"Actually, I really don't want to be this mess!" Yang Yan said remorsefully.

"Who wants to be a mess?" I cynically said, "But going through all this mess, can you not want to mess around?" I suddenly felt myself emotional, "Pain, can make us forget the pain!" Grief can make us forget grief! If you can't open it, then let go and fall for a while! After the fall is the ascension! Anyway, they are all people who have already thought about dying, so why do you care so much? ”

"Have you been stimulated by anything?" Yang Yan asked with a frown.

"Yes!" I learned Zhao Benshan's tone and said in a weird tone, "I have been strongly stimulated!" ”

"How do you want me to fall?" Yang Yan asked with a look of disgust and a blank expression.

"The sun and the moon are long in the pot, and the wine is big."

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Yes! How can you solve a thousand sorrows if you are not drunk? ”

"It's better to get drunk in your bed, isn't it?"

"Yes!"

"And then?"

"What do you say?"

"Are men like that?"

"I guess so! Men are like dogs, women are like bones, there is no dog that doesn't want to gnaw bones! ”

"I'll drink!" Yang Yan picked up the beer bottle on the table as she spoke, blew it up, and after two sips, asked, "Are you true or false?" ”

"What is true? What is Fake? I smiled and said, "The human heart is separated by the belly!" Those who spray feces on their mouths may not have a bad heart, and those who smear honey on their mouths may not have a good heart! The sweeter it is, the more vigilant it is sometimes! The sweetest bait, perhaps the most poisonous poison; The biggest benefit, and perhaps the deepest trap! ”

Yang Yan nodded, then shook her head again.

I don't know if she understands or doesn't understand, or if she doesn't know how to pretend to understand or pretend to understand.

"True love," I said passionately as I looked at Yang Yan with a blank look, "it is understanding, understanding, help, and being by your side when you need it most, giving you care and encouragement!" A person who has the ability to love you must be someone who will love you, love you, care for you from beginning to end, and help you, not someone who dominates you, manipulates you, hurts you, and stays away from you when you need it most! It's not love, it's selfishness, it's stupidity, it's irresponsibility, it's meanness and shamelessness! If you are nostalgic for this kind of feeling, you are cheap! I suddenly realized that I was too impulsive, and at the same time, I also saw Yang Yan's confused and dazed face, "I'm sorry, I'm a little excited!" I picked up a bottle of beer and blew it, "You're not angry, are you?" I asked Yang Yan.

Yang Yan shook her head.

"Actually, you're right!" Yang Yan nodded.

"Don't let 'love' become 'chains'!" After receiving encouragement, I struck while the iron was hot and said, "Broken love often teaches people how to behave!" When you are in love, what you open is only a door of love that leads to him, but what closes is all the doors of love that lead to you; Break up, close that door to him, there will be many doors of love that lead to you! ”

Yang Yan no longer shook her head, nor nodded, but lowered her head and said nothing.

"Did you listen?" I asked Yang Yan.

"You tell yours, I'll listen!" Yang Yan still didn't look up, "Why do I feel dizzy in my head?" ”

"That's right," I said in a weird way, "and now it's the stage of detoxification and sterilization!" ”

Yang Yan pursed her mouth, looking like she wanted to laugh, but she didn't laugh; Maybe I wanted to cry, but I didn't cry.

Silently, she picked up the bottle and began to drink it one sip after another.

I didn't persuade her.

I know that for a heartbroken person, sometimes, the way to forget the pain is to make it more painful, and the physical pain sometimes really makes us forget the pain of the heart; The way to forget grief is to grieve more, and the new grief will dilute our old grief; And the way to forget all pain and sorrow is to indulge, and the indulgence of the flesh will liberate the mind. I don't know, is this understanding right or wrong? Just like Yang Yan at this moment, her sick and weak body shouldn't drink, but if she doesn't let her drink, will it make her no longer feel heartache and sadness?

Yang Yan finally got her wish and got drunk.

As she said, drunk in front of me, drunk in my bed, drunk to the ground.

Looking at this seventeen-year-old girl who didn't know where to put her body and was far away from her parents and had nothing to rely on, I suddenly felt a sense of heartache and pity, and the thought of taking advantage of the fire was gone. For such a girl who has lost any protection and does not know how to protect or even protect herself, all evil thoughts and all desires are a shamelessness and sin, even worse than beasts! I suddenly felt much nobiler and purer, and it seemed that I could see the small self that had been hiding behind evil thoughts and animal desires.

I smiled and gently covered Yang Yan with a blanket.

I listened to Yang Yan's even breathing as I began to process the manuscript.

The night grew deeper.

As I was concentrating on the manuscript, a hand, a soft hand, silently rested on my shoulder, startling me! I didn't look back, I reached out and held the soft hand tightly. Yang Yan's fingers were thin, long, and soft, curled up in my rough and somewhat dirty palms, feeling so fragile and helpless; Then, I felt Yang Yan's soft body come up, like a poor and lonely stray cat, gently lying on my back. I turned around and gently patted her on the shoulder, wanting to say something, but I didn't know what to say.

"Aren't you sleepy?" Yang Yan asked softly, a faint taste of wine emanating from her mouth.

