When I arrived at the hospital, it was already half past five, and the coach took me directly to the ward area. Mu Zheng leaned on the bed, as if he had just laid down, and Huang Minxue and his father sat on the edge of the bed. I shudder just by looking at the look in their father and son eyes. Things may be much more serious than I thought.

"Have you done the check?"

The three of them nodded slightly. It was done before the doctor got off work, and Mr. Huang said that the specific results would not be available until tomorrow.

"We won, didn't we?" Mu Zheng didn't have any spirit at all. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, how could I have thought that not long ago he was still running on the pitch and desperately trying to score the winning goal for us. It was a tough season, and Mu Zheng's goal gave us our first win, so that Yizhong could barely tell himself after three rounds that we were still alive.

I nodded very hard.

"One to zero?"

"One to zero."

"Great." He smiled with relief and leaned back on the pillow, "This is my last game, just win." ”

"Where? It's up to you to get back to home. I said, glancing at Xuexue on the side. He also stretched out his hand and slapped Mu Zheng's exposed arm.

But he just shook his head faintly, like a clock that was about to stop vibrating.

"Have you told Mr. Zhou?" The coach asked Mr. Huang, who shook his head and said that Mu Zheng would not let him speak. The coach asked why. Mu Zheng said that her mother went to Shanghai this week and didn't want to disturb her.

I was so sad to hear that. Why are my friends like that? Always hold things up and take it on your own. Mi Le is like this, and so is Mu Zheng.

"You kid." I felt that the coach's voice had changed, and she gently stroked Mu Zheng's forehead, reproachful and distressed. These teachers have all grown up watching Mu Zheng and Xuexue since childhood, and they know them well. No one said much, and seemed to acquiesce in and respect the decision made by Mu Zheng.

"Thank you for coming to see me today. Teacher Huang, Teacher Wang, Xuexue, and the captain...... It's time for you to go back. I still have to cook at home. "I know Mu Zheng must be uncomfortable right now, but he's trying his best to behave a little better, and maintain his long-standing sunshine and politeness, so that everyone can feel at ease enough to leave him here alone.

"Let's stay a little longer. Wouldn't it be nice for everyone to talk? Teacher Huang said.

"It's okay, Mr. Huang, it's really okay. You have your own business. I can handle it. He struggled to lift his arm up, clenching a fist that looked like it still had a glimmer of strength. But he laughed so hard that I couldn't fool me.

"Dad, Teacher Wang, captain, you all go back. I accompany him. "Doctrine," as it used to be. ”

"You haven't done your homework yet." Mu Zheng shook his head, the amplitude was so small that it was invisible, but he did shake it, "Go back and write." ”

"When, you're still giving me homework? Is homework so important that it can be eaten? Xuexue's answer is so impulsive, I guess there are few students in the world who dare to say this kind of thing in front of the teacher.

They didn't blame Xuexue, and the coach patted him on the back.

"Anyway, the result has to come out tomorrow, so why don't you come back tomorrow?" Mu Zheng seemed to be coaxing Xuexue, as if Xuexue was a sick child who needed to take care of his emotions.

"The ......" I hadn't spoken for a long time, and suddenly I had an urge to make a better suggestion. They all looked at me, and it was probably then that they realized I existed.

"I've finished my homework, and there's nothing to do at home, so I'll be here with Mu Zheng for a while today, right?"

They didn't answer. I lowered my head and quietly rubbed my shoe against the ground.

"It's fine. I'd love to talk to the captain. Let's all go back and see you tomorrow, okay? Mu Zheng actually agreed, the two teachers had no opinion, got up and said a few words to Mu Zheng about eating well and paying attention to rest, and then left with Xuexue. I escorted them out of the door of the ward, and Xuexue grabbed me from behind the door.

"Captain, I'll leave it all to you." His voice trembled, as if in prayer or pleading. No, it wasn't just his voice that trembled, I saw him tremble in front of me, and it gave me the illusion that the bright lights in the hospital corridor seemed to be shaking with him. I suddenly felt the gravity of the matter, and Xuexue was handing over an extremely important task to me.

