Huang Minxue and Xu Mu entered the ward wearing black caps with gilded letters. Xuexue carried a long piano bag, almost catching up with the height of others. Needless to say, their eyes widened at the sight of me sitting on the edge of the bed with my arms crossed. I greeted me calmly, showing a calm look of calmness. After being stunned for a while, Xu Mu asked me what was going on, and I said that I accidentally dislocated it, and it was not a big problem. Huang Minxue walked up, put his hand on my right shoulder, was silent for a while, and then asked Mu Zheng when the results would be out. He said that after half past ten, the doctor would come to the ward. It's only past nine o'clock.

Huang Minxue grabbed me on the shoulder. I'd like to go out with the captain first, okay? He asked. He must have wanted to know what happened last night. Of course. Mu Zheng said. So Xuexue took off his hat and put it on Mu Zheng's head. The latter obediently allowed him to complete this action, like a child under the care of his brother. I read the words: Viva la vida, like the name of a song?

I saw Mr. Huang outside the ward, and he was also shocked by my appearance. I said that I had a small injury, it's okay, I'm right-handed, I can still write my homework, and I won't fail to turn it in. Feeling a little laughing when he said this, he patted me on the head helplessly and walked into the room.

Xuexue and I took the elevator downstairs with a guitar on his back. As I walked, I talked about the experience of going to Li Bin – which explains why I dislocated. He listened quietly, except to say "damn it" when I talked about taking Mu Zheng out of the hospital. In order to make things clearer, I briefly talked about the strings, and I told Mu Zheng about them anyway, and told him that it was nothing. He remained silent and didn't seem to react when he heard it. I went on to say some good things for Li Bin, saying that he and I had encouraged Mu Zheng together, and he had already decided that he would actively treat him no matter what the outcome was. At this point, he nodded thoughtfully.

"Thank you, Captain. You have been wronged. ”

"Nothing. Also, you don't need to call me Captain, just call me Keke. ”

"Good. Actually, I was too worried about him. I always have a bit of a strange idea, or a bad premonition. "Xuexue's face is already white, and with the fluctuating colors, it is more chilly than the wind blowing in the bleak autumn sun.

I noticed that he had a bit of heavy bags under his eyes.

"Didn't you sleep well yesterday?"

"Hmm. Actually, I was scared, afraid of losing him suddenly. Last night there was a feeling like, 'My nightmare is back'. Although his body is much better than before, you haven't experienced our darkest time. At that time, I couldn't sleep well every day, and for a few days I set an alarm for every hour at night, starting at 10 o'clock and getting up until 6:30. You know why? ”

Shake one’s head.

"I'm afraid he'll leave at night." His smile was calm and bitter, "I have been to the hospital a lot, and several nurses and sisters on duty have known each other. I secretly made an appointment with them that they would have to talk to me no matter how late it was. People even laughed at me, saying that what is the use of you as a child knowing about it. I couldn't do anything else, so I cried. When I cried, people took pity on me and asked me why. I said that I was afraid that I would not be able to see him for the last time, and that my father would wake up and tell me that he was gone. Damn, I really think so, in the days when he was at his worst, every hour of sleep I would wake myself up with the alarm clock and check my phone for missed calls. Do you know? I really woke up in the middle of the night to see a damn missed call, twenty minutes ago. I was so frightened that I didn't dare to call back, I cried directly on the bed, as if I had seen a ghost in the room, not only my parents, but also upstairs and downstairs woke me up. We lived in the family area of the school at that time, we were all teachers, we all knew each other, and we thought that my family had entered the thief, so we all came to help in pajamas. Then a group of them would see me crying in bed and ask what was going on. I said Mu Zheng was dead. Can you imagine how they reacted at the time? If some people believed, they wept with them. Everyone knows what happened to Mu Zheng. My dad was in his right mind and asked me how I knew, and I said the nurse had called. He took his phone and dialed it. You know what? It was a drunken mistake. Lose the dead, I don't know how to end. It's just that my parents have a good temper, so they really have to beat me up on the spot. After confirming that it was okay, everyone dispersed, they were all sleepy, and they didn't teach me much, so they said not to lie about the military situation. ”

If it were me, I would have been beaten. But even if you are beaten, you have nothing to say, you have to admit your mistakes, and you have to stand up when you are beaten. Even if he was beaten at that time, it would definitely be worth it to be able to confirm that Mu Zheng was still alive.

