What Dr. Nguyen Le brings is not all good news. Although I was constantly distressed, constantly thinking, constantly sorting out clues, trying to figure out the best way to cope. However, when the mystery ferments, I always have to face unexpected situations and dilemmas. Of course, I also envision the best and worst, lay out all the possibilities I can think of, make a plan, and be prepared for the consequences of the unfavorable situation. I carry the consciousness of every decision I make, however, as a human being, I cannot conceive of every turn in the mysteries, nor can I estimate the lower limit of the worst-case scenario, and when I have to use my consciousness to face the consequences that I did not expect, even if I do not regret it, the pain and sorrow in my heart cannot be stopped.

Dr. Nguyen Le did not tell me about the mortality rate of ordinary patients who took the new medicine, and that although they did not die, they had other side effects. Dr. Ruan Li's perception of me lying on the hospital bed at this time is that "Gao Chuan is also a routine patient who has taken new drugs", but for me, there are other explanations.

From the perspective of this repeater world, from the cognitive perspective of Dr. Ruan Li, the explanations obtained from any situation are different and even diametrically opposed, and extremely contradictory from the perspectives of other worlds, other people's ⊥ cognitions, and even their own cognitions.

In Dr. Nguyen Li's opinion, although I have woken up, my body is still weak. But in my opinion, it is not my body that is weak, but my spirit, my mind. The after-effects of the previous blows. It is still in my brain, no, it should be said, not just the "brain", which is a part of the biological subjective mind, but a more specific way of thinking, the memory residue and even the basis of the construction of my own spirit - thought.

I can't explain my current situation in detail. Probably because I don't have much knowledge. There is not enough theory and vocabulary to describe these problems.

What makes me think that there is nothing wrong with my body is because the magic pattern on my right hand is conveying a lively, energetic, and strong feeling. The sensation was like a stream of heat, flowing along every muscle, vessel, and nerve, and even gave me the illusion that the pattern was still injecting information into my brain. As for what information it is, it is completely impossible to dig out through guò's brain activity.

I think it's delusional, but it's so realistic that it's so realistic. Given my own situation, I had to think that it might be true.

In this world full of mysteries, everything that is impossible to exist in my understanding, in the theories I know, can be stored in zài. So, when I think it's a delusion, it's actually what is happening. Of course, it is also possible.

I can't organize my thoughts right now, I can't think deeply. I can't connect the remaining clues in my mind in a logical way. I knew that I had the memory of this qiē in front of my eyes, and yet, this memory was churning uncontrollably, like scorching magma. There was a rumbling sound tumbling, and these sounds, impressions, and sensations were by no means a problem with the five senses. It's just that it's stored in my mind, whether I think about it or not, it's always there.

In Dr. Ruan Li's view, this is the sequelae, which is the impact of medicinal properties on the brain nerves. To calm it down, in addition to continuing to take some medications, you can only rely on the body's own ability to recover. At present, neither Dr. Nguyen Le nor the seminar has the ability to make a specific drug for this side effect. From the perspective of the symposium, it may be necessary to devote some energy to studying these side effects in order to obtain more clinical outcomes of new drugs, but its greater energy has always been focused on how to make breakthroughs in the "paradise" research from the new routes that have been found.

Yes, Dr. Nguyen Le told me: "The clinical trial of the new drug has ended, and the seminar has new ideas after absorbing the experience and lessons. The newly developed drug will follow the inspiration of this failure, but it will not continue the route of this new drug. The drugs they develop after that are theoretically closer to what they want, but whether it is the drug properties, the way of action of the drug, or even the possible effects, it will be different from the new drug. To put it simply, the drugs that are remanufactured and the new drugs that patients have taken in the past are no longer a series that connects the past and the future. ”

Dr. Nguyen Le is also involved in new research, but privately, Dr. Nguyen Lê is not the only one who is interested in further research on new drugs, but he may be the most concerned about it. Because of me, Dr. Nguyen Le wanted to create a specific drug that would work for patients who were currently taking the new drug, as well as a more in-depth and improved drug. Dr. Nguyen Le believes that the new drug itself is taking the wrong route, but because some people have taken it and it has produced certain effects, the patients cannot just give up.

