"Why are you doing this?"

After training one day, I took the towel and mineral water he handed me, and I suddenly asked.

"Well, there's no special reason, it's just that life is forcing it. ”

He replied with a large mouthful of water, then screwed the lid on, and looked at me with interest:

"It's you, at this age, it's time to take the college entrance examination this year, why are you wandering around? So many injuries and fighting?"

“......”

A few sporadic fragments flashed through my mind. But then, I realized that he had looked into me - I didn't have anything to prove my identity, how did he determine my age?

"You don't trust me?" I asked.

Qiu Miao paused for a moment and understood what I meant. He spread his hands helplessly, smiled and said:

"Anyway, we are disciplined. Big brother is to keep you first, so it's easier to check. But don't worry, I've made sure you're not some undercover agent, at best a bad girl who ran away from home - and went to a juvenile detention center. ”

"Oh. Then you're so capable, and then check me?"

Although I didn't feel so dishonorable, I didn't know anyone who had turned out the moon, and no one would be happy.

"Well, but I want you to tell me. ”

The broken images were clear, like a TV screen with a restored signal.

My father, didn't like girls.

I don't like the girl who gave birth to me, my mother.

Unprovoked scolding is commonplace. For a long time, I was deeply aware of the fact that he hated our mother and daughter.

"No, it's not. In fact, Dad loves us very much, because he works hard to support us and is under a lot of pressure. ”

Is that so?

But I was just a child, and I didn't have a deep understanding of the complexities of love and hate, and only this intuitive language and behavioral violence reflected to me my father's most honest attitude.

Women who are not financially independent have no voice. It was true for my mother, and it was true for me.

I try to behave a little bit and be a little bit better. Cautious language, mid-to-upper grades, and constant observance, I live in dire straits every day. The slightest carelessness can trigger a chain of landmines.

Even sometimes, I didn't do anything.

Day after day, long periods of nervous tension alternated with irregular blows without stopping, the threshold dropped, and I finally got used to this life, just like my mother.

I thought my father was just like the rest of his family and didn't think I was a boy. So I tried to be stronger, to be braver. I often got into trouble with the boys in my class, and none of them could beat me, they all listened to me.

This is a headache for the teacher. But for the sake of my grades in elementary school, I didn't call my parents frequently.

Even if her mother was occasionally called over, she just nodded her head and humbly apologized. But she never said anything about me, because she thought it wasn't my fault.

"What do you want to eat at night?"

On the way home, she always just smiled and touched my head and asked.

I felt relieved.

However, during the summer vacation after graduating from elementary school, I learned the truth.

A truth that I couldn't understand at the time, but I knew the heaviness of it.

That night, amid the furious yells of my drunken father, the beating of my mother with bottles and ashtrays, and my hoarse cries, I heard the fact that I was not his own daughter.

At that time, I didn't have a clear concept, but I vaguely understood that my father was angry that I was my mother's daughter, but not his.

"It's all your fault!"

He shouted at us. I stood barefoot on the glass shards all over the floor, protecting my mother tightly.

"Just the two of you mother and son are of the same heart, right, don't you treat Lao Tzu as a thing?!"

He shouted loudly, his face flushed, his teeth and claws. His voice was harsher than ever.

"Crying has a fart, you know crying!"

After I got a hammer on my back, he slammed the door and walked away.

From beginning to end, my mother did not say a word and endured all this in silence.

I asked my mother if he was telling the truth, and she nodded her head softly, so lightly that she couldn't notice. But I still caught it.

"What about my biological father?" I asked again.

"Sick to death. ”

I had a vague feeling that my mother had made a mistake when she was younger.

After she had me, my biological father died. She was afraid that one person would not be able to take good care of me, so she hurriedly married the man she was now with.

No, she wasn't wrong. She's just scared of losing me.

Is love also a fault?

Is it?

She didn't say anything anymore, just hugged me tightly.

Speaking of which, I've never seen my mother cry. Even though she was hiding in the house alone, I walked over and didn't notice that she was crying. Not once.

"Because you're strong?"

"Ah, because as he said...... It's useless to cry. Don't think about it so much, do you want to eat something in a moment?"

At that time, I didn't understand that it was her tears that flowed.

