Once again, I felt cold and lonely, this time more intensely than ever, and my cold soul could not help but tremble, "To live or to perish, this is the question", but I could not find the answer. The long-term reflection never gave me a definite response, only increased the uncertainty of the outcome.

"You kid, just say what you want, go around such a big bend, you know your mother is stupid, and you can't guess it?" Every time I wanted something, I would always talk long, long nonsense with my mother, and every nonsense was constantly guiding and approaching my purpose, and at the end of every time, my mother would always say this, and fulfill my wishes while talking. When I was a child, my wish was small and simple, and my mother could always do it easily, but I was no longer small, and gradually I grew up, and I no longer asked my mother to go around the bend, and later, I didn't even ask for it. Wishes, always with a bit of longing for color and concrete longing, but these over time, no longer exist, I have not had a desire for a long time, because I know that I can't do it, and my parents can't do it, so I also lost the happiness of my childhood, the happiness brought by simple possession, and now it is too difficult to have.

"They are all young people, why should I endure them, Mom, you tell me why I want to endure them, they are all human beings, why should I endure them?" When I grew up, I cried and asked her, "What they are doing is obviously wrong, not right, why should I bear it for the sake of so-called harmony?" "If suffering is a blessing, why does everyone want to take advantage?" I questioned her intermittently, tears covering my eyes and I sobbed. She was silent, silent, I couldn't see what kind of joy and sorrow was on her face, I could only feel silence, I could only open my eyes in the gradual silent crying, and then close my eyes, and the next time I opened my eyes, it would be a new day, a new day... The protector of childhood, now useless protector. Even if I know that she feels sorry for me, she can only feel sorry for me.

How did I pick up the pen? Picked up in sweet deception, picked up in repeated pain, picked up in the roar of emotion, picked up on the verge of collapse. In order not to become a waste person of the radio station, there are two paths in front of me, one is to run for the head of the editorial department, and the other is to join the online store, and the other is responsible for promotion and publicity. I didn't want to get caught up in the ministerial race, so I submitted an application to join the online store. Jin Tingting also submitted, but compared to her smoothness, I had many twists and turns. I remember that the minister who had not retired at that time came to me and said, "They (the broadcasters you worked with) have a high opinion of you", and after greeting each other back and forth, she said, "The online store is going to open a new program "Your My Time", can you write a manuscript?" "Maybe I misunderstood her original intention, but at that time, in her sentences, I did realize the meaning of your manuscript as long as you write it, the first episode of the program will use your manuscript. I easily refused to be trusted by others because I was afraid of being disappointed, but as long as I said yes, I did my best. That day, when Ah Fei and others were playing, I carried my schoolbag and walked into the library in Area C, fortunately it was not the review period at that time, there were a lot of empty places, I found a table near the window, and listened to Pu Shu's "Ordinary Road" over and over again, for the first time, I didn't want to quote anyone's sentences, just write about my own time, yes, it was the first chapter of this collection "Only I Wish to be Ordinary". If she explained to me that the show hadn't started yet, I would have matched it up in peace, but when I sent it to her with joy, she said, "I think you'd better revise it again." If other manuscripts are just revised, but this is my time, how do you ask me to revise them, I began to have the anger of being fooled, and this anger intensified, I quarreled with her, I used a lot of words to scold her, I remember me saying, "Who do you think you are, what right do you have to arbitrarily evaluate other people's time, and trample on other people's achievements at will?" She said: "Although she has worked hard to change herself in the past two years, she has not made great progress in the end. "There was a bit of sadness in the words, but where would I care then?" Don't you think it's ridiculous that people like you want to make progress? Those angry words could not relieve the anger in my heart, and I even asked her, "Is it because I am a soft-spoken person and not a famous writer that I will be treated like this, you just wait and see, one day, I will become a famous writer." "No, I expect your success." This may have been a sincere reply, but it made me even more angry, this fire burned my reason, burned my emotions, I used all the bitter words to scold her, and I burst into tears after the disappointment. That night, I approached a few people I didn't know about my situation (sometimes the more important things I didn't want to know about them). But after all, no one is completely desperate to stand on my side, and the people who watch the drama always have a fair axiom, but in some cases I hope that she/he can temporarily ignore right and wrong and stand on my side. Senior Sister Yanyan is that person, maybe because she was the deputy stationmaster who hadn't retired at the time, maybe because I always felt that she could understand me who was also timid, I found her. Yes, she lived up to my feelings, she was on my side, even after I apologized and reconciled with her (the manager of the online store) the next day, in the face of my repeated repetition in this short period of time, she was always on my side that I could trust. The courage of one enemy is better than the strength of one enemy hundred, not to mention that I am not alone, and Yanyan Senior Sister, I said that she is my nobleman, even if she is not very experienced, money, status person, but her choice makes me feel that she is precious, emotion is so irrational, but I like such irrationality.

