence." "How can journalists talk about speculation when they deal with people they don't know well? Much of this depends on the skills of the journalist.

When we meet for the first time, we are unfamiliar with each other, and there is a familiar process that an experienced journalist can shorten the process. By observing and analyzing the person you are talking to, you can quickly find a common ground that can lead to a conversation between the two parties, and break the awkward situation of not knowing where to start.

There was an old reporter who went to interview a scientist, and when he arrived at the scientist, the old reporter saw a few landscape photos hanging on the wall, so he pulled up the composition, the tone, it turned out that the scientist loved photography, he took out his photo album with great interest, and the atmosphere of the conversation was very harmonious. It is precisely because of this atmosphere that the main topic interview that follows is often carried out smoothly.

Once, a reporter went to interview a female teacher, and before the trip, someone said that she was very stubborn, and she couldn't say a word or two and sent people away. The reporter went to the school to look for her, and she was losing her temper with the people in the communication room. When the reporter heard that her accent was from Zhejiang, he was secretly happy in his heart, because he was also from Zhejiang. Later, their conversation started from their hometown, and the more they talked, the more enthusiastic they became, and this off-topic remark also made a good foreshadowing for the main topic.

Therefore, when a reporter comes into contact with an unfamiliar interviewee, he or she should use his or her brains, pay attention to observation, and quickly find this common ground, so as to use this as an opportunity to establish a relationship of mutual trust with the interviewee in order to have a harmonious and speculative conversation.

Sometimes, interviewing and asking for help are just the same thing, and the experience of journalists is enough for all seekers to learn from.

Why do you have to know each other?

Sometimes, we ask for strangers we don't know beforehand, and we can't prepare actively and adequately beforehand. What to do? Here are some tips for talking to strangers.

First of all, you should see talking to strangers as a pleasure. It should be thought that this is a good way to get new information; It is a good opportunity to expand horizontal linkages; It is a good channel for knowledge and learning; It's a great way to exercise your eloquence...... Only in this way will you be able to value conversations with strangers, change your fear into pleasure, and change your reactive response to your own initiative. When talking, you will be enthusiastic, sincere, and eloquent, "before the tune is formed, there is love"; The words in my heart will flow to the tip of my tongue.

When we met for the first time, I didn't know anything about my life, and some people felt uncomfortable and were "embarrassed" to talk; Some people feel overwhelmed and have "no way" to talk. They may be cramped, embarrassed and embarrassed; or want to speak and stop, cowardly and roundabout; or speak stiffly and misleadingly...... One of the reasons for these phenomena is the lack of courage to talk to strangers. Therefore, when talking to people, you must first believe that you can speak clearly. It is very important to have this kind of confidence. But the courage to talk to strangers is not innate, it can be cultivated gradually. The main methods are:

Before talking about autosuggestion, you can make autosuggestion and say silently: "What are you panicking about?" Say it one sentence at a time! "What's the hurry? You have your own way! "Be brave and calm to say the first sentence!"

Self-trust, believing that you can say what you can say. Do: Say what you should say, laugh when you should laugh, ask when you should ask, and be natural and generous.

Cheering yourself up with aphorisms, memorizing some aphorisms that will help you overcome timidity and muster courage is often a great inspiration. For example: "Courage is the main quality of a man", "Be bold in the world, be careful and difficult to move an inch", "Never listen to your fear", "Have a conviction of yourself first, and then use all your energy to do it -- the foundation of success is built on this".

Divert your nervousnessDon't keep thinking: I'm going to talk to a stranger, how do you talk about it? What a desperate death...... It is necessary to transfer this tension to something else. For example, take a look at the interior furnishings, appreciate the famous paintings on the wall, wall calendars, and so on. The nervousness naturally dissipates, and the conversation can proceed more easily.

Second, be good at finding topics. We often have a terrible cold scene after talking and greeting strangers. At this time, we are faced with the problem of finding a topic, and someone said: "In conversation, we must learn the ability to find words without words." The so-called "looking for words" is "looking for topics". When writing an article, if you have a good topic, you will often have a spring of ideas and a wave of it; Conversation, with a good topic, can make the conversation harmonious. A good topic is the medium of preliminary conversation, the basis for in-depth and detailed conversation, and the beginning of indulgent conversation. The criteria for a good topic are: at least one party is familiar with and can talk about it; Everyone is interested and loves to talk; There's room for discussion, it's easy to talk about.

There are several ways to find topics:

In the face of many strangers, the center of the flowering chooses the events that everyone cares about, and around the center of people's attention, it leads to many people's discussions, resulting in the splashing of "language flowers" and the formation of "center flowering". This kind of topic is what everyone wants to talk about, loves to talk about, and can talk about. Choose the topic with the "center blossoming" method, and aim the topic at the center of everyone's excitement on the occasion of many strangers.

