3. Reeds and low self-esteem

Saturday, 7 October 2017 Fine

I haven't been in contact with Reed for a long time, but today I unexpectedly met on the train back to school.

At that time, I was wearing headphones and looking down at the novel in my seat, when someone suddenly came over and patted me on the head, and I was about to turn my head to get angry, but I saw the enlarged smiling face of the reed, which was shockingly ugly.

"What a coincidence, I was able to meet you on the train!"

The reed actually changed his usual sloppy appearance, lost the head of the chicken nest, and became a blue and black short inch, but it seemed that the whole person was a little more refreshed, and the outfit was also a lot more sunny, and the black short sleeves were loosely covered with a black and white plaid shirt, loose blue jeans, tsk, but there was a feeling of being a new person.

The moment I saw the reed, I was pleasantly surprised, no matter what kind of journey, I would be lonely when I walked alone.

"It's unfortunate, why are you again."

I turned off the novel reading app on my phone and looked up at him, one arm resting on the back of my seat, one hand naturally in his pocket, his eyes shining brightly, and his expression fluttering as he spoke. The nose is slightly sour, and my heart is full of emotion when I see the reeds at this time, although I still insist on saying some counter-words.

He did some good things, said a lot of good things, and finally leaned over and whispered a few words in the ear of the uncle next to me, and the uncle temporarily switched places with him, and when he left, he looked at me with a smile and winked at him and said, "Come on, young man!" "I immediately guessed what he had said, and my cheeks heated, and he sat down next to me.

"You don't even ask me where I'm going by train?!"

"What is there to ask, go wherever you want."

Reed took out a box of Xuanmai chewing gum from his pocket, watermelon-flavored, and asked me if I wanted it, I shook my head, and he chewed loudly on the side.

"I was going to look for you at your school, but I happened to meet you here!"

"Really?" Although I didn't believe his words, I was still taken aback, and the tail note was raised a little high.

"Hey, hey, fake." He smirked at me, and if it weren't for the crowds on the train, I would have wanted to beat him up, but my heart did relax.

"I knew how you might come to me."

"What I just said was false."

"Which one?"

"Previous."

"Is it really fake?"

"Guess?"

"Get back to your seat!"

"You see you're angry again."

"Where do I have? You're here to influence me to read novels. ”

"Okay, okay, I'm taking a leave of absence. I plan to go to Shanghai to look for a job. ”

"Hmm."

"Don't you ask me why?" Reed's tone suddenly became low, and he turned his head to look out the car window, and followed his gaze, and in the distance was a large area of orange-red sunset, which became heavier and heavier at the edges, and gradually turned into a deep purple at the junction with the endless green hills, and the edges were slightly blue-black, and the nearby scenery shone brightly, covered with a golden veil of light by the soft glow.

The train passed through one short tunnel after another, and the face of the reed flickered and darkened, and I suddenly wanted to touch his head.

"No need to ask. What's the use of knowing? It doesn't change the fact that you've already decided. Besides, I respect all your decisions, anyway, there is more than one path in life, how you want to go is your own business, what do you have to do with others, what do you have to do with me? ”

The reed turned his head and smiled at me again, laughing so that the corners of his eyes were full of folds, but I couldn't bear to see him smile like that, and looked away from him.

The middle-aged man on the opposite side was a little bald, he fell asleep leaning against the window without taking off his glasses, the frame of his glasses was a little slipped, and he looked slightly funny, but he tightly protected the brown leather backpack that was a little peeling on his chest; The young man sitting next to him looked to be in his early twenties, wearing a floral shirt and a silver earring in his right ear, and was holding his head with his hand, looking listlessly out of the window; A couple sat diagonally opposite, two bottles of centenarian mountain were placed on the narrow table in front of them, and a few packs of unsealed snacks, the man was playing a game, his expression was a little nervous, his brows were tightly locked, the woman was leaning on the man's shoulder, watching TV with headphones, and his face was full of boredom; I don't know who is eating instant noodles, the whole carriage is filled with the smell of Laotan sauerkraut, and from time to time there is the sound of train horns, which is particularly harsh, mixed with the sound of swallowing melon seeds, the crying of children, the speech of adults, and the sound of someone's mobile phone playing a variety show outside.

There were people dangling in the narrow aisles, and someone inadvertently rubbing my shoulder.

"I haven't seen you for a few months, and you've gained a lot of weight."

I punched the reed in the arm, "Let you talk nonsense!" ”

"If you are fat, you have to eat well, and if you are too fat to find a marriage partner in the future, I will reluctantly accept you to fill the house."

"Don't worry, even if the world collapses and I become a ball, I won't be wronged to marry you."

"How is your dad doing?"

Fortunately, the last chemotherapy treatment was over recently, and the doctor advised him to go home and recuperate. Where's your mom, how's it going? ”

"Okay, I'll be soaking in the mahjong hall all day."

"Keep your hair long, it should look good."

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

When the reed is around, the journey is no longer long, the train is clattering, and it will arrive at the station in a short time. When I was packing up my things and getting out of the car, Weizi grabbed my arm and asked me why I was so desperate not to look at him twice, maybe I wouldn't meet him again in the future, I beat his arm off fiercely and said, "The rivers and lakes are far away, and my brother is gone." ”

I got off the train and stood there for a long time, watching him sit in front of the window and wave to me, until the train started and gradually disappeared from view, I couldn't help but redden, regretting that I didn't say a good word to the reed.

Pulling the suitcase and preparing to leave the station, I received a WeChat message from Weizi:

"I was going to leave in a few days, but when I saw that your circle of friends knew that you were going back to school today, I immediately packed my things and bought tickets. I was lucky to see you after only six carriages. Thank you for showing up, really thank you.

If you go to Shanghai alone, the future is bleak.