"Don't worry." I couldn't help but open my arms, and he didn't hesitate to hug me and strangled me very tightly. His forehead hit my Adam's apple, and there was a choked feeling in his throat.

"You promise me that when I come tomorrow, Mu Zheng will be fine."

I must have said yes more than once or twice, until he let go of me and obediently went home with Mr. Huang.

This is really not like the Huang Minxue I know, the child who can grit his teeth and hold on to the ground when he is injured and falls to the ground. He was on the verge of crying in the hospital room, and when he let go of me, I realized that I had a wet lump on my shoulder. He must have been unwilling to let Mu Zheng see it.

No, if you say that, learning is still that learning. He hasn't changed.

I went back to the ward. Mu Zheng lay on the bed weakly, his eyes half-closed and half-open. I pulled a chair in front of his bed, but I didn't know what to say when I sat down. In the end, he opened his mouth first, asked him about the details of the game after the game, and then asked him about Mi Lejia. I answered them one by one, and the conversation was like a speaking exercise in an English textbook. What he says, what I answer, there is not much emotion, and I don't have to think much, just just speak.

The meal arrived. There were only two patients in the room for the time being, and the other was an older sister who was alone and we only saw her when we walked around the curtain separating the bed. She had a little messy hair, was wearing a hospital gown, and gave us two kids a friendly smile that made me think she was very kind. She walked with a limp, as if she had been wounded. I kindly wanted to help her, but she walked away after a while.

She must have gone to the cafeteria to eat. I asked Mu Zheng if he wanted to go, and he said he wanted to lie down for a while. The food truck that delivered the patient's meal rang the bell outside the ward, so I proposed to buy the food from the food truck. Although it may not be as delicious as in the cafeteria, it can fill your stomach. He agreed. I bought two lunches, and when I brought them back, he asked me how much it was, and I said fifteen. He said he remembered and turned back to me. I helped Mu Zheng up, leaned against the head of the bed, and then spread the small table on the hospital bed. The inpatient area during dinner was eerily quiet, with the occasional fluttering of wings. It must have been moths, they were battling the lampshade in vain again. Does that add a little bit of life? But not everything that is alive can give people a sense of life. I don't like the sound. Mu Zheng was chewing the vegetables slowly, and the vegetables in the hospital dining car were stuffed into the lunch box almost once with water, without putting a little oil, but it was also very light, and the chewing was quite rhythmic. The greens that turned into a lunch box are dead, right? It's strange that dead greens make me feel the presence of life more than living moths.

After eating, I packed up the table and lunch box, sat back on the edge of the bed, and looked at Mu Zheng. I sensed weakness in his eyes, which belonged to the helplessness of the patient. When I was sick myself, I was always told that I was a little sick cat. But I just don't have the energy, not the weakness – maybe because I know I'm going to get better and soon be back in the world of healthy people. And Mu Zheng's eyes were permeated with fatigue and fatigue, not only the disease had drained his strength, but something else seemed to be entanglement in his spirit. I never thought I would see this in Mu Zheng's eyes, for a long time, he has been the most sunny, the best ball skill, the most physical and the best physical player in our team, and he has always charged and destroyed the city for us. He would have been sick, he would have this disease that made his eyes so weak.

Do tough guys fall too?

"Captain, what do your mom and dad do?" He asked suddenly.

"Call me Koko. My dad is an engineer, and my mom is training in the unit, which is equivalent to a teacher. ”

"That's right. My mom you know. Guess what, what does my dad do? "He still looks weak, but maybe he has eaten and is a little more energetic, and he seems to want to have a good chat with me, and it is no longer you who ask me to answer.

"Hmm...... I guess your dad is a PE teacher? ”

"That's not right." He smiled and shook his head, the amplitude was still very small, so small that I wanted to say that you don't have to shake it, I looked so distressed.

"That's the football coach? Umpire? Or is it an athlete? It doesn't have to be playing football, it could be a long run or a high jump, or maybe it's basketball? "I guessed several times in a row, thinking that I would always be able to hit.