It's been three years, and my parents haven't beaten me once.

I patted Xuexue on the back and slapped his guitar. It seemed to remind him to find a place to sit. We turned into the small garden behind the inpatient unit and found a bench. The garden in autumn is empty, like the unclear sky overhead. The leaves of the trees are still there, but they are showing signs of withering. The grass that carried a little fallen leaves was also withered and yellow, and its vitality was gradually decreasing. Suddenly, a question came to mind, will the grass and trees that will be green again next spring still what we see now?

Xuexue took the guitar out of his bag and placed it in front of him. This one is a little different from what I've seen before, it seems to be older, with more traces of age. I said, it's not quite like the one you played before. He said yes, this piano was given by Li Yun's sister. She left one thing for me and Mu Zheng, and Li Bin handed it to us. I got the guitar she used in college, second-hand, I don't know how many owners have been transferred, maybe a well-known singer played it before becoming famous. I asked what was left for Mu Zheng, and he said it was an album that he had listened to many times.

Look here. He handed me the guitar bag. Around the zipper, I saw a lot of embroidered letters. It's not a word, it's like a pinyin acronym for a person's name. Did your mom embroider it? I asked. I did it myself, he said. Who are they? The people Mu Zheng and I met in the ward are gone. My eyes lit up, and I felt that the string of letters was so long, almost ten. Before I counted, I saw an "LW" in the most conspicuous position. The others must not be recognized, but Xuexue and Mu Zheng must remember.

I was holding the bag. Xuexue plucked the strings. Mu Zheng was right, he poured his soul into his playing, many souls. The fluttering strings are alive.

"Want to practice? Will you play it to Mu Zheng in a while? I asked.

"Not exactly. You listen. ”

After tuning the strings, he began to play. The music is quite slow, wrapped in a brief hint of lyricism and melodiousness, as if it smells of sunshine. He turned his face to me and smiled, one eye closed, and the one that opened open had a gentleness that flowed like never before, as if the two of us had met for the first time today. He wore a long-sleeved shirt today, the color between dark blue and light blue, a comfortable ocean color, flowing with his eyes, and the soft beige pants, which made the autumn day without sunlight more or less harmonious and comfortable in the gloom. Before he knew it, he was playing a little slower than before. I knew he was going to start singing. He hadn't changed his voice yet, but there seemed to be a hint of muddness in his childish voice.

You once said to me that you will always love me.

I understand love, but what is it forever?

Girl, don't cry, we're still together,

Today's joy will be tomorrow's eternal memory.

The wind is blowing. There was no singing in the air. The leaves are falling, I don't know. His slow, gentle chanting, plucking and smiling caught me at the beginning, and if I had been listening to him before, I was vibrating with his strings and vocal cords. But why did he show such a happy expression when he sang such lyrics?

Maybe it's because I don't like the word "forever", but I can't erase the existence of the word, and I can't think about the question in the song - what is "forever"?

I know there is no such thing as a forever for anyone. Nope. And Xuexue is still laughing, playing, and singing "lalala". As if talking to myself, indifferent, and as if trying to tell me something:

Nothing can be discarded, nothing can be forgotten,

Now all you say is your courage.

The wind blows in the spring, and it rains in the fall,

How much spring breeze and autumn rain are swearing, and the mountains are far away with the wind.

La-la, la-la.

My dear, don't say you and I will never be separated.

You don't belong to me, and I don't own you.

No one in the world has the right to possess the girl.

Maybe we break up and don't look back.

