I'm Nebula.

"Doctor, I think I'm sick. ”

That's what I said when I first met him.

Night-tired is a counselor recommended to me by the owner of the tavern I frequent. Because of my status and social influence, I can't make my personal issues public.

The reason why I befriended him was that one day in the past, I suddenly realized the fact that I was suffering from illness.

It was a silent dusk after the first snowfall.

I was done with all the work at hand, and finally got a little respite. Usually there are not many opportunities like this, and I have to handle almost all the company's affairs myself, so I rarely have time to spare.

At least I could be less busy that afternoon for a while. Pouring some wine, I stood in front of the huge floor-to-ceiling windows, gazing at the thriving city. The snow was not heavy, but it lasted for a day, and now everything was covered with a light layer of silvery white, and the color of the building was faintly visible.

The sun is about to set. At a certain point, the afterglow of the setting sun is gilded on this layer of silverware. The city is so big, so dazzling, it's like a mythical city of gold.

In an instant, a huge, torrent-like sensation descended.

It was a sudden emotion, without warning, without any warning, without any signs, it just "came", "happened".

I don't think it's lonely. I've long been accustomed to fighting alone—maybe it's an adjunct to loneliness.

It ferments and expands like life.

I didn't want to do anything when it engulfed me. I'm not in the mood to continue working, I'm not in the mood to talk to friends, I'm not in the mood to eat, I'm not in the mood to drink. Even something as simple as breathing, I don't want to continue doing it.

I was very confused by such unwarranted grief. I don't know where it came from, but by the time I found it, it was deeply rooted in my body.

It grows, it prospers, it bears bitter fruit, it fills every crevice of my heart with the smell of decay.

So lonely.

It's painful.

I want to die.

I want to sleep, I don't want to sleep, and I can't sleep.

I want to wake up, but I can't wake up, and I can't wake up.

It's such a contradictory feeling.

hazy, vague, vague, obscure, bleak...... Everything I thought and saw was like a vast mist lingering in my mind, like a thick cloud covering my heart.

The shadows of those who have died because of me and those who have died for me often haunt me.

It's weird, I've forgotten about them. Is it because of the pressure at work lately?

"I think...... Not very comfortable. ”

I'm tentatively expressing it.

Boss Qiu was wiping a goblet clearly. He didn't seem to quite understand what I was trying to say:

"You mean you have a stomach problem? It's all about your bad lifestyle...... Do you take the Chinese medicine I recommend you drink on time?"

"I mean it'...... here"

I tapped the glass wall lightly, pointing my other finger at my head.

"Migraine? Or is it about alcohol dependence?"

"I don't ...... Maybe it's a mental breakdown. But you know, I can't change the current schedule, I can only prescribe some medication to relieve it, so ...... What ......"

I don't want to think about it anymore. I mumbled to it.

Qiu Miao stopped wiping the cup.

"I'm going to introduce you to a counselor? You know, the kind that doesn't leak personal information. ”

"I'm very healthy. It is...... The mental condition is not very good. ”

"Ah, I know. Anyway, how about you meet first, as a friend, I am very concerned about your condition. ”

I agreed.

The meeting was an afternoon in a private meeting room outside my office.

Heavy curtains keep the sunset at bay, and bright white lights make the interior feel like daylight.

My tired eyes swept over him roughly.

The lab coat didn't look like the uniform of a professional doctor. Its fabric is high-end and the hem is wider, like a long trench coat. On the coffee table in front of him was a small notebook and a new ballpoint pen.

"Doctor, I think I'm sick. ”

Ya Bai turned his face slightly and sat on the sofa in a relatively comfortable position. Seeing that I had no desire to continue, he parted his hands with interlaced fingers on his knees and picked up the pen and paper in front of him.

"Madame, I want you to know that I really want to help you. ”

The tone is professional and sincere.

I looked at him carefully.

His short black hair is clean and fresh, but his sideburns and bangs between his eyebrows are longer, his face is slightly pointed, and his eyes are pure black pearl color of Orientals. Below the corner of his right eye, an inconspicuous tear mole dotted his cheek.

“...... yes, everybody says that. ”

The doctor looked worried. He was silent for a moment, then put the pen and paper down.

"I don't know how Boss Qiu introduced me to you. I don't know much about your situation, though. So let's be a little more honest with each other? I have a presumptuous question. ”

I nodded nonchalantly.

"Have you ever killed someone?"

