1. First acquaintance

Tuesday, May 2, 2017 Fine

The wind on the 16th floor of the hospital is a bit strong, and in the early May season, wearing a shirt over a woolen vest on the windowsill will be a little cold.

But I like this place, high enough to look far, far away, to see the sky darken little by little and then be arched by the darkness to belong to the prosperity of the city, the lights are on, the lights are red and green, much more dazzling than the stars in the clear night sky of the small county town. But when I was a child, how did my longing and longing for the big city turn into loneliness and helplessness that was incompatible with the prosperity of the city, and was blown so big by the high night wind?

Isn't it thanks to the strong wind, the tears were just about to escape from the eye sockets and were dried by the evening breeze, evaporated and dissipated, and finally disappeared.

It's a great place to release your emotions.

I haven't had time to write a diary, but today I finally have free time. I haven't taken a shower and washed my hair for several days, and I only rinsed my face with water every day, feeling that I am emitting a kind of rotten gas from the inside out, and my hair still has the smell of disinfectant water unique to the hospital. I'm such an idiot, it's all at this time, I can still make fun of myself and giggle.

From the day before yesterday to my father's hospitalization to the present, we only saw the expert once when we registered for consultation, and we were sent to the hospital in three or two sentences. After handling the hospitalization, I saw my father's attending doctor, who was a thin and small person, with a baby face, but his eyes were big, I heard that his surname was Huo, and everyone called him Dr. Huo.

Dr. Huo would come over during the routine ward rounds every day, but he would repeat the same words to us with a smile: "How is it today, does the lump hurt?" ”

"It doesn't hurt much, thank you doctor for your concern, it's just that we've been here for a few days, when do you think this treatment will start?"

"Don't rush to use medicine, we have to check out what the source of the disease is in order to make a targeted treatment plan, it is important to maintain a good mood! Be optimistic, it's okay to communicate with patients, diseases like yours are very common here, and they are not a serious illness......"

Listening to him talk to his dad about similar conversations every day, it feels like useless nonsense. I'm irritable.,The impression of him is very bad.。

But occasionally he would come up to me and ask me a sentence or two, where to study, what major to study, etc., and I had to make an enthusiastic look to answer them one by one, this kind of feeling of acting on the spot is really uncomfortable, I hate him, because he doesn't know, for patients and their families who have not yet been diagnosed, waiting is like being delayed, and the longer it drags on, the more painful it becomes.

This is followed by a series of tests, blood draws, urine tests, electrocardiograms, CT scans, biopsies...... There were very few tests done yesterday and today, yesterday it was a urine test and a blood routine, and this afternoon I went to take a film. The east campus of the Provincial Hospital is too big, and I have to go to the 2nd basement floor of another building to make a film, and my father and I are at a loss, without any sense of direction, and we have been going around underground for a long time to find the right place. After a simple registration at the registration office, I followed the road signs to enter, only to find that there were a total of six examination rooms, and there were long queues at the entrance of each examination room, and there were all kinds of people who came to do the examination, such as an old man on crutches, a young man in a plaster, a child in a wheelchair, and a person who was pushed over for an emergency examination covered in blood.

When we went in for the examination, the patient needed to wrap his feet in a plastic sleeve, and we forgot to take them, so I hurriedly returned to the registration office and got two of them, and squatted down to put them on for my dad to save time.

"I'll do it."

Dad showed a look of embarrassment on his face, and hurriedly bent down, grabbed the white elastic band of the sleeve with his big palm, and said that he wanted to wear it himself.

"I'll do it anyway."

I brushed his hand and continued to move while thinking about why I had always hated him, and why I didn't feel that the man in front of me would be vulnerable until this time.

When his father's name was called on the radio, he habitually coughed dryly twice after suffering from pharyngitis all the year round, stood up, dusted off the wrinkles on the white and blue hospital gown, and still walked forward slowly, and when he was about to walk into the examination room, he suddenly turned his head and said to me: "Just stay outside and don't run around, this hospital is very big, don't get lost, Dad can't find you." ”

"Hmm."