Improvisational introduction of subtly borrowed materials from that time, place, and people as topics to provoke conversation. Some people are good at using each other's name, place of origin, age, clothing, room, etc., to improvise and lead to topics, and often achieve good results. The advantage of the "improvisational introduction" method is that it is flexible and natural, and the key is to be quick to think and be able to make associations with one and the other.

Throw a stone to ask for directions, throw a stone into the river, find out the depth of the water, and then move forward, you can cross the river with confidence; When talking to strangers, ask some "stone-throwing" questions first, and then talk purposefully after a little understanding, you can talk more freely. If you see a strange neighbor at a party, you can first "throw stones" and ask: "Are you and your host old classmates or old colleagues?" "Whether the first half of the question is correct or the second half of the question is correct, you can follow the right side of the conversation; If the question is not correct, and the other party replies that it is "fellow", then it is okay to continue talking. If you are a fellow of Beijing, you can talk to him about Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, or the new changes in Beijing. If you are a native of Fujian, you can talk to him about lychees, longans, oranges, coastal aquatic products, and so on.

Ask questions about strangers' interests, and get into the topic smoothly. Because the things that the other party is most interested in are always the most familiar, the most talkative, and the most willing to talk. If the other person likes photography, you can talk about the framing of photography, the choice of film, the advantages and disadvantages of various types of cameras, the joys and pains of studying the art of photography, and so on. If you know a thing or two about photography, it's definitely speculative. If you don't know much about photography, it's a great opportunity to listen and ask questions to open your eyes.

There are many ways to trigger topics, such as the method of "borrowing things to create questions", the method of "asking questions on the spot", the method of "entering the topic from feelings", and so on. It can subtly spark a discussion from something, a scene, or an emotion. Introducing topics, similar to "drawing wires" and "inserting road signs", focuses on quoting, and the purpose is to derive the other party's words.

Third, wait for the opportunity to move and slowly close the distance. When talking to strangers, we must work hard to shorten the distance, strive to understand more in a short period of time, shorten the distance between each other, and strive to be emotionally harmonious. Confucius said: "The Tao is different, do not conspire", like-minded, in order to talk. There are many "old at first sight" good talk in our country. Strangers should be able to talk speculatively, make a fuss about the word "therefore", and change "life" into "therefore". There are quite a few ways to do this:

Cut into the situation at the right time, do not miss the opportunity to speak, insert the conversation at the right time, and "self-expression" at the right time, so that the other party can fully understand themselves.

Conversation is a bilateral activity, and it is equally difficult to talk deeply without letting the other party know about themselves. Strangers who can learn from your "cut-in" conversation will get closer. Cutting in at the right time, you can actively and effectively dedicate your knowledge to each other, which is actually in line with the principle of "complementarity" and lays the foundation for "love and agreement".

Use the medium to find the medium between yourself and strangers, so as to find a common language and shorten the distance between the two parties. If you see a stranger holding something in his hand, ask, "What is this?" …… It seems that you must be an expert at this. As I have a question for you. "If you show a strong interest in everything about other people, you can provoke them to express themselves through a medium, and the conversation will go smoothly.

Leave some space for the other party to interface, so that the other party feels that the hearts of both parties are connected, and the conversation is harmonious, and then shorten the distance. Therefore, when talking with strangers, do not finish the conversation and talk about your own point of view to death, but should be humble and welcome to discuss.

Let people remember who you are

Some seekers are shy and introverted by nature, and when they come to the door to ask for help, they panic, and finally after talking, they leave a gift and go out of the door, taking a long breath. Looking back, I didn't even leave a name for others, and my efforts were in vain, in vain, and I complained bitterly.

It's very important to make a lasting impression on you when you first meet. If you start out at a disadvantage, to remedy this disadvantage, you have to spend a lot of effort, and it may not be useful.

Therefore, when meeting with others, you should never be sloppy as a "self-introduction". So how do you "introduce yourself"?

When you meet, look at each other and smile at each other, the next step is to introduce yourself "My name is ......", and the main point of this introduction is to make it clear. If the other party calls you by the wrong name because they didn't understand your name, they will definitely feel very embarrassed and it will easily cause an unpleasant scene. Therefore, when introducing yourself, in addition to being clear, it is best to include a sentence such as "The king is the king of the king." This will not only prevent the other party from misunderstanding, but also deepen the impression.

It's also important to introduce yourself so that the other person remembers their name, but at the same time you have to remember the other person's name. If you don't remember it clearly, it will not only disappoint the other person, but it will also be very rude.