And since then, I haven't shed a tear, not a single one.

In the same way, I don't want to play the role of a good boy anymore. Compared to my mother's forbearance, I learned to resist. Although I am still a weak girl, at least in the face of his raised hand, I will be like a puppy that has been stepped on by its tail, baring my teeth and waving my hand in resistance, roaring wildly, and causing him to be at a loss.

Since junior high school, I've been dealing with bad kids at school. At least at school, no one dared to bully me. On the other hand, my grades became unimpressive.

I deliberately went against the man to make him angry, and even if he hit me, I achieved my goal of provoking him.

As a result, it was my mother who was most affected. She was invited to school again and again, but she still nodded her head as before. It makes me feel very irritated. Everybody thinks I'm just a symptom of a rebellious phase, and even I think so.

I fight violence with violence, at home and at school.

However, he intensified his bullying of his mother.

In this way, I still lost.

In this endless war, I even tried to kill him while I was underage. But the first time I said it, my mother rushed over and covered my mouth.

"What are you thinking? So what are you going to do in the future?!"

Future?

I don't think about anything that far away. One more day in such a hell on earth is already earned, isn't it?

I still love my mother, but I hate her weakness and endless compromises.

I also hate this boring world.

Teachers who judge people by their grades, and students who judge their status by their family background...... It's so hard to get everyone to approve of you. Everyone's standards are so different and varied.

But there's one thing that can.

Violent.

Although countering violence with violence never solves problems, it can solve problems. I also know that the recognition I receive is not heartfelt. However, this is one of the most effective criteria. At least in front of you, it can get you enough respect and obedience.

What does it matter if it's not from the heart? Anyway, what I want is not their heartfelt feelings.

People are such vain things.

Only animals are not, animals in nature can do anything to survive. They are not vain and use absolute power as the criterion for judging status.

Human society is not good - the human world is all about rules and laws.

All in all, skipping classes, fighting, drag racing, surfing the internet, ...... I'm doing everything a bad student should do.

Where I could see or couldn't see, my mother was also suffering more oppression. Before the same oppression, eruption and perdition, I chose the former.

What I don't know is that my mother didn't choose the latter.

After another three years, the long period of forbearance and infinite compromise came to an end.

Forever.

Even I could feel the tension of the atmosphere in the third year of junior high school. The air in the class seemed to freeze, and the usually naughty students sat honestly in the classroom. I couldn't stand the oppressive atmosphere, so I carried my schoolbag and went home early.

Until I stood at the door of the house, I didn't notice anything unusual.

Humming a song, I pulled out my key and opened the door.

A strong smell of blood greeted you.

Mother stabbed something after knife, and the red liquid soaked the floor. And the object of the assassination, the destruction is almost unrecognizable to me.

"You're back so early. ”

It wasn't until I walked in the door that she stopped and turned her head stiffly.

"What do you want to eat at night?"

She still asked softly, in a tone so familiar to me. But her expression was wooden, like a stranger I didn't know.

My mother, taken away by the law.

What can't protect me at this time, does it come into play?

It's disgusting.

The mother did not have her parents. According to the verdict, I was delivered to someone from my father's house. Although they didn't know about my blood, they didn't take good care of me just because I was a girl.

Even if I run away from home, no one will come to me.

That's my story.

Qiu Miao opened his mouth, but stopped talking.

After a long time, he raised his hand and slammed my head hard.

"You're pretty good. ”

That's just what he said. I didn't feel as stunned as I imagined, or sorry for the bad memories it brought back to me. But his expression was still as heavy as every ideal listener.

I'm a little happy. At least he didn't show something as disgusting as sympathy, which was a form of respect.

"And what do you want to eat in a moment?"

"Wow, do you know how to cook?"

"What do you mean by that, don't you look like it? But no way, it's too troublesome to wash the pot, I'm asking you to order takeout. ”

He threw his phone over and I almost missed it.

Qiu Miao said that if he was still studying, he might be graduating from college soon. He's been in the organization for about two years, and he hasn't made much of a name.

I don't know what he went through before he joined the house in the past, but because of one thing, I realized that even here, his life was not easy.

I swear I didn't have any bad intentions that day, just out of fun — and I paid for it.

- To be continued -