"You're lonely. Pen @ fun @ pavilion wWw. ｂｉｑUｇE。 ｉｎｆｏ”

I don't know when I opened my eyes, and the girl lying on the hospital bed said to me with a pestle by the window. I was stunned for a moment, not expecting her to talk to me.

This girl, who was in the same room as me, had long and beautiful flowing hair, but it was mixed with gray hair, and her eyes were intoxicating red. I forgot to reply, no, I don't know how to reply. It was a surreal scene, and my mind never thought about how to answer at such a time.

She sighed, as if disappointed with my reaction.

"What kind of life do you want?" She hasn't given up yet.

I think someone must have asked me the same question.

"What kind of life do you want?" She repeated, again.

I also remember my answer.

"Ordinary life."

No hesitation, affirmative and quick answer. That's what I really think, and I show my thoughts without missing anything.

"So, if you had to choose between the past and the future, which one would you choose?"

I thought for a moment, but still smiled, and replied:

"Future. I think that even without memories, human beings can still pursue a small hope of survival. So even if I don't have memories, I want to keep alive because there is a future. ”

Strong and powerful. That's how I answered at that time.

"Do you really want to give up your past?"

"I may not have a past worth recalling."

Although childhood was indeed interesting, I didn't have any interesting memories in my school days or now, and I forgot better memories. Such a past may not be worth abandoning the future to choose, right?

"Would you rather forget than to suffer?"

"Maybe not, right?"

What was on my mind at that time?

I've come to terms with that sadness and have lived all the way to the present, and why did I answer that way in the past.

Yes, I'm lying.

"I'm a liar, and I know from that day that no one can escape my deception."

"That's right..."

"I'm sorry, I lied to you just now, don't put on such a sad look."

I'm lying, from the beginning.

"Ah, it seems like there's a bit too much to talk about today."

"But it doesn't matter, it's all a lie anyway."

"So that's it for today."

"If we meet again."

"Then let's be friends."

So, I reached out to what I was after.

-- The girls from a few years ago --

I didn't graduate, but I should have graduated from my naivety and stubbornness.

The sun's rays were as dazzling as ever, like an authority that no one dared to look at, scorching every inch of the city.

I hate this city.

When I came home from school again, I even felt that this was no longer my home - the surrounding small park where adults with children would always come here to play every summer, now only the construction site lined with steel bars remains, and the place where I lived before moving has become a new commercial street.

It's hard to imagine that such a place is only 500 meters away from my current home.

Until a few months ago, it was a yard where children could play.

The reality is really boring, and he took a sip of bitter coffee.

Just like me, people who have nothing to do are everywhere.

And today I have decided to break away from this idle life and participate in an invitation from netizens, a "suicide party". Including me, there were four people in total. Although there are a lot of the same things on the message board, this is the only one that piqued my interest.

The initiator of the party only notified three people, including me, and only four people were in the party.

"Dressed in black with a suicide note."

That's all there is to it. The meeting place was on the bench in front of the station, and now I was sitting here idle, as always, taking out my phone and staring at the time.

Why did you choose to attend this party? It just occurred to me that maybe my life would be a little different, and that's all.

"Are you here for the 'party'?"

In the time of staring at the phone in a daze, finally someone spoke to the inconspicuous me, I tilted my head and looked at the person who was talking to me through the dim light of the phone.

"Kokoroba."

I just put my screen name on it, which is certainly not my name, but my mother's name.

"Red Night, the initiator of the party."

There is nothing wrong with having a conversation that is not superfluous, it is a conversation between strangers. This guy called Red Night is no different from what I imagined, a character who looks like a gentle scholar, with a hearty smile and neatly dressed. According to his own account, he was the son of the manager of a certain enterprise.

"Everyone else has arrived, let's go."

"Hmm."

I straightened my messy hair and turned off my phone.

If I had to say how unfortunate I was, I would just keep my mouth shut. I'm not interested in putting my so-called miserable experience in front of others and praying for sympathy. I don't feel happy because I'm being sympathized and pitied.

An ordinary residential building, so ordinary that people can't arouse any interest. And here is the seventh floor, which is our destination, or the end of life.

"It's a lot more modest than I expected." I looked at the simple furnishings and layout of the house, and habitually squinted my eyes.

"This is my rented house," Red Night said, nodding, "It's much easier to rent a house just by asking for money for a party than it is to meet in your own home." For this reason, I have often held normal gatherings here and there for the past six months, just to hide people's eyes. ”

In my analysis of him, Red Night should be a so-called genius who has received an elite education. Like me, I carry strong expectations and requests from my family and relatives, but I am not willing to accept the kind of life that has been arranged, so I will choose this way.

Yes, it is a beautiful way to have expectations of others and be disappointed, and then put all the blame on the person who is expected of you, after all, it is something that most experienced adults do.

"If it were me, I'd look for something a little more remote," I shook my head, "what about the others?" ”

As soon as I finished speaking, a voice came from the room.

"Slow to death."

What came out was a diminutive girl and... A certain girl.

"What an adventure," I squinted, "I didn't expect to meet again in such a way." ”

Spotlessly white long hair, wearing sunglasses, wrapping himself tightly, and even wearing gloves on his hands on a hot summer day. Of course, this is not a vicious habit, but she can't let herself be exposed to the sun too much.

It's someone I know... A girl with albinism. I don't know her name, but the place where we met and knew each other a little bit was in the hospital room, and she and I happened to be in the same room. During my hospitalization, I was like her, and no one came to visit me.

To put it bluntly, it's a doll that has been abandoned like me.