Is there an effective way to get yourself to remember the other person's name? The best thing to do is to find an opportunity to say the other person's name, which will help with memory.

In addition, if you often mention the other person's name in your speech, the other person will definitely feel that you value him very much and feel happy, so it can promote the exchange of feelings, which is a common method in British and American social interactions, and it is worth learning.

To make a strong impression on yourself, but also to take the opportunity to sell yourself. This is especially important for those who come to the door.

If you are full of experience and have no talent, the only way is to force yourself to sell. There are many stories in Chinese history that sell themselves. Mao Sui's self-recommendation is an example.

Zhao was defeated by the Qin State, Gongzi Pingyuanjun planned to ask for help from Chu, and planned to pick out 20 civil and military characters from among the diners to accompany him, and as a result, 19 were selected, and one could not be selected.

Pingyuan Jun was greatly surprised, so he said to Mao Sui: "Mortals in the world are like an awl in a bag, if it is sharp, the tip will soon pierce the bag and be exposed, and people will get ahead." However, you have been under my door for three years, and you have always been unknown, do you not have the opportunity to show your edge? ”

Mao Sui replied: "The reason why I am unknown is because I have never had a chance, and if I were put in a bag, not only the tip, but even the handle would be exposed." ”

Pingyuan Jun thought that this was good, so he asked him to join the ranks, gathered 20 people, and went to Chu for help. After arriving in the state of Chu, Mao Sui showed his edge and assisted Pingyuan Jun to successfully complete the task. The remaining 19 people are beyond their reach, and they are ashamed of themselves.

"The winding path leads to the secluded place" -- the offensive stage of seeking people

Tactful and subtle

The first and foremost point to express your desire is to be tactful.

The pace of interpersonal communication in contemporary society has accelerated, so we don't have to make such a big detour as Lin Yutang said. Once you've almost passed the stage and laid the groundwork for opening your mouth to ask for someone, you can go straight to the offensive stage: make your requests.

Sun Li described several women in "Lotus Lake": "The women are a little disconnected. Two days later, four young women gathered at the house of the water and discussed with them. I heard they weren't here yet. I don't drag my tail, but I forgot a piece of clothing. ''I have something important to say to him.'' I didn't want to go, but my mother-in-law told me to go and see what he had to see! ’”

The husbands of these young women had all joined the army and left, and they all had the common feeling that they missed their husbands and wanted to visit them at the station. However, because of his shyness, it was difficult to say it directly in front of everyone, so he found an excuse to express his original intentions, as if there was a good reason to go to the station, and he had to go. This is a euphemism for his wishes.

This kind of expression in the guise of other people's mouths often cuts from the side, secretly pointing out the main meaning of what you want to say.

Twists and turns, that is, the dialogue is not direct, but the content is expressed in twists and turns, so that the other party can understand the meaning of what you want to say in the aftertaste.

Roundabout questions are not the same as vagueness, and the kind of questions that are complicated and complicated and difficult to answer should be avoided. For example, before setting off for an interview, a reporter should make some preparations, including reading documents, checking information, reading other people's relevant reports, making an interview outline, etc., so that he or she knows what to expect. You can also tell the other party the scope and topic of the conversation, so that the other party knows what to expect. However, this kind of request of the reporter should be put forward in a euphemistic way, and the other party must not be restricted by this demand in his conversation, so as to create the feeling that he can only talk like this and not talk like that.

The euphemistic language expresses a humble attitude on the part of the helper. This emotion must be sincere, dignified in its performance, both polite and proportionate. Words that are too fanatical and sensible can only be tiresome, and words that are too bleak can make people feel indifferent.

The use of euphemistic language reflects respect for the other person, and respect for others also reflects respect for oneself, which is the desire for others to respect oneself. It can reflect a person's knowledge quality and attitude towards the world. It is difficult for a calculating, small-minded person to be tolerant and generous in using euphemistic language. Tolerance is a virtue, and euphemistic language is an outward manifestation of this virtue.

Euphemism is different from obscurity and ambiguity. Although it is not spoken directly, it still requires a clear expression, so that the listener can understand it with a turn of his mind, or rely on the prompts and hints of the context to quickly grasp the original meaning.

The meaning of expression is clear, the expression of language is roundabout, some people speak in a slurred manner, the words do not reach the meaning, it is the speaker himself who does not think clearly; Some people beat around the bush and insinuate that the speaker's mind is not right. A good euphemism should be subtle but not obscure, soft but not weak, dodging but not avoiding, and curved but not astringent. The meaning expressed in such language may be more impressive than the direct expression.

Awkward topics are cleverly spoken

After all, it is embarrassing to ask for help, and it is not as easy as drinking saliva and spitting at the mouth. If you don't do it well, it's easy to create an embarrassing situation.