"Don't be sleepy," I smiled, "I still have to work on manuscripts, this is my job!" ”

"I dreamed just now," Yang Yan said thoughtfully, "I dreamed of him again!" ”

My heart suddenly cooled half, like a basin of cold water poured on my head.

I looked up, stretched, and let out a long breath, but soon I ran out of breath and my heart was not cold.

"If you want to say that you don't want it to be fake," I said seriously, "who can be ruthless if you are not a plant?" The human heart is made of flesh, not made of clay, not carved in stone, and not tied with straw. People have feelings, and they don't forget it. ”

"But I feel like I don't love him now," Yang Yan said extremely seriously, "I really feel this way!" ”

"That's right," I said happily, "if it's garbage, you have to throw it in the trash!" People have to learn to forget, to forget the things that are unhappy, to forget the people who have hurt you, to forget them cleanly, even though it is very difficult to do. ”

"Actually, he's quite selfish and irresponsible!"

"Feelings are like this, when holding hands, they are blind, only see the good, not the bad; After breaking up, it's time to open your eyes and look at those shortcomings! It's better to think about the bad than the good, and to deny it altogether! ”

"Hmm!" Yang Yan nodded lightly and said faintly, "If anyone marries you, they will definitely be very happy!" ”

"Don't! Don't say that! I pushed Yang Yan away, rolled my eyes and said in a weird manner, "There are many people who have said this to me, and I haven't seen anyone really marry me, they are all pouring me ecstasy soup!" I've long since become an old Chinese medicine doctor, and no one should give me this medicine anymore! ”

Yang Yan laughed slightly, not knowing whether she was laughing at what she said or what I said.

She laughed, and that was enough.

That night, I told Yang Yan a lot.

It was only at dawn that I fell asleep.

When I woke up, Yang Yan was not in the house.

I lay on the crunching bed as soon as I moved, and I made up my mind as I looked at the earthworm-like openings in the dusty cobweb-strewn ceiling.

I knew I had no choice!

So be it!

After Yang Yan came back, I told my plan, and suddenly I burst into tears when I saw Yang Yan.

The next day, I accompanied Yang Yan to the hospital to eliminate the evidence of the crime of seeking pleasure, someone else's;

On the third day, I paid Yang Yan a month's rent;

On the fourth day, I gave Yang Yan 1,000 yuan for living expenses;

On the fifth day, I really didn't know what I was supposed to do.

Time passes day by day.

On this day, Yang Yan suddenly told me that she didn't want to go to school anymore.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

"I want to leave this place that makes me sad!" Yang Yan said in a low voice.

"Maybe!" I said with mixed feelings, "For a person who is very sad and disappointed, maybe the only way to go, only to leave everything that does not go well and bury his head away, is the best destination." But what if you leave?

Some things can be forgotten with a faint smile. And what about some? Even if you go to the ends of the earth, you can't forget or escape from the time and energy you spend all your life. ”

"I've decided I'm leaving!" Yang Yan said seriously.

"Do you dare to sleep with someone like this in the future?" I asked Yang Yan.

Yang Yan didn't say anything.

It seems that Yang Yan has become dumb.

Time passed little by little, and the air seemed to freeze.

"Do you really love me?" "Dumb" suddenly spoke again.

"What do you say?" I asked rhetorically.

"I can't tell," Yang Yan sighed softly and said faintly, "I don't know either." ”

"What are you going to do when you get back?" I asked tentatively.

"I originally wanted to go back to be a tour guide after learning a foreign language in Beijing!" Yang Yan said softly, "Actually, if you want to learn, you can learn anywhere!" After a pause, Yang Yan suddenly said emotionally, "Dunhuang is beautiful!" If I become a tour guide in the future, and you want to travel to Dunhuang and get married, I will definitely give you a free tour guide! ”

"As long as you don't slaughter me like a pig, thank God!" I laughed.

"Actually, I also like Beijing very much, that's why I came to Beijing," Yang Yan said with clear eyes, "If it weren't for this messy relationship, I would have fallen in love with this city, and I will continue to stay here!" ”

"Then stay there!" I said seriously, "No one drove you away!" ”

"If it weren't for all this mess," Yang Yan said quietly, "I think I'd be in love with you!" ”

"If it weren't for all this nonsense," I said, smiling, "you might still be looking at me with your heels!" ”

"If you are willing to wait," Yang Yan said with affection, "Give me a year, let me forget this relationship, and I will definitely find you in a year!" ”

"Don't say a year," I smiled, "for a lifetime!" My heart is never defended, you can come whenever you want, push with your hands if you want to, kick with your feet if you want to, as long as it's convenient for you! ”

"If we really have fate," Yang Yan said softly, "we'll meet again!" ”

"I hope so!" I said with a smile.

Yang Yan finally left.

On the day she left, I insisted on taking her to the train station, but she politely declined, saying that she wanted to feel the taste of parting alone.

After Yang Yan left, I suddenly felt empty in my heart.

When I passed by the house rented by Yang Yan again and again, when I went up to the roof again and again to get drunk, and when I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night to look at the empty house again and again, Yang Yan's beautiful and innocent face always flashed in front of me.

I felt sad, sad, and more of a void that had no support after my heart was hollowed out.