Turning to me, she said, "The new drug doesn't fit my philosophy, but it doesn't bring those horrible side effects. Achuan, the effect it produces on you is not the same as the effect on other patients. ”

"What's the difference?" I couldn't think about it, so I just habitually followed Dr. Ruan Li's words and asked, "Do you think that some of my changes at this time are benign?" ”

"Yes." Dr. Ruan Li nodded cautiously, "According to your observations these days, your brain waves are a little messy, but your activity has decreased. ”

"Isn't that bad news?" I said, "I'm sick, it's a sign of weakness." ”

"Only partially. Such a change is indeed bad news for the average person, but not entirely for you. Dr. Nguyen Li said, "In the past, your brain wave activity was too intense, as if you were in a state of extreme excitement all the time. But even at that time, your brain waves are not coherent, orderly, and smooth. Let's put it this way, in the past, your brain seemed to overheat and crash at any time. ”

This is the first time I've heard of this.

"I'm sure you feel it too, you can't control your own thinking." "Not only do you not have control over your thinking, but you also can't actually organize your memories. Even if you have a split personality, you can't control your nerves and brain. What you thought was a visceral action in the past may not be what you want to do. ”

"No kidding. Mom. I couldn't help but interrupt Dr. Nguyen Li. "I've always known what I'm doing, and while I may not be able to tell whether the illusion is real or real, I'm trying to tell the difference," he said. I'm sure I love you. ”

Dr. Nguyen Li was silent for a while, did not argue, just nodded. But I know. She insisted on her assertion that in her eyes, I was such an uncontrollable child - and I knew that in some ways, she was right. However, whether I was wrong or not, I had to move forward in this situation. Know how bad your situation is, know how bad your situation is in the eyes of others. Knowing these things is really useless for changing these things.

If you know it, you can change it, and this statement is certainly true.

However, knowing it but not being able to change it, such a situation is also objectively existent.

So far, no one can change the problems that have arisen in me. It's not just a matter of ability, it's also a matter of time.

I know. What makes me like this is beyond the imagination of human beings. It seems to be gradually revealing the tip of the iceberg. But now, I'm not even sure if the tip of the iceberg is also an illusion.

"Next time, I will be solely responsible for your medication, and I have already earned this permission." Dr. Nguyen Le said.

"Is it because there are too many deaths from routine patients?" I couldn't help but laugh, "Do you have to make concessions over there?" ”

"You don't need to think about these things. Just recuperate with peace of mind. ”

So to speak. Not going to continue the topic, she took Wen Jiàn out of the file bag and said to me: "Before you fell unconscious, you recorded something interesting again. Do you remember? ”

Of course I remember, though I still can't lift my spirits. Something is clogging the brain all the time, and when you think about it, it's filled with a bunch of disorganized things. But I still remember that in the moments before I fell unconscious, I wrote something down with pen and paper. However, at this moment, as if he did not believe it, Dr. Nguyen Li calmly looked at me, and after a while, he seemed to have made up his mind, put the pages of paper on the bedside, and said to me, "You better take a look, maybe you will get some hints." ”

"What's the hint?" I was a little confused because she was too vague.

"Perhaps, even you won't believe what you've written. You've always believed what you keep in your diary, but I'm not sure you'll continue to believe it. Dr. Nguyen Le said, "This is something that a real madman would describe." ”

"What if I continue to believe?" I knew that what I wrote in my diary would never be approved by Dr. Nguyen. Dr. Nguyen Lê flipped through it and sought only a symbolic hint behind the story.

