chapter3(2015)

February, tavern.

Yes, I haven't seen Meow Lin all of January.

There was no reply from WeChat contact.

Until today, I saw Lin Meow sitting in the tavern by himself.

"How long have you been crying?" I looked at Lin Meow's red and swollen eyes and asked her.

She didn't answer.

"Haven't eaten in a few days?" Lin Meow's face is no longer bloody, she is always like this.

Still didn't answer.

I'm like a helpless transparent person.

Watching her drink quietly and slowly by herself.

She was so sad that tears fell into her glass.

The pale face with red and swollen eyes, and the tears on the cheeks make people sad to watch.

I didn't dare to say anything, something must have happened to her, and I had to wait for her to speak.

"Lin...."

I was just about to say, Lin Meow, you should eat something, but she spoke.

"She died. My mom."

"In her own home."

"Her illness was severe, and the cancer spread throughout her body."

"I didn't see her for the last time."

"In fact, by the end of the day, it was already difficult for her to speak."

"Two days before she left, I went, and when I saw her, she was sick beyond recognition."

"Because of the edema, her facial features can no longer be seen, she used to be so beautiful."

"She was in a lot of pain and couldn't lie down, her home was cold and she was sitting on the bed."

"I came, and she raised her hand to cover her face, and her hand was also very swollen."

"I shook her hand and told her if we were okay going home."

"She kept nodding her head and saying, 'When she's better.' ”

Lin Meow's eyes were open, and tears kept flowing.

I looked at the way she looked, and for the first time I didn't hold back and shed tears.

"She couldn't speak clearly, and she couldn't see me, but she said something very clear out loud."

"She said, let me have some food."

"I went there at night, and she probably heard that I hadn't eaten."

Lin Meow's eyes looked at the desktop, and I secretly wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes.

"Lin, a lot of people don't let me cry,"

"They say that if crying solves the problem, then it is better to cry together."

"My mom was sick, miserable, dead, and I couldn't cry."

"Why?"

Lin Meow was a little excited.

"Lin, you know what."

"The painful thing is that painful, it won't do you any good."

"When you go through pain, you will despair and feel that you have lost the meaning of life."

"But in fact you are still alive, although it is meaningless, but your vital signs are still there."

"You have to keep doing what you have to do."

"And then slowly you find yourself becoming more ruthless, stronger, and more resilient than before."

"But pain is still pain, it hasn't changed."

"Lin, I just had some chills before, but now my heart is completely frozen."

"Lin Meow, you don't want to be like this.... You ......" I choked up a little.

I don't know why I'm choking.

Maybe it's because of Lin Meow's heart-wrenching tone and words with tears.

I don't know what to do.

All I could see was her eyes becoming confused.

Or as she said, there is something ruthless and strong.

"Lin, you don't have to sympathize with me, in fact I don't like this."

"A lot of people started sympathizing with me and then left."

"I'm getting impatient and I'm not accepting it."

"I don't know your name, you're just a stranger to me."

Lin Meow was drunk.

"Okay, I don't sympathize, Lin Meow, don't drink it."

"You've drunk too much today, I'll give you something to eat, don't you see how bad your face is."

"I can't eat, you know, when I'm hungry, I look at the food in front of me and I think, what it would be like for us to eat together with my mom. And then I couldn't eat it anymore. ”

"That's good, Lin Meow, you take it a long time, but don't drink, okay."

I sat down on the couch on one side of her side and took the glass out of her hand.

She didn't resist.

"Lin Meow, you rest for a while, I'll accompany you by my side."

I rested her head lightly on my shoulder, and she closed her eyes, and she could tell that she was also tired, with a pale face, chapped lips, and undried tears.

"There's nothing left." Lin Meow muttered.

Winters are long in the north, and in February and March, the weather is still cold.

When I saw Lin Meow again, spring was almost here.

About a month after her mother's death, Lin Meow was busy with her mother's funeral.

You have to go to worship, you have to deal with the inheritance.

During this time, I only saw Lin Meow two or three times.

When she's in bars, she's always reticent.

One night in April, the trees in the city had already sprouted.

I came to the bar again and waited for Lin Meow.

Around 11 o'clock, Lin Meow came.

I ordered a glass of juice for Lin Meow.

"How's it going?" I asked

"My mother's funeral is over."

"When she got sick, I mean depression, she didn't have any friends and she didn't go to work."

"There was no one at the funeral, and it ended in a hurry."

Lin Meow's face was full of exhaustion, eye bags, and dark circles.

"Still not sleeping well?" , I asked.

"Well, I'm tired."

"On the day my mother was cremated, when I came home in the evening, Lin Haisheng saw me crying, got angry with me, yelled at me, and asked me to come out of my grief quickly."

Lin Meow's expression was very indifferent.

I felt helpless.

"Lin, I was a coward when I was a child."

Lin Meow's face did not have any expression, and her voice was calm and low.

I didn't speak.

"Ever since I knew my mom was different from others, I started to learn to smirk."

"At that time, the people around me didn't know the word depression."

"People just say my mom isn't normal."