This abrupt question caused me to be stunned for a moment.

That's the case, Qiu Miao will know, will it be a good citizen?

"Nope. ”

I replied in the same sincere tone.

It's true.

I saw the doctor raise his eyebrows slightly, as if he believed it, and as if he didn't. But it doesn't matter, I'm not going to convince him.

I looked down at my hands. Straighten the knuckles, the nail art done a long time ago has faded and is ugly. The phalanges are obvious, not skinny, but they don't look so rich and plump. They are somewhat thin, with obvious calluses on the side of the wrist of the mouse and the middle finger of the pen.

In a trance, they were stained with blood.

In order to climb to where I am today, I have made extraordinary efforts and some small efforts.

For example, human nature, morality, part of conscience.

I call it a necessary sacrifice.

Even though I have never put anyone to death with my own hands, there are many people who have died in the hands of intrigues. Although it feels bad, it's like the logic of "I killed with a gun, and it's the gun that is guilty, not me".

"Don't be so vigilant, I'm not a plainclothes policeman. ”

He spread his hands and smiled, his voice soft.

Years of experience in communication have made me form a habit of guarding against one's hand, although it is the person introduced by Qiu Miao, there should be no other purpose, but I am still wary of him.

After that, we talked about a few other things, and we talked about the privacy of both parties, and he didn't ask too much about my situation. He's not like the rest of the world, and you don't have to be clever and clever to communicate with him — I mean, not that tired. The topics he brings up don't touch my minefield, and they don't mean to be tempting.

If it weren't for this doctor-patient relationship, maybe he would be a good friend.

After the doctor left, his small notebook fell on the table. I picked it up and found that all his contact information was already written on the front page.

This guy is really interesting.

"He was an underground doctor in his early years, and then disappeared for a few years, and when he came back, he said that he was not mixed up and took the exam as a psychological counselor. ”

That's what Boss Qiu said.

Actually, I'm not interested in doctors. I think he was just a passerby in my life.

It is like falling leaves in the stream, the breeze in the trees, the clouds in the moon, and the butterflies in the sea.

Appear, pass by, and disappear.

What I didn't expect was that the leaves settled at the bottom of the stream, the wind lingered beside the trees, the clouds lingered around the crescent, and the butterflies stubbornly anchored on a rushing wave.

That was later.

In the beginning, the doctor would visit me at my leisure. Occasionally, when I was busy, he just waited quietly outside, reading books and reading the news, until I was done.

When we talked, we talked about nothing more than the recent emotional and physical condition, which is no different from other psychiatrists.

"Actually, you don't have to be so troublesome, just prescribe some medicine that meets my symptoms. ”

"It's a medicine, madam, don't underestimate the role of psychological counseling," he smiled faintly, "What's more, I'm just a counselor, and I don't have the authority to prescribe medicine." ”

I frowned. Perhaps this expression made him sense my displeasure, and he quickly mentioned something else.

Although he is no longer a real doctor, I am still used to being called him. After all, Boss Qiu's people are all called like this.

It's the end of winter.

All kinds of Valentine's Day goods were listed as scheduled, and the stock market was booming. I was a little more leisurely, and came to the familiar bar as a guest,

After asking me about my current situation, Qiu Miao joked:

"You have to be careful, don't fall in love with him. ”

The so-called love is as light as dust.

"It's called empathy," I sipped on a colorful liquid, "and it's a strong emotion that the patient has for the counselor during the psychoanalytic process of hypnotherapy or free association. ”

"Oh, that's a lot. ”

"I don't like it...... Something unknown. Since I have to be assisted, I have to know a little bit about it. ”

I know I have a habit of pausing between each word whenever I say something serious. It's a bit like drinking too much, but I've always been confident in how much I've drunk. Even alcohol is a more effective freshener than drugs.

"Empathy is a subconscious process in which the patient projects certain important people from his past life onto the counselor. Boss Qiu said this, his hand groping for something under the bar.

"Don't you know that too. ”

"So I'm telling you, don't really fall in love with the doctor. He was such a bastard when he was younger—"

At this, he laughed to himself.

"No, it won't. In my life, there has never been anyone who can leave me behind...... Impressed. ”

"Oh, that's great. Here, this is for you, Happy Valentine's Day-"

He finally found a delicate little box, and I took it.

"Are you such a boring man?"

But the moment I opened the box, I didn't hide my surprise in the slightest.

A brand new revolver.

- To be continued -