Some people tend to avoid topics that can easily cause embarrassing situations. But blindly passive avoidance may not be the best choice, and there are some things that are too important to escape, so you have to face them, which must be strategic, so that the embarrassing topic can be opened smartly.

Let's talk about it

It is obviously inappropriate to put two people face to face in an awkward situation without leaving room for manoeuvre. To put it far and wide is to artificially widen the distance between the topic and the scene, leaving a buffer zone for both sides.

On the eve of the Xi'an Incident, Zhang Xueliang and Yang Hucheng met frequently, and both had the intention to attack Jiang. But for such a major event related to the life of the family and the future of the country, no one dares to speak easily until the other party shows his attitude.

Yang Hucheng had a well-known Communist Party member named Wang Bingnan, and Zhang Xueliang also knew him. In another meeting, Yang Hucheng asked for directions with his stones, saying: "Wang Bingnan is a radical, and he advocates the detention of Chiang Kai-shek!" Zhang Xueliang said in a timely manner: "I think this is also a way." So the two clever generals began to negotiate a plan of action.

At that time, Zhang Xueliang's strength was much greater than Yang Hucheng's, and he was Jiang's brother. If Yang Hucheng directly puts his views in front of Zhang, and Zhang disagrees, the consequences are really worrying. So he used the mouth of a third party who was not present to express his heart, and even if he didn't succeed, he could retreat and find another way.

Speak openly and secretly

On the eve of the Battle of Crossing the River, the peace talks between the Kuomintang and the Communist Party broke down, and the Kuomintang was about to collapse. Zhou Enlai strongly advised the Kuomintang peace talks representatives to stay in Beiping and work together and not to go back to be the funeral offerings of the Chiang family. The deputies also lost trust in the original **, but they didn't know if Mao ** could tolerate them as alien party elements, so they wanted to find out what was going on, so as to find a way out for themselves. But if it is directly intertwined, it is obviously suspected of begging, and everyone can't wipe off face. When one of the members played mahjong, he asked Mao ** lightly: "Is it better to be all the same, or is it better to be peaceful?" Mao ** understood and replied quickly: "It's better to be peaceful, I like to be peaceful." ”

In this way, a great message quietly passed through, and all the delegates stayed. The questioner is clever, and the answer is extraordinary. If Mao ** picks out the secret words again and pats his chest to ensure that everyone is safe, one will seem to be not deep enough, and the other will seem to be saying to his face: "I will spare you from death." "Embarrassment on both sides is still inevitable.

Truth be told

To be an honest person and tell the truth should be a criterion for people, but the straight cannon barrel may not be popular everywhere, especially sometimes even I don't understand whether what I want to say is the truth, so what should I do?

Li had just asked his friend Director Zhang to do something for himself, and suddenly heard the rumor that he had been arrested and "entered", and he didn't know whether it was true or not, so he went to Zhang's house to visit. It is true that only the director's wife is at home, with a sad face. Li opened his mouth and said, "What the hell is going on with Lao Zhang? Sure enough, Mrs. Zhang sighed: "Alas! I had a stomach problem again, and I was sent to the hospital yesterday ......"

I see! If Li asked Director Zhang truthfully if he was really arrested, what would the scene be? That's what Lee envisioned; If Director Zhang is really arrested, his wife will naturally tell the truth; If Director Zhang is all right, she will inexplicably ask back: "What's going on?" He could hide it: "I heard that he wants to transfer? If you do a good job, why bother ...... "virtual and real, free to convert, without abruptness."

Zhuang said harmoniously

Light-hearted and humorous topics can often arouse people's emotional pleasure; A solemn and serious topic can make people nervous and cautious. Whenever possible, it is best to say solemn and serious topics in a light-hearted and humorous form, so that the other person may be more receptive.

In today's world, everyone wants to have a high salary and a high position. But isn't it a little too embarrassing to ask your boss for a raise or promotion openly? A young migrant worker successfully overcame this and set an example for us.

He worked in a foreign-funded company, and in a relatively short period of time, he put forward two rationalization proposals in a row, which reduced production costs by 30% and 20% respectively. The big-nosed boss was very happy and said to him, "Young man, do a good job, I won't treat you badly." ”

Of course, the young man knew that this sentence could be significant, or it might not be worth it. He wanted something real, so he smiled lightly and said, "I think you'll put this in my paybag." Boss Yang smiled knowingly and replied cheerfully: "Yes, it will." Soon he received a big red envelope and a salary increase!

In the face of the encouragement of the boss, if the young man is not so playful, but sits down and seriously asks for a salary increase, and puts forward a number of reasons, it is not too unpleasant, and even counterproductive.