"Relatives at home don't want to see her because she doesn't go to work."

"And I seem to be pretending to survive."

"Even if I hate them talking about my mother, even if I see Lin Haisheng beating my mother, I still have to laugh at them."

"Pretend I don't care, pretend I'm having a good time."

"Less than a week after my mother died, Lin Haisheng asked me to go to the bank and lie in order to let me withdraw my mother's deposit, saying that she was sick and wanted to withdraw money."

"At that time, I was in a state of extreme sadness and did not want to go."

"He yelled at me, and his face was so twisted and vicious."

"My mother, she is beautiful and kind, why did she marry a devil-like person and give birth to me again?"

Lin Haisheng is Lin Meow's father.

Since Lin Meow's mother died, she has called her father by her name in front of me.

Later, when we met, she still didn't want to talk much.

But she changed a lot, she no longer ate ice, and she didn't drink a lot of alcohol anymore.

End of April

When we met again at the bar.

Lin Meow finally opened her mouth to tell me about her again.

"Some time ago, I was exhausted."

"Lin Haisheng divorced my mother very early."

"Among my mother's inheritance, there is a house and some savings."

"The heirs are me and my grandmother."

"But I just want to run away, I don't want to think about it."

"But they kept pushing me."

"Human nature is really vicious."

"My uncle asked me for money in my grandmother's name."

"Lin Haisheng urged me to sell the house and ask me for money."

Lin Meow leaned her head against the sofa and looked at the ceiling.

She sighed, "It's so tiring to be alive." ”

Then he closed his eyes, but there were no tears.

In June, the Qing bar near Lin Meow's school.

For most of the year, he had the least contact with Lin Meow.

I didn't see her for the whole of May.

"I'm completely disconnected from that home."

Lin Meow took a sip of Long Island Iced Tea.

"It's been a wonderful month."

"I gave Ah Jin away."

I was speechless in shock.

"After my mother died, I took Ah Jin home."

"I cry every night, and Ah Jin actually jumped up to me and licked my tears."

"But Lin Haisheng always scolded it and didn't let me raise it."

"He scolded me and Ah Jin."

Lin Meow took another sip of wine

"When I sent Ah Jin away, I didn't say anything."

"I quietly listened to Lin Haisheng scolding me."

"Then the next day, contact my uncle to handle the inheritance and sell the house."

"It's just that the process is more cumbersome, and I have to run back and forth between the two cities."

"After distributing it to grandma, I didn't give the rest of the money to Lin Haisheng, I saved it myself."

"Now, I don't want to have anything to do with him."

"I won't let Lin Haisheng control anything about me anymore."

"What about Ah Jin? Can you still get it back? I asked.

"I'm not looking for it." Lin Meow replied.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

"I'm going to remember that feeling forever."

Lin Meow's face was expressionless, and his tone was flat, but it made me feel full of surprise.

I looked at Lin Meow and couldn't speak.

I wanted to persuade her, but I was afraid that I was not her, and I would not fully understand what kind of mood she was feeling.

Because of Lin Meow's mother, Lin Meow took a lot of leave.

So much so that I didn't take the final exam and applied for the deferred examination of three professional courses.

When I saw her again, it was already her summer vacation.

"Do you think it's necessary for me to go to school?" Lin Meow asked me.

I'm confused.

"A lot of times, I see a lot of things, and others will attribute it to me that I studied psychology."

"Actually, it's because I'm me, that's why I studied psychology."

I'm still confused.

"I don't know a lot because I studied psychology, but I am essentially a sensitive person who is good at perceiving the psychology of others."

"It's similar to when you hear some truth of agreement, you agree with it in your heart before you hear it."

"Now that my mom is gone, I don't know what the point of me studying psychology is."

"But a diploma is still important."

"But I don't really have much motivation anymore."

Lin Meow was talking to herself.

After Lin Meow's mother died, she was depressed a lot.

She told me that for quite some time, she couldn't sleep and drank every night.

This year, Lin Meow didn't have a birthday.

I contacted her and she said she didn't want to celebrate her birthday.

On her birthday, I guess she must have been drinking at home by herself.

In the first half of 2015, I saw Lin Meow very little.

But I could still clearly feel the change in her.

She's a lot stronger.

But as she said, being strong comes with some ruthlessness.

At the beginning of July, let's clear it.

Lin Meow and I drank silently.

Without Ah Jin, Lin Meow and I suddenly had a lot less to talk about.

"Lin Meow, how do you want to spend Christmas this year?"

"Christmas? It's still early. ”

"yes, I'm asking you right now because I've got a Christmas gift for you."

Lin Meow was very curious and kept asking me.

But I didn't tell her because I wanted to surprise her.

In the following days, I went on a business trip for three months because of work.

But in the past three months, I have been talking to Lin Meow on WeChat almost every day.

We sometimes have a relaxed chat.

Sometimes they don't say anything and do what they do.

But the call keeps going.

After Lin Meow's mother died, Lin Meow's heart seemed to be even more lonely.

Ah Jin also had a companion when he was there.

It's a pity that even this companionship has been lost now.