But I was forced to admit my mistakes, but the resentment in my heart was a little more, the last online store editor wanted to shake off the burden, and my little question caused a quarrel again, this time I didn't want to go to Sister Yanyan, let alone go to the master, I don't know why they are always so busy, but I know that I can't disturb their busyness at will. They asked me to admit my mistake to that senior sister, I just didn't want to admit it in my heart, you can make me wrong on the test paper of life, but you can't let me admit it! So I quit the station, there is no one in such a radio station for me, and as for Master Yi Bing, I don't want to accompany me, because who will accompany me?

With the end of the retreat as the end of my quarrel, I left what I should have left, so I left without worry, to find my own way, I began to read, reading will change my thoughts, I began to record, record the occasional emotions, scattered even have a very thick book, but scattered after all is not as powerful as the whole, scattered sentences can not make up an article. However, who cares, I only choose words because there is no one to share the joys and sorrows with me, they are all busy, and the children in my heart can only find toys by themselves, but fortunately I found them, whether it is the words that choose or I choose the words, I don't know. But I have never been disappointed by this choice. Then my love for it is, when I pick up the pen, I never think about putting it down. When I knew that Leo Tolstoy had died in the process of creation, I was envious, how lucky I should be to be able to find what I like to do, to feel the value of my own existence and the meaning of my own existence in the things I like. If my time is going to freeze, please freeze it when I'm writing, it's a great gift to me, and I love the feeling of being able to grasp time.

From the time I first came into contact with literature, I thought that literature had the function of beauty, exhortation, and enlightenment, and I still see it that way. My mind is moving in the right direction in the winding road, ups and downs of the back and forth, what makes me happy is that some of my words can make others feel happy, at least for a certain period of time, she occasionally met on the playground, I don't know what Cheng Nan met, but I was very good with her during that time, reading makes you assertive, maverick ideas will always be amazing, I thought that friends who help each other can do it, but what do I think is it, I don't know the so-called beginning and I don't know when it ended, I don't even know when it was deleted, I'm sorry, she turned on friend verification, you're not his friend yet, so the data is cleared, everything is zeroed. I remember that I often told her to believe in miracles, because people who believe in miracles are miracles themselves, and I know that she was deeply moved at that time, but the moving is short-lived, and miracles always belong only to those who believe in miracles, and unfortunately, she no longer believes in them. Clear chat history, blank all of a sudden, delete the chat, so she also erased.

I thought that the relationship between me and Jin Tingting was not very good compared to her, at least I didn't chat often, and the conversation was just some etiquette and politeness, most of the time I always maintained an elegant strange distance, creation is always designed for mediocrity, or creation is the biggest vulgarity, the change and development of things is not up to me, she deleted me and chose to leave, but Jin Tingting and I gradually got closer and became good friends, the real vulgarity is always extra blood, but I have already adapted to this blood. "Hey! How can you eat instant noodles in the morning? Ah Xiang next door asked, I just smiled at him and continued to eat. In fact, you can eat whatever you want.

I am in the age of youth, I always have a middle-aged figure, but I don't have a middle-aged waist, I finally have nothing to ask for in school, give up all the empty words in the past, know my situation clearly, in short, know what I should do, so what to do. The school finally became bleak, and there was no surprise to be found, and the days dissipated in the busy but meaningless rush, leaving no traces, not even memory, can time really exist in the memory that does not exist?

It's something I don't know, but it's always a joy to come home because there are other reunions and memories that are filled with joy and carelessness. Zhang Peng, Tao Tao is my friend in high school, and he is also one of the few high school classmates who are still in contact now, of course, with our current relationship, there is no need to use classmates to narrate, because we are brothers. Taotao is a more thorough otaku than my seal.,He hardly goes out during the holidays.,Lie at home and learn the PS you're interested in.,Watch dramas.,Play games.,But that's pretty much it.,How much more can you do at home? I called him a few times when I went out, and he was also willing, so after a few plays, we will meet again on the next holiday. Almost every night when I go back, no matter how deep it is, it's always me and Peng together, walking to the barbecue restaurant we frequent, drinking what we want to drink, playing the glory of the king, chatting about happy topics, many times, our tacit understanding is rare, before we open our mouths, we almost know what the other party wants to say, after the other party speaks, I know how the other party reacts, and I know what kind of cooperation to give, this is a more real life than the play, but it is as transparent as knowing the script, between me and him. So many times if the other party's reaction is unexpected, it will surprise the other party, and then there will be laughter, which is very refreshing and never needs to be hidden. Of course, it's not just the two of us when we get together, there will be Tao Tao, his hair is small, my junior high school classmates, etc., the collective gathering is more or less estranged, and you can eat, drink and have fun to your heart's content. There are very few such group activities, only two or three times a holiday, after all, our time has become less ours, we have grown up and have freedom, but we always feel less free than before.