"Neither is right. My dad is a police officer. He didn't shake his head, as if he knew what I was thinking, but stretched out his hand and waved his index finger, then slowly lowered his arm, "He died when I was very young." It is the martyrs who sacrifice to save people. ”

"I'm sorry ......" must be very awkward to say in reality, full of translation, but I don't know what to say, no one has taught me, all I think about is what I saw in a book or a movie.

"So...... I see why you are so brave and care so much about others. Your dad will be proud of you. ”

I don't even know what I'm talking about in a hurry. For a long time, I thought I was the only one of all the children around me (except for my sister) who lost a loved one at an early age, so I always thought about finding someone who had a similar experience to me, maybe I could talk to someone. When Taotao told me about Xiaofei's family today, I was also stunned for a short time. At that time, Xiao Fei was far away, and if he told me in person that his parents were gone, how would I react? I don't know. But Mu Zheng told me that after his father died very early, my head was blank, as if it was covered with a freshly printed test paper, with a slightly hot temperature, and the printing press was still buzzing in my ears. I didn't even dare to look him in the eye.

No wonder we've never met Mu Zheng's father, and we've never heard him or anyone else mention it.

"Am I brave?"

"Hmm!"

"Not at all."

"You're just very brave, we've been playing together for more than a year, I can't see it?"

"That's no use, I think I'm going to see my dad soon."

"What?" I looked up at Mu Zheng, and my heart felt like I had knocked over a pot of hot red oil hot pot, and the hot juice was still hitting my head and eyes from the bottom up.

"That said, I'm going to die."

In the past, my sister and I have said similar things, but we didn't take it seriously. I'm releasing my emotions, I'm imagining. Death has nothing to do with most children, it just happens to others, and it is used as a talking point. Although I have seen its horror, when I talk about my own death, I still feel that it is still far from me, too far away to see.

Just thinking about the way I talked nonsense to my sister, I felt like I should have been slapped so badly. But Mu Zheng didn't annoy me, but made me scared, very scared. How did he say this without a flurry and no expression on his face? He was so calm, as if he was discussing the life and death of a person who had nothing to do with him, with a tone of undoubted conviction.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Isn't the result tomorrow? ”

"I know where I am." His face was full of bleak helplessness, "My nightmare is back." ”

I asked him what he meant, and he told me about his illness. Shortly after his father's death, he suffered from nausea and vomiting and was in a very bad mental state. When I went to the hospital to check, I found that the problem was very big. He told me the name of my illness, and my face was terrible. That's a disease that none of us wants to catch ourselves or our loved ones. It survives in the world today and takes countless lives every year. But its susceptible population is middle-aged and elderly, how can it happen to children? I asked. Mu Zheng said, just bumped into it, it doesn't make sense, and there is nothing to do. Therefore, in the second and third grades of primary school, he frequently went in and out of the hospital, took medicine, hung water, and was hospitalized. It was a painful and long process, my father was gone, my mother took care of him alone, and I had to attend classes and correct homework in time while running around the hospital and school every day, and the work of educating students was not left behind. She hid it from all the teachers in the school, and it wasn't until Teacher Huang found out and reported it to the school that he substituted for Teacher Zhou, so that she could better take care of her sick son.

"I brought my mother and my family down." This sentence sounds much heavier than the sentence "I'm going to die", "Hollowed out, there is nothing left." ”

"Don't think so. Teacher Zhou, she, she's your mother. What mother doesn't want her son to be healthy? ”

I'm so useless, Mu Zheng hasn't cried yet, I'll cry first. It was supposed to be me who comforted him and made him stronger. What am I doing? Can't I control myself? But there is no way, there is no way. If only I had strings, he would have been able to hold back.