"So you're Kokoroha?" Obscured by her sunglasses, I couldn't see her eyes clearly, she sighed and said, "Yes, it's a matter of course, and I can almost guess from the way we chat." ”

"Oh? Do you know each other? Red Night asked curiously.

"It doesn't matter now."

Her screen name is "Fuji Forest", which is also the name she told me when she talked to me in the hospital, and it looks more like her real name.

I sat on the couch next to me, and in order to distance myself from them, I deliberately sat on the separate couch, and I thought that none of them, who were almost strangers, would want to squeeze into the same couch with me.

"You've guessed that I'm going to do that, right?" Fujibayashi said this, shrugging his shoulders, "But do you remember our agreement?" ”

“......”

Without saying a word, he took out the prepared suicide note from the inner bag of his jacket and placed it on the coffee table.

As always, I chose to distance myself from everyone, and I came for a different purpose than them.

"It's rude, and it looks like you're no less isolated."

The other petite girl shrugged her shoulders and didn't seem to care about my words and actions. She also took out the suicide note from her satchel and put it on the other side of the coffee table.

"Maybe the meeting is a little unpleasant, but let's introduce myself first," Red Night smiled heartily and put down his suicide note, "Well, forget about your real name or something, "Red Night", the initiator of this party. ”

"I said that that kind of thing doesn't matter, does it?" I sneered and said, "Since you're here, what else do you need to introduce?" ”

“......”

Brought the atmosphere to an awkward point, but it didn't matter then, I did my research beforehand... The reason why Red Night only invited the four of us was because he had the same purpose as me, or... He didn't hold a party to commit suicide in the first place. It was Red Night who asked me to come here to... Hopefully I'll stop a few people from committing suicide.

"At the very least, then, tell me why you're here here." Red Night looked at the people present and said helplessly.

This time, I didn't refute it.

"My parents... It's the boss of a big business," Red Night saw that I had no opinion, and began to tell the story, "It should have been my proud parents, but.... About half a year ago, their company was taken to court. Because one of the employees of the fortification became a vegetative person, according to the contract for the compensation, my parents did not know what means were used... only paid the other party 30,000 yuan. ”

Several people also sat down on the sofa next to the coffee table, but the girl and Red Night sat together.

The employee's wife was overwhelmed and committed suicide. After I learned about this, I came back to my senses and was already being pointed at and bullied everywhere because of this behavior of my parents... And my parents didn't have the slightest remorse for this, let alone the other party, even for me. ”

His heavy tone made the air almost freeze. The atmosphere is almost suffocating.

"And then—" Red Night glanced at the little girl beside her.

"She's your sister, I can probably guess why," I interrupted, then looked at the white-haired girl, "and you... I couldn't know better. ”

These things were told to me by Red Night, and I lit the valve called sanity and let it burn in anger.

"Like Red Night, you are hospitalized in the hospital because of your parents, but your parents have never visited you for a few years, nor have they brought you any condolences. I've already treated you as a burden. ”

"It's a tragic story, and it's a good reason to escape."

I picked up my suicide note and tore it apart in their shocked eyes.

"Take such a boring story as your own umbrella, as a reason to escape everything from yourself, and then choose to say goodbye to these things that you should be carrying? No kidding, you don't have the right to commit suicide at all. I looked at the three of them coldly.

"You guy! You must be the one who lives in happiness! The little girl stood up angrily.

"Do you think you're unlucky?" I looked at her coldly, "I know that I was being abandoned as garbage, why do I have to swallow my anger?" Do you even want to abandon yourself? ”

"You kind of guy who lives in happiness... How can we understand the pain of persevering all the way! The little girl looked like she couldn't hold back my words any longer.

"So what's that!!!"

Ah, burn, burn, rage, and light up the future of these unfortunate fellows!

"So you want to be pimented? So who do you want to be comforted with? So if someone insults you, you can only swallow your anger and choose to surrender? ”

"If you can be happy if you don't want to see what you don't want to see, and if you can be happy if you don't want to face it, then everyone can be happy! When did suffering and misfortune become a reason for people like you to turn a blind eye to reality??!! ”

Is this feeling anger? Surely I gasped, my heart was beating violently, the dense drumbeat was bursting blood into my body, I must be terrible now, but I couldn't see it, and I didn't want to see it.

Yes, I was expecting that.

Looking forward to the girl named Fujilin, she may be in misfortune like me, or maybe it is because of her albinism that she can't move around freely, so she reads a lot. The world in her eyes is like truth to me. I met her at the lowest point in my life, and I thought that her words would lead me out of the abyss of my misfortune.

But I'm not like the so-called adults.

Unauthorized expectations, unauthorized choices to believe, unauthorized disappointment, despair, like I am now... Ignite emotions called anger and unwillingness.

This emotion stirred, flowing out with a trembling voice.

"It's easy to leave everything behind and die alone, right? You don't feel like you're carrying anything anymore, do you? No kidding! This is the life you want? Nothing died like waste, you didn't even learn to struggle, you won't even have a grave to build for you, as if you hadn't been to this world? To be looked down upon, to be abandoned, to be complained about, right? I tell you, misfortune is not something that makes you escape from reality, it is just the price of making you suffer and then proving the meaning of your existence to all those who look down on you! Other than that, there is no point! ”

Life is not a story, and life is not interesting enough to be written as a story. The so-called life is not only constantly evolving in repetition, but then composing a similar but slightly different picture scroll. Our picture scroll has not yet been completed, and it is only a pity to completely abandon this picture scroll before this.

Then, I turned and strode away without looking back.