It's been a long time since the last update, but this time I've even got a draft forward. I don't know how many people will see this, probably not, but anyway, I'm not going to write about this stuff anymore.

The meaning of Ai Qiu's ID,

Ai takes the meaning of self-