My name is Xi Sheng and I am 19 years old.

I was just born when I met Nanmu, but when I have memories of Nanmu, it was when I was five years old, and at that time I was more dependent on him, and I was a gentle big brother next door.

Nanmu is very gentle with his own people, and when I was a child, I was his own in his eyes, but my identity changed as an adult.

I like Nanmu, probably very early, I don't know exactly how long, I was already deep in it when I realized it, and I wanted to be with him all the time.

But Nanmu is nine years older than me, and I have to be one step behind him in everything, and by the time I tried to pester him, he had already moved out of Nan's house and bought an apartment outside to live with his girlfriend.

At that time, I was very sad.

But it's sad or sad, Nanmu and I are nothing, so he has the freedom to have a girlfriend, I can't say anything and can't do anything, only wait until he has had enough fun and break up.

I hope that I can marry him as an adult, and I hope that he can understand my mind, but in a moment I feel that I am deceiving myself, because everyone knows that I like Nanmu.

How could he not know?!

Nanmu knew what I thought about him, I chased him vigorously, and he chased him all the time, but he never responded to me as if he didn't see it, and he ...... me I have long been regarded as an outsider.

Kusunoki became more and more cold to me, and I was angry during that time, but when I calmed down, I felt that I had nothing to be angry about.

Kusunoki didn't like me and didn't even give me any promises, so what was there to be angry about? In his eyes, I was just an outsider, an outsider he treated indifferently.

I was only fourteen years old at the time, and I felt very irritable and sad in my heart, and I was not at all as relaxed and rebellious as my peers.

When I thought about it, I felt like I couldn't go on like this, and I was going to forget about Kusunoki, so I formed a band and played rock 'n' roll, and that period of time was the most relaxed and carefree day of my life.

Gradually, Nanmu appeared less and less in his mind, and just when I was about to find a boyfriend to completely forget about him, he appeared in our orchestra and unceremoniously pulled me back.

He didn't approve of me messing with those people, he wanted me to be obedient and not get him into trouble, and he said that I would cut ties with me if I did it again.

Severing ties?!

In fact, I thought he was very funny at that time, what do I have to do with him that he needs to cut it off personally?

Why should I listen to him?!

Who is he?

Only I know—

He is Nanmu's elder brother.

I knew that I would not be able to get him in a short period of time, so I started to study oil painting with peace of mind, but I didn't expect to end up painting only his back, and I still remember the professor asking me, "Why do you always paint him?" Do you have something hidden in your heart? How do I think you've come here through the vicissitudes of life and endless years? ”

Where did I get the vicissitudes of life when I was young?!

It's just that there is a person hidden in my heart.

I can't ask for it, I just don't let it go.

I devoted myself to studying oil painting, and finally waited tirelessly until I was eighteen years old, and when I was old enough to be qualified to marry him.

But he hid from me that year.

He didn't show up at my birthday party, didn't give me a coming-of-age gift, didn't even send a message of blessing.

But even then, I believe that he will always be my brother Nanmu, and I love him, and the pain of my love for him is unbearable and joyful.

When I was eighteen years old, Kusunoki was single, and I wanted to finally have the opportunity to be by his side, but some things always backfired, and I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and the deadline was approaching.

I accepted the doctor's offer to stay in the hospital for chemotherapy because I didn't want to die at all, so why should I die? I'm still so young, I haven't gotten Brother Kusunok yet.

Kusunoki is the motivation for me to live, every time I come out of the chemotherapy room, my whole body is in pain, I hold back my tears to call Nanmu to hear his voice, but he always deliberately ignores me.

Maybe I was annoying him later, and he asked me in a bad temper, "Xi Sheng, don't you have anything to do to harass me?" ”

In his eyes, I was harassment.

When the doctor proposed that I undergo a second chemotherapy treatment, I refused, and at that time I thought that even living was meaningless.

He will never understand my heart.

And I don't want to lie so decadent, sickly, and disgusting in the hospital bed, even if I die in the end, I have to live chicly.

People who knew me after I left the hospital said that I had changed, that I was much gentler, that I was no longer showing off my might.

What's the point of showing off your might?!

I don't have the energy to fight anyone anymore, I just want to think about how I will live the rest of my life without regrets.

My dad knew that I had loved Kusunoki since I was a child, so he proposed a marriage to the Nan family so that I could marry him in my lifetime.

I like him but I don't want to force him, so I told my dad that this matter is over, but Grandpa Nan insisted: "The girl I fancy can only belong to our Nan family, and I always have to marry early and late, and it is useless for you to refuse."

I think it's actually okay, because I may not live to the day I marry Nanmu, but I never thought that I would sleep with Nanmu, and that day he was very drunk, and he fell on the bed and tore my clothes while holding me, and I didn't refuse because of his touch.

How can I refuse?!

I have been thinking about the person lying on top of me for so many years, and now he wants me, how can I be willing to refuse?

