2. Change

Friday, May 5, 2017 Fine

Actually, I don't always go to the windowsill in the lobby to cry.

The hall is a semi-elliptical structure, with an elevator in the middle, and a corridor on the east side of the elevator, with several large window sills through which you can see the local appearance of the city. On the west side of the elevator are rows of seats, and there is a television on the wall that always plays CCTV news uninterruptedly, which can be used by bored patients or family members to spend time. There are always a lot of people here, most of them are family members of patients, they sit in these rows of seats during the day to play mobile phones or watch TV, and when night falls, they take out their own bunks from each ward and lay them in the open space in the hall, and when the sky is a little brighter, they will pack up the bunks again, go back to the room to take care of their relatives, and when they have nothing to do, they will come back to the seats and sit for a long time.

I'm a regular on the windowsill, and I've been here for an hour or two.

Actually, I didn't cry so much so often.

It's just that......

Dad had a biopsy yesterday, and the wound of the operation was wrapped in layers of white gauze, and now he needs to infuse several bottles of water every day to reduce inflammation and analgesia. Yesterday morning, I went to the toll office to handle the payment and cooperative medical treatment, and the person on duty told me that if it was a direct admission, the reimbursement rate for patients from the local area would be about 20 percent lower than that of those who were referred from the county hospital. We didn't know about this policy beforehand, but the 20 percent reimbursement rate was a lot of money for our family.

Today I told my dad about it, and he asked me to call my aunt, who is the head of a department in our county hospital, and I told him what happened, and maybe he could use this relationship to help us issue a referral certificate. I don't want to talk to my aunt, since I can remember, this family has not been taken care of by my aunt, because of my grandmother's affairs, my father cut off contact with my aunt, and now I turn around and ask my aunt for help, not to mention Dad, I really can't pull this face down to call her.

"After all, she is your aunt, my sister, and now that our family is in trouble, she won't help us with this."

"Then grandparents are still her own parents, did you see that when grandma was paralyzed and hospitalized, she went to take care of her for a day? Aren't you also angry that you cut off relations with your aunt on the day of your grandmother's burial? ”

Dad's face stiffened suddenly, and I felt that my words were a little heavy, and they might have hurt him, but I didn't know how to break this deadlock and embarrassing situation, so I didn't dare to raise my eyes to look at him, and turned my head to stare at the pot of pothos on the top of the cabinet.

This pot of pothos is very luxuriant, the leaves are shiny, and the vines hang down for nearly half a meter, and its vigorous vitality is very eye-catching compared to the whiteness of the room.

Dad was silent for a while, and finally said in a hoarse voice, "If you don't beat me, I'll fight." I don't believe she's really going to abandon me. With that, he reached for his phone on the bedside table.

But I think my dad has been silent for centuries.

"Oops, I'm going to hit I'm going to fight. You have a little rest in your room. ”

"Remember to tell your aunt that it's okay for us to send a big red envelope or some good cigarettes and wine to someone's house. I don't have any ideas, so you can go and discuss it with your aunt. ”

"I see."

I walked out of the room with my phone, hesitated at the top of the stairs for a while, and finally felt completely relieved of my dignity before dialing my aunt's number.

Six "beeps-" sounded from the receiver of the mobile phone before it was connected.

"Auntie."

"Hmm."

"I want you to do me a favor......"

"Yo! Do you think of me now? Say, what's the matter? ”

"My dad is sick and watching from our provincial hospital. People said that if there was a referral certificate issued by the county hospital, the reimbursement rate would be much higher, but my father and I came directly here to see the disease, can you ask my cousin's uncle to help me open a referral form......

"Heh, isn't it time for your dad to cut ties with me? There are a lot of things in other people's homes, how can you have the time to help us open this list, and besides, it's not easy for you to open it, after all, you haven't been hospitalized in other people's hospitals. ”

"I know it's very troublesome, so I want to ask you to help with this, you see it's okay to give someone a gift or a red envelope, auntie, you can help."