"At the end of third grade, I felt like I was dying. The mountains and rivers were exhausted, the family had no money, and my illness did not improve. I snuck into school once, and that was after school and no one saw me. I was lying on my stomach at my desk in class, because the walk from the hospital to school was so long, and I was so tired. After a short break, I felt better, so I wrote a line on the blackboard with chalk and left it for my teachers and classmates, 'I'm leaving, goodbye,' and signed my name. Later, I thought, at that time, I was also a little handsome, did I have the feeling that Wu Song was writing on the Mandarin Duck Tower? However, I really don't think I will live to the fourth grade. As soon as the fourth grade starts and the students return to the classroom, the class teacher will say from the podium that one of the students will not come back......"

"But aren't you alive and well now?"

"Yes. I don't even believe in miracles, but it happens. After that incident, I was scolded by my mother. The first time I saw her cry in front of me. I was missing for an hour and forty-two minutes, and she thought she would never see me again. If it weren't for the illness, she would have beaten me. You didn't think Teacher Zhou would beat someone, did you? My dad never beat me, my mom beat me, but it's fierce. Did your parents beat you? ”

"I was beaten, but when I was beaten, my brother would come out and say that he was willing to be punished with him. My brother didn't make many mistakes, he spoke for me, and they stopped. ”

"It's nice to have a brother. If I had a younger sibling, maybe ...... I would have been more determined to end my life. ”

What?

"What are you talking about?" I jerked myself to my feet, and my voice became much louder, which scared him a little.

"Why are you so excited?" He was a little surprised, and I was even more surprised.

I can't imagine that a sunny child like Mu Zheng actually had suicidal thoughts. Even though I can understand it, I know it's a hypothesis. But at this moment in time, I have to be on my guard against this nightmarish thought coming to his mind again. I want to be cautious, like a hunter, to grasp this dark thought like prey in the grass and destroy it completely. And I have to be careful not to startle the snake and irritate the person in the hospital bed. I have to be calm, I have to be calm.

"At first, no one knew how sick I was, I stabbed Lou Zi myself, and now everyone on earth knows about it. My classmates donated money to me once, but my mother and I didn't have it. One of them wrote a letter of blessing and gave me ninety-nine hand-folded paper cranes. I still keep those letters. During that time, I always felt like I would close my eyes, fall asleep, and then die without knowing what time I was dying. But when I saw the clumsy and serious words that my classmates had drawn for me, and the silhouette of my mother sleeping on the other side of the bed, I thought, I still have to live. It's better to be alive. ”

"yes, it's good to be alive."

"That's right. In fact, there was one person who knew I was sick before the rest of my classmates. ”

"It's learning, right?"

"That's right. He came to see me every day, hugged his little guitar, and played all kinds of songs to me. He said, when I'm ready, he'll buy a really professional guitar, and then the two of us will find someone to form a band, and he will be the guitarist and I will be the lead singer. Actually, I sing very ordinarily, I prefer bass. But whenever he played the piano for me, I wanted to sing. The patients in the ward were all very nice, and we didn't play as well as we do now, and we both made noise sometimes. But they didn't say anything about us, they all listened silently and beat us to the beat. Those who understand music can also point fingers. Most of the patients in one ward have the same disease as me, men and women, old and young. Sometimes I sleep and wake up empty. What does this mean? You know. Every time Xuexue found an empty bed, he sat quietly on that bed for a while, plucked his strings, and played a farewell song for the person who left. Xuexue is definitely the best guitarist in our school, and he plays better than the seniors in the high school. I always felt that when he played, he poured his soul, not just his own soul.

"Later, my body seemed to be getting better and all the indicators were returning to normal. Maybe it's the psychological effect, maybe it's the treatment that works. When the doctor told me I could go back to school, I felt like a freed death row inmate. I can go to school again, I can play football again. By the way, have you ever watched a TV series? The main character is also a little boy who can play football, and in the first episode, he was smashed by an alarm clock falling from the sky and almost died, and he woke up at the end of the second episode. When he returned to class, the whole class applauded him. The day I went back to school was bigger than it was on TV, and the whole class stood up to greet me. At that time, when I was in class, Xuexue ran from his seat without caring about anything, and hugged me at the door, almost strangled to death. I didn't think I'd come back alive, I thought that writing on the blackboard was a goodbye forever. But I survived. After Xuexue let go of me, Xu Mu handed me a piece of paper, and I folded a paper crane under everyone's gaze. It is the hundredth. They're all hanging in my room now. ”

"So it's so good to be alive. I've overcome the disease once, and this time it will be fine. Besides, the test results haven't come out yet, so maybe it's okay. ”

I think it's a good finish, even though I must have been pale. It's not just because I'm worried about the person in front of me.