"If you choose to believe what is written on these pages, you will doubt the diary of the past. But if you believe in the diary, you won't approve of writing down what is described in these papers. Dr. Nguyen Le said: "There is a strict conflict between the two, and it reflects your self-contradiction at this time. ”

"You're saying too much. Mom. "I couldn't help but complain.

"Maybe." Dr. Ruan Li smiled and got up from his chair, "Okay, I'm here this time just to see how you're doing. Now that you've woken up and don't seem to be going crazy, I can rest easy for the time being. ”

"Leaving so soon?" I can't help but hold on.

"Time is tight, I still have a lot of practical things to sort out, and it is not so simple to use the equipment and resources of the seminar. I had to seize every opportunity and time. Dr. Nguyen Le said.

"Sue me, then, Mom." I asked her very sternly, "In your eyes, has my general condition deteriorated or improved?" "I think that's what she's been avoiding talking about.

Sure enough, Dr. Nguyen Li hesitated, and after a while he replied, "It is more likely to worsen." Achuan, I hope you can be ready. Her tone was poignant, and it made me feel like she was telling a terminally ill patient that he was in his advanced stages.

Dr. Nguyen Le has been saying good things to me, and although there is a lot of bad news, the way he speaks in a way that makes people feel that it is not so bad. However. I understand that this last sentence is her most sincere thought, and it is also the one she is most reluctant to say, but it is the one she least wants to hide.

Be able to tell the patient that "you have a terminal illness and your life is short". It is one of the most important things she values as a doctor.

Perhaps, saying such things to a patient is also a very painful thing for the person who speaks frankly. Dr. Ruan Li's face flashed with such pain.

"Takakawa won't die, Mom." I just smiled and comforted her, saying, "Takakawa will not give up and will not die until his wish is fulfilled." For Takakawa. Despair is not the reason to stop, but the search for hope is one of the reasons why Takakawa exists. Mom, you've read the diary, and maybe none of the stories in the story are true to you, but, I think. You can understand what kind of person Takakawa is in the story. ”

Dr. Nguyen Le stepped forward suddenly. Hugged me and said, "I know, I know." Good boy, as long as you don't give up, I won't give up. "Just let me go. He walked out of the door without looking back. During the observation of the chain judgment, she turned to the wall outside the door, covering her face and quietly weeping. I feel that I can feel some of her feelings, but I can't really understand the deepest emotions in her heart at this time. How sour her tears were. For me, I couldn't taste it at all.

I can only deal with it with a smile in front of her, and use the most sincere and strong language to infect her and let her understand that I am not such a sad person. Yes, the pain and sorrow I feel in my heart are born from the situation of others, but for myself in the same situation, this pain and sadness is not so profound. I think I'm pathetic, hypocritical, incorrigible, but I don't think I should feel sad and miserable for being like this. Because, I know exactly what I am doing, and what efforts I have put in, admittedly, maybe the result has not been sweet, too many mistakes have happened, but I am proud and proud of myself who knows what I want to do and at the same time put in the effort.

The mistakes of the past, the mistakes of the present, and the mistakes that will occur in the future, and even all kinds of failures, unforeseen tragedies, are not reasons for me to loathe myself, to hate myself, and to think that I should despair. I am very sure that my life, full of all kinds of confusion, mysterious attacks, backsliding relatives and friends, and even the declining future, will suddenly make me feel a deep sense of frustration at some point, but these are also not reasons for me to stop and doubt myself.

If you do something wrong, you will pay the price. I agree with that. I don't know if I'm wrong, but I've done a good job, and if I'm really wrong, I have to bear the price, but until I am proven wrong, I'll still go on my own way. As for how can you prove yourself wrong? The answer is also very simple, when that price comes and makes me completely despairing, it must be the punishment for what I did wrong.

On the contrary, since I am not feeling hopeless, I am still struggling, I have not given up, I am still trying, I have a plan that is being completed, and I am still trying to redeem something, then, what can prove me wrong?

