"On the way home that night, I couldn't remember what it was, my whole world fell apart! I didn't dare look at the thick stack of cartoons she gave me, and the book! Those are like portals that can lead one to the bottomless abyss! When I got back to my room, I couldn't hold it anymore and almost fell on the bed! The scene just now was spinning in my mind! I'm waiting for news of her rescue! Hopefully the phone will ring! Or a classmate came to tell me that she was out of danger! Or when you arrive at school on Monday, you hear your classmates talking about it and bring good news! Even if it's a guess that she's in the hospital! I lay in bed, not sleepy! If I hadn't waited for her and offered to go to class with her, wouldn't it have happened? If I had rushed to the school building to find her in the first ten minutes, would the results have been different? If I hadn't thought about the hug and kiss I had just had, would I have thought that I should have gone to the classroom earlier, and the result would have been different? The most unbearable thing is to think of too many ifs after the established facts! If any of these details had changed, I am afraid the result would have been a different story! I thought of how similar I was to the first time I saw her on the edge of the playground! It's just that the time is different! Why did she leave so suddenly? What was the reason for her decision to end her life abruptly? When a person makes such a decision, it must be the result of a long period of mental torture or a sudden mental breakdown! Although I could recall some of the omens later, I still couldn't figure out how she could be found out in terms of appearance, inwardness or anything else, but she ended her young life like this! Why, exactly? Even today, I still can't think clearly! Incomprehensible! Lin Jun said, couldn't help shaking his head, snuffed out the cigarette in his hand, and then took out another one and lit it, took a deep breath, and slowly spit it out.

"It's a painful memory." I said,

"It's too sudden, and it's hard for anyone to accept!"

"Yes! And it's the pain of being in a state of incomparably wake! Lin Jun said,

"It's like a nightmare in a waking state! A nightmare that won't go away for a long time! The next day was Sunday, which was the weekly sketching time, and although it was raining outside, I still habitually brought my painting tools out with me, without an umbrella or raincoat! I just want to get out! I knew she couldn't go sketching with me anymore, but I wanted to go out anyway! I don't want to stay at home for a minute! Maybe you can still hear her news and miracles when you go out! I knew in my heart that it was impossible, but I always thought that if I went out, there would be hope, and there would be miracles! I was riding my bicycle in the rain, and from time to time passers-by looked at me in amazement, how could they understand the mood of a stranger at the moment? I rode straight to the place where we sketched for the last time – the rice paddies! Because of the rain, there was no one in the rice fields! I put my bike where I parked it last time, then I took out my painting tools, put up my easel, my drawing board, and everything was exactly the same as last time! But I couldn't move my paintbrush anyway, it was as if there was an invisible force restraining my hands! I could only stand on the side and look at the sketchpad. Maybe she'll come in the rain in a moment! I'm not here to paint, I'm waiting! I see, I'm really waiting! Since it is waiting, there will be hope! Why wait otherwise? So be it! When she comes, it's never too late to draw! Thinking of this, my mood suddenly improved, why don't I ride to the ridge of the field! So I got on my bike and went round and round on the ridge! Can you imagine what I was like? I nodded.

"But indescribable!" I replied.