He said his own words

Embarrassment or not, sometimes relatively, not mutually. The same sentence can be said by oneself but naturally. At this time, inducing the other party to speak first is undoubtedly the best policy.

Wang was ready to use his friend Zhao's way to do business, but the day after he handed over a huge sum of money to Zhao, Zhao fell ill and died. Wang immediately fell into a dilemma: if he opened his mouth to chase the money, it would be too exciting for Zhao's surviving person; If you don't mention this matter, your situation will be difficult to support.

After helping to take care of the aftermath, Wang said to Mrs. Zhao like this: "I really didn't expect Brother Zhao to leave so early, and our cooperation began." Let's do this, sister-in-law: You also know Brother Zhao's related households, so you can come forward and continue to do this business! When I need to run errands, just say that I am not afraid of hardships and hard work. Do you think it's difficult? If you want to do it, it's better to do it one day sooner. ”

Looking at him, he didn't have the slightest intention of chasing money, but he was still arrogant and righteous, in fact, he knew that Zhao's wife had no ability and no heart to do it. The words were cleverly reminded: I can only run errands and spend my energy, but I am not familiar with those ways; There are many difficulties, and there is no time to wait.

The result? Zhao's wife comforted him in turn and said: "This accident has caused you to suffer losses in your business, and I can't do it, so you better take the money back and find another chance." ”

"Li" is the best stepping stone

When making requests to others, we should pay special attention to the use of polite language, to protect the other person's face, and to accommodate the wishes of others. Polite language is the best stepping stone to be measured, so that the other person can inadvertently open up to you.

Here are some examples to teach you how to use these "stepping stones" step by step.

The indirect method uses indirect expressions (such as the use of willing verbs, interrogative sentences, etc.) to put forward the relevant request in a consultative tone, which is more tactful and easier to accept. For example:

Can you get this done for me as soon as possible?

(Compare: Get this done for me as soon as possible!) ）

By comparison, it is not difficult to see that indirect expressions are much more polite than direct expressions, and therefore easier to get help or approval from the other party.

The slow speech method uses insertions, additional questions, adverbs of degree, adverbial clauses and related sentence patterns to reduce the pressure of the discourse, avoid abruptness, and fully protect the face of the other party. For example:

I wonder if you can bring this letter to him?

(Compare: bring this letter to him!) ）

We can find that there are a lot of buffer words in the language, which, when used properly, will greatly ease the tone of speech.

The pessimistic method expresses requests and suggestions by expressing the idea that they do not believe that they can succeed, leaving a sufficient retreat for the other party and themselves. For example:

You may not want to go, but I want to trouble you to go.

When asking others for help or making suggestions to others, if you indicate in your words that they may not have the relevant conditions or willingness, then you will not be forced to make things difficult for others, and you will also appear to be very measured.

The narrowing method tries to make your own requirements as small as possible, so that the other party can accept them smoothly and meet their own wishes and requirements. For example:

You can help me solve this step, and I'll figure out the rest myself.

It is true that we often find that people tend to make small things when making certain requests, not because they are trying to make a difference, but because they can appropriately reduce the psychological pressure on others, and at the same time make it easier for themselves to speak.

Humility is polite and respectful by elevating the other person and belittling oneself by expressing the relevant requests. For example: Don't shirk when you are old, the disciples are all waiting!

The most traditional and effective way to ask for help is to show reverence as much as possible so that people feel respected and willing to obey.

(6) The method of knowing mistakes first states that you know that you should not make a certain request, and then explains that you are forced to speak out because of the truth, which makes people feel helpless. For example:

I really shouldn't bother you at this time, but I really can't help it, so I have to trouble you.

In interpersonal communication, it is necessary to know that it is inappropriate and impolite to disturb others sometimes, some occasions, but sometimes you have to trouble others, which should indicate that you know that it is inappropriate and ask for their understanding, so as not to appear reckless.

The method of empathy first shows that you understand and understand the feelings of the other person, and then express your own requirements or thoughts. For example:

I know you don't have a lot of money, but I can't help it, so I have to borrow it from you.

The most important principle of seeking others is to be fully considerate of others, which should not only be reflected in deeds, but also expressed in words.

(8) The hesitation method first explains that you are reluctant to disturb the other party, and then says the relevant requirements to ease the tone of the speech. For example:

I really don't want to talk about it, but you've forgotten to do it for me.

When making a request, if you indicate in your words that you don't want to speak, you will appear to be more self-contained.

(9) The method of explaining the cause of the request is to state the specific reason when making a request, so that the other party feels very reasonable and should be helped. For example:

Interlaced like a mountain, I don't know the rules of other people's side at all. You're an expert, so do it for me!

When a request is made, if the reasons are clearly stated, it will appear reasonable and acceptable.

