Early in the morning, Brooks called me and asked me what clothes he was going to wear to pick up Allison at the airport, and he was so nervous that he even knotted his tongue when he spoke to me. This kind of dialogue makes me imagine that they will love each other in the future, and without blood relationship, I will always be an "outsider", right?

"By the way, remember to bring an umbrella, it will rain in the afternoon. I don't know if the plane will be delayed, if it is, you will have to wait for me in Flushing first. We went to that restaurant for dinner together in the evening......"

He booked the restaurant, tidied up and cleaned the house, even the car was filled with gas, and waited for the gas pedal to drive to the airport.

For the first time, I took the initiative to fold the quilt in the hospital room, took my favorite book of Cernuda's poems with a crimson cover, and left the nursing home in New Jersey. Take the train to Central Station and then transfer to the metro. The noise in the carriage was disturbing, and I leaned against the door, put on my headphones and listened to the music, thinking about it, and my mind was very calm.

Alice sent me a lot of messages after boarding MSN, which I hadn't used for a long time, but I had been in a nursing home and didn't have much time to use my phone, so I didn't board MSN. In the message she sent, half of it was apologizing to me, half of it was explaining to me, and in the last message, I didn't add the WhatsApp account she left, just told her: I have forgotten the past, I wish you and the baby all the best.

The subway was rampage through the dark tunnel, and I grabbed the handle and looked out the door at the black.

That's when the phone rang. The call came from the hospital, which directly and indirectly prompted something to happen......

Two hours later, outside the operating room of a hospital in Flushing, Brooks' daughter, Allison, hugged me with tears in her eyes.

"He's my only relative."

Brooks deserves to be blessed by God, why is that? God, you tell me, please tell me, why is this happening?

I kept praying to God outside the door, hoping that he would be okay, and that I would take care of him for the rest of my life, even if I was disabled.

Alison told me that he parked his car when he arrived at the airport and was hit by a speeding car on the road as he walked out. The driver fled and was arrested by the police as soon as he drove out of the airport.

At this moment, the doctor came out and reported to us the operation process and situation: the left leg and left hand were all fractured, and the spleen was broken.

When the doctor opened the abdomen, the blood was directly spurted out, and seven or eight pounds of black blood stinked in the abdomen.

I clutched my stomach and couldn't speak.

"If you have anything to say, hurry up."

Hurry. It's the most cruel thing I've ever heard in my life.

"Can you salvage it again? I beg you! ”

I grabbed the doctor's arm and cried out to let him go.

“Hua！”

Alison held me up.

"Let's go inside, there's no time."

Alison helped me change into an isolation gown and get into the ICU, and I saw Brooks lying dying on a hospital bed, his eyes sunken, his cheekbones bulging, and his body full of tubes.

Alison knelt in front of him, took his hand, and choked out, "Daddy, it's me, Allison, I'm coming to New York." ”

I stood behind Alison, looking into Brooks' misty eyes, as if looking for something, and his gaze couldn't even focus.

"Ai... Leigh... Mori ......"

Brooks was trying his best to make a sound.

Alison clung to his ear, restrained her voice, and continued, "Mommy will come to see you, and you'll be fine." ”

Brooks didn't have the strength to speak, I wiped away my tears, walked around to the other side of the bed, and took Brooks' other hand, "Brooks, my dad, please allow me to call you that once, I've never called anyone dad in my memory...... Thank you. ”

“Hua.......”

Brooks' eyes were red, his gaze still staring at the ceiling.

"I'm here, Alison is here, you don't have to be afraid."

Brooks didn't have the strength to speak, his body had lost his aura, and he lay there like a corpse.

"No... Afraid... ......"

His hand fell, and the instrument rattled at each other. I fell to my knees numbly, unable to make a sound in pain. Outside, the wind was raging, and a storm was sweeping across Flushing.

I still remember the morning when Brooks smiled and reminded me to bring an umbrella.

The nurses came in and pushed Brooks away, and my ears were ringing so much that I couldn't hear anything clearly. I felt uncomfortable in my stomach, and then I vomited directly on the floor of the ICU.

Alison had lost contact with Brooks since she was a kid and couldn't understand my feelings.

I don't know how long it took, but I was tired. The rain finally stopped, and after the storm had passed, Flushing hung up a brief rainbow bridge. The first time I came here, I saw a rainbow.

Coming out of the hospital, the sky and the earth are vast, everything has faded in color, and the whole line of sight is covered with a layer of gray and white, like walking in the fog. With my legs limped and cold sweating all over, I took Allison to Brooks' house.

When I entered the house, I said, "He was very happy and said that when I was discharged from the hospital, the three of us could live together......"

"Hua, thank you for taking care of Dad."

"I didn't do anything at all. God is playing a joke on both of us. ”

Alison shook her head sadly, too.

Familiar room. There was also rice in the kitchen, which he bought at the supermarket when I came back from Alaska that day. I sat in the chair and sobbed, it was so painful, and it hurt in my heart, not from being poked with a knife, but from being bitten by a bug.