Miracles don't happen twice. I know my physical condition. There is no hope of recurrence. He said.

I said no, since it happened once, it could happen a second time, and you have to have faith, as you do on the pitch. The team, the band, and your classmates are all waiting for you to go back. And, more importantly, your mother and Xuexue want you to accompany you, you can't just leave.

Mom isn't here, and neither is Study. Mu Zheng smiled lightly and looked at me. I was horrified to see and angry at the same time.

"You dare! Mu Zheng, you bastard, don't talk nonsense! ”

"What nonsense am I talking about?"

I felt provoked. I don't know if I ever felt this way when I talked nonsense to my sister.

"Calm down, I just wanted to talk to you. You know, I can't talk to my mom or Xuexue about this, can I? He was still so polite as to signal me to sit down, and by the way, suppressed my anger.

"You read a lot, you're a gentle person, and everyone likes you in the team. I have always felt that you are the most suitable to be the captain, I voted for you that day, and I also asked Xuexue and Xu Mu to vote for you. He said, "Even though we don't usually talk much, I still trust you." That's why I wanted to talk to you about that. ”

"I'm sorry, I blamed you. I thought ......" I swallowed the phrase "I thought you wanted to kill yourself" in my throat.

"Thought I wanted to commit suicide, while my mother and Xuexue were away?" He smiled.

There was no sound.

"On the way here today, I thought about this." His tone remained unwavering.

"Don't even think about it!" I immediately pushed back his words.

"Have you read Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther?"

I didn't, and I couldn't figure it out when I heard what he said. But then he told me a story from the book, and I probably got some of it. He said that Witte and his friend Albert went out on horseback, and Albert was carrying a pistol and was unloaded. Witt asked for the gun and suddenly pointed it at his head. Frightened, Albert snatched the gun and babbled for a while, asking what Werther wanted to do. Witt said it mattered, there were no bullets anyway. Albert said that it would not work without bullets, and that suicide was foolish. Werther was not pleased, thinking that people who thought this way were stupid, and never commented on the intentions of others to do something. Albert said that for whatever reason, some of the actions themselves are egregious. The two of them can't really communicate.

"What do you mean? You're Werther, I'm Albert? Well, even so, you think I'm an idiot and stupid, but I still can't accept suicide. "I'm so angry, I'm a little bit of a warp all over my body.

"That's not what I meant. But I think if we're going to talk about this, you're going to have to get me to finish my thoughts, and don't interrupt me to give your opinion after listening a little bit, because I'm the one who is sick. May I? ”

I agreed.

"I wondered, do people have the right to end their own lives? Actually, I probably think about it like you. If a friend of mine suddenly told me that he was having suicidal thoughts, I would react exactly like you, and I would be angry and order him to live well, and then tell him a lot of what Albert had said. I will tell him that life is very good, that your relatives and friends love you very much, that suicide is stupid and selfish, and that you have to think about how sad your parents will be and how sad your friends will be if you die. There is no heaven and hell, when a person dies, there is nothing left. No matter how uncomfortable and painful your life is, it is still alive after all. Keco, you think so, right? ”

Nod.

"So, I know everything you know."

"Then why do you want to kill yourself?" I questioned him, occasionally wiping my own eyes. He handed me the bedside tissue.

"As I said, this disease is a nightmare. I thought I was awake, but it was always there, not far away. Do you still remember the class competition in the first year of junior high school? I apologize for your anger that day. I lied to you. I wasn't hurt, but I was very unwell. So you understand why I wanted to win on the day of my studies, and I didn't speak very well, right? He wasn't in a good mood. There was also the first game last year, playing in the high school attached to the Polytechnic University, I found you in the toilet after the game, and my mother took you to a poetry reading meeting that day. After you left, I hid in the toilet and threw up. ”

"But why don't you tell your mother?"

