I was slightly stunned after hearing this, I never thought that Mao Ranran would say such a thing to me.

I did put myself in too much pain, and I felt like life was torturing me and I was torturing myself.

I always thought that I was hiding it well, even if I was in a daze with insomnia, I waited for her to fall asleep in the middle of the night before letting myself sit somewhere in a daze, but after all, I still couldn't hide the past.

Mao Ranran is definitely a big woman in my heart, but her level of attention has broken through my perception of her, I just wanted to say something to her, but she stopped me and continued.

"I think you should go to a psychiatrist, and if it's really okay, you need to look at what you're thinking. Think about it, since you love someone, he is so important in your heart, and if something happens to him, you can't stay up all night, why can't you be together? Is it the hatred of your parents that causes you to not be together, or are you obsessed with him, and he put the hatred of your parents on you in the first place, so that you can't forgive? You obviously love each other very much, but what's wrong now, you have to make each other very tired, is it worth it? ”

yes, is it worth it?

I've asked myself this question countless times in my mind, but I still can't get an answer.

I really love him, and it's because he counts all his hatred on me that I break up with him, but I always feel that I just can't get out of this strange circle, as soon as he appears, I'm like a hedgehog, covered with thorns, and I just want to put it all up to protect myself.

Now Mao Ran pointed it out to me openly, I really can't escape, otherwise I will get more and more serious, more and more evasive, and the only thing I can do now is to face myself.

……

After Mao Ranran told me this, I gave myself a few days off, didn't go to the store, didn't go out, just let myself have a good rest, during which I thought of a person, for my current state, I think she should be able to help me.

So I picked up my business card and pressed it down on the phone number.

After the call was connected, He Anning was a little surprised by my call, but was quickly overshadowed by other excited emotions.

After a brief exchange of pleasantries, I explained to her very bluntly my intention to find her.

Although she was surprised, she didn't show it too obviously, and just asked me very confusedly, "What?" Introducing a psychiatrist? Is it something else that you have or someone else? ”

"It's me." I told her in no uncertain terms.

In fact, now, I have nothing to hide, long-term insomnia has pulled my mental state to the worst, if I continue to hide the disease and avoid medical treatment, I can probably only reach the last state of breath, I have to face up to anything.

Two days later, I was back in Shanghai, and He Anning had already helped me find a psychiatrist in the private office she knew.

It's really nice to know people, and even without queuing, you can easily go directly to the clinic of Chen Mo, a well-known psychiatrist in Shanghai.

I was nervous for a while when I went in, my brows never stretched, and to be honest, I was afraid to see a doctor, especially this kind of psychiatric or psychiatric department, as if they could penetrate everything about you, so that you seemed to have nowhere to hide in front of them.

Fortunately, He Anning was by my side, which made me feel a lot more at ease.

When I looked up at Dr. Chen, I realized that he should be a gentle and elegant man in temperament, with a bookish appearance and a well-maintained appearance, if He Anning hadn't told me that he was forty years old, I would have thought he was only about thirty.

Dr. Chen was not surprised to see me fully armed, but instead sat on a chair and looked at me gently and smiled: "Miss Li, you can take off your mask and hat here and relax, I only have patients here." ”

Even He Anning patted me on the shoulder and signaled me to relax, so I really took off all the things that covered my face in one go, and faced Dr. Zhou like an ordinary person.

"That's a good way to cooperate with the doctor." With that, Dr. Chen got up and stretched out his arm to point to the Chivas Regal sofa in the treatment room, and motioned for me to sit down: "You can relax quickly over there, you can choose the way you want to chat with me at will, if you want to diagnose the condition well, you must cooperate with me well, so that I can prescribe the right medicine." ”

At this time, He Anning had already exited the room, leaving only me and Dr. Chen to start talking.

Saying that I had already sat down, it was a different feeling, and it was much more relaxing than sitting at the desk with the doctor and asking you long and short questions.

Dr. Chan just chatted with me, talking about my emotions when I used to work, and when I talked about my feelings, I had an indescribable urge to avoid it.

In fact, the whole process still made my whole person feel like a fluttering fairy unconsciously, but when I opened my eyes and saw the reality, I seemed to feel that something was pressing on my heart, pressing me out of breath.

