1. The fall of Ryoko

Tuesday, August 8, 2017 Rain

It rained a lot of rain that fell intermittently all day.

I really can't read books at night, so I walk back and forth around the campus with an umbrella and headphones. It's summer, even if it's raining, every pore on my body is still sweaty, wearing slippers, stepping around in small puddles, and the cracks of my feet are wet and sticky rainwater, a little disgusting and surprisingly pleasant.

After the rain, the streets are foggy with moisture, like light yarn, and like the nude stockings of a drunken frivolous woman in the middle of the night. The rain-soaked green foliage shimmered reflectively in the gentle light of the streetlights, while those that were not in the dark were so silently and oppressively hidden in the dark. It seems that everyone is in a hurry, only they are pacing slowly, wondering who is out of step with the world in front of them. The headphones are all playing Jay Chou's songs, I was once obsessed, but then I didn't listen to it, and recently I listened to it again, and every song and every sentence can really be sung into my heart.

Turn on the phone, there is no message from anyone, fingertips slide back and forth on the address book with more than 30 contacts, who should I talk to to release the suppressed emotions in my heart, I didn't find a suitable person after a few times, in fact, it is not that such a person does not exist, but I thought about it, what is this kind of loneliness that has nowhere to distribute, which adjectives should be used to describe it, which words blurt out and don't look like moaning without disease, these messy thoughts are blocked together, I feel that it is too hypocritical to talk to others. Click on the QQ space, want to post a dynamic, but the fingertips are fixed in the editing bar, what to say, ask yourself who you want to see, it's really frustrating, decisively put away the phone, and put it in your pocket safely.

I originally wanted to go home for the summer vacation to take care of my father's chemotherapy, but I have been preparing for the bar exam for so long, and my mother has great expectations for me, and I want to give up but I have to go hard. To be honest, I don't have any confidence in the judicial exam, not only the review situation, but also my skeptical attitude towards applying for the exam, too much but it seems to be the difference between a certificate, I don't like this industry, so even if I pass the exam and can't pass the exam, what's the difference? It was not my voluntary choice to study law, but I didn't do well in the college entrance examination that year, and I was transferred, although I was disgruntled at the time, but I was at ease when I came, and I barely convinced myself that maybe I would like it after contact. However, I spent three years to prove that I really didn't like this major, I had no passion, no vision, and I didn't know what I thought at the time.

After all, I can't review it at all, and when I calm down, I will think of my father's illness in my head, think of this family that is close to breaking, often with tears in my eyes, and sometimes I can't help but break down and cry, and when I see the dense legal provisions, I will start to get confused, and my head will be messy like a typhoon transiting.

When I was washing, I didn't dare to look up at myself in the mirror, for fear of seeing the strangeness I had never expected, for fear of seeing the ugly and unbearable faces of the people in the mirror.

I started smoking, and I often bought the Jiaozi X, a women's cigarette with a light orange aroma, which is more slender and soft than ordinary cigarettes, and has a more refreshing and delicate taste, and is less choking.

In fact, there is a sense of guilt when a person hides in a corner and secretly smokes, but if I don't smoke, it will itch, and the anxiety cannot be properly managed. To smoke or not to smoke, the soul will not get the slightest comfort but have to endure torment, in this way, on the contrary, I have compromised myself, and the guilt in my heart bows to the anxiety. But I don't smoke it in the dormitory very often, for fear that my roommates will find out and have a bad impact. The last time I couldn't help it, just extinguished the cigarette butt, just opened the window to let the air circulate to dilute the smell of smoke in the room, Xiaoxiao came back, asked me if I burned something in the room, I said that I couldn't find scissors and burned a lighter on the edge of my pants, so I fooled the simple-minded Xiaoxiao, if it was Yunyun and Shanshan, I was afraid that my little secret would not be able to hold it.