The sky outside the window was very large, cloudless, and an airplane seemed to be as big as a thumb's belly, but behind it was dragging a long white tail, like a white practice, cutting the sky in front of him alive.

Why is the outside world so big, people are at a loss and can't find themselves.

"It's not that your aunt won't help you, it's that your aunt can't help you. My aunt won't tell you anything else, so you can think of something else. ”

"Auntie, you didn't even ask and said you couldn't help, what if someone can help us open one......"

Before I finished speaking, my aunt hung up the phone, and didn't ask more about what kind of disease my father had, whether it was serious or not.

My dignity was trampled on, and what was even more hateful was that this person was still my aunt. I was so disgusted that I felt inferior to even having some of the same blood flowing from my body.

My tears fell out as soon as I "brushed", this is my sister's sister in my father's mouth, this is the so-called blood is thicker than water, this is the family affection of the fucked. Feeling sad for my father, my sister, who grew up together since childhood, is not only busy and refuses to help, but even the simplest word of concern is refused. Dad has no parents, and the only sister is so ruthless, the vast world, there is no one who can treat him as a child anymore, except for our family of four, Dad has no more to rely on, no more. That's how I thought, I began to feel sorry for my father, and I couldn't stop crying, obviously the most helpless person at this time should be my father, but why did I cry like the most wronged person. I didn't dare to imagine what would happen to the person lying in the hospital room waiting for my news to find out, and I couldn't imagine his disappointed expression, so I didn't dare to go back, and hid in the window alone and cried.

In the final analysis, it is money, a "money" word makes it difficult for me and my father to walk in a strange city, a "money" word makes my father's dignity thrown on the ground by my aunt, and a "money" word makes my father's cherished family relationship fall apart and reveal its original form, hehe, hehe.

Is everything in this world vulnerable in the face of "money"?

Today I have made a poisonous oath that I will have a lot of money in my lifetime, and if that woman asks me in the future, I will pay back a thousand times the humiliation suffered by my father and me today! I admit that I am such a resentful and cautious woman, never use words such as kindness and nobility to flaunt myself, I have seen too much selfishness, ignorance, and ignorance from the people around me, so I habitually look at people very badly, maybe I have inherited the selfish genes of this family in my bones, we are all the same kind of people, no one has to look down on anyone!

So, I'll take revenge, if I find an opportunity.

Back in the ward, my dad immediately sat up straight and asked my aunt what she was saying on the phone.

"My aunt asked, and said that the referral certificate was not something that he could open with a small department director, and besides, this is also illegal and illegal, Dad, we can't let others help us do bad things for our own selfishness."

"Your aunt ......"

The light in Dad's eyes quickly dimmed, and he deliberately cleared his throat, and his hands may not know how to place them, so he deliberately stroked the folds on the quilt, as if he really stroked off a layer of floating soil on it.

I couldn't bear to hear my father's next words, and forcibly interrupted, "In the final analysis, it's not money, let's earn it after we spend it, you see I'm a junior this year, and I will graduate next year, and then I will go out to work and make a lot of money, you and your mother will rest at home, sit and wait to count the money, count until you tremble and count until your hands and feet cramp." ”

Dad smiled, the folds at the corners of his eyes were more obvious, but the smile was a little far-fetched, just the shaking of the muscles on the surface of his face, and the deep down of his heart under the shaking may be wailing.

I walked up to him and took the initiative to hug him, I don't know if it was a hallucination, but there was still a faint smell of gasoline wafting into my nose, a smell that my father had melted into his bones and blood after dealing with trucks for many years, a smell that could not be erased for a lifetime.

This was the first time in my memory that the two of us were so close, I patted him on the back with a trembling hand, and swallowed the choked sobs in my throat, "Dad, it doesn't matter how much it costs, as long as you are safe and healthy." I've grown up, and from now on, you and Mom can rely on me. ”

"Silly girl, don't think about it."

"Dad can hold on."

