On the first day of being officially "placed under house arrest" in the mountains, I didn't think about anything or do anything, so I kept lying on a small bed with a thick quilt that somewhat blocked the cold, and only got up to sprinkle two bubbles of urine and one bubble of stool.

It wasn't until the next day, when it was estimated that it was almost noon, and my father or mother had almost brought the meal, so I lazily got out of bed, squatted on the side of the canal, picked up cold water and rubbed my face, so that I looked a little more energetic, and then went out of the mountain bay and came to the pass.

Rao has not eaten the grain of rice for more than 24 hours, and only got a few sips of water to drink when he peed, but he didn't feel hungry and didn't have any appetite at all. Coming outside along the canal, she smiled and talked to her mother, who had been waiting for a while, and under her supervision, she ate all the small pots of food she brought, and after seeing her go back with some reluctance, she went back to the grass hut and continued to sleep with a swollen belly.

I used to think that Du Chengyi's sentence "The more I sleep, the more tired I get" sounds a little strange, how can people get more and more tired when they sleep, isn't it that two people will be tired when they sleep? Now I finally began to really realize, there is nothing wrong with that, sometimes sleeping alone is indeed more tired than sleeping with two people, and it will fall into a vicious circle of more tired and more tired and more tired and want to sleep.

Still when I couldn't hold it back during the period, I got up and sprinkled two bubbles of urine, pulled a piece of, and drank some water to quench my thirst by the way, and still lay in bed at other times, sometimes sleeping and waking up, sometimes half asleep and half awake. It wasn't until the noon of the next day that I reluctantly got up compared to peeing on, washed my face with water, and came to the outside of Shanwan with a hippie smile, and from the hands of my mother, who had come here a long time ago, I took the brand-new insulated lunch box and began to eat, talking to her with a smile, and after sending her back, I continued to go back to the grass hut to lie down and fall asleep.

The third and second day were still the same.

The fourth day was still the same.

The fifth and second day were still the same. Every day, except for drinking water,, peeing, holding water and washing faces, and young performing artists come outside to talk and eat with a hippie smile, the rest of the time they lie in bed and pretend to be dead, and rarely have other activities. Many times I do feel that lying down like this is really boring, and I want to find something to do, but I just think about it, first, I feel tired, even if I find something to do, it is just as boring, and secondly, it is such a broken place, and it is really not easy to find a pastime other than sleeping.

For a person who even fantasizes about the tenderness of his little daughter-in-law like water, it is indeed a bit too embarrassing to find a goal that can re-energize his spirit.

Of course, in the days when I was lying on the corpse, my face inevitably began to become haggard, and I lost some weight, but I also became a little swollen, in a word, it was abnormal. However, I didn't notice any of this, completely ignorant, except for sometimes, I feel a little dizzy, and I can't remember exactly how many days have passed, everything else still feels good about myself, and even thinks that I have made obvious progress in the performance of this project, and when I see my mother, I smile more and more beautifully, and after sending her away, I am more and more depressed and even gloomy, and I am more and more free to release without flaws, because every time I see me, my mother is also smiling, Never showed the slightest hint of concern.

Oh yes, it's not like I've been doing nothing serious these days of playing dead, and when I'm bored, I've given this thatched hut a name that I think is chic and apt: Yinshan Grave House.

The days of living alone in the "Yinshan Tomb House" were spent in sober and muddy nightmares, until noon on the next day, in my own words, it was another time to go out and "stir up" Note (1).

Note (1): Stirring, the author's hometown is the nickname for eating. Because pig food is called "pu", when cooking pig food, you need to use a big spoon to stir in the pot, stir the rice bran corn flour evenly, put it into a large bucket to feed the pigs, and then scoop the feeding trough with a big spoon, so people sometimes joke that they will call the meal a stirring.

On this day, pinching the time, I struggled to get out of bed, squinted my eyes, yawned and squatted down by the canal, and when I washed my face with water, I inadvertently glanced at the surface of the water with a layer of moss growing at the bottom of the water—maybe every day when I came to wash my face, I had seen it in the water, but I had never noticed it before, and today it happened that the idea had arrived.

In short, the moment I looked at it and saw the somewhat strange person in the reflection on the water, I was stunned for a moment, and then a little frightened.

This man had a scruffy beard, a haggard and puffy face, no color, and the corners of his eyes were bloodshot and lifeless...... Is it really me?

I looked at it in a daze for a few seconds, and after reacting, I quickly broke the calm water surface and washed my face with water.

Maybe it's because Leng Buding saw himself who is not a ghost or a ghost, so that he was a little panicked, this time I washed my face very carefully, no longer just rubbed it casually twice like a few days ago, and used the stimulation of cold water to make myself sober a little and finished, and I also used water to comb my hair that had grown a lot as if suddenly, and washed my teeth that I couldn't remember how many days I hadn't brushed, and then I got up and walked outside.

Despite all the careful tidying, I still didn't dare to look into the water again, because I was afraid that I wouldn't have the courage to go out to meet people again.

dragged some hesitant steps outside, my mother was still waiting, and it had been for a while, these days, although I always consciously came out earlier, but every time I came out, my mother always came early before me.

Everything seems to be the same as usual, but it's very different.

Especially when I walked out, I obviously saw that my mother, who was still smiling gently, suddenly turned red.

Suddenly, a deep guilt welled up in my heart.

I can't remember much these days, I've been pretending that nothing happened, but why isn't my mother pretending?

Although I didn't say anything, I still fully understood from the instant change in my mother's eyes, I didn't just become like this today, but on the second day of going up the mountain, or even the first day, I was already depressed, and my mother has always seen my changes in her eyes, but she didn't say anything, knowing that my hippie smile at dinner every day was disguised, so she also disguised her emotions better, as if she didn't see my changes.