At least don't weave some beautiful excuses.

La-la, la-la.

My dear, don't say you and I will never be separated.

La-la, la-la.

My dear, don't say you and I will never be separated.

……

In the steady singing, I seemed to hear and find myself, and I seemed to throw him away, like a meaningless person. The white-tiled façade of the hospital is so smooth that it is no longer real, the sky is unobstructed, the wind is empty, and only the sound of the piano and the song are the only presence. But it panics me, just as my own presence panics me.

"Stop, okay?"

I interrupted the study. I rarely do that. I don't like to be splashed with cold water, and I don't want to splash others. I know how disappointing it would be for him to reject what someone else loves and wants to show, because he may have mustered up a lot of courage and energy to get those precious treasures out of it. Although it is not the first time to watch and learn to play, it is the first time I have interrupted him, interrupting the paradoxical "lalala" and the repetitive "don't say you and I will never be separated".

Am I trying to run away again?

Xuexue was not disappointed, but gasped. Singing is physically demanding. Even though he had just played and sang such a song that was not in a hurry or slow, he could still feel a vigorous and vigorous sense of life beating in his short body. Probably for relaxation, or maybe not, he unbuttoned the collar, but quickly buttoned it up. Then untie it again and tie it again. I looked at him, and he kept his head down, repeating the motion.

"I'm sorry, I knew you wanted to sing this song to Mu Zheng, I shouldn't have interrupted your ......"

"I'm not going to sing it to him." Xuexue didn't look up, "I want to sing to him, but I don't dare." This is the first time I've sung it to someone other than myself. ”

"Why?" I asked. First of all, he felt that he was obviously not qualified, even if he didn't sing to Mu Zheng, he should sing to Xu Mu. Secondly, there are still things in the world that he does not dare to do.

"I think the captain is still a very tasteful person, and he can be trusted. Although I heard you say at the beginning that you took Mu Zheng out, my first reaction was to scold you. He scratched his head, a little embarrassed, because he was too shy, "but it's okay." You know, there are always things that are not easy to talk about with relatives or very close friends. Of course, I'm not saying you're not my friend. It's just that there is a bit of distance between the two of us, not close, not far. I think the captain is a talker, so I thought about it and did it. ”

The me in his eyes is so similar to me in Mu Zheng's eyes. They both thought of me as someone to talk to, maybe I was a good listener, right?

"Does the captain not like me very much? Or don't trust me that much? Let's be honest. ”

Maybe I've felt this way before, but I know it's all prejudice and it's time to put it behind. I shook my head very simply, and I said to him, you are a very emotional person, and I would like to treat you as one of my best friends if I could.

What a "one", I know, I know. He smiled and asked if Lao Ye had a bad impression of him. I said it was all before we became teammates, and by dinner that day everyone felt okay with the way you played. Also, I also knew yesterday that you accompanied Mu Zheng to do an examination before playing the class game, so I understand your mood more clearly.

"The main thing is that I don't want to talk to people. I don't have much to say other than football and music. It's not like you, you can write poetry. ”

"I'm scribbling."

"My guitar is playing randomly, and Mu Zheng is also kicking the ball. Of course, don't say that Xu Mu's drum is beating randomly, if she hears it, she will blow both of our heads. ”

We all laughed.

So why don't you want to hear it? Don't like the song? ”

"Not really. It's just that some places are a little uncomfortable to listen to. ”

"Excuse me...... However, can you talk? He put his hand on my nice shoulder, "Of course, listen to you." ”

Normally, I don't and don't want to talk about those thoughts. They were so negative that even though I knew and was told again and again that I couldn't run away from them, I didn't want to pass those thoughts on. I don't talk to Mi Le, nor do I talk to my sister or Ye Ruiyang. Everyone is a child, no one knows how to fight against "time" or "forever", but everyone's time will end, as the song sings, no one can never be separated, no matter what kind of mountain alliance and sea vows will eventually go away with the wind.

