CHAPTER XXVI

The calm Fu Buyi was drinking, not knowing where to look ahead. He sighed. Lisa's encouragement made him want to talk about the past that he didn't want to mention.

"You say, as an ordinary family, ordinary people, what kind of daughter-in-law do you want to find the most? When I was young, I was very aware that I had to find someone who could make a living. So I found my ex-wife. As I wished, housework, taking care of the children, she did it all by herself. But, due to personality reasons, they eventually broke up. Soon after, the unit was restructured and I was laid off. Work, marriage, double whammy, my depression was severe. Why do I say that, I think because of my personality, I was depressed when I was a child. Fortunately, Yangyi has always been with me, so that I can persist to this day. As you get older, perhaps the criteria for choosing a mate will change. I think what I'm really looking for is the kind that is simple, kind, and scheming. So I found my first girlfriend after the divorce. She doesn't dislike me for having no job or money, she just wants me to be good. However, a simple and non-material woman does not mean that she has no bottom line. At that time, due to depression, I was disconnected from society and out of my social circle. I don't want to go out, I don't want to work, I just want to stay at home. As a result, I was supported by my parents. Because of this, I fell below her bottom line. Or perhaps, to put it mildly, she doesn't see the future in me. She told me that no matter how much you earn, as long as you are willing to work, you will not starve to death. After that, I could clearly feel that she was alienating me. We're out of it. ”

"Later, I was forced to work several jobs to make ends meet. During my work, I met my second girlfriend. That's what happened today. She didn't dislike me either. I'm glad I met two good women. But a good woman doesn't mean she's destined for you. A good woman deserves it, but it depends on whether you deserve it. She is the type who dares to love and hate. Excellent, competent. Start your own small business. She offered to woo me. But I have low self-esteem and feel that the gap between the two is too big. I didn't dare to accept her. I told her that we were not suitable. But she told me that there was no right fit, only whether you wanted to do it or not. I was touched by this statement. We're in this together. ”

"Our personalities are opposite, complementary. She completely made up for the flaws in my character. When I have something to do, when I have a dispute with someone, she knows that I can't handle these situations, so she always takes the initiative to help me solve them. And she'll be happy to help me. ”

"She knew I didn't have any money, so she didn't ask me for anything. Instead, she would take the initiative to invite me to dinner and buy me fruit. And I always insisted on one thing in my relationship with her, I can't give her anything, but I will never spend her money. So whatever she spends on me, I'll give her back flowers. Maybe it's because of me that she wants to continue to associate with me. At least that's what I think. No matter how humble you are, as long as you insist, someone will recognize and respect you. ”

"There is one thing that I will never forget. Once shopping, she fell in love with a string of crystal bracelets. The list price is two pieces of five. She said to me, "Buy this and give it to me." I bought it and she was happy. At that time, I thought to myself, two five-piece bracelets, I want to see how long you can wear them. Half. She wore it for half a year. Later, it was thrown away because the rope was broken and the beads were lost. I was touched again. No matter how simple and materialistic a woman is, her heart is also eager for the man she likes to buy something for her. It's not about material things, she just wants to show the other person's love for her in this way. ”

"Once, I was in a car accident. She gave up her business and came to the hospital to take care of me. For more than half a month. She made a lot less money as a result. But she didn't say anything. I saw it all. The more she treated me, the more guilty I felt. The low self-esteem makes me feel uneasy. She is completely paying for a relationship that has no future. I can't afford it. ”

"We've been together for the fourth year. Suddenly one day, she sent me a message. She said, my dad said to me, it doesn't matter if the person you're looking for has money or not, as long as he's good to you. I immediately understood what that meant. She was going to show me to my parents, and in order to dispel my concerns, she directly expressed her father's attitude. With low self-esteem, I felt shameless to face her family. I didn't reply. A few days later, she reposted the passage again. I didn't reply. ”

"The turning point in our breakup finally came. Five years ago, her father suddenly fell ill and died. It was also due to my low self-esteem and reluctance to face her family. I didn't go to mourn. And for her, I only made a phone call to comfort her. I don't really comfort people. I know I'm doing a terrible job in this matter. But, there is nothing I can do. She didn't say anything, as always. But I know I hurt her. ”