We went to the next shop to have some food, and the clerk asked us if we wanted a large or small portion, and we sat staring and contemplating with demented eyes, without a look, unable to listen to anything. The clerk repeated it again, patted Alison and asked again, and she replied, "Small portions." ”

I don't know what I ordered, why it's so expensive. Anyway, when the waiter delivered the bill, Alison gave fifty dollars plus the service fee.

No matter how delicious the rice is, we are frustrated and have no appetite and mood to eat the taste, like chewing wax.

Alison sighed heavily and threw her fork on the table.

My heart hurts so much. He took twenty-five dollars out of his pocket and gave her a few bucks, and ran out of the restaurant alone.

Alison caught up, her hand around my shoulder, trying to calm my emotions.

I stayed at the same hotel as Alison and I spent the night. I don't want to live in that place and will definitely have nightmares.

I turned on all the lights in my hotel room and tried to write a suicide note in the quiet room. For the first time, the content of the suicide note is like this: My name is Xie Yihua, my English name is HUA, I am from Xiamen, China, and I now live in New York.

I stopped writing, crumpled up the paper and threw it away.

Then he continued: "Suicide note." Then wrap the line: "Don't forgive, don't forget." ”

Still not right. I crumpled it up again and threw it away.

"Suicide note."

Line breaks.

"Love is nothing but never-ending wandering. But I don't want to wander anymore. ”

Still not right.

In the silence, I threw the pen against the wall behind me in a frenzy, and then tore the A4 paper in half and half, and finally fell to the floor as white shards.

I held my aching head and moaned and wept.

Quicksand of time.

A few days later, he was finally buried. His face will disappear from the world from now on.

I've been staying at that hotel for the past few days, and every night, I've been trying to call people like crazy, and in the end I can't help but bother anyone.

I sat under a desk lamp and wrote the last diary entry of my five years in New York: Brooks is gone, summer in New York......

Why not winter?

In this season of frenzy, I lost a father and buried him with one last breath.

I can't understand my life now, I don't have a job, I don't have friends, I just lost my last family member, derailed from normal social life. I just feel so lonely. I used to think it was just a spice of life, but now it's all my life. Brooks' unexpected death took my last love. Now, no one will know where I die, and no one will cry for me. Because the only one who will cry for me has gone to God.

Now I'm crying over his death.

The hearse skirted Central Park and ended up at the Anglican Church, where we folded our hands and prayed for him.

The priest reads, "Dust to dust, dust to dust." ”

At the end, Alison said softly, "Dad, I will live in New York, feel how beautiful the city you used to live in, and I will always remember you and love you deeply." ”

I looked at her, holding back my tears.

I swallowed a whole box of melitrexine tablets and floated like a shadow in lonely Manhattan. I took one last look at the city that had thrilled me. All things are as beautiful as Si, and the Si people are about to pass away.

I didn't take anything of the rest, only the collection of Sernuda's poems that Mr. Hu gave me in my arms. I walked forward on the Brooklyn Bridge, and kept walking, and I ignored the passers-by as they passed me, and my eyes narrowed their vision, leaving only the aisle more than a meter wide in front of me. Cernuda's words of loss rang in my ears like the chatter of a friend, and he said to me, "I remember that I was once the wind of freedom."

I was young at that time, and I longed for love, for freedom, for the gentle and firm chest of my lover, for being loved, for being understood, for everything. At that time, the world was at my feet, my dreams were in front of my eyes, my lovers were by my side, and then they all left me, including the two cats, living and inanimate, and they all disappeared from me. I can't expect all the love anymore.

Maybe I've been asking for too much all along.

If fate can be re-chosen, I don't want to be born in this family, I want to be the wind of freedom.

I just want to be the wind of freedom.

I look back at the men who have touched my body, the men I have opened my heart to and treated gently, you all have your own strengths and fatal flaws, I don't want to bless you, I can't learn to forgive, that's God's business. The scenery of the world came to mind, far before I was babbling in kindergarten, and as close as I was burying Brooks today......

I don't have a moment of remembrance. Buy a ticket and take a cruise to the foot of the Statue of Liberty.

I stopped my hasty and aimless steps, pulled out the book, and the old, yellowed paper calmly spoke its thoughts in my hand. I stood on the shore, looking out at the setting sun, the pink sunset like a summer day in London, a view that you would not have seen in a prison. I don't have any emotions. I think I saw heaven as it was, with a group of laughing people living behind them, green trees and red flowers behind them, the sky as clear as freshly washed, no clouds of smoke, the earth bright as gold, and the smell of peach blossoms around the babbling streams to greet those of us who had just arrived in this place.

Suddenly, I saw Brooks' shadow, smiling at me by the river, and Jay and Alice, Sano and Mida, all smiling at me, and I smiled at them. Brooks waved at me and motioned for me to come over, and I ran in surprise, thinking I could grab the happiness and start over!

"Bang", two ...... The book fell to the ground, and the wind blew its yellowed paper, and the pages were like a surging heartbeat of life.

The wind passed through the thin sheets of paper, through the Statue of Liberty, through the cars on the Brooklyn Bridge, through the blue of the dark air in a parallel way, leaving a lingering sound to echo.