"I was so stupid when I was a child, I actually looked forward to growing up."

The group activity is a quick assembly, a quick start, a quick end, each back to their own home, each looking for their own mother. But during the holidays, Peng and I are often together, and in the middle of the night, the quiet and empty streets belong to us to some extent. We started from our homes and walked slowly and wantonly, and the small county town was trampled under our feet and in our pockets. Some of the street lights in the county town are lit all night, and most of them are turned off at midnight in the morning, and darkness comes in an instant, but we are not afraid, not afraid of the dark, not afraid of the light, and never follow our own hearts. On the long road, it is often the two of us, the shadow will melt into the darkness and appear in the light, and I often wonder what I am looking for in such meaningless actions, blind movements for no reason?

I saw Zhang Peng in junior high school, in a tutoring institution near the school during the holidays, when he was a little ruffian, and he was often surrounded by a bunch of people, like the boss. He often takes physical books like "Douluo Continent" to lend them to them, but they never return them, I don't like young groups very much, most of the fights and brawls in the school are caused by groups, deliberately stay away, but always look at the hardcover books in his hand with envy, people, it has always been like this! The next time I saw him, it was in high school, when I walked into the class, the first thing I saw was him in the corner of the wall, and he saw me, yes, we were both fat, but he was a little fatter than me, and fat was always impressive. And then it was even more coincidental that we dropped by, and then his family moved away, and then my family moved away, so we stopped by again. At the beginning, there were so many people in the class who walked along the way, and in the end, in the third year of high school, only the two of us were left, and the conversation on the road was mostly some ordinary topics, and now I feel bored when I think about it, nothing more than fantasy novels, games, and as for the content of learning, it is somewhat ignored. I study every day, but I don't like to study, and I occasionally have fun, but I am loyal to entertainment. Later, when we re-walked the road we have walked many times, we always regret that we didn't work hard enough, and we always think that we are not inferior to them, those students who entered 985. People have to make the right choice for themselves at the right time, and when we make the wrong choice, remorse is the price we pay for it. I remember that at that time, I always met on the weekends to go to the mountains to endorse books, but I always talked about the legends of the merry seniors, and in the stories of those who had never met were, we pinned our longings, with our desires, wishful thinking that Tsinghua University and Peking University were not dreams, thinking that as long as we worked hard, we could do it, and return home with the reality of others to accept our own reality. People always have to accept their own powerlessness, just like I only want to be ordinary, but I often yearn for the extraordinary, but the truth is that I am ordinary. But the most regrettable thing for us is that we don't have the determination to work hard, and we have to fish and dry nets all the time, so we keep the regret that if we work hard, we will not be worse than others to regret, but it is completely useless.

Later, Peng became a free normal student, he hated being a teacher, but the early batch of volunteers decided that he wanted to take this road, stable, he hated the days when he was as stable as water. In the days of college, he was crazy to mess around, making money as a tutor, and losing money because he dropped other people's mobile phones, and he was busy from 6 o'clock in the morning to 9 o'clock in the evening during the holidays, but his income was not much. Actions with remorse are always lacking in actionable steps, but actions are always a manifestation of life. There are always some parents who look at him as young and despise, there are always helpless bastards, and there are always wordless sneers, but who cares? Every time I finish a make-up class, as soon as he asks me to go on a trip, I will accompany me, and who cares in the night? Peng has an object, but it was divided, and after talking for 8 years, it was finally divided, because the family conditions of the two sides were not equal, life is not a novel, no one is the protagonist, there is no golden finger to change his life, and some are mostly stubborn people who bully young people and are poor.

