Born as a human being, I'm sorry - [Day] Osamu Dazai "Human Disqualification"

In 1994, with the launch of PS (1), I fell to the ground. Of course, the game consoles in Japan have nothing to do with me, because I was born in a remote mountain village in northeast China.

In life, there are countless choices, big or small, difficult or easy, but the only thing you can't choose is your birth. Some people are born with a golden key, and some people are born destined to suffer from hunger and cold. Even if life is like a marathon, there are people at the end of the race, but I can't reach the people at the starting line.

I can't remember when I started to remember, and even now I remember that before I was 6 years old, it was a patchy light and shadow, and it appeared and disappeared from time to time. I vaguely remember that it was a bungalow with the figure of 匚 (2), there were always black cobwebs stained with black ash between the walls and the roof, and there were swallow nests under the eaves, and I lived in one of the rooms with a couple and their children, the husband and wife were my grandparents, and the girl was my aunt. This is the first person I remember as a child, and unlike ordinary children, I guess the first thing I called out was not "Mom and Dad", but "Grandma and Aunt (3)".

There were still a few families in the village, but now I can't remember it at all, I only remember that there was a large open space in front of the door, and there was a cement "bunker" in the clearing, a small one meter square, and a locked black iron door, like a monster's seal. Every day, I play with other children with water and mud on it, which is both a handicraft stage and a stage. One is to show off his work, and the other is to imagine himself living a different life, away from the mountains, away from the mud, away from the seal of the monster under his feet......

That time was the easiest part of my life, although sometimes I was beaten and scolded for taking food from others because of greed, but such a big child, after crying and patting the soil on his body, could immediately laugh and bloom, and then ran out to have fun. My aunt was only a thirteen or fourteen-year-old child at that time, I don't know if people are poor and ambitious, or grandma's tutoring of her, in short, as long as she knows that I want other people's things, she will always give me a stick education.

Poor mountains and bad waters, I remember always accompanying my aunt and grandmother with a pair of scissors on the side of the road to dig mother-in-law Ding (4) to take home to eat, a small mountain village ~ mountains are naturally indispensable, there is also a rain after the basket with them into the mountains to pick mushroom experience, it is said that when I was a child, my eyes were sharp (5), and I could always see the mushrooms under the pine needles.

I remember once picking up a nest of small birds on the mountain, wet, I couldn't open my eyes, I could only stretch out my little round head and squeak, it was very cute, it was the first time I was touched by other life. My grandmother didn't let me take it home, saying that I wouldn't live long without my mother. The speaker had no intention, my heart was shocked, the little bird would not live long without its mother, so what about me? Where's my mom? Won't I live long? That was the first time I wondered why I didn't have a father or a mother. Of course, in the end, my grandmother couldn't help it, so I still brought a nest of birds home, and sure enough, I died within two days, and I was sad.

There is no concept of child labor in the mountains, my aunt works in the mine, drives a winch (6), has no technical content, is a few long levers in front of her, and moves them as soon as the bell strikes, so she often takes me to the mine, and when I have nothing to do, she will accompany me to catch grasshoppers, thread them with a thin wire, and roast them on the electric stove. Speaking of eating, at that time, my family was poor, and I could eat meat (7) once during the New Year's holidays, but they were reluctant to eat it, so they left it all to me. As soon as my aunt paid her salary, she went to buy me children's music (8) and instant noodles, I basically don't remember what breast milk tastes like, and I haven't drunk milk powder, probably because it's too expensive~ So these two are considered a two- or three-year-old complementary food. Of course, the above food is a childhood memory, and I want to reminisce when I grow up, but none of them change the taste.

About grandparents. Most of the memories of grandpa are drunk too much before coming back, so the memory is not deep, grandma, as the head of the family, always beats and scolds him, and let me also scold, childish words, I am never polite, a little less respectful upbringing, but in exchange for grandma's laughter, very satisfied. At the age of two or three, I already knew how to please someone, stand on the same side as her, and suppress her opponents, and the result would not be too bad.

Just under this laughter and scolding, thunder and rain, I am a year older. The aunt (9) who has not seen much is getting married, the aunt is about 18, unlike the aunt who is not good at words, the aunt's voice is more crisp, and her personality is more cheerful. The eldest uncle is also a tall and handsome Northeast man. When I was a kid, I was afraid of him, he didn't talk much, and he didn't laugh much. Once, on the kang at my grandmother's house, he used a bench to scare me, saying that he wanted to shoot me, of course, just to tease the child, but he frightened me. The aunt on the side went up and slapped her: "White Navy!" Don't scare me (10) Baby nephew! "That was the first time I saw my uncle's smile, and he probably really loved him. The eldest uncle's family is from the county, not a big family, at least a well-off family, so he is willing to eat, drink and gamble, but the eldest aunt doesn't mind. Second, if you marry and leave the village, you will have a good life, and no one wants to suffer in a small mountain village for a lifetime.

In the blink of an eye, my aunt's wedding date came, and at her wedding, I met for the first time the earliest playmate I can remember, Bai Yang, who is a relative of my aunt's family, but I can't remember whether it was a nephew or a nephew. I only remember that he was a big tongue, and everyone played a game of clapping together: "You shoot one, I shoot one, knit a sweater." You shoot two, I shoot two, flower handkerchief...... You shoot six, I shoot six, and bite the bun and bite the meat (11). "Hahaha, Poplar is wrong again, it's six bowls of buns and six bowls of meat!" The children around me were screaming, and I knew that he couldn't pronounce the "lak/l" sound. But I don't know if it was out of instinct or if it was really for me at the time to belittle others to bring me pleasure, so I also coaxed him and laughed at him together. After arguing for a long time, he became impatient, and a trace of anger flashed on his face, but it was fleeting: "Oh, you guys don't care, keep playing, what time is it?" "It's just a five- or six-year-old child, if it's an ordinary child, I'm afraid that he will cry and shout that they are bullying me to find my mother, it seems that he has been ridiculed a lot, even my aunt, uncle and other adults laugh at him, I'm afraid he is used to the humiliation of others. Why do people always like to entertain a group of people by hurting one person?

After 5 years of carefree work, I faced the first difficulty in my life - it was time to go to school.