"After a while, we had conflicts and quarrels. She finally spoke her grumbling. She said to me, "When my father died, so people came to comfort me, but what about you?" What are you doing? I'm speechless. After that, she distanced herself from me. And I didn't make amends. I know it's time to wrap it up. I finally lost her. I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Maybe I should be glad that I finally don't have to carry this heavy feeling. The subconscious tells me that it's right to let go. I should put it down. I can't afford her to be nice to me. Or that I am sane and rational. ”

"Later, we became so-called friends in social media. We didn't make small talk, we just talked to each other when we needed each other's help. And so it is until now. ”

"I'm not sad to lose her. There was no reaction at all. Maybe it's because I think it's the right thing to do. If I'm doing the right thing, why should I be sad? But I also felt that maybe it was my depression, or something, that I couldn't feel and express. I didn't have great joy or sorrow. I also don't have a calm mood, I'm always in a state of anxiety and irritability. But I always felt that there was a sadness in my heart. It weighed on my heart. I don't have the ability, the method, the channel, to express, to adjust, to vent. Always press that. ”

It seems that Fu Buyi has finished speaking. He drank in silence. Lisa listened quietly. She wasn't jealous.

Long. Lisa felt that the company of listening and meditation did not have a soothing effect on Fu Buyi, and did not achieve any effect. She felt that he hoped that she could do something for him at this time, and she also hoped that she could do something for her beloved at this time.

What can be done? Physical contact can be soothed, which is the primal need and instinct of human beings. It's like when a baby is crying, the moment it is picked up, it quiets down.

Lisa slowly raised her hand, wanting to put it on Fu Buyi's shoulder to appease her, wanting to carry out this ritual appeasement again. In mid-air, her hand stopped, because Fu Buyi sang a song. "It seems that heaven and earth are choosing me and you, if I have also met life and death again, I have no choice but to say goodbye to you with tears and heartache, and I can't replace you at this time." It seems that Fu Buyi has lost control at this time. He choked up and then cried. He's venting. The low and sad cry, coupled with this tune and lyrics, infected everything around him except Lisa.

Lisa was stunned and surprised. muttered, "Unexpectedly, you actually sang this song?"

Which song? Ekin Cheng's "Willing to Replace You". Anyone who has seen Tricky Boy is familiar with Haonan who is heartbroken by the death of the little stammer. This song is the background song for that episode. The key lies in the name of the song.

Willing to replace you. Fu Buyi wants to die for his predecessor?

Lisa was stupid. So what is she? What is she doing here? She came to him and wanted to appease him, but it was completely her own wishful thinking and self-inflicted affection. He recounts his past, sings his own songs, and immerses himself in his sad world. And she, at this point she's just air, a tree hole, or something. And what about in those three months? What is she? What is these three months?

When you feel that you are a superfluous existence in front of someone you care about very much, you will feel that you are a superfluous existence in this world. You are dust, meaningless.

Slowly, stiffly, Lisa withdrew her hand that had stopped in the air, and at this moment she wanted to chop off this hand, which she felt was as redundant as she was. In Fu Buyi's life, it is meaningless. She nodded slightly, as if to confirm something, or to determine something. She picked up a bottle of wine, was alone, and left. Silently. She wasn't afraid of disturbing him, and she couldn't bother him at all.

Since the wind refuses to stay, the dust can only drift away.

She, alone, floated down the street. Aimless. The saddest and most desperate cry was not crying, but at this time, Lisa was like this, her face was expressionless, but she was in tears. Drinking. She just wants to drink, she just wants to float. She didn't recall the bits and pieces of their three months, she couldn't remember anymore. She rejects memories, rejects the past, and her body's instincts shield them all. The only thing she can remember is the song that Fu Buyi sang. "No matter how the wind has risen, I just want to look at you and stand up to sorrow and sorrow, just because I have you in my heart, and I never give up the memory of Lu Yao's long night."

"Why are you singing this song?" Lisa was hoarse.

Excellent people have little pride in their hearts.

