When we were young, we longed for love, tossing and shouting all day long, all the things related to love were enough to make us cry and grab the ground, break our muscles and bones, and then read all the vicissitudes of life, after thousands of sails, only to realize that the so-called love is actually not so important, there is no need for us to dig out our hearts and lungs or do our best.

A person's life is actually very comfortable, go to the company when you have time, do something else you like when you don't have time, your life is finally only left with yourself, I don't feel sorry, I don't feel lonely, I am completely in peace, Chen Nian and Mason occasionally come to see me, mother and son are filial piety, Gao Tiancheng has never been here, oh no, now I don't know whether to call him Gao Tiancheng or Zhang Ruolei, he has never been back, the two of them try to avoid meeting, knowing that he will avoid the occasion where he appears, knowing that he will avoid the occasion when I appear. The two tacitly missed each other one after another.

I asked Xiao Han when he found out that Gao Tian's achievements were Zhang Ruolei's. Xiao Han, I have always lived carelessly, thinking that Huaihai was like this back then, and later Zhang Ruolei, until Gao Tiancheng's version of Zhang Ruolei, I always reacted half a beat slowly.

I actually wanted to ask Xiao Han if she really loved Zhang Ruolei, but I didn't ask in the end, but she took the initiative to explain, saying that maybe she really loved, maybe she didn't love, and the most important thing is that now love is no longer everything in her life, and those loves, hatreds, and hatreds have passed. Xiao Han also gave me an example, saying that those toys you liked when you were a child, those things that made you like it so much, and you will be sad when you lose it, do you still care about it now?

Xiao Han is still like that, he can always hit the nail on the head. The things we care about in life have changed, and they have quietly changed to catch us off guard, not because we are no longer attached, but because there are fewer and fewer things that can make us cling.

When women are young, they spend a lot of effort to find love, but what they are looking for is not love itself, what they want to look for may be 120,000 points of attention, everyone wants to be the center, even if it is to become the focus of the eyes of the opposite sex, that is also the focus. I've seen many opinions, opinions in love, why can't a good woman resist a man's stalking? It's not how much you love each other, it's not how stupid you are, it's that you need to be recognized too much, even if the direction that recognition comes from is not authoritative, it's not valuable, Rao is like this, it's also recognition, that recognition will make people have a sense of existence, have a very high self-esteem, and be recognized because of it.

So love is a particularly confusing word, most of the time we think we love each other, but in fact, we love ourselves. Even those who are desperate for the so-called love and die for their lives, what are the martyrs thinking? Either make you regret it for the rest of your life, or make you remember me for the rest of your life. Behind it is still the word "I".

Human nature is selfish and dark, but it is not easy for us to perceive.

When we are unconscious, we are manipulated by the so-called human nature, human beings are never the masters of everything, we are dominated by too many things that dominate the eyes of others, the behavior of others, the evaluation of others, social opinion, family, school, society, and even entertainment programs, us

The hormones, neurons, and pituitary gland secreted by the body are always easily affected and we prefer to be self-righteous.

Arrogant human beings pay a terrible price for their arrogance every day.

However, we refuse to admit our mistakes, refuse to admit defeat, are unwilling to bow our heads, and refuse to admit that we are indeed ignorant.

Ignorance makes us reckless, and we live as if we were all stumbling and suffering from gains and losses.

Xiao Han said that I was about to be sanctified in the flesh, I laughed, how could it be so easy to be sanctified? She's almost sanctified. Xiao Han actually understands better than me, I haven't lived too clearly, I seem to have everything, but I don't love the life in front of me very much, I always feel that I am still living a happy life, and I often feel that life is nothing more than this, there is nothing to think about, there is no hope, but I can't die, I can't say it's disappointed, I can't say it's negative, because I haven't reached that part yet, as for where I go, this body is still in the morgue, and I don't know how to define my own existence.

Ah Dong has never been here, and still doesn't have a girlfriend, Chen Nian doesn't feel it, Mason inherited my revolutionary mantle, and often wants to introduce a girlfriend to him, Mason's mouth is also sweet, there are good-looking young teachers in the school, so he asked Ah Dong to hold a parent-teacher conference for him, and then stringed Ah Dong's housekeeper female teacher to ask for WeChat.

will also steal Adong's phone to send ambiguous messages to female teachers, and from time to time he bleeds and spends money to buy movie tickets, and he goes to ask other female teachers to watch movies in the name of Adong.

The most mysterious time, Mason booked the ticket online, made an appointment with a single female teacher, Adong said I won't go, left once right once, what are you and me? Human bombs? Willing to go your kid by himself.

Mason was soft and hard, Ah Dong was unmoved, and then Mason cried bitterly, saying You can't bear to snub my teacher because of yourself, and then the teacher gave me small shoes to wear?

Ah Dong couldn't see Mason being wronged the most, even if he knew that Mason was exaggerating, Mason really didn't have any teachers in their school to give children empty shoes. However, Ah Dong loved him so much that he lost the law and the norms, and when Mason saw that he had made a plan, he began to jump up and down again, instructing him what kind of clothes to wear, what kind of pants and what kind of shoes, and telling Ah Dong that he couldn't offend the teacher for his sake.