I've already seen it.

And Mu Zheng and Xuexue too.

Maybe that's why I will tell Xuexue what I think (or fear) in my heart. Maybe not, but I think Xuexue is a man who is not afraid of heaven and earth, and he will have a way - obviously, I forgot the night when he howled and cried a few minutes ago.

"Uncomfortable...... Because, when I listened, I thought of ...... Thought of death. Thinking that I would leave all the people I loved. I'm afraid to die. ”

"Oh."

He looked away from me, his calves hanging in the air straightened, and he lifted them gently to the same level as the chair we were sitting in.

"I'm scared too. Sometimes. ”

"But I always feel that you are not afraid of anything. Especially when playing football and singing. ”

"Do you know what came to mind when I was listening and singing just now?" His calves hung down, and his shoes slapped on the concrete floor, making a dull sound, "I thought of Mu Zheng, and myself." ”

"Hmm."

"Can you guess which two lyrics I remember the most?" You don't belong to me, and I don't own you. No one in the world has the right to possess the girl. Oh, by the way, I used to play and sing this song in elementary school. The New Year's Day performance program was supposed to be sung, but later the director found me and asked me to change the lyrics, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sing. For example, the girls here should all be changed to friends, and love should be changed to friendship, love should be changed to like, and the mountain league and sea oath should be changed to teachers and classmates. I did it all, except for 'dear', because no one figured out how to change it. Isn't it funny? He shrugged his shoulders and smiled, "Captain, tell me, what do these two sentences mean?" ”

It's also a question that doesn't make me feel very comfortable. In other words, it's a good question, a question worth thinking about, and one that can't be avoided. Perhaps the reason why Xianxian left me was because I stubbornly believed that he belonged to me on that day three years ago. I want to possess him, to possess the gifts he gave me, to possess the love of my family, and to possess him as a person. But it was wrong, and he paid for my mistakes.

"Everybody is just himself. Doesn't belong to anyone. You can't take someone by force, no matter what the reason. ”

If I had understood this earlier, would life not have been like this? But...... Why am I so scared this morning? It seems that as soon as Millet said he was leaving, my sky fell. Do I want to possess him, feel that he is mine and cannot leave? So, am I still stuck in the same place, nothing has changed?

"Yes. But......" he winked at me, "Captain, you said 'no,' right?" ”

Nod.

"I think no. No one can belong to others, nor can they have others. ”

"Does it make a difference?"

"It's a big difference. My dad was a Chinese teacher. 'No' means you can do it but shouldn't do it, and 'can't' means you can't do it. Got it? ”

He looked into my eyes, but his gaze stopped flowing as he played, as if frozen.

Nod.

"So, what you're thinking about is 'everybody is independent,' and what I'm thinking about is that everybody is just one person and all is lonely."

I seem to understand a little, but not completely. He continued:

"There is always a distance between people. It's not just that you can't 'never separate', even if you are in front of you, hugged, and close to each other, there are still gaps. Because we can't be somebody else, we can't really fully experience what other people feel. We don't feel the sickness of the sick or the death of the deceased. We can only feel ourselves, as you say, 'everybody is just himself'. It's not just 'can't' possess, even if you want to possess and want to have, you can't possess and possess all of a person. ”

I know why he said he thought of Mu Zheng and himself.

"Sometimes when I listen to it, I realize that the distance between me and Mu Zheng is also very far. In the days when he was sick, his father said, if you go to accompany Mu Zheng more, he will slowly get better. So I stayed with him every day, told him about school, and played his little guitar — really messy. I was also desperate when he was at his worst, afraid that if he died, I would have no friends, so there was a farce that night. Later, he miraculously got better, and we played together again, along with Li Bin. I put all the sickness behind me, as if Mu Zheng had always been healthy and had never been in the hospital bed for so long. ”

"Hmm."