I nodded heavily, knowing that he was afraid, and in this strange and terrifying city, I who had not lived in his eyes for the past twenty years, was his only reliance at this moment. Watching the automatic door of the examination room slowly close, I suddenly felt a sense of sadness, and tears began to roll again, but it was just to do an ordinary examination, why did it seem like life and death. Looking up at the long corridor and the people waiting in various postures, the light is very soft, not dazzling at all, but the heart feels wrapped in boundless blank layers, what is a person living in this life. At least I don't know. I feel like a spinning top spinning in the dark, but I don't know why.

The doctor arranged for my father to have a biopsy tomorrow, and I heard that a small part of the lump in his neck was cut off for a detailed examination, but I didn't know the specifics. The rest of our free time is spent watching TV or chatting with fellow patients in the same ward. In the same ward was a 57-year-old man, surnamed Zhang, from Xinyang, a patient with bowel cancer, with rough and dark skin, a mouthful of yellow teeth when he spoke, and his hair was not as sparse and yellow as that of ordinary chemotherapy patients, but a little black and shiny. He came two weeks before us and was very welcoming, and soon after we entered the door, he shouted "Sick Friend" and held up a stainless steel basin with grapes on the table for us to eat. He is already taking medicine for chemotherapy, he is very optimistic, and he has shared a lot of anti-cancer experience with us. Watching him and his father chatting word by word, I began to be surprised, how could the friendship between men develop so quickly, after the two of them understood each other's condition, you and I became extremely warm. Maybe it's the mutual pity between the two cancer patients, watching a TV news and discussing some national policies, urban development, etc., and sometimes going back to the roots, recalling the unique marks of their youth era. Whenever the two of us were chatting, I always had to secretly breathe a sigh of relief, at least to avoid the embarrassing situation of me and my father being speechless. I am very grateful to Uncle Zhang, when he chatted with my father, I actually had the feeling that my father had forgotten the pain for a while.

The food in the hospital cafeteria was not very good, and my father said it was okay, but I was not used to it. At noon today, he ate a bowl of dumplings, stuffed with pork and green onions, twelve yuan, but it was a little overcooked, and one or two dumplings had been boiled, leaving only a white dumpling skin. I ordered a bowl of cold skin, eight pieces. The taste is stiff, there is no taste, I put down the chopsticks before I finished eating, my father did not say anything but looked up with a stiff face and glanced at me, but I was habitually afraid, and picked up the chopsticks and swallowed it in a big gulp without chewing, and after eating, I felt like I had swallowed two catties of boulders. Some annoyed but didn't dare to show it, he was always like this, he never understood other people's feelings, he was still authoritarian and arrogant when he was sick, and I wanted to skip dinner in a huff.

When it was time for dinner, my father said apologetically that he was not hungry and didn't want to eat, and smiled and asked me if he could save the meal. The anger in my heart had long since subsided, and I knew that he had stumbled through the biopsy bill I had kept in a drawer in the afternoon, and was distressed that he would have to spend more money tomorrow morning. I feel very sorry for the person in front of me who has never been so gentle to me, but the money saved by skipping meals is a drop in the bucket in the face of expensive medical expenses. I also made a decision and dragged him hard, but I felt that I was acting like an adult in front of my father for the first time. We ordered a plate of vinegared shredded potatoes, two bowls of porridge, I said to buy some cakes or steamed buns, he had to say that he was not hungry, he was not allowed to buy, after brushing the meal card with the tray and turned his head to leave, there were many people to buy food by crowding, I was afraid of getting separated from him and had to follow him step by step to find a vacant position. The rice porridge is very thin, slightly layered up and down, the shredded potatoes taste pretty good, this chef's cooking skills should be good, the shredded potatoes are cut thin and long, the taste is sour and crisp, refreshing and delicious. I stirred the porridge with chopsticks and drank it all in one go. Looking up, there were really a lot of people, the tables and chairs in the cafeteria were full, and there were still many people in a long and chaotic queue, constantly pushing and squeezing forward. Uncle Zhang and his lover sat diagonally behind my father and ordered four dishes, all of which were meat and vegetables, and I thought to myself that patients with bowel cancer could still eat so freely. Retracted his eyes to look at his father, he was eating seriously with his head down, he had a lot of gray hair on his head, and he chewed it seriously when he drank porridge, as if he could eat a flower, and he didn't know that the corners of his mouth were stained with vegetable juice, so I took out a paper from my pocket and reminded him to wipe it.

