I don't know why, but I stubbornly fell in love with photography, and since then, my life has really changed.

Although, I don't know why I do it, maybe it's just because I like it, or maybe it's not for any reason, it's just because it brings me joy.

It's a comforting feeling, and I don't know how I'm going to face my current studies or live like my peers.

Before, I also thought about trying to finish my studies, but it turned out that I was not studying this material. I'm often stumped by a single word, a math problem that couldn't be easier.

During this time at school, I was miserable, life was like a pool of stagnant water, and when I wanted to struggle, I was horrified to find myself like I was wearing shackles, and there was no way to escape from it.

I looked at the world outside the cage with some determination, of course, it was just such a simple wait-and-see, and it was a delusion to want to get out.

So, I aspire to graduate and grow up. It seems that the world as an adult is very attractive to me, and I know that I have to face the pressure alone, but I am not afraid.

And now I am like a fish living in a fish tank, with fresh water, sufficient nutrients, and safety.

However, I am not happy at all, in fact, I prefer to see the world outside the fish tank, I know that it is unknown, there are many risks waiting for me, and it is precisely because of this that I am more eager for the freedom of the outside world.

Now, all I have to do is write exercises and memorize words, which makes me feel miserable, and it's not just the burden of schoolwork itself.

It's just that the people around them are becoming more and more numb, and they gradually lose their thoughts about everything, and they seem to have no other choice but to obey.

I know that as a small person, I shouldn't have questioned this, I just need to do what everyone else looks like, but I really can't do it.

I don't know why they want to be manipulated by the world like a puppet day in and day out, they don't know what they want, maybe they don't want to know.

Just like me, knowing what to do, I couldn't change all this, but I felt that this life was very sad.

I don't understand why people are swarming at formulas that they will never use again, and I don't understand why we all have to live according to the same mold.

In my opinion, the world should not be so monotonous, at least, it should have a few more bright colors.

As for the ranking of the school, they are fighting to the death, I am only the last student of this school, of course, I don't care about such a ranking.

In the eyes of others, I should be a very bad person, I don't have a smart brain, and a little difficulty in math problems is enough to make me feel at a loss.

I also can't remember those complicated English words, I always memorize them once, and my words are also ugly, and I am often complained about by people around me.

In this way, it seems that I can't do anything, and it seems that the people around me also have a cold face towards me, I know my situation, but I don't plan to change anything.

I just think it's strange why, they are all the same people, busy for their own credits every day, this feeling is like a rectangular lunch box made by the manufacturer, they are all exactly the same, there is no difference.

Now life is very depressing for me, and when I want to break free, I am very confused, where is my direction?

I do not know. When I go home alone at night, when I walk alone on the street, I often wonder myself, I don't know where the hope is. Maybe it exists, but it's too faint. And what can I do?

I've always had a wish to be able to photograph my favorite landscapes, and as long as I have my own camera, I can see the world without worrying about anything.

I'll admit I'm not smart, and I even seem a little stupid, but I also have a blueprint for the future. It's just that this idea is too difficult to implement.

Many times, I wanted to give up. It's too hard to keep going, and even if I do what I can to do something like this, what will I gain.

It seems that there is nothing, and in the eyes of ordinary people, it is nothing more than paranoia that does not hit the south wall and does not look back.

No one understands me, it seems, I am just an unlearned, idle person, no recognition, and even on this road I feel like I have nothing.

Even though I had the intention of dropping out of school countless times, I didn't have the courage to make it happen.

As for my studies, it didn't help me with my photography in the slightest, but I had to deal with it head-on, which made me feel very tired, but I couldn't help it.

I wanted to be a good photographer, so I had to put a lot of my energy into photography.

So, whether it's weekends or school, my schedule is always irregular, sometimes waking up early and sometimes going to bed late.

Sometimes when I walk down the street with a camera and look at the empty streets, I often feel the urge to cry.

Even if, on weekdays, I look like I don't care, but in fact, when I feel uncomfortable, I don't know who to talk to, naturally, including Beichen.

Even though he was the only boy in my life who could bring me light, there were many times when I really felt his warmth.

However, sometimes, I feel that he is far away from me, as if we are not supposed to be in the same world, and his aura makes me unable to open my eyes, and sometimes even stabs me unintentionally.

I thought about leaving him, but, later, I realized that I couldn't do it at all.

I was deeply attached to him, and I liked the warmth in his arms, even if he rarely hugged me, but that body temperature would give me an inexplicable feeling of warmth, and I liked that feeling.

He can read my joys and sorrows, and can listen to me tell my sorrows, but, I don't know why, but I feel that Beichen is far away from me.

At school, he was always the best of the boys. However, I could not detect his emotions.

Even if, sometimes, he was beaten and bruised, when he saw me, he still had a heartless smile on his face, as if these things were not a big deal for him.

As for me, I know he is sad, but when I see him, I don't know how to comfort him.

Just like that time, he had a high fever and still insisted on coming to school, but he pretended that nothing had happened.

When I asked him, he didn't say a word, and then I realized that there was no real empathy in this world, and even if he told me what was in his heart, I didn't know what I could do to help him.

We were born into different families, we are good at different things, and we have different views of the world.

I wish I could get closer to him and be able to read his joys and sorrows, but it's a pity that he didn't give me such an opportunity, Beichen is indeed very good, but his excellence makes me feel very tired.

I don't like his hard work, and I don't understand why he disguises himself so perfectly in front of me, and this makes me feel more and more distant from him.

So, during this time, I was not happy at all.

Even though I won the competition in the city, photography was a long way to go for me, and my studies had been ruined to the point of near collapse, and I didn't even know if I would be able to graduate, and getting an admission letter from a university was more like a luxury for me.

It's just that I seem so weak in front of the world, and there seems to be no difference between my existence and my disappearance in this world.

A lot of times, I felt helpless, no one understood me, and no one could help me, except myself.

The world is so big, but no one knows what I want, no one can give me what I want.

So what should I go about doing? Do I have to stick with it? To stick to my life creed, do what I love, and love the people I want to love.

Abandon? Sometimes it sounds so simple, it's just a momentary thing, but after that, will I still be happy? Where am I headed?

Some things are like that, forget it and it's over, I'm still young, I don't want to throw in the towel so early, and sometimes, even if I know I won't win, I don't want to give up sooner.

No one sees me, no one understands me, but these are not so important to me anymore, and I will keep going, even if it is just one road to the dark.

It's been a lot of pressure these days, and I don't know why, I just want to write something, even if I am reluctant to say these words to anyone, I don't know what to say to Beichen.

I couldn't speak, and I wasn't sure if he would understand my thoughts.

It's just that after saying these words and writing them down, like a hangover person, it seems that all the loss and frustration in his body have been diminished little by little with the words in his pen.

Anyway, Xuanfan, I hope you can be well, remember?

You have to become a photographer, no matter how much you have to endure or how tired you have to endure, you can't give up, but do your best to achieve it.

It is enough to be more chic for others and stick to your own path.

I hope you can become a happy adult and chase the life you yearn for.

Twenty years later, you should be very strong, will you still remember the loss and joy now? Now, then, why should you bother with that?

You will live the way you want to be, and you will be happy.