The failure of love always has to find new sustenance, so Peng just wants to make money, make a lot of money, how many problems can be solved with money! is very rich, everything is smiling like flowers, spring is shining, there is no money, there are always more sneers, and there are still many snobbish people in this world. But how difficult and not easy it is to make money, but we can choose from poor travel, in every holiday we are both playing, both swimming, second-rate or not, whatever, who cares? No matter what, I'll always be there because I need to. Maybe it was because the lights were too bright that day, and we took pictures and wanted to make a fussy circle of friends, but how could he surpass me? He remembered all the knowledge from elementary school to high school (because of the need for make-up classes), how could there be an empty brain in the brain of an idle person like me.

"The scattered path of light reflects the beautiful past, and I look for your trace along the road with the rhyme left by the shadow...... As my slightly chubby body danced on the asphalt, I knew that even though the streamer had moved on to Sanshan, you and I had never been displaced in the fleeting time.

If the shadows have a sound, then let the song play in the twilight, so that the sunset at dusk will carry you and me into the deep night. If the shadow has a color, then let the colorful color penetrate through the clean glass, so that the halo of the clean glass will reflect your and my faces.

Even though most of the people in youth are soft-spoken and what they say is mostly nonsense, there are still people who accompany you to make trouble in the heavenly palace and daydream that the sun never sets. When the sharp and steep youth is out of breath and condensed, I know that youth is the road that you and I have to go on day and night.

Then let's go, every inch of the road ahead is illuminated by the presence of lights, and the decoration of flowers hanging under the street lamps on the street is not chicken ribs, but the surprises full of boiled water days. With your light, with your dust, with you to the destination of the great rivers and rivers, with you and me!

This year, the moon and the stars, the past years, the past months, the past people.

Splendid future, you and I embroider together. ”

Yes, you and I embroider together.

At that time, I went up the mountain mostly to escape the boredom of sitting at the table, but who would have thought that there were people living on the mountain, yes, Shao Ting was the one who lived on the mountainside, her mother and my mother were very good friends, but the friendship of the elders could not be easily passed on to future generations after all, I knew her, walked together, and went to her house, although we chatted very happily, but after all, I felt that something was missing, confidants are rare in the world, ordinary friends, that's it. Of course, it is indispensable to take the same car to school, but after all, there are a few, after all, it is not the same university. She was studying medicine, and gradually she was able to communicate so that I could know her joy and walk in, so I could know how wonderful life is! She told me a lot, mostly sporadic and concise narratives, after all, who cares about embellishment and rendering in science students, but I can also feel something from it, and I wrote them into "Lonely Soul" in the hope that I can encourage her and help her. On a tall building, the children in the text can look down on the world, but after all, I am still in the world, and the world is colorful for me, for her, and for everyone...... A long-flowing friendship is always better than a vigorous friendship, and I hate violent rapids more and more, because after the torrent is always a calm slow stream, reality is calm, so why resist the calm, the thirst will eventually return to the calm of the fierceness?

No one can accompany us all the time, how many people just go together for a while and then part ways, even if we are very reluctant, with how many goodbyes to comfort, with long-term promises to stay, goodbye will still be said. 41 Dust (see 41 for some information), she liked the nickname I gave her, which means that even if it is a very small dust, it is a sandstorm when it floats. We met to study, not during the period of revision and preparation, and most of the exchanges I did were talking about my feelings, and she cried when she listened to it, which is rare, because her crying was only because my story caused her to remember. What a sadness it would be if a memory weeps just by remembering it! 41 I have taken the college entrance examination several times and come to this university, I have been deceived by my best friends and it is difficult to get out of the shadow of the past, how long will it take for people who are dominated by painful memories to gradually forget and come out with new excitement after the washing of time? It varies from person to person, but it will always happen. The days of walking together make me happier, these days now think of my monologue, the climax of the story is gone, the end will always come quickly, so the only thing I can do is to tell each other, I cherish the days with you, all relationships are just to determine the intersection between you and me, how I and you are different from others, so that I can use a smile as a farewell when parting, after all, the brain will help me remember everything I want to remember.

Some people are born in the light, there is never a shortage of flattering smiles, and warm sunshine spreads throughout the course of life; Some people are born in the dark, there is never a shortage of icy irony, and the cold wind is as cold as a knife throughout the stage of life. But I always feel that the solitude in the dark is always better than the noisy gathering in the sun, the lone wanderer will more or less feel the emptiness and vanity of life, but I always feel that people who have not felt the emptiness and vanity of life are also difficult to grasp the truth of the essence of life, the light in the eyes of the lone wanderer may be more dazzling than the sun, everything in the world is growing in the light, the darkness of the stage is difficult to cover the overall warm sun, then walk alone.