As good as her, the little pride in her heart, along with her self-esteem, was all lost and trampled on. Everything, then not worth it. For the first time in my life, I experienced humility. Even if she was abandoned back then, she never felt this way. It's true.

When the wine was finished, she went to the dumpster and wanted to throw away the empty can. She suddenly felt that this empty wine jar was her relationship, and in an instant, in an instant, it became garbage and was about to be thrown away. She was reluctant, clenched in her hands, and clenched. However, the fate of garbage is to be thrown away. Finally, bang, Lisa threw away the empty wine jar. At the same time, she felt that she herself was also used as garbage and was thrown away by Fu Buyi. The garbage bin is where she belongs.

How you position yourself internally determines your state of mind. If you think you're garbage, you're garbage, don't blame someone for throwing you away.

Lisa feels that what she has experienced is not a three-month relationship with an undetermined relationship, but a three-year bitter relationship. She was completely hollowed out by this relationship. Her five senses have been lost, the light in her heart is dimming, and the heat in her heart is fading.

A speck of dust is not worthy of a soul. When you are down, your soul will turn against you. Therefore, a down-and-out person has no soul. The soul began to resent her, and was withdrawing from her body, ready to defect.

People who have no emotions are the walking dead. She fell out of love. Inside, painful, suffocating, wanting to explode, wanting to release. She came to the roadside stall and ordered anything, and the point is, she had to order wine. She doesn't have the energy to care about what others point at her, and at the moment she is a thorough, a typical, emotionally frustrated, drunk girl.

She drank too much. I drank so much for the first time in my life. "Fu Buyi, you bastard." Lisa slammed her fists into the table.

Life not only gives us inspiration, but sometimes it also gives us hints. It's just that we didn't understand it earlier.

Lisa was in too much pain for her to bear. She was confused, and the only thing left in her mind was her good sister who could support her at a critical moment, Linlin.

Sister Linlin sent her home and stayed behind to take care of her.

She felt that the headache, the effect of alcohol, would turn heartache into a headache. This may be the reason why sad people have to drink. Heartache must be transferred, because heartache is not the person who dies, it is the heart.

She wished she had just died at this point. There is no nostalgia. The sunshine, health, optimism, and positive attitude that used to be are all gone. Death was her only choice. If she could get up at this point, she would definitely go looking for a knife. She hoped that Sister Linlin would also give up on her at this time. The reason she came to her was not to continue to support her and take care of her, but to hand her a knife to help her get free.

If you happen to pass by a high monk at this time, you will definitely laugh at the infatuated men and women in the world. I can't see through it, I can't put it down. She is not a high monk, she cannot be a high monk. She used this pain to verify that she is an ordinary man, an ordinary man who will be bound by feelings.

Sister Linlin asked for leave for Lisa. Pan Yan was also very distressed. Considering the current situation, Lisa was simply given a month's leave to repair, mitigate, and adjust. How can the emotional wound be repaired, alleviated, and adjusted in a month?

Fu Buyi sent a message, "I have returned to Xiangshi to attend her memorial service, and I will not come to the provincial capital for the time being." ”

When Lisa saw the message, she didn't react at all. Where Fu Buyi goes or what he does has nothing to do with her. Her body is empty, her brain is empty, and her heart is empty. No. It's not empty, it's shriveled. Empty, at least there's air in it. And shriveled up, there's nothing left in it.

A week has passed, and Fu Buyi has no news. A month has passed, and there is no news from Fu Buyi. Lisa was desperate. It's time to end, it's time to say goodbye.

For this relationship, Lisa is unwilling. How does it end? How to say goodbye? There has to be a sense of ritual. The term ritual came about a few years ago. Why are more and more people pursuing a sense of ritual? Out of pride? Respect? Awe? Or ...... Lisa didn't know, and she didn't want to know. She only felt that through the sense of ritual, it seemed that she could comfort herself with something. Solace? It's better to say it's a memorial. Paying tribute to the past.

Is every step in life wrong? Otherwise, where is the sacrifice? Just after the sacrifice of youth, I want to pay tribute to the past.

What is considered a sense of ritual? What exactly is to be done? Just take another month off.