When she saw that I had taken care of my life, but still looked haggard and swollen, she realized that her son had finally realized what he was like and had finally begun to wake up from his state of confusion and depression.

So for a moment, her true emotions, which she had been hiding well, were exposed.

I didn't dare to say anything, because I knew what kind of bird I was now, and I also knew that my mother was also in disguise, full of shame, afraid that once she said it, she would have no face to face it again, and the woman in front of me who gave birth to me and raised me was gone.

No wonder my mother has been delivering food these days, and my father has never come, otherwise he would have seen me like a wreck, and I was afraid that I would have been beaten up a long time ago. She didn't want her son's appearance at this time to be seen and deal a blow to her son, and she didn't want her son to be beaten at this time.

So I pretended that nothing happened, and as quickly as I could, I ate all the food that my mother had brought me, and there was nothing left, and after a few casual laughs, I planned to escape back to the kennel that I had made into a cage by myself.

Seeing that I wanted to go back, my mother didn't say anything, and nodded in agreement with a smile.

Then I wanted to slip away, but I didn't want to stay any longer for a minute, and this embarrassed look was given by my mother more, and the shame in my heart increased by one more point.

"That's right, Niannian, you wait." However, just as I turned around, my mother suddenly opened her mouth as if she had thought of something.

"Mom, what's the matter?" Turning to look at my mother again, although she was smiling, she began to panic in her heart, for fear that she would say something.

However, it turns out that it is I who is too weak and worried, so many days my mother has not said anything to me, at this time I have begun to wake up, how can I still say, I saw her smile softly, and said: "It's nothing, it's just that you and Xiaowei haven't been in touch for some days, Mom just wants to ask you, do you want to talk to her." ”

I was slightly startled, and then I really started to panic.

To say that these days of inexplicable depression, there is really no desire at all, it is impossible, just the gentle township of the little daughter-in-law, I can't get over it at all, when I am bored, I don't have a lot of cranky thoughts in my head, just because the old man doesn't let me contact the outside world, I don't bother to think about contact. At this time, when my mother mentioned it, I suddenly felt a little nervous in my heart.

But, with the current appearance of being neither a ghost nor a ghost, I already lack courage when I see my mother, and I am ashamed to do it, where can I have the face to face Zhang Xiaowei?

"It's okay, your master and his old man just said that, I want to beat you up, so that you can take care of it, and you are not allowed to contact Xiaowei, as long as you take care of it, it will be fine, and I haven't spoken to you for so many days, Xiaowei seems to be a little anxious, so you just listen to your mother and give her a call." As she spoke, my mother took out my phone.

It's my phone, not hers. On the morning of going up the mountain, I turned off my mobile phone, and then put it in my grandfather's room, and handed it to the old man, since the phone is now in my mother's hand, it means that the old man gave it to her, and I can't contact the outside world, and I don't plan to strictly enforce it.

But it's still that sentence, how can I have the face to contact Zhang Xiaowei now? If the phone call comes and she wants to make a video, and her own woman sees my virtue, she will have no face to call herself a man anymore.

Taking a step back, even if I didn't have a video, I wouldn't have the courage right now.

So after hesitating for a moment, he still chose not to pick up the phone, found a reason to prevaricate, and said that after two days of contact, he ran away and left, not even daring to ask if Zhang Xiaowei knew my current situation.

It wasn't until I entered the thatched hut and sat down on the edge of the bed, which was very rare for several days, that the panic and shame in my heart eased a little.

At this moment, I suddenly discovered that the grass hut had unconsciously become my shell, and I was the poor turtle slug who was sensitive, fragile and inferior.

I'm a human being, not a tortoise, and this thatched hut isn't a tortoise shell, so I can't keep shrinking here, and I don't want to keep shrinking here.

So I began to reflect on why I did this.

This thought was almost a whole day, and it was not until dawn the next day that it suddenly dawned, and then patted his thigh, resisted the urge to slap himself twice, and began to shake his head and smile bitterly.

It turned out that I was angry with the old man.

Although I didn't say anything and was completely obedient to the old man's arrangement, I actually blamed him in my heart. blame him for always not receiving the affection of my disciple, obviously he cares about him, but he is often reversed by him; Blame him for always not wanting to make anything clear to me, always asking me to do something, but not telling me why to do it, how to do it, just like this time, just like this time, only tell me that the "breath" is something that every generation of painters must do, but he doesn't tell me what that breath is, how to find it.

So, on the surface, it seems that I was because he didn't say anything this time, simply and rudely sent me to the mountain, completely abandoned in this extremely gloomy environment, and didn't let me draw pictures and fight with him, and gave up on myself, but in fact, it was a concentrated and small outburst of small emotions that our master and apprentice did not understand his various behaviors for more than ten years, and then generated and accumulated.

He didn't put me under house arrest in this little grass hut, I imprisoned myself here, and made this ghost place my "turtle shell", and I was willing to fall but shrank in it with peace of mind.

So whether or not to go out, and when to go out, is entirely up to me, not the old man, just like when my mother handed me my phone, I didn't want to take it.

Thinking of such a simple truth, it took me so long to figure it out, except for a wry smile, I could only smile bitterly.

So when noon came again, for the first time in several days, I couldn't wait to take the initiative to walk out of the grass hut, and when I went down to the canal, I didn't squat down to hold water and wash my face for the first time, and walked straight out, without looking at myself in the water again, because it was no longer important, and my steps really felt brisk for the first time.

When I came to the old place, my mother was still waiting, standing on the small grass in the canal, with an insulated lunch box on the cement ridge, and looked at me with a smile as I came out of the bay.