Ah Dong felt that he was on the thief ship, and there was nothing he could do about the thief, so he had to ask for it. For young female teachers? He doesn't dare to love and don't dare to love, and he doesn't dare to snub others, not to mention being passive. I heard that he was carrying his fingers all day long calculating when Mason could graduate from elementary school, but Xiao Han also said, what happens after graduating from primary school? There is also junior high school, and there is still high school after junior high school, anyway, now that Zhang Ruolei and Meizi have separated, she is no longer your sister-in-law, and she should be chased.

Ah Dong began to stop talking.

Later, we didn't hear from Xiao Han again, and we got news from her again a year later. A certain temple.

We drove there, and saw Xiao Han wearing a gray monk's robe, covered with a sheet, and pedaling on her shoes, and when she saw us, she smiled at us.

I saw her smile, but it no longer had any earthly significance.

A few of us stood not far away, as a testimony of her shaving, and there were some lay people at home next to her, with sea green hair, and scriptures in front of them, standing up for the first time, Xiao Han came forward and bowed her head to us, the moment she lowered her head, I wanted to cry a little, isn't it worth it in the world? Are you going to throw away this red dust?

Even if the world is not worthy, is none of us worthy?

Tears fell, but I tried to smile at the corners of my mouth. So laughing became more ugly than crying, Xiao Han didn't cry, raised her head, smiled at me, robbed all living beings, but she wanted to become a Buddha on the ground. There is no such reason.

I wanted to ask her why she wanted to become a monk, and I wanted to ask her if she could not become a monk.

But those words are all sad together, choked in my throat, I can't go up, I can't go down, I can't go down, I just choke in the middle, which makes my heart sad but helpless.

"The shaving ceremony will begin later." Xiao Han informed us, "There will be a fast after the meeting." ”

I know a little bit about fasting, that is, everyone eats together, it is vegetarian, I remember the first time we met, the rush time on the college campus, the cafeteria aunt can always shake the meat off the spoon. Now we can eat meat casually, but she is going to start a vegetarian again, the most important thing is that even if she has no fixed place to live and no fixed line, at least she is still with us Hongchen, she is really retired, and she doesn't want to come back.

As soon as the time came, the ceremony began, a nun led the bell to ring the chime, and the host personally shaved her degree, thousands of troubles, and the voice landed, and the host asked Xiao Han, do your best to live, don't kill, can you hold it now?

Yes.

Entering my Buddhism, living as long as possible, and not committing adultery, can you hold it now?

Yes.

Enter my Buddhism, live a long life, don't lie, can you hold it now?

Yes.

I saw strands of her hair falling, and the nun permed her scar. Since then, there has been a great husband in the world. The yarmulme hat, that's the husband's face.

I never knew Xiao Han was religious.

I can't see it, I can't stand it, I have believed in Buddhism for so many years, and I don't want to see it when it comes to the end.

No one thinks that Xiao Han has ever been related to any religious doctrine, but she threw herself into the empty door and never asked about the world.

Why?

Give Zhang Ruolei to her, I don't mind. Will she be able to change her mind? I peeked at Zhang Ruolei's complexion, as usual, without a trace of waves.

Xiao Han's legal name is Shi Fanjing.

Brahman, it is said to mean purity, purification and purification, until purity is no longer pure. The world is dusty, people's hearts are cloudy, we are all too dirty, and now Xiao Han may have encountered a method that can really make him clean.

How to say that I should bless her, I still feel that I can't do it. In my opinion, Xiao Han's life has been bumpy, her heart is full of holes, she finally found a moment of peace in the world, life is back on the right path, she should be given a few more years to live a good life, a good life is at her fingertips, but she is not rare.

What is the rationale for this?

After fasting, sit for a while, the monks and laymen are separated, we should go down the mountain, and Xiao Han stays on the mountain. When sending us down the mountain, the wind moved the monk's robe, and her clothes fluttered and stood awe-inspiring

Halfway up the mountain, a plaster of ash is reflected in a cluster of greenery, which looks like a legacy of independence.

said goodbye, even if we see each other 10,000 times in this life, we will no longer be the same as before. I didn't dare to look back, but I burst into tears, only the sound of footsteps followed me, and the trees on both sides were lush and lush. The sun has slanted in the west, the light red sunlight passes through the treetops, mottled in the mountain paths, the trails are winding and twisting, there are dark green moss between them, walking and walking, my feet slipped, one left and one right, Zhang Ruolei and Ah Dong supported me.

I stopped, looked back, and saw that Xiao Han was still shadowy not far from the mountain, standing in the wind like a fossil.

"Xiao Han." I shouted, "I don't blame you. "I cried, I couldn't control them, they overflowed like a spring.

Only the breeze in the valley responded to me, but Xiao Han did not answer me. I couldn't see the look on her face, she was getting farther and farther away from me. How lonely and lonely people have to be, sometimes you can't even part with an enemy, even if she is a former enemy.

I stood still, looked up, and saw that someone had seen through the red dust, so I resolutely walked away. And she stood on a high place, looked down at me, and saw that Hongchen was a mess again, and there were still people jumping in, and they didn't regret it.

"Xiao Han." I almost snorted, and my voice was much quieter. "If you regret being vulgar, remember to come to me."

I knew she couldn't hear it, Zhang Ruolei stood beside me and said to me, "There is no Xiao Han in the world, she is Shi Fanjing." ”

"Shi Fanjing." I repeat in a whisper. The heart is like a knife.

End of chapter

The first is the latest.