1. A messy life

Wednesday, 25 October 2017 Sunny

Finally have time to sit down and write in a journal. Think about how many days I haven't put pen to paper.

Today is the day of salary, when the mobile phone text message received 788.5 yuan on the CCB card, I turned over while lying on the bed, and breathed a long sigh of relief, I can go out at noon to buy a box of facial masks to treat myself, and the 300 yuan borrowed from Liang Shan can finally be repaid.

A few days ago, on the way to get off work, I happened to meet a few workers and aunts planting flowers in the flower beds on the side of the road, small and short plants, but blooming clusters of golden flowers, very luxuriant, I don't know the name of the flower, but I like it very much, I went up and smelled it, with some pungent smell, it is not very good, but I just like it inexplicably, I can't help but look at it again. After that, I talked to the aunt, we talked about her job, her two sons and the little daughter who eloped with someone without a fight, and finally the aunt saw that I liked this flower very much, and gave me two, and I thanked them again and again and brought them back and planted them on the balcony. Probably due to the recent colder weather, they are not growing well and are gradually drying up.

It's about ten o'clock in the morning, the weather is fine, the sun is shining on the two pots of small flowers placed on the balcony, my mood is a little more relaxed, obviously I haven't done anything, but I just feel that many things have hope again.

The store manager gave me an afternoon shift, and I could just sleep in.

Looking back, I think it's really tiring to work in a fast food restaurant these days.

Eight dollars an hour, eight hours a day, and occasionally overtime.

After becoming proficient, it is frequent overtime, and part of it is obligatory.

Recalling the first day of formal cashier at the front desk, I felt good, but in the evening when I took inventory, there was a mistake, and the takeaway was 97 yuan more, but the cash was less than the same amount. So far, I feel that I have become proficient in the operation of the whole system, but when I think about what happened at the beginning, I still don't know what part went wrong. I only knew that I was wronged at the time, and followed the store manager to check the accounts until the early hours of the morning, only to realize that the dormitory had been locked after the end, so I had no choice but to spend one night in the store. Fortunately, there is air conditioning in the store, and the store manager allows me to turn on the lights all night, but I am not allowed to turn on the lights, it doesn't matter to me whether the lights are on or not, as long as I lie on the couch and don't feel very cold.

I was bold enough not to feel scared alone in an empty store.

The door of the store is made of tempered glass, and the street lamps on the opposite road clearly shine in, reflecting the two trees in front of the store on the wall to form a dappled shadow, the square poster glued to the ceiling occasionally moves, and the tables and chairs in the store are all in a black mess. It was so quiet that there wasn't even a single car on the road. I really couldn't sleep at that time, the long night, a lot of fantasy characters in my mind all jumped out to talk to me, first of all, my grandmother, I fantasized that she was in front of me, I asked her if the sky was cold, the days of being stars would be very boring, she said to me, how can it, grandpa is by her side, the two of them sit and chat when they have nothing to do, and occasionally stand together on the edge of the galaxy to blow the wind, the days are simple and simple. After chatting for a while, my grandmother was going back, and I was lonely here, but fortunately, I was relieved. After that, it was Sakura who came, Sakura, who could do magic in "Sakura-chan Magic Card", and Nezha, who was noisy in the East China Sea, and we talked for a while, and finally they couldn't hold on and went home to sleep. But I was still full of energy, and then I remembered Huo Heng, opened WeChat, flipped through his circle of friends back and forth, and wanted to edit a long WeChat for him, telling him all the stories I had since I was a child, but in the end, I deleted all of them, who is he, he is no one. What am I? What am I in his eyes? Maybe he doesn't remember who I am, right? Just like that, time passed little by little, and finally waited until the sky turned from dark to blue and finally turned white, until a faint light spilled in, I got up and walked back to the dormitory to take a nap.

As a result, when I went to the cashier at night the next day, I made another mistake and lost 20 yuan in cash, so I silently paid out of my own pocket to fill the vacancy. I don't know how I was so lonely at that time, and I silently persevered with all the setbacks I encountered, but since then, I have never made any mistakes in the cashier.

Because of the part-time job, often work at night, come back to the party seriously disturb everyone's rest, although we don't say it, and don't necessarily mind in our hearts, but I don't want to go, I don't want to add unnecessary trouble to anyone because of my own private affairs. Moreover, I am a shallow person, and when I don't want to get up in the morning because I am too tired to work, I will be woken up by the sound of everyone washing. So after thinking about it, I moved out of the school dormitory and moved into the staff dormitory.

The staff dormitory is in the most remote narrow alley at the south gate of the school, there is no street lamp, the rent of 300 yuan per month, the conditions are very poor, there is an air conditioner but not heating, the toilet has to be flushed by manually filling a basin of water, the key is that four of the three sets of high and low beds placed in the small room of seven or eight square meters are broken.

I was the first employee to move in.

I'm not afraid to live alone, but I work too late at night, often busy until the early hours of the morning, and it's almost one or two o'clock when I return to the dormitory to wash up.

Fortunately, the part-time job is only temporary, and I don't plan to toss myself like this for many years.