(10) The method of begging for forgiveness first means asking for the other party's forgiveness, and then expressing one's own wishes or requests, etc., so as not to be too abrupt. For example:

Forgive me for taking the liberty of bothering you again this time.

Asking for forgiveness is the most effective way to communicate politely. People often use this way to communicate, which is more friendly and harmonious.

(11) The passive voice method uses passive sentences to avoid mentioning the actor and expresses the relevant meaning, so as to appear tactful. For example:

If it happens, it won't be in vain.

Count: If you finish on time, I'll reward you. ）

(12) The indefinite pronoun method uses indefinite pronouns instead of "you" or "I" to express the relevant meaning, so that the relevant words sound a little calmer. For example: Who can't ask for whom? Anyone does it.

(Compare: I had to do this.) ）

It is often rude to name people to do this or that or to emphasize what they must be. If you use some indefinite pronouns, it will look more cary.

(13) The plural pronoun method uses "we" instead of "I" to view oneself. Opinions, decisions, etc., are expressed so as not to appear arbitrary. For example:

We really didn't have anything to do with it.

(Meaning: This is the common wish of everyone.) ）

In modern communication, using "we" instead of "I" is a more common way to express politely. in political activities, foreign affairs, academic exchanges. In business interactions, it is more widely used.

(14) Humility does not use "I" but other modest self-pronouns when expressing relevant meanings, so as not to be domineering and offensive. For example:

The younger generation is rude, and this little thing still bothers Mr.

Showing humility is also an important principle of polite communication, especially in more formal settings.

(15) The method of seeing Lu and pushing away uses non-referential pronouns to push the perspective of time, place, etc. away when expressing the relevant meaning. For example:

That kind of thing doesn't cost you much.

If you think about it, it is more tactful to use distal pronouns than to use proximal pronouns.

(16) The conventional method of statement is to express the relevant meaning only to describe the relevant provisions, without using words that directly identify the other party. For example:

It's up to you to take care of this, so I beg you.

When seeking employment for official business, it is a relatively common practice to state the rules. It's much more polite than calling the shots in a personal tone. This method is sometimes good when it is usually exhortation.

(17) Gratitude means that when making a request, wish, etc., you will be very grateful to others and will remember everything they have done. For example:

We would appreciate your help.

Your great kindness, we will never forget.

Respect for the work of others, and especially the importance of others helping oneself, is an important principle of interpersonal communication and should be expressed in language.

(18) The implication method hints at the relevant meaning through the way of talking on the side, so as not to directly drive the other party and make people feel embarrassed. For example:

I'm going on a business trip for half a month, and the flowers I raise have to die if no one waters.

(Meaning: You can take care of it for me.) ）

When you ask someone to do something, you don't have to be specific. In many cases, just give the other person a hint and it will seem natural.

(19) The clue method indirectly guides the other party to consider their own suggestions or requests by providing relevant clues, leaving a lot of leeway for both parties. For example:

Our company is very close to your home, just a few steps away.

(Meaning: Please go for a trip.) ）

It is often more appropriate to send an invitation or request to the other person indirectly with the help of discourse clues than to directly state one's wishes.

(20) The presupposition method implies the relevant meaning through the implicit premise, so that the other party will naturally do what he wants. For example:

I cleaned this yard the other day.

(Meaning: It's your turn to clean up today.) ）

This sentence contains a premise, that is, "This yard should be cleaned by you and me in turn." The speaker does not say it directly, which is more subtle.

(21) The dilution method deliberately uses understatement language to express the relevant meaning, making it more acceptable and meaningful. For example:

You can help me paint this room a little.

(It actually needs to be thoroughly painted.) ）

When making suggestions and evaluations, the effect may be better if the other party is appropriately depressed according to the psychological characteristics of the other party.

(22) Exaggeration: Expressing the meaning in an exaggerated way, and seeking the understanding of the other party by explaining the difficulty of the matter. For example:

I have no way to heaven and no way to enter the earth.

(Meaning: until the last minute, it won't cause you trouble.) ）

When apologizing to the other party, it is easy to obtain the other party's understanding by emphasizing the objective reasons appropriately to show that it is not subjective or inactive. Of course, this also has to be well measured, otherwise it will seem unrealistic.

(23) The tautology method expresses the relevant explanations and consolations with the help of the repeated sentence structure of the same language, which is more reasonable. For example:

Leadership is, after all, leadership.

(Meaning: You can't do this.) ）

Similar expressions are common in everyday communication and sound very natural.

(24) The method of contradiction is to use contradictory words to express the relevant meaning. For example:

I didn't want to mention it to you, but I did.

When answering people's questions, sometimes it is not good to say that it is definitely not good, and it is not good to say no, so it is more appropriate to use ambiguous words.