When did it start, my father, who seemed to never grow old, grew so many gray hairs, and my heart was sour, so I quickly stood up and wiped away the tears that overflowed my eyes by the way.

"Where are you going?"

"Don't go anywhere, you eat slowly, I'll be back right away."

"No ......"

When I entered the noisy crowd, I couldn't hear the rest of my father's words clearly, and I waited in a long line, only bringing back a boiled egg and a vegetarian bun for my father.

"You're really getting more and more disobedient now, I said I'm not hungry, you still have to buy it. The money I worked so hard to earn was going to be wasted like this? ”

"I'm afraid you'll get hungry in the middle of the night."

"If you spend money like this, go home! You can't listen to me when you're sick, can you?! ”

"I know Dad, I promise not to do this again, you can eat quickly."

After hesitating, Dad still ate the boiled egg and the half-cold vegetarian bun.

I didn't talk to my dad very much, and when I was at home, I didn't feel embarrassed when I had my mom and brother when I didn't talk, but now it's all about our own time, and during that time, we only barely talk to each other when we go downstairs for dinner or occasionally wash a cup of fruit and hand him a cup of hot water. Naturally, in the only three words we had in the whole day, we rarely talked about his condition. Now a series of examinations have not been done, in this situation of not being able to diagnose the diagnosis, the fear of the unknown condition is like a bottomless black hole, and it seems powerless and reluctant to say anything comforting, but even if I don't take the initiative to mention it, the environment we are in is constantly reminding him that he is suffering from a serious illness, and this unknown serious illness is locking his throat of life. Some hate themselves, usually talk so much in front of their friends, no matter how sad people can laugh, but now in the face of uneasy but pretending to be calm dad can't say a word, in the end, I am also afraid, afraid that he will fall, afraid that the burden of the family will fall on my shoulders from now on. Thinking back to how many times I was unconvinced, I thought that I had grown up and matured at the age of twenty-one, and could become the pillar of this family to support half of the sky, but I didn't expect that when the accident came, I was still so useless and so casual, except for crying secretly alone, I couldn't do anything.

The day at home has always been supported by parents gritting their teeth.

When I returned to the ward, it was already past ten o'clock, my father and Uncle Zhang had already rested, and Uncle Zhang's wife was lying on her side with her back to the door, as if she was playing with her mobile phone intently, and I didn't seem to alarm her when I walked in. She spread a mat and a half-sized red fleece blanket in the open space at the door, and a goose-yellow coat was tucked together as a pillow and covered with a thin quilt. However, my father and I were not very well prepared when we came, so we had to huddle together on a one-meter-wide bed in the hospital. At this time, he was lying on his side, his back was as shrunken as he could, thinking that he was afraid that I would be too crowded to leave me as much space as possible, so he choked again, and forced him to take off his shoes and go to bed to rest with tears.

Without wanting to wake him up, he raised his head with sleepy eyes and a hoarse voice, "Where did you go, why did you come back so late?" ”

I lowered my voice, "Just look at the night view outside at the entrance of the building, and look at it for a while." Go to sleep. ”

"Don't run around. This is a hospital, not a good place. You're lost, where is Dad looking for you? ”

"Don't worry, I'm not going to run around."

Yuluo's father rolled over and continued to sleep on his back.

I lay in bed but couldn't sleep for a long time, this is the second time my dad has told me today that I can't find me if I got lost or something like that, thinking about the attitude of wanting to give me away when I was born, it's a world of difference. But at this time, I still couldn't love my father, but I felt a little sorry for him.

It was tiring to lie on my side, and the right half of my body was sore, but I didn't dare to roll over for fear of waking him up again.

I thought maybe I should send a text message to my mother, but when I saw that it was already eleven o'clock at night.

It's better to force yourself to sleep, the sky won't fall.

Good night, tomorrow will be fine.