"I had to make sure I had a relapse. I have to be checked every once in a while, and I am used to running to the hospital with Xuexue. I was uncomfortable a few times before, but I didn't get a diagnosis later. I can't even tell her until I'm confirmed. Mom is old and not in as good health as she used to be. If I'm okay and tell her what I'm uncomfortable with, I'll be scared. Mom can't stand my illness coming back again, you know? She had a very uncomfortable life, her grandfather died when she was a child, her father left a few years after she got married, and I got sick again. If the conditions were better, my mother might have become a writer or a professor. I'm dragging her down. ”

"Don't think so. Since your mother decided to give birth to you, she must want to see you grow up healthy and realize your dreams. ”

"If she didn't have me, maybe she would have been better off and could have realized her dreams."

"Nope. It is because of you that she can live well. ”

"Why are you so sure? It seems that you are the child of Teacher Zhou's family. He smiled wryly, "No one has the right to say such things for my mother." ”

"Then you have no right to think that your mother would be better off without you."

"I really didn't expect you to like to raise the bar so much."

"You're the one who lifts the bar! I thought Mu Zheng was very sunny and brave! ”

"Am I brave? Before I got sick, I thought I was brave, like my father. But this disease crushed and drained me, and I had no energy left. Do you think it's an exaggeration for me to feel like I'm dying when I was in second or third grade? Is it handsome to say it now? You haven't had this disease, and you have no idea how terrible it is. It's not just my family that's been brought down, it's my own spirit. Every week is an endless number of treatments, and I am not yet 10 years old. Did you ever see a critical illness notice when you were ten years old? Do you know what is written on it? Do you want me to recite it to you? That was the closest I was to death. Do you know what death feels like? Have you experienced it? It's like a quilt, covering you, you can't move, you can't shout, it covers your body little by little, it keeps pressing down and down, pressing you into the bed, pressing you to the ground, solidifying, turning into a mass of meat that has nothing, an absolute blankness......

"Alright, alright, I won't talk about it. I'm sorry to scare you. Let's talk about treatment, a set of processes go down, and adults can't stand it. It's like torture, or the death penalty is pronounced and not executed. The human will is limited, and it will be worn away little by little. When it hurts, every organ in the body is stirred together. Have you ever felt this way? The scariest thing is that you have no idea when the pain will stop. Even if it is shot, the prisoner knows that the pain will be over. And I don't know how long it hurts. It doesn't give you any hope. It's not standing up, it's not sitting, and it still hurts when lying down. It hurts to endure it, and it hurts to shout it, what can I do? People are completely destroyed by disease, there is no dignity left, I don't want to let myself grin in front of my mother, I don't want to toss and turn in bed, kick and kick, but what can I do? At that moment, all I thought about was to hurry up and stop, I couldn't stand it. As long as I can stop, I can pay with my life. It's too long, there's no end in sight.

"I'll admit that some of my thoughts are very selfish, and you can think I'm cowardly and stupid. But people's will may not be so tenacious, I am an ordinary person, just a child. I said that my mother couldn't stand me and had another relapse, which is true, and of course it is an excuse. Another reason is that I don't have the confidence to do it again. I had done everything I could at that age, even if there was no hope. Of course, a miracle happened. But one cannot always expect miracles. I'm lying here again today, which means it's not a miracle, it's just that I've lived a few more years. It's like a dream, and now it's awake and I'm back in the past. I don't know if it's going to be okay this time, and I don't know if I'll be able to go through that lengthy treatment again. What I am most afraid of is that the money is spent, my mother is dragged down by me, and I still have to die. I've seen this happen to my friends. ”

Mu Zheng was still unusually calm when he said this, and even had a smile on his face, is this the calm before the storm comes? The terrible disease didn't fully cover him, but he knew he couldn't escape it.