If I make a lot of money later, if you don't like that person anymore.

I hope you are stronger, the future will always be better, trust me, believe in yourself. ”

I endured it all the time, and walked to the bus stop sign with a blank face before finally squatting on the ground and crying.

I can't imagine how reed felt when he searched for the train from my house to school, or how he was worried when he heard that the train radio station was in my small town, and how he was looking for me from one carriage to another, and the sincerity hidden in his jokes, he kept pretending not to know that he liked me, not because he was not good enough, but because I felt so inferior that I didn't think I was worthy.

I don't know the person Weizi, but I know some things about his family from his story, and he doesn't know anything about my family except for my dad's illness, he doesn't know that I also have a younger brother who has suffered from osteosarcoma and ruined the family, he doesn't know that I have a superstitious mother, and he doesn't know that he likes a girl with a "dead spirit" who killed many relatives. He doesn't know, he doesn't know, if he knows this, will he continue to like me? I'm not sure, but I know I can't hurt him, this home is like a whirlpool of pain, and anyone who gets close to it gets into trouble.

Last night, my father was discharged from the hospital, and my mother invited a "master" to come to the house to practice, saying that the Tao is very high, and he has cast the law for many people, which is particularly effective. Dad didn't know whether he was accustomed to his mother's behavior or gradually believed that there were really evil things in this world, and he didn't say anything against it. The tall man in his sixties, wearing a black square hat and a yellow robe, walked around the house and found it funny, and hid in his room and closed the door, but my mother came and knocked on the door, and asked me to go out and stand by and watch the ceremony. I saw that the man lit three red candles in the living room, took a few "town charms", pasted a few on the wall of the house, lit three yellow charms and a pile of yellow paper, said some muttering words that people couldn't understand, and finally looked at me deeply, whispered a few words in my mother's ear, and then went to the bathroom to change his outfit, accepted the 500 yuan red envelope that my mother stuffed him and left.

After the master left, my parents discussed with me and asked me to pack up all my things at home and take them back to school.

"Why?"

"The master said, the death in your body is too heavy, your father's body is weak, now I am afraid that I can't bear any bit of death in your body, and your brother's illness has been delayed for so long, and I can finally take the college entrance examination this year, you should be this family, pack up your things and go back to school, and ...... for the time being. Don't come back. ”

I stood up, took a drink out of the fridge, and drank half a bottle of coo-dong, trying in vain to suppress the anger and grievances in my heart.

Mom and Dad sat on the sofa, looking slightly cramped.

It's kind of funny that my father, who used to be so strict, is now silent in front of my mom and me like a schoolboy who has just entered the school. The last time I accompanied him to the hospital, I thought our relationship had eased somewhat, but I was still naïve.

My mother looked very arrogant on her face, but she was actually timid in her heart, her eyes fluttered, and she didn't dare to look at me.

"So you'd rather take a liar's word and kick your own daughter out of the house?"

There should never be any expectation of anyone in this family.

"Don't say anything disrespectful to the superior! Where are you going to kick you out, you have to live in the school anyway......" Mom's voice became quieter and quieter, and I could barely hear the last word.

"Am I your own? Is that fair to me? ”

I sat back down on the couch next to them with a dead face, just looking for an answer.

"If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have given birth to you."

"Why? It's really like the saying goes, it's me...... Did it hurt everyone? ”

I don't look at them, I keep scrolling through Weibo with my head down, do you know the heart-to-heart pain when I go to the hospital for a routine blood test? My mother's words were like needles, poking directly at my heart one by one, bleeding, pain, and finally numbness.

"We have to believe it."

"Give me living expenses."

"It's already like this at home, do you think we still have it on hand?"

"Oh, then pack up tomorrow morning and leave in the afternoon."

I stood up, intending to go back to the room, step by step to step on the burning ashes of the yellow fu under my feet, but suddenly thought of something, "What about the seven days of the National Day, are you sure that you won't let me see my brother?" ”

"No, he's fine."

Weakness in my limbs, I dragged my heavy suitcase back to the dormitory at ten o'clock in the evening, and when I opened the door, the big guys were there, and when they saw my swollen eyes, they came up to me and asked me what was going on, I laughed and joked that I had pink eye, but don't get close to me easily. As a result, everyone came up and wrapped me in the middle.

"Then let's red eyes together!"

Liang Shan said so boldly that he hugged me so tightly that he almost couldn't breathe.

I especially remember that I didn't dare to get close to people when school started, Yunyun and Wang Xiao tried their best to get the four of us together, and they were timid, and I told them about the situation at home at night, thinking that they would be afraid and alienate me, but I didn't expect that even Liang Shan, who has always been silent, and Liang Shan, who has always been disgusted with the four of them, came to comfort me and said that it was feudal superstition. At that time, I asked them if they were not afraid of being implicated, but they said that if they wanted to die, they should die together! Tonight they said the same thing to me, and I started crying again, along with the grievances I received at home, the guilt of the reeds, and the touching of everyone.

I don't understand why roommates who are not related by blood are so good to me, but my biological parents are so indifferent to me, I thought that our relationship would improve when I accompanied my father to the provincial hospital to see a doctor, but I didn't think that they even counted my father's illness on my head, one point funny, two points helpless, three points of grievance, four points of despair.

Some thoughts, some concepts are deep-rooted, especially I, as a "scourge" in their eyes, can't say one, two, three.

Why is it so tiring to live and why.

It doesn't make sense to close your eyes today and expect not to wake up tomorrow morning.

I want to die, I want to die.

However, I hope that Weizi will be fine in Shanghai alone, that my roommates will be safe and happy every day, and that I will not see the sun tomorrow.

I hope Huo Heng can always be happy.

Good night, tomorrow, tomorrow will be fine.