How could I not know the feeling of loneliness.

I can feel that she is happy to call Lin Meow every day.

Actually, because we all need companionship.

Three months later, when I saw Lin Meow again, she was much more beautiful.

Autumn, Lin Meow's favorite season.

Lin Meow and I sat in the stands of the school playground.

"Lin Meow, we've known each other for two years." I say

Lin Meow closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh air. "Well, yes, time flies."

"I like you very much." I said it very quietly.

I looked at Lin Meow, her eyes were still closed, and she didn't speak.

I don't know if she heard it.

At least I confessed, and I consoled myself like this.

After what happened on the playground, I acted like nothing had happened.

I still meet Lin Meow for a drink and chat.

Lin Meow is not abnormal.

Lin Meow obviously doesn't like classes as much as she used to.

She began to skip classes a lot, often going to the coffee shop to sit for a day.

Watch a movie or do your homework.

In the evening, he went to the Qing Bar with me to drink and chat.

She has less emotion about life.

In November, clear bar.

"It's going to be another year, and I haven't done anything I like."

Lin Meow took a sip of lemonade and said to me.

"I'm lonely, so when I find someone who is just as lonely, I'm curious."

She suddenly turned her head and asked me, "Do you know Li Jian?" ”

I nodded, waiting for her next words.

“

I've been listening to his songs lately. ”

"In the past, I always liked someone's qualities, and then listened to his songs by the way, such as Leslie Cheung, or I liked someone's songs, but I didn't pay much attention to this singer, such as Eason Chan."

"Li Jian is an exception, I listened to his songs first, and I liked it very much. Then I got to know this person briefly through some interviews, and I was attracted. ”

Lin Meow said that the way she likes a person is very simple,

"I don't like crowds of fans, I just want to listen to his songs quietly and learn from him."

"And he made me understand that in the end, you will find that the most attractive person is not the most beautiful person who speaks words, but the person who does what he should do in a down-to-earth manner."

After that day, I also started listening to Li Jian's songs.

December

The cold winter is coming, Lin Meow is on vacation, and we are meeting more and more often.

Almost three or four nights a week, we meet at the bar.

But Lin Meow never asked for my phone, and so did I.

She said that there used to be people like me who had a good conversation with her.

Later, the other party wanted to have a more intimate relationship with her.

Lin Meow was very helpless, when she met such people, she avoided them one by one.

So I didn't dare to cross the boundary in Lin Meow's heart and sit firmly in the stranger seat she set.

Lin Meow admired Li Jian very much, and to my surprise, her originally cold heart seemed to have some temperature.

"You know what, Lin, it's exciting for a lonely person to meet a role model, even if it's someone you don't know at all."

I smiled, "Lin Meow, at this moment, you seem to have suddenly changed back into a child, and you like your idol." ”

Lin Meow explained it this way:

"In this world that goes with the flow, there are very few people who dare to swim against the current, at least not a few I know."

"In my life, I have always lacked role models, no people to learn, and I think I lack a spiritual strength."

"And Li Jian, a singer, he brought me a certain hope, he did things that I didn't dare to do, for example, he didn't force himself to change, he only made his own music."

"The most important thing is that he succeeded in the end, and for whatever reason, it was his talent. His songs are so good. Maybe I'm partial to original singers to some extent. ”

"And myself, in my 20s, I have forced myself to change, I will not speak out, hide my true self in lies, and then I don't want to say things against my will, so I hide my true self in silence."

"I lamented the helplessness of the world, and used this as an excuse to do nothing."

I crossed my hands into fists, supported my chin, and watched Lin Meow finish this big string of words.

I didn't say it before, Lin Meow is a person who likes music very much.

When she was lonely and sad, I remember she telling me.

"Luckily, there's music," she said. ”

Lin Meow bought a folk guitar by himself, but he never learned it well.

She told me that this winter, I should learn guitar by heart.

She also hopes to buy a piano in the future, and she will drink and listen to Bach's music in her own home.

But Lin Meow is very pessimistic.

She imagined the future for me, but she said to me,

"Lin, I always feel that the things I imagined in my mind will not become reality."

Christmas, let's do it.

Because of the festival, there are a lot of people in the store.

Lin Meow and I still chose a relatively quiet location.

Lin Meow was in a good mood.

"I love the festive atmosphere." Lin Meow said.

"Lin Meow, I think you still like to be lively."

"Even though you close yourself off, it's actually acquired."

"I think you can try to get back to where you really are."

Lin Meow smiled.

"The geese have left some traces when they happen."

"I've experienced so many things, how can I not leave some traces."

"These traces are who I am now, and I am who I am now."

"What you asked me to find is actually the past me, but the past is gone."

I was speechless when Lin Meow said something.

I took out the gift I had prepared for Lin Meow.

Lin Meow exclaimed.

The gift I had for her was a white kitten.

"Lin Meow, I know you're sad to lose Ah Jin."

"So I hope this kitten can help Ah Jin continue to accompany you."

Lin Meow was speechless happily, one was teasing the kitten, and kept saying thank you to me.