What does a competent mom really look like? On the one hand, Kong Ling hopes that her children will be independent, self-reliant, and not rely on her for everything, and hope that they will have the ability to control themselves and handle their own affairs well, but when she sees that her two children often keep their mobile phones with her, she feels a little anxious. Pen | fun | pavilion www. ｂｉｑｕｇｅ。 Every time they said two sentences, the two children said in unison, "Mom, you just take care of your own affairs, you don't have to worry about our affairs, we can take care of ourselves." "That being said, their clothes still have to be urged by Kong Ling again and again before they leave to wash, and they have to ask her to say their homework several times before they do it. Kong Ling is still relatively successful in cultivating children's labor habits, and after the sisters and brothers each turn ten years old, she does not ask, teaches them how to wash them by themselves, and the housework is also contracted by a family of four, each performing its own duties. Unlike many parents, their children have gone to college and send their dirty laundry home, relying on their parents to do the laundry. Such parents are overly doting, and the children they raise lack a sense of responsibility, are too dependent, and they can't deal with themselves when they encounter some life setbacks, and their own pain will also bring pain to their future partners. Kong Ling's consciousness still attaches great importance to cultivating children's independence.

Loving children is not about taking care of children's affairs. They must be given their own responsibility. Although there are many times when it is easier and easier to take responsibility on your own than to instruct them over and over again to let them do it themselves, it is not possible. This will be worry-free, and once the child develops a habit in the future, it will be a big trouble. So, she'd rather put in some effort now than let them learn to take it.

For example, at the beginning of the holiday, Kong Ling would ask them, do you have any projects you want to learn? If you want to study a project, sign them up. As a result, both children said that there was nothing they wanted to learn, okay, then they would study at home. Do their share of household chores, complete their holiday homework, and arrange the rest of the time by themselves, except for time when there are family group activities.

In this way, the two children are really relaxed, and both spend a lot of time on their phones, computers or TVs.

In the end, it doesn't matter? How? As long as you take care of your own affairs, you can spend the rest of your time on your own.

But......

Kong Ling wanted to pretend that he couldn't see it, but he felt that he was running away from the problem. If you look at them carefully, you can't help but want to say a few words about them, talk about them, they are not happy, and they feel that Kong Ling does not trust them, judges them, and thinks that they are not doing well.

Hey, it's hard to be a good mother. Kong Ling also wanted to trust them completely, feeling that they could do their best and didn't need their own control. However, there are still many times when they teach them a lesson. Why can't we see children living comfortably? Do you have to let them learn and learn according to their own wishes, and their state may absorb more information. They subconsciously know what they want and will arrange the best option for them.

Kong Ling asks himself to be completely relaxed, trusting, and relieved to do his best, and he also believes that the children will do their best.

She remembered the episode of Lai Peixia in "Super Speaker", and she gave a speech called "Why is happiness so difficult", which made people silent for a long time.

Lai Peixia used to be a singer, then a psychological counselor, and now a mother. She used her personal experience to tell everyone why happiness is so difficult:

"Let me ask you, if a family is a police officer and there is a thief, who is the traitor? If a family is all thieves and a policeman is out, who is a traitor?

I'm not going to talk about right or wrong here, I'm going to talk about the impact our families have had on us. In my 25 years as a counselor, the question I hear most often is the impact of our family of origin. In particular, we are going to talk about the values of the family of origin.

When your mother is full of grief, do you dare to be happy? Although a lot of people tell me, "I want to be happy." Yes, teacher, I want to be happy! ”。 But please really think about it, if your mother lives in grief and pain all her life, will you dare to be happy? My answer is, it's hard. Because happiness at this time is like a betrayal. There is simply no way for us to endure such guilt. Therefore, we would rather lose our own happiness than be happy, and dare not betray them.

My mother had a strong personality, and she used to tell me, and she thought that if it was the right thing, we had to fight for it. Because I love my mom so much, I listened to everything her mom said. Mom said that you can't talk behind other people's backs. That's right, if you have something to say, you have to say it to your face, right.

In my first marriage, when I saw the way my parents-in-law did things, and I couldn't agree with it, I continued my mother's teachings, I said it to my face. It turned out miserable, really miserable. In my mother's teachings, there is another thing that many parents have said. "I scolded you because I loved you, I scolded you because I loved you! Do you understand? Don't fight back! This child, looking at his mother, was full of love, but his face was hideous. The child has to convince himself that it turns out that it is love. Will this child grow up? Does he love his parents? How to love? He loved them the way his parents loved him back then. "I told you! Tell you to wear more clothes! What the doctor told you! Can't you understand anything? ”

I don't believe you would have said, "Hehe, you see that my children love me so much and scold me so fiercely." "I'm sure you're going to be sad because he's really listened to you. If we don't want our children to treat us in this way, we may not be able to teach our children in this way. Shall we be honest? I don't scold you because I love you. Come, let's take a deep breath. I scolded you because I didn't manage my emotions well.

My mother is a single mother, I love her very much, and I continue to love people the way she loves me. However, it was only when I was in my intimate relationship that I hit my head and bled out, that I realized it deeply. It turns out that the blame is not love, but the killer of marriage.

Is it hard to be happy? Difficult! But that was in the past, not the present. Now we have a lot of different channels to learn and understand what is so deeply affecting us. As long as we can be aware and let go of that opposition, we can see happiness, we can see intimacy, and we will get better and better. I know that you are extremely wise, and I am confident that you will open the doors of your happiness with your awareness. Like me, even if you once had a hard childhood, even if you were divorced, but today, happiness will sit on my shoulders. Finally, I would like to remind you that as long as we are willing to change, happiness is not difficult. ”

A sentence in Lai Peixia's speech caused everyone to think deeply: You are full of love, but your face is hideous. The face is hideous, the words are hurtful, that is not love, the truth of the fact is that "you can't manage your emotions".

The more important thing Kong Ling learned from this is that only happy and confident mothers can raise happy and confident children. If you want your child to be good, you must first be yourself!

A mother who is hesitant and confused will also raise a child who is hesitant and confused. By analogy, what kind of children will lazy and undisciplined mothers cultivate?

Therefore, Kong Ling's choice is to be a happy and confident mother, this is the invisible wings on the road to her dreams, she owns it, of course her children also have it, and people all over the world have it, but unfortunately, many people don't know that they have such a pair of invisible wings.

???????