Smokers say that cigarettes are a good thing, can dispel people's boundless loneliness, so I thought about buying it to give it a try, especially remember the first time I went to the supermarket counter to buy cigarettes, I was a little afraid of being recognized by acquaintances, so I wore a black cap, through the glass counter to look at the full eyes of cigarettes a little helpless, so nervous that I don't even know where to put my hand, I don't know which one to choose, and finally my eyes are fixed on a fresh appearance of the petite, with her head down, the saleswoman lipstick is crimson, and she glanced at me, Not surprisingly, I paid the bill, she threw the cigarette on the counter, I put it in my bag in a panic and left in a hurry. When I returned to the dormitory like a thief, my hands were shaking when I lit a cigarette with a lighter, scared, nervous, but I felt unexpectedly indulgent, a kind of freedom that caused the psychological defense to collapse due to self-depravity. When I took the first puff of cigarettes, I felt that the smoke entered the trachea of the lungs, and I coughed for a long time, how to describe the feeling of the smoke staying in the mouth, bitter, numb, nausea, and the aftertaste was also bitter and astringent when I spit it out, but when I watched the smoke that came out of my mouth slowly dissipate in front of my eyes, I felt a little bit of calm when I was slow to play in my heart. Slowly began to get used to it and even became addicted, and when I went to the counter to buy cigarettes, I was nervous at the beginning to now calm and calm, broken cans, who can tell me, how bad can life be when TMD is like this?

I don't know how to describe my current state, but apart from smoking, I slowly began to overeat. The first time was three days in the dormitory, during which time I drank only water and did not eat anything to satisfy my stomach. On the third night, I went to the supermarket and bought a bunch of snacks, two boxes of Oreo cookies, a pack of salt-and-pepper steamed buns, a red bean bread, a bag of old yogurt, a ham and a braised egg, and when I bought it back and climbed the stairs, my feet were empty, and when I opened the door and stood still in the dormitory, I felt that my eyes were black, the whole world was spinning and shaking, I had difficulty breathing, I couldn't lift my breath, and I was paralyzed on my bed like that. After a break, I turned on my phone and started watching the recent variety show "Run, Brother", what games were everyone playing in that episode, what jokes were they playing, what were they doing I had no impression at all, I just remembered that I kept eating, eating, eating a bite of biscuits, eating a mouthful of bread, and then swallowing a mouthful of bread, drinking yogurt when I choked, and after gobbling it up, I felt that my stomach was infinitely swollen, and there were all kinds of disgusting tastes in my mouth, I wanted to vomit, and ran to the bathroom to retch, I raised my left hand, my index finger and middle finger continued to explore the depths of my throat, until I touched the little tongue, the nausea came one after another, and the whole chest trembled, once or twice I couldn't spit it out, my fingers kept touching the little tongue deeply, until the last time, I felt all the food residues that had been chewed from the stomach back down the esophagus back to the mouth, and were spit out one by one, Snot and tears also flowed out, and after vomiting, I felt a little refreshed, washed my face, looked up at myself in the mirror, my eyes were red and shining. Since I had that vomiting experience, I began to be hungry or overeaten, sometimes a whole day, only eat one bun, sometimes I can eat two bowls of rice in one meal, after a long time, I feel that the bones on my body are becoming more and more obvious, my chest is getting flatter and flatter, my face has become sallow, obviously I have short shoulder-length hair, and every time I wash my hair, I can always drop a pot of black pressure, sometimes I think that at this rate, I will not be able to lose baldness in less than two months.

Slowly pacing back to the dormitory, opening the door and it was pitch black, probably still in the classroom reviewing homework. I didn't turn on the lights, and the faint light projected through the window walked around the dormitory, and I didn't want to stay alone in the dormitory, so I closed the door and climbed to the rooftop, sat at the staircase with an umbrella and looked at the thousands of lights lit up in the windows of the residential buildings in the distance, watched the rain falling from the sky, what else could I see, and looked at the dark night sky beyond that.

Sometimes I wonder, why do people live? Every day is so constantly repeated, what is the value and meaning of me being like this? I will have insomnia when I sleep, I will not have the desire to enjoy delicious food when I see food, I will live every day like this, I will not be full of expectations for the next day when I wake up in the morning, on the contrary, I will only have boundless boredom and fear in my mind, so where is the end of my life? I can't afford to support myself to live, my father is seriously ill, so is my brother, my mother has to work between the two, and I have to continue to go to school, and when I graduate, the burden of this family will completely fall on my shoulders, and I even feel that this family is now so heavy that I can't breathe. But why, why did you choose to let me bear it alone, if I had been favored by everyone like my younger brother since I was a child, maybe my current psychology would not be so unbalanced, but this is not the case, I still have to shoulder this burden, as a son of man, I am duty-bound, should I accept my fate, if this is the way God insists on letting me go.