The hug lasted only a few seconds, but when I stood up, I was a little embarrassed, my eyes didn't dare to look at him, and I didn't know where to put my hands. I took out two apples from the cabinet and took them out to wash them in a slight panic.

Feel...... My dad and I have become so closer.

Until yesterday, my father, who still felt sick, was still the one who always kept a straight face and didn't smile in his memory.

My dad wasn't very close to me, and I couldn't even imagine the scene of sitting on my dad's lap and laughing like a child in a TV series. My dad is a truck driver, he often goes out early and returns late, he doesn't talk much, and occasionally he talks to me a few words or when he comes home from work, he asks me if I have finished my homework and how many points I got on the exam. What I was most afraid of every day was that when he came back from work to check my homework, he would always be scolded loudly for every time he made a mistake or wrote a wrong word. Later, when I was in junior high school, my father could no longer help me with my homework, but I always had to habitually worry and tremble when it was time for him to get off work.

I'm the eldest daughter in the family, and I shouldn't be so harshly criticized, but my father is a patriarchal person, so I like my brother more, I am dispensable in his eyes, I don't have what my brother has, and I don't have what my brother doesn't have. One year and five months apart from my brother, for as long as I can remember, there has been a huge disparity between the two of us, he was pampered by his grandparents, and I, at home, I was like an outsider. My brother fights with me for everything, and sometimes I wonder why my brother would rather throw the toy from me back than give it back to me when he got tired of playing with it; I grabbed the snacks and put them in my mouth, chewed them casually, and spit them out, and didn't let me, the so-called sister, eat them everywhere. Perhaps, Xunzi's understanding of human nature is right, human nature is evil. And Dad never blamed his younger brother for half a point, and when he was particularly angry, he only scolded a few words.

But I can also see it, a child, what to fight with him, let him take what he likes. But my brother only avoided books and the like, so I preferred books, and the room was full of books except for a bed and a wardrobe. My brother sometimes rushes into my room to tear up my books when he is angry outside, at first I was really angry, I wanted to rush into the kitchen and pick up a kitchen knife and chop him, when I think of the scene of him lying in a pool of blood and dying, my restless and resentful heart will get a kind of comfort, and the comfort brought by this comfort will disappear after three fantasies, and his behavior of tearing books gradually becomes numb and sluggish, just a few books, I have read it, what is there to care about and feel distressed, every time I finish reading a book, I will hold the mentality of saying goodbye to this book foreverAnd my brother's act of tearing up the book is like a sacred ritual in front of my state of mind. Shouldn't I be glad that my patriarchal parents didn't strangle me to death, but let me be born into this world, without worrying about food and clothing, and still be able to buy and read books with peace of mind?

For so many years, not to mention resentment, I have no feelings for my father other than timidity. I have longed for and worked hard, what kind of child is the perfect child in their hearts, but the kind of life that has not grown up around since childhood cannot be compensated. After a long time, there is no need to be disappointed if there is no longer a desire.

I once thought that our father-daughter relationship might be like this in this life, and we would never be intimate again.

I never thought that my father would be sick this day, or such a serious illness, but maybe because of this illness, our father and daughter began to become close.

But if there is, I am willing to separate our father and daughter in exchange for him to be 100 years old. I don't need to be close to him anyway. If only he could live in peace.

"What is a man doing here?"

I was taken aback when Dr. Huo came to talk to me.

I was originally an unfrightened person, my heart "banged", my throat let out a low exclamation, and I blinked lightly, and before I could react, tears fell. In retrospect, it was a terrible scene, and I was so embarrassed by him.

He should have been a little surprised, seeing my face when I turned my head in a hurry and the tears on my face, he was stunned for a few seconds before showing a trace of embarrassment and apology, and quickly took out a tissue from his bag and handed it to me.

"No, nothing, in, looking at that, that wind, well, looking at the wind."