Death and despair are completely different for Takakawa. The hope passed on through death has always been unfolding before my eyes, and I myself am only a part of the torch of hope, which may be the last link or the middle link. In this case, death may prove me wrong, but it cannot prove Takakawa's wrong.

But now, I'm not dead.

In Dr. Nguyen Li's opinion, I may have been terminally ill and blind, but as long as I have not died, the possibility still exists. For me, how it should be theoretically is only a reference value, not a final value.

My heart rhythm gradually returned to normal, and I forcibly put all my bad premonitions behind me and began to check the diary left by Dr. Nguyen Li. These are scribbled on a few sheets of paper, scattered and frantic words. Between the lines, the handwriting, format and content, the whole paper with the text, and the visual shape presented, all made me realize for the first time how crazy I had fallen into when I wrote these things. Reading these words, I gradually awakened more memories and feelings at that time.

I initially thought that when I wrote these things, I still had the last of my senses, and it was these minds that gave me the idea of recording and writing as much as I could in the most concise words before I fell unconscious. But when I re-examine it at this time, I immediately understand why Dr. Ruan Li has such an expression and such a statement when he mentions this content.

Indeed, in retrospect, this qiē is like the murmur of a mad man who has completely lost his mind, without any credible reason at all, and no symbolic clue can be found at all. The only thing that is certain is that the person who wrote these contents was already crazy at that time, and as for the reason for his madness, the pathology at that time, and the psychological trajectory, there is no need to pay attention to it, and it is impossible to find it in such words.

"The separation between concept and reality, and the concept of self-existence?" In my mind, what I felt, what I thought, or what I shoehorned into my head. Now that I come back to my senses, it's still hard to imagine that I had such thoughts at that time. However, from the perspective of "mystery", people have to care.

Something outside the mind, a kind of existence formed by the aggregation of the corresponding concepts of "thought" and "wisdom". No, it shouldn't even be said to be a zài, but something that only exists in a huntain that makes no sense and has no meaning. As a human being, we can imagine such a thing, but we can't define what kind of thing it is. And how do you know for sure that it really exists?

However, at that time, the feeling that suddenly forced my mind to become me, as if my mind had been raped, as if it was pregnant with something, was indeed like it was not generated by me, but was led to produce it. My perception can't explain this. However, just from the point of view of feelings, it is as if everything that happened in the past is to produce such a kind of thinking, such a conceptual cognition. And this perception also distorts me myself.

I could feel the distortion of my mind and accept it - it was a very contradictory experience.

If the cognition of "things outside the mind" does not originate from self-cognition, but is a cognition that is nurtured by external forces, then I can only think of "virus" and "river" as the culprits of the qiē.

Originally, since the "thing outside the mind" is defined as such a thing with a purely relativity concept, it itself cannot be recognized, understood, or even observed. For people, there should be no difference between saving zài and not saving zài. But right now, it's really influencing the people I've observed. Through the observation of this effect, it can be said that there is indeed zài.

This is a strange feeling: if the researchers in the original hospital did not connect those diseases and attribute them to "viruses", then "viruses" would not exist, and those diseases would not be so deeply related, but would be called "doomsday syndrome" in the same way. This means that if the people in the hospital at that time did not propose the "virus" and treated those diseases in a normal way, nothing would have happened.

However, when the concept of "virus" appeared, everything changed. When people try to find out the "virus", the existence of the "virus" has already been confirmed. And this confirmation seems to be turning into the reason and root cause of the existence of the "virus".

Various diseases are grouped together as "doomsday syndrome", and "doomsday syndrome" is considered to be the result of infection with a "virus". These diseases, which have long been recognized as existing, have been combined to produce malignant changes that even experts are helpless to do.

If I combine this vicious change with my situation at this time, it is more like that the "virus" is trying to appear in front of people in a more tangible and concrete way, and the reason for this qiē is only because some people, in a certain way of association, confirm the existence of the "virus" from a ridiculous angle. (To be continued......)