When the mind is negative, we will think about what we are still living, and it is good for the family to die hand in hand, so that everyone will not suffer in this world again. I couldn't find the answer to why I had to live, I didn't understand what it was that made my parents struggle to survive, but if it were me, I wouldn't have to change at all, and I was thinking about jumping from this tall building to find relief. If it were someone else, what would they do? I think most people will work hard, work hard, be a strong man, and carry all the burdens on one shoulder, but I, I seem to be more and more decadent and negative, indeed, my temperament is particularly cowardly, the first thing I think of when I encounter things is to blindly escape and retreat, thinking, ah, it is better to die together tomorrow on the end of the world, or wake up, nothing has happened I still snuggle in my grandmother's arms, let her pat my back with those rough palms, or let me sleep for a long time, I can't wake up.

Look at everyone around you as if they are happily alive, and they all have spiritual pillars in their hearts, right? But I look at myself like a walking corpse, without a goal, without a life, without a soul.

I feel like I'm depressed.

Open WeChat, click on the circle of friends, and share any type of content, the first one is that the classmates complained about the shredded meat noodles in the canteen and complained that there was no meat in them, and they liked it; The second is that a high school classmate went to school in Taiwan to promote cosmetics, clicked on her WeChat avatar, and set it not to look at her circle of friends; The third is an article reprinted and shared by my aunt, similar to the fake model and fake chicken soup health article like these things in summer, I shook my head helplessly, and slid over to browse the next one; The fourth is a song "Red Dust Love Song" sung by my cousin on the national K song, which was shared to the circle of friends and asked for praise and flowers...... Fingers slid quickly, kept boring scrolling down, unexpectedly slipped to the doctor's sharing, no copywriting, just a picture, the picture is him holding his son's back, under the sunset, even their shadows are golden, staring at this photo for a long time, it should have been taken by his wife, so he can shoot such a warm and loving work. I am really envious that he can have such a happy family. I'm happy for him from the bottom of my heart.

I was envious, but I never dared to imagine when I could have such ordinary happiness, I believed in the love of others, I believed that the prince and princess in the fairy tale would have a happy ending, but I never dared to believe that I would be cherished like life. I always feel that I am alone, there is no one to rely on, and no one is willing to rely on myself.

"Ryoko, where have you been?"

"On the rooftop."

"Oh, I'm still thinking about where you went at night, it's ten o'clock, and it's still raining, come down and wash and sleep."

"Okay, I'll go down now."

I can hear the concern in Liang Shan's words, is he worried that I won't be able to do something stupid? Maybe so. The first person I confided in when something like this happened was Liang Shan, and it was strange that when I talked to her about it, I was unexpectedly calm, as if such a thing had happened to someone else. Liang Shan didn't comfort me anything, pulled me to the barbecue stall at the west gate of the school to drink a case of snow beer, and then I watched her cry bitterly, as if such a tragic thing happened to her, in fact, she cried while shouting the names of her grandmother and No. 8 indiscriminately, I know it, but the things that should not be remembered should be treated as if nothing can be remembered, all the emotional entanglements are nothing more than too careful, so I know very well the pain in my heart that has been torn, the past twenty years of neglect, Until something happens in the family, it will be regarded as an indispensable existence, but it is strange, even so, there is finally an illusion of being valued, it turns out that all that has been rooted in the heart for so many years is the desire for love and the search for love.

That was the first time I got drunk, and the wine I poured into my mouth no longer tasted anything, and then I vomited and wanted to continue drinking, until the heavens and the earth were wasted, the old sea was dry, the world was rotten, everyone was displaced, and my wife was separated, and I was completely unconscious. But it feels so good to drink, let the alcohol eat away at my consciousness little by little, and slowly the whole person begins to get excited, and the world in front of me is getting more and more shaky, but I feel more and more free.

After getting drunk, I can obviously feel that Liang Shan cares more about me, but I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be sympathized and pitied, so I always go out alone or simply stay in the dormitory. Liang Shan doesn't force me to do anything, and if I refuse, I won't be reluctant anymore.

But I still thank Liang Shan from the bottom of my heart, I know that she is sincere to me. Even the closest friend can't fully empathize, but I know that she is always waiting, waiting for me to be vulnerable, to borrow a shoulder to lean on me, and that's what I think, because of her presence, I feel a little kindness from this world.

Good night. Will tomorrow be fine.