I took the tissue in his hand and held it in my hand, but I lowered my head and quickly wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand, in order to avoid embarrassment, I chose to answer his question, but I can't say that I am crying secretly, right? I couldn't think of a suitable reason, but I once again fell into an embarrassing situation when I was in a hurry, and my face turned red, and I wanted to pull out my tongue at that time.

That's a stupid answer.

He laughed, revealing his neat white teeth, and a shallow pear swirl the size of a mung bean on either side of his cheek.

"It turns out that you also like to watch the wind, and you have finally found a fellow believer. I can see the wind when the shadows of the trees are shaking, and I can see the wind when the birds are flying across the sky, what about you? ”

It was really sour to laugh at him in my heart, to say such a fake thing, but I was moved by his kindness to deliberately relieve me, he was the first "stranger" I took the initiative to talk to me after I came here, I don't know how to describe this gratitude in my heart, just thinking that he could not have come to comfort me.

The mouth didn't know what to say, so he could only nod his head blindly.

"Don't worry too much about your father's illness, trust the doctors, and believe in today's medical technology."

"Well, I will."

"It's okay for girls to cry, when they are sad, they should cry out, drain the toxins in their bodies, and wash away all the unhappiness with tears. I'm very emotional, I'm too tired from work to cry, I'm crying when I watch movies, I'm crying when I'm happy, you see why I'm an old man in my thirties with so good skin, I'll tell you oh, it's all crying. Dr. Huo closed his eyes comfortably and stroked his cheeks with both hands.

I burst out laughing, amused by the way he deliberately pretended to be a girl.

He let out a long sigh of relief, revealing the two iconic little whirlpools.

"You're finally smiling."

"Thank you."

"Life is short, life always has to pass, come on, little girl!"

"Yes, so even if you're unhappy, you're going to keep the status quo and go on one day at a time?"

I don't know why I would be so bold in asking, but I just wanted to fight back against him like this, I heard a lot of things about him from others, I was loyal to my duties, and I tried my best to do everything well, but because I didn't know how to flatter, he didn't have a share in promotions and salary increases, and I was depressed. I just wanted to stimulate him like this, how unconvincing it was to persuade others even though he was living a miserable life.

"Really? Do you think I'm unhappy? ”

He was still smiling happily, as if he didn't take my words to heart.

"If you're not happy, ask yourself."

"You little girl! We can add WeChat, if you have any questions, you can always come and ask me. ”

"Is that okay?"

"What's not to do with that."

After adding WeChat, he reached out and gently patted me on the shoulder, and left.

Looking at the back of his departure, I found that he had changed into casual clothes, white short sleeves, black jeans, and the broken hair on the top of his head shook with his steps, as lively as himself.

Unfold him and wipe his nose with my tissue, which is a faint mint fragrance.

It turned out that his name was Huo Heng.

Huo Heng, Huo Heng.

For the rest of the day, I began to pay attention to his every move, and told myself that I was just trying to find clues about his unhappiness in his words and actions.

But the longer I looked at him, the more I couldn't take my eyes off him.

In fact, I just wanted to watch him.

You see, what an undetermined woman I am, and I hated him so much at first, but he treated me so kindly, that I immediately changed my mind and thought he was the best man in the world.

If you think about it, I may have misunderstood him before, and maliciously evaluated the way he treated patients from my own point of view. During the daily routine ward rounds, his enthusiastic attitude towards each patient and the patient's family made me feel disgusted, a doctor does not treat the disease well, but spends his mind on some nonsense, even if everyone has a high opinion of him, even the aunt who comes to clean every day is a burst of praise to him, I already have a bad impression of him in my heart, so my prejudice against him will deepen day by day. However, in today's snobbish society, it is already rare for a doctor to insist on smiling at every patient, isn't it? And among so many patients, I can remember my father's illness, and I can remember whose family member I am......

What I used to subjectively give people to evaluate was not...... Something excessive?

I can't say what's going on in my head, it's always chaotic and messy.

Ryoko, do you know what you're talking about right now?! I don't want to think about it, I don't want to think about it, and my head is in a mess.

Good night, tomorrow will be fine.