My heart and liver trembled when I was touched by Nanmu that night, and I thought this was probably the greatest tenderness he gave me in my life.

It's just that I didn't expect him to call Ah Ran's name when he slept with me, this Ah Ran I know, is Nanmu's ex-girlfriend.

At that moment, my heart was like ashes.

I hugged his head and laughed and said, "If you like it."

That night I was in tears and kept saying, "If you like it."

No matter what Nanmu treats me, I can forgive him, even if he is trying to avoid me marrying a woman I have just met.

That woman's name is Yu Jian.

She came to me and said, "Mr. Nan likes you."

I amusedly asked, "What do you mean?"

"My marriage with him is just a transaction, in fact, Nan Mu has always liked you, don't be too sad, in fact, I am nothing to him, Xi Sheng, Mr. Nan has always been your hero."

Kusunoki has always been my hero.

It's a hero I've been chasing all my life.

But so what?

I smiled and asked, "Yu Jian, are you trying to tell me - even if he marries a woman he doesn't love, he doesn't want me?"

Yu Jian was silent, not knowing how to answer my words.

I stood up and wanted to leave, but she immediately blurted out: "I have experienced despair and know the feeling of being betrayed by the man I love, but Nanmu is different after all, at least he has not betrayed you."

Yes, he didn't even have a chance to betray.

Because he never promised me from the beginning to the end.

But at that time, I didn't have much energy to care about Nanmu, I just wanted to give birth to the child in my belly peacefully.

I found Sister Liuwei and hoped that she could help me.

But I never expected Nanmu to cruelly take away my child, and he said coldly: "This is my seed, you are not worthy of birth."

Yes, I don't deserve to be born.

But it's the continuation of my life.

How can I tell him it's an extension of my life?!

I can't escape death after all, and this child is the glory of my life, how can I protect him?!

I didn't keep him, I begged Nanmu, I knelt down and begged him, hoping that he would let me go this time, I reached out and carefully pulled his sleeve, crying and begging him: "Brother Nanmu, this is Yanyan's child, don't you take him away?" This is Yan Yan's last hope, will you give him back to me? Brother Nanmu, I swear, as long as you keep this child, I will never pester you again in the future. ”

Yes, I will never pester him again.

There was no more chance to pester him.

I stopped all anti-cancer drugs in order to have this child, which accelerated the time of my death, but I felt that everything was okay, as long as I could bring him into the world safely.

But I didn't protect him after all.

At the moment of losing my child, I could only wait for death calmly, and I no longer had any expectations or extravagances for this world.

But fortunately, I'm still useful, I used my limited life to save Sister Liuwei once, even if my hand is crippled, I don't care.

I saw Kusunoki on the day my hand was crippled, and I obviously hated him, but I felt unusually calm in my heart.

I don't hate him anymore.

I don't have the time or energy to hate him.

In the next few months, I ran to Eastern Europe, but I felt that it was too warm and I felt a little uncomfortable, so I ran to Finland, where the weather was cold, and there was ice and snow, and the Aurora Aurora.

I waited peacefully in Finland to die, and I didn't contact anyone except my dad and Sister Liuwei until my former friend called me and asked me to go with them to a concert in Beijing.

I agreed, because I was still reluctant.

What are you not willing to give up?

In fact, I am just unwilling, holding my breath in my heart, why is the love I have chased for a lifetime so painful?

I saw Nanmu in the center of the stage, and his nominal wife was next to him, and I felt so sad that I couldn't help but shed tears as I sang the song, and I thought this time it was really goodbye.

I fled back to Finland, and during that time in Finland I started to suck because of the unbearable pain in my body, and those things can numb my nerves, and I rarely have a moment of clarity, and once I am awake, I paint, but my left hand does not look like anything like it.

I can't draw that back anymore, I write these words on the back of the painting in a decadent way, not expecting anyone to see it, just hoping that in ten or twenty years there will be something that can remember my love...... My rotten love.

I left Finland by boat, and my mobile phone kept ringing as I passed through a large area of sea.

The man who took away the extension of my life.

The man who has nothing to do with me.

He texted and asked, "Where?"

"Not going back to the U.S. for New Year?"

"Xi Sheng, answer the phone!"

"Xi Sheng, you have a good temper, don't let me catch you!"

……

He never caught me or wanted to catch me, and I smiled and wrote it down behind the painting.

Fragments, remember if you can.

I looked at the choppy sea at night, at this moment I felt unusually calm in my heart, I texted Sister Liuwei to say goodbye and put away the painting and mobile phone.

The bell rang at twelve o'clock.

Happy New Year.

My nineteenth New Year.

I'm still half a month away from turning 20.

After all, I can't get through it.

In this unknown sea, in this night, I could no longer stand the torture brought to me by the disease, I could no longer bear the grief in my heart, and jumped into the sea easily.

Goodbye, Kusunoki.

In this life, never again.

……

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