(25) Anti-grammar uses rhetoric to express intimate coconut elm, secret reproach, etc., so as not to be overly rigid and uncomfortable. For example:

You can really be kidding!

(Actually, the other side is not joking.) ）

Friends ask you for help, see how enthusiastic you are!

(He's actually cold.) ）

If used properly, rhetoric can break the rigid atmosphere of language, close the relationship between the two parties, and appear more relaxed and pleasant.

(26) The rhetorical question method expresses the relevant meaning through rhetorical questions, so as not to express one's own opinions and appear to lack self-cultivation. For example:

What can I do?

(Compare: Things are so bad I can't do anything.) ）

In some linguistic situations, it is indeed more appropriate to use a similar interrogative sentence than to be straightforward.

(27) The method of ambiguity is to use words with multiple interpretations to express relevant opinions in a variety of meanings, so as not to directly disagree with the other party. For example:

It's a matter of opinion.

(It's okay if you say it's good, it's okay if you say it's bad.) ）

To express an opinion on something, it is better not to take a casual statement without knowing the other person's opinion or attitude. A little more ambiguity and flexibility might be better.

(28) Ambiguity is to use the method of not naming names to express the relevant meaning, so as not to make people embarrassed. For example:

It looks like someone stuck us on it.

(Compare: You did this.) ）

When someone deliberately makes things difficult and asks the other party to raise their noble hand, it is very beneficial not to break the matter and try to take care of the other person's face.

(29) The method of generalization is to use general words to express the relevant suggestions or requirements, so as to avoid shouting and drinking, which is offensive. For example:

A stamp needs to be stamped here.

(Meaning: Please stamp it here.) ）

It is difficult to save people, and it is better to build a seventh-level floating slaughter.

(Meaning: You save me.) ）

When asking people to do things, sometimes it is enough to talk about necessity. It would be even better if you added a little encouragement.

(30) The self-explanatory method is to use the method of saying half a sentence and leaving half a sentence to express the relevant ideas or requirements, so as to reach the point. For example:

Our company has not paid wages for half a year, and you have collected so many health fees at once......

It's quite irritating to be straightforward about stopping someone from doing something. Sometimes, as long as you put the bad possibility a little bit, people will understand it very well.

"Moisturizing things silently" - the stage of seeking success

When the last step of "Asking for People Eight Strands" was made, it was about to win a big victory, and Wu Jin withdrew his troops. At this time, do not rush to put the pen in a hurry, and leave a meaningful ending, and at the same time consolidate the victories that have been achieved. This step can be done very well by ordinary people, and it is not wordy here, but it needs to be reminded that if necessary, you can do something in the following two aspects.

Self-counting

One of the most basic points of persuading others is to subtly induce the other person's psychology or feelings in order to make them conform. If the persuading party emphasizes its own merits in an attempt to gain the upper hand, the other party will be more vigilant. Therefore, you should pay attention to breaking your own shortcomings or mistakes first, temporarily make the other party have a sense of superiority, and be careful not to express it in a serious manner, so as not to let the other party take advantage of it.

Some people who are asked think that they have helped others and are kind to you, they will unconsciously have a sense of superiority psychologically, and they may even count the people who ask for help. When you think you might be blamed, count yourself down and be embarrassed to accuse you when they find out that you have admitted your mistake. As you say:

"I may be asking for something unreasonable," "I may be a little wordy when I say this," or "I am saying something excessive......"

At this point, even if what you say does annoy the other person, the other person will not blame him for it. If you use it repeatedly, it will enhance the effect, so that the other party can easily listen to your request and accept your request.

Will self-counting have such a big effect? If you don't believe me, take a look at the following story:

Dale Carnegie, an American psychologist, used to take a beagle named Lacey for a walk in the park. Because they rarely meet people in the park, and because the dog is friendly and not hurtful, he often doesn't leash or wear a mask.

One day, they meet a policeman on horseback in the park. The police sternly said, "Why do you let your dog run around without chaining it or putting a mask on it?" Don't you know it's a crime? ”

"Yes, I do." Carnegie whispered, "I don't think he's going to bite here, though." ”

"You don't think, you don't think! The law doesn't care what you think. It may bite a squirrel to death here, or bite a small child. I won't pursue it this time, and if you run into me next time, you'll have to explain it to the judge. ”

Carnegie did. However, his Lacey didn't like to wear a mask, and he didn't like it either. One afternoon, he and Lacey were racing on a small hill when he suddenly saw the sheriff riding on a reddish-brown horse.