By the way, the last time I went to a nearby Internet café with my colleague for supper because of late work, I saw his two cats, one big and one small, with white and brown spots, and I also wanted to raise one, so that I had expectations for the cold house at night, and it would also come into my arms when it was cold at night, and we could warm each other. However, the store manager did not allow me to have pets in the dormitory, so I was cut off from all my thoughts.

In fact, I am also very hesitant, having a cat is responsible for it, and it will always be responsible. But here's the problem, I haven't had a cat, everything is my fantasy, and I can't foresee the gap between the ideal and the reality, so I'm not sure if I can really be responsible for it, in case I'm just on a whim, and I abandon it for a while, so it's too unfair to it.

Is someone like me qualified to get a cat? Doubt yourself deeply.

Today's diary is endless, I don't know what I'm talking about at all, maybe it's because I haven't talked to anyone for too long, so I have such a great desire to talk and have the interest to talk about so many things.

I used to think that I was a very lonely person, reading books in the library and staying motionless all day, but now I think about it is really pediatrics, after moving out of the school dormitory, I found that I am really afraid of loneliness, and when I am alone, I always have to make a lot of movement, and I am afraid that the echo of loneliness is too loud, and it is deafening.

Commuting to work alone, eating alone, sleeping alone.

Sometimes I think about why I want to push myself like this, why I have to live this life, but if I don't, how am I going to live? When I came out of the house, I didn't seem to have anything. It seemed like all of a sudden I was going to start supporting myself. At the beginning, I was full of ambition, isn't it just to support myself, what can be difficult? When I actually went to earn money, I realized that it was such a difficult thing to make money, or maybe it was just that I was too incapable to make it so difficult.

It is true that the bar exam has not been taken, as expected. I was 14 points away from the passing line, and my classmates felt sorry for me, but I didn't seem to be touched at all. I don't want to engage in this industry, I often feel boring and boring when facing the legal provisions, so it is not much difficulty to give it up, there are thousands of paths in life, maybe this road does not work, I still have a lot of ways to choose. It's just that I don't have any plans for the future, I just want to graduate safely and securely at the moment, maybe it's blind optimism, three hundred and sixty lines, there will always be areas I am good at.

Recently, I received a hint from a colleague that another colleague in the store liked me and asked me to consider checking it out. That colleague is a white and tender young man, let's call him Xiao Zhao for the time being, Xiao Zhao is not yet an adult, only seventeen this year, two years younger than me, the height is not fully developed, and the family background is quite miserable, living with his elderly grandfather, he dropped out of school early to work. After a long time, I could indeed feel that he secretly liked it, but I couldn't respond, and I didn't know how to refuse so as not to lose his dignity.

I am a pessimistic person, I can't imagine the picture of falling in love with others, and I can't imagine what kind of person can stay with me for life, and even I have the idea of being lonely for a lifetime early. Xiao Zhao is very good, but he is still young and needs to be taken care of by others, and he has not yet realized that we are the same kind of people, with the same desire for light and heat, and the same inferiority complex and sensitivity in the face of the people he likes. He didn't understand that a chilly person like me couldn't give him any of the warmth he wanted.

There is only one end for two people who are equally cold to warm each other, and they both freeze to death.

He still doesn't understand that in the future of his life, he will meet all kinds of women, and no matter who he is with, that person is better than me.

I'm a terrible person.

Everyone seems to only see me on the surface, but they don't notice my heart, which is actually a lonely and ugly monster inside.

Tomorrow will be fine, tomorrow will not.

Again:

It's 12:30 a.m., and I've just come back from work, so it stands to reason that it should be written on the 21st, but I'm too lazy, so let's go on like this!

I received a call from my mother at six o'clock this evening, and she complained that I didn't call home and didn't care about my dad and brother. He also said that my father's illness was serious again, and the two courses of chemotherapy in the county hospital recently did not have any effect at all, and the condition was always controlled during the chemotherapy in the hospital, but as soon as he returned home, the indicators of his body became abnormal again. The doctor advised us to go to the provincial hospital to have a look, maybe there was a better medicine there to control the condition. Mom meant to let me go with my dad, I don't have any opinion, what can I say? I don't dare to have any opinions.

Let me go, I'll go.

I was busy working part-time all day, and I forgot to call home and didn't want to call, so what should I say? Who wants to answer my call? Now the first call I received from home was to tell me such news, and I felt bad in my heart. After hanging up the phone, I no longer had the heart to go to work, the whole person spent in a trance, the customer ordered the wrong meal several times, and was scolded by the store manager three or four times, but my heart seemed to be insensitive, and I lost any consciousness. Looking at the store manager's face full of anger, I looked like an outsider, and I could only see her hideous face and her mouth when she counted me together, as if the person who was scolded was not me at all.

In the evening, I told the store manager about taking a week or two off from tomorrow, and she had no choice but to grant me leave.

Today I was busy until this point in time to come back, I don't know why the grievances in my heart are difficult to suppress, lying on the pillow and crying for a long time, I really don't know what to do, my heart is at a loss! Why can life fall into such a situation, life, life, you tell me, how many hardships are waiting for me ahead? Grandma, grandma, can you show up and take me? I really don't know what to do!

Why am I so depressed, my future, do I still have a future?

It's almost impossible to hold on.

Suffocated by a choked throat.

A box of cigarettes, a day gone.