I had to say something to give him the confidence to receive treatment and the confidence to survive. But what else can I preach? As he said, I have never had such a serious illness, and I have no qualifications or rights to say those innocuous words. No matter how much I say, it's easy, because he is the one who faces the pain.

In countless past days, I imagined that if I could ever do it all over again, and I could keep the strings in this world, I would do whatever it takes, even at the expense of myself. But I know that it is impossible, and those who leave are destined to have no chance of reappearing on this land. And today, Mu Zheng is in front of me, and the shadow of death haunts my friend again after three years, and I seem to have been given a chance to protect, or rather redeem. I thought of Mr. Lu Xun's novel, which I read after chatting with Mei Mei. An old woman asks a young man who has read a book if there is a soul when he dies, if there is a hell, and if he can see the dead again. The young man faltered, and finally fled, and the unfortunate woman died that night. Mu Zheng was waiting for me to say something to him, I could say whatever I wanted, but I knew I was limited in what I could say. And, no matter what I say on this extraordinarily ordinary night for so many people, it will come with a corresponding responsibility and a price, whether I can afford it or not.

I was so scared that I would give a bad answer.

"But...... We've got to pick ourselves up. The letters that everyone wrote to you, and the tunes you learned to play, aren't these things the ones who create miracles? You can hold it. I will be with you as well. Don't you like Hemingway? As he said, 'A man can be destroyed, but he must not be defeated'. "The Old Man and the Sea" must have seen ......"

I was about to continue, but he interrupted me with a smile.

"Did you know that Hemingway ended up taking his own life with his shotgun? One of the reasons is that he has suffered too much illness to write, and he has no dignity at all in his life. ”

Damn it. What did I say.

It was as if I had been deafened by the loud sound of the shotgun, leaving only the sound of the tide wafting.

"I do like Hemingway – and not just because he wrote 'The Old Man and the Sea'. Have you seen The Snow of Kilimanjaro? "The Sun Also Rises"? "Farewell, Arms"? For Whom is the Death Knell Tolling? Zhao Rui mentioned them a few months ago, like yesterday. Sometimes I think I'm the hero of a novel. We must do our best. ''You can do it.'' I am tired. ''I just hate to die.'' ''It's nothing but a despicable hoax. ''I want to take you back to the hotel'. 'No, thank you. ''It's only bad when death is long overdue and the intense pain makes you lose your dignity.'' Wouldn't it be nice to think about it that way? ’”

I replied hastily that I hadn't read it, and I couldn't understand a word of his inexplicable words.

"Do you know where my name comes from?" Seeing that I was at a loss, he changed the subject.

Shake one’s head.

"A good poet and my mom loved the poems he wrote. His name is Zha Liangzheng, and he has a cousin named Zha Liangyong, this person you must know - his pen name is Jin Yong. Zha Liangzheng also has a pen name, called Mu Dan - it's me, Mu, you understand, right? I have also read some of Mu Dan's poems and like them. But Ke Ke, sometimes the power of literature is not so strong. When the sickness really caught me, the guitar I learned would make me irritable, thinking that it was noisy, and I didn't have the heart to read a book. It's so cruel that illness can destroy the ideals we have built up with literature and music, and destroy my life along with me. ”

"You're right, I even agree with you. I also experienced a very, very dark past, when I watched Wen Tianxiang's "Song of Righteousness", 'Heaven and earth have righteousness, and mixed manifolds'. It's a look, but for me it's just two lines. I don't feel that righteousness, and it doesn't help me in those dark days. But...... I don't think bravery is as demanding as you think. In a situation of incomparably darkness and no reason at all, as long as people try to live, they are brave. Those who survive are heroes, no matter how ordinary. There are many good things in our lives that are worth living. ”

I felt like my eyes and emotions were out of control. But the mind and the words are clear.

"I know how cruel the pain can be, and although I haven't been sick, I ...... Let me tell you. Three years ago, my brother passed away. Because one night I thought I had lost my gloves, so he went to buy them for me, and it turned out to be an accident. Zhao Rui was also there at the time, and he almost died. The past three years have been very dark, and I think that my pain in the past three years may be similar to the pain caused by illness. He and I grew up sleeping in the same bed, and we really grew up together. One day, he disappeared without warning, and when I saw him again, he was already separated by a layer of glass. I can't touch him anymore, I can't hear him anymore, I can't even argue with him. I feel like my life is over, because if I didn't get sick myself, he wouldn't have died if I had to buy gloves.