"Then Li Bin left us for no reason, and I was angry and disappointed. But it reminded me of his sister, and we never saw her again. In those crazy days, I seemed to pour out the emotions I was holding back during Mu Zheng's illness, I had no heart and lungs, I forgot the time to play every day, like a little madman, and completely forgot that not everyone is so lucky. So, while I remembered the names that had gone away, I embroidered them all on the bag. I'm a healthy person, I haven't been sick since I was a child, and I'm so lucky. Therefore, although I accompanied Mu Zheng, I may be more often just standing next to him, and I can't help him share the pain at all. I can't help him. And the pain he endured was simply unjustified. In fact, which of the patients in the ward is not like this? Get sick for no reason, die for no reason, and die without any dignity at all. Especially when this disease is born to young people and children, I think it makes no sense. What did Mu Zheng do wrong? He's the same age as me, so why should he die at such a young age? I don't understand. I'm afraid. But what can I do? The sickness didn't fall on me, so I just watched from the sidelines? ”

I forgot to bring a napkin, so I rubbed his head with my last hand.

"I understand you very well. You say that illness is for no reason, death is for no reason, and I even feel that I was born for no reason. No one asked us if we agreed, so they brought us into the world, and then someone disappeared for no reason, and no one asked us if we wanted to. Why are we brought into this world, given life, but not forever? My brother must have been very inexplicable and overwhelmed when he left. No one could help him, no one had taught us how to be born, no one had taught us how to die. And me? I also fantasized about talking to him, thinking that one day he would hear my voice and appear in my dreams. It's simply not possible. My friend thought about it, and I thought about it, to play football, to guess what he wanted, to be what he liked, and he would be happy to know there. How is that possible? The people are gone. You're right, we don't feel the death of people who have died, and we can't really imagine what people who aren't in this world think. Only the living can 'think'. Even if I think that one day I will die, it is only when I am still alive that I think that it is a hypothesis, and it will never come close to that kind of 'non-existence'. Only the moment of death can be approached, but then there will be no more time to express this feeling. The line between life and death is too obvious, and the process of drawing my brother and I on both sides of this line makes no sense, so simple and crude, and it will never be inseparable from me. ”

"But, Captain, didn't you say that your brother had an accident? It's not Li Bin's mother......"

"The reason why he was there, the reason why he was hit by that bottle, was to fulfill my wish, a meaningless wish that I put forward in the heat of the moment. Just to take care of my emotions, he threw away his life. It's disgusting, why would God do this to him? My mom might as well have just given birth to him. ”

He didn't say anything immediately, but silently exhaled a breath from between his closed lips. I didn't say anything. The plants and trees of the hospital drag their own shadows in the autumn, but it is difficult to find the sun that makes these shadows in the sky or on the earth, whether you look up or not.

"Captain."

"I'm here."

"You're scared."

"Hmm."

"I'm scared too."

"Hmm."

"I'm as scared as you are."

"Hmm."

"You interrupted the song."

"Yes."

"Actually, if you listen to it......"

"I'll listen."

"You'll hear ...... The back has always been 'dear don't say you and I will never be separated', however, there will be a sentence. ”

"There will be a word."

"It's not like the others. It's 'Don't say it again, dear, you and I will be separated tomorrow'. ”

I turned my head to look at him. He suddenly lowered his head and hit my chest with his head.

Captain, what do you mean by life? He asked.

Didn't think much of it. I say.

Then you say, is there any meaning in life? He asked again.

This time there is no need to be as cautious as yesterday, since he has learned that he will never approve of suicide.

I think there should be, right? But I don't know. To live now is to live, and you can't die anyway.

I really can't say anything. Yesterday, I "enlightened" Li Bin overnight, and now that I think about it, it's all a bunch of correct nonsense. I'm trying to find a way to preserve his life and my own life, not to let it go astray, not to let us become the destroyer of other people's lives or my own lives. I want to be a good person, but how do I become a good person? What makes a good person? You can't kill people, you can't kill people, shouldn't that be the most basic thing to be a human being? Is it a good person to do it?