Carnegie thought, this is planted! He decided to strike preemptively without waiting for the police to speak. He said, "Sir, you have caught me red-handed." I'm guilty. You warned me last week that if you brought the puppy out again without wearing a mask, you would punish me. ”

"Well said, well said," replied the policeman in a soft tone, "and I know that no one can bear to take such a puppy out for a walk when there is nothing to do." ”

"I can't help it," Carnegie said, "but it's against the law." ”

"Oh, you're probably taking things too seriously." The policeman said, "Let's do this, you just let it run over the hill to a place where I can't see, and it's over." ”

It was Carnegie who used the persuasion technique of "preemptive self-blame" to make the police feel respected, so as to show a tolerant attitude, raise their noble hand, and let him go.

Borrow a donkey from the slope

After a hard battle, and finally seeing the hope of success, the person who is being asked may say, "Just do as you say!" "Naturally, it is to approve of your approach, to support it, and to encourage you. But at another time and place, this is often not the case. When he says this, he may only mean that he is vague about you, and he does not really mean "do what you want." At this time, we must be good at observing words and feelings, and find out the true intentions of the leader, so that we can act at the opportunity.

Generally speaking, in an informal setting, such as a banquet, a café, or a private home, the other party says, "You're done!" "Just do what you want" is often not a sincere statement, but most of the time it is just a prevarication, especially after drinking, it is not credible. And you don't know the truth from the fake, so you do it recklessly, and in the end it's always yourself who suffers. So when you hear such words, you must think about it seriously, this is just a drunken remark, and you must be mentally prepared that he may be a "drunken gaffe".

At a banquet or in public, people don't like to be questioned or criticized. Therefore, we should seize the opportunity, take advantage of the slope to get off the donkey, seize the appropriate moment, and further "finalize" with the opponent.

However, it is important to note the following three points:

The first point is that it must be discussed beforehand. If people agree with you to do something, of course, you have to consult with him beforehand, and the same is true at the banquet.

The second point: it must be reported halfway.

The third point: after the matter is over, a final report should also be made.

It is necessary to grasp the specific commitment of the other party and remind him to confirm it from time to time in daily life, which is also a trick to grasp the other party in his hands.

Verbal skills when borrowing something

In our daily life, there will always be times when we are short of money and materials, so it is inevitable to borrow from our relatives and colleagues. But why is it that some people are able to make their owners want to borrow money, while others hit the nail? Among other reasons, this is closely related to the appropriateness of the borrower's language. Therefore, when we borrow something from others, we must pay attention to the following points when speaking:

When you borrow something from others in a consultative tone, you must not speak in a hard tone, let alone say something hurtful to others, and you must know that you are asking for something. If your child is sick and hospitalized, and you are short of money and can only borrow from others, then you can say: "My child is sick and still lacks 800 yuan for hospitalization. I'll pay you back next month. "In this kind of negotiation tone, as long as people have money in their hands, they will not fail to help.

But some people don't pay attention to this, and when they borrow money from others, they say, "Who doesn't know that you have saved tens of thousands of yuan, and borrowing me a little money is not plucking the hair on the cow." "Words like that. It doesn't matter if acquaintances joke about this kind of thing, but when you say it when you borrow something, people don't want to hear it. Therefore, when borrowing something, you must speak in a consultative tone, so that the other party will feel that you have asked for him and respect him, and he will be willing to help you.

When you want to explain the return time, you must explain the return time and return it to the person on time. For example, if you go to the store with a colleague and see a new dress, and you want to buy it, and you don't have enough money in your hand, you can say, "Xiao Wang, can you lend me 200 yuan first, and I'll ask my daughter to send it to you when I get back." "The return time is explained, so that people feel that the money they have lent out is secure, so they will lend it to you with confidence.

Be honest when you speak, borrow things from others, tell the truth, and don't make up lies to deceive others because it is easy to borrow. For example, when you borrow money, you can't pay it back in the near future, so in order to make people happy to borrow it, you say, "I'll pay it back in a few days," or say, "I'll pay it back tomorrow." As a result, if you can't return it on time, people will see you as a person who doesn't keep your promises, and it will be difficult to borrow it next time. And don't change your mouth casually when borrowing something, start to say to borrow 1,000 yuan, and wait for people to agree and say to borrow 2,000 yuan, which will make the borrower feel embarrassed.

When you can't borrow something, don't be angry and borrow something from someone, there will always be times when you can't get what you want, and you can't say rude things just because they don't lend it to you. For example, if you borrow a bicycle from someone, they say, "I'm sorry, I can't borrow a bicycle from you, I'm going to go out later." Don't say, "Why is it so coincidental that you want to use it when I come to borrow it?" Otherwise, it will hurt the peace. When you can't borrow money, if you can say to someone, "I know you don't have a lot of money, I'll look elsewhere." This makes people feel that you are considerate.