Eventually, Dr. Chan returned to his desk and typed into the computer.

When I saw him filling in the medical records for me, I couldn't help frowning and asked him, "Dr. Chen, what's the matter with my insomnia for so long?" Nervous breakdown? Or is it just insomnia? ”

Dr. Chen didn't look at me, just wrote down the case carefully, and finally told me calmly when he finished typing the last word: "No, your symptoms are almost exactly the same as a person's symptoms, and I suspect that you are anxious." ”

"Anxiety?" When I heard this word, I couldn't help but raise my voice and look at him suspiciously.

As if he had become accustomed to the behavior of people with illnesses like me, Dr. Chen still leaned back in his chair and calmly met my gaze: "I know that you don't believe that you have this kind of illness, and most people who are sick will say that they are not sick, so your emotions are normal." ”

I didn't want to believe that I had any anxiety at all, I really thought it was just normal insomnia, just take some medicine for insomnia, I stood up all of a sudden, and just wanted to say goodbye to the doctor, I heard Dr. Chen say in a relaxed tone: "You can ask He Anning, she once had anxiety disorder, she even had misanthropic thoughts at that time, after a long period of treatment, she has fully recovered, if you don't believe me, you can ask her." At that time she reacted much more violently than you do, you were only mild, and she was much more severe than yours. ”

I looked at Dr. Chen in a daze, glared at him in disbelief and asked, "He, He Anning, she used to suffer from anxiety disorder?" ”

Dr. Chan raised his eyebrows, as if he said that if you don't believe it, you can ask.

Standing in front of his desk for a long time, I slowly sat back down, and Dr. Chen pushed a thick folder in front of me: "When He Anning talked to me on the phone yesterday, she informed me of your symptoms in advance, and I already had a general conclusion, she said that maybe you won't believe it, so you can show you her case when you think it is necessary, and it is up to you whether you believe my diagnosis or not." ”

Holding He Anning's case, I began to look through it.

Pages and pages are all about her path to healing, from three times a week, to once a week, to once a month, and finally to the time her condition is cured, it is a full year and a half of treatment.

I always thought that He Anning was a beautiful and humorous woman without troubles, but I didn't expect that behind all this, she was once plagued by severe anxiety disorder.

It turned out that all the happiness on the surface was earned by her hard work.

I don't know what she has been through, but I know that she must have experienced a deeper trauma than mine, and she can face her illness bravely, so why can't I?

When I thought about it, I accepted it.

After reading this, I looked down at my feet, and my heart was full of mixed feelings.

I think I'll have to accept what the doctor says, and I can only admit that I'm sick.

Mild anxiety disorder, which is the final diagnosis of my condition.

But I don't know why I'm like this.

I had to seize the opportunity to ask: "Dr. Chen, I feel that I am different from He Anning, she has experienced great trauma, but I have not, my things happen one by one, and when those setbacks and changes happen, I think I have fully accepted them, and I have lived in another city for almost three years, why am I like this?" ”

Dr. Chan nodded and finally told me, "A lot of mental illness is hidden in the deepest part of your heart, and you think you can handle your emotions well, but you don't know that you can't digest them yourself. You say that you don't have any friends, so you don't have an outlet for you to vent so many things, you don't have nowhere to say, there is no one who can psychologically counsel you, and over time, the emotions hidden in your heart are like a time bomb, which will detonate that catheter in a certain thing, even if it is just a small thing, and make you become manic. ”

Hearing this, I couldn't help but start to hide my face, as if Dr. Chen had said something deep in my heart, and the corners of my eyes were a little moist, but I couldn't help but cry.

"Cry out, don't be depressed from now on." Suddenly, I heard Dr. Chan's advice, and I looked up at him.

He handed over a pack of tissues, sat next to me and comforted: "Every patient who comes must first learn to let themselves cry, not silently crying, but crying, crying heartbreakingly, if you want the treatment to be effective, you must learn to listen to me, you can quickly get out of the haze, you also want to get rid of anxiety disorder as soon as possible, then do as I say." ”

I really wanted to learn to cry, I used to, but in the past two years, it seems that I can't do anything but be silent.