Actually, I don't know. He grinned at me, and I looked unwillingly teased.

But Captain, just now, I played the guitar, you listen. I'm here, and you're here. Can you feel it? Music is an attempt, I'm trying to get close to Mu Zheng, you're trying to get close to me. I tried very hard. At this moment, I feel that life is not meaningless, it is the vibration of my throat, the air in my lungs. I haven't figured out what it means, but I feel like I'm seeing it somewhere, somewhere I can't reach yet. The meaning of life exists, as does the predestined separation. I was so desperate that I could barely live. Because I felt myself open a door, and inside the door was death, nothingness, that fear of nothingness...... To make matters worse, I found that I couldn't close the door anymore, and it appeared in front of my eyes every now and then. However, no one knows where the day of death is destined to come. To run. Not to run to it, but to fight it. When you feel hopeless, you have to run. It's not an escape, it's not suicide...... I am resolutely and resolutely against suicide. It was only when I ran that I felt I could overcome this emptiness and fear. The faster I run, the faster I go, the more time I seem to have, the shorter I am with the people I love. I told myself that tomorrow I would try not to be separated from them, and tomorrow tomorrow, every tomorrow, I would try not to be separated from them. In this way, until the last days, until the eternal coming of the dead, perhaps there really will be no separation. There is no eternity in life, so to live is to live hard, and to grasp every tomorrow. So, we run together, keep running, maybe we can find the meaning of life. Whether it's singing or playing football, it's all ways to find life. Captain, I think you are the same person as me, and so is Mu Zheng. By the way, painting is also the way. Viva la vida, in Spanish, which I may not pronounce accurately, means "Long live life", is a painting by a Mexican female painter. She was seriously ill and drew a bunch of cut red watermelons and wrote this line. The color of life is bright and brilliant.

I suddenly figured out a lot of things from the past. Perhaps it is this wildness that I have long been attracted to by the study that I have longed for but lacked? Or rather, the spontaneous vitality of life?

"Thank you, Captain."

"Thank you? In the end, I was complaining. I asked.

"I think I dare to read Mu Zheng's inspection report now." He bit his lip and blinked. "I'm trying to find some courage from you today. Damn, I didn't expect the captain to be much better than me, so it became me to cheer us both together. Of course, Captain, you give me a sense of security and are the one who can make me say what is in my heart. In any case, I will no longer be the child who howls and cries in the middle of the night, and I will not be the little brother who only knows how to stand by Mu Zheng's bed stupidly. ”

"After talking for a long time, you are really more afraid than me." I shrugged my right shoulder. Reached out and gently scratched his nose. He didn't resist, and said with a red face that he was not allowed to speak. When Mu Zheng's father was still there, he took them to get vaccinated. I remember that his father told him that he could cry, but not scream, and he would be afraid if he called Xuexue.

He said that from that day on, he did not cry or make a fuss whether he was injected and taken medicine, or whether he was injured and bleeding.

"I've seen you cry twice, twice!" I reached out two fingers to him. He grabbed my fingers, rubbed them back into my palm, and said that it would not take more than three days, and you would never see me cry again.

"By the way, Captain, when will your hands be good?" On the way back to the ward, he asked me. I said two or three months, the basic season was reimbursed. In two months, we might be able to catch the last race.

So let's pull a hook. He said.

Yes, but what's the convention? I say.

My friends seem to like making appointments with me.

Even before you and Mu Zheng return to the field, I guarantee that the team will never be eliminated.

It's weird to say that, can the team die peacefully when the two of us come back?

It's not, it's waiting for you to come back and win the championship together! Damn, let's say it, Lao Tzu just worked hard, was carried down on a stretcher and buried, and had to carry the team out of the qualification. Let's pull the hook!

Well, the hook hanging will not change for a hundred years!

He is serious and scrappy. I think I'll have to talk to the coach about the club class next week, maybe the captain's armband can be worn on Xuexue's shoulders when I'm not on the field.