"Mu Zheng, don't die, can you? I'm begging you, don't die. I know it's going to be very uncomfortable for you to go for treatment again, I understand, I understand it very much. And I, I lost another friend, and I don't know what will happen to me. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm threatening you to kidnap you, but I don't know what to do. I just want to convince you that I want you to live well. If I could share half of the pain, I would like to bear it with you. Alas, I said it nicely. If you can share it, I know that Teacher Zhou or Xuexue will definitely be the first to help you. But, Mu Zheng, don't die. Good no good? Please, don't die. Other. ”

I dragged Mu Zheng's arm like a little brother and cried, as if I was using all my strength to leave a big brother who was going to travel far away. I did this once in the morning when I was half-asleep and half awake and again at night. There is nothing I can do but plead so hard.

He wiped my tears from my eyes and waited until my nose was no longer so strong before he spoke:

"That...... I may have met your brother. He's number 23, right? ”

Nodding while wiping tears and snot.

"It had to be him. I played against him once. You weren't there that day, Zhao Rui was the goalkeeper. It was a close match. I scored first and in the final moments of the game he was alone from the wing, and our wing-backs, midfielders and centre-backs chased and intercepted, but they were all clean, and the centre-backs were shaken down. This is completely a single knife opportunity brought out by himself, and he takes the head of the general in the million-strong army. In the face of the attacking goalkeeper, he played in the near corner, very decisively, and the goalkeeper was helpless. What impressed me the most was that he didn't celebrate after scoring the goal, he just picked up the ball and ran to the center circle, trying to buy time to score again. We all looked at him, and he looked at us all the way, with no provocation, no retaliation, no excitement or anxiety. If I pass the opponent's entire defence and score again, a kneeling celebration is not enough, at least I have to do a somersault, although I can't do it. And the fact that he was so calm like water shocked me more than any scene. ”

"That was supposed to be the last game of string play." I say.

"Well......" he pondered for a moment, then continued, "Actually, Koko, you don't resemble your brother. Well, it all gives people a sense of life. Fresh, alive, full of emotion, released or not. The world is terrible, there are so many dark places, but seeing you, especially today, you have been talking to me for so long...... I think there are a lot of good things in the world. Of course, I've always been cared for. I'm in your care today. No, it's in the care of your brothers. Although what you said was not so convincing, I felt your efforts and emotions. I was impressed. ”

"Huh? So...... You, you're not going to kill themselves, are you? I asked tentatively.

"I didn't say I was going to kill myself, I just thought about it, and then I want to talk to Team Ke today." A sly expression appeared on his face.

"Don't even think about it!"

"Again, haven't you had some gray thoughts? The sun has sunspots, but the sun is always the sun. The other day I saw a book my mother was reading, and there was a sentence on the waist cover, 'A minute of darkness will not blind us,' and that's what it meant. I know it. ”

As he spoke, he made a gesture that I was all too familiar with. After seeing it, I was a lot more relieved.

"Then you promised me that you can't die."

"As long as they can live, who wants to die." He spread his lowered hand, "Don't say anything else, I'm dead, what should my mother do?" I can't leave her alone in this world. ”

"Ah Mu Zheng, you big villain, are you fishing? You want to see the captain make a fool of himself, don't you? When you are well, I will punish you severely, and I will not give you any face! As she spoke, I cried and laughed, climbed on the bed, stretched out my hand, and grabbed his face hard, just like my sister used to pull my face.

"Well, Keko, what time is it?" He asked after he broke free.

"It's less than seven o'clock, what's wrong?"

"You do me a favor."

"Say it."

"Take me out. I'm going somewhere. ”

The weariness and weakness in the eyes in which he looked at me had melted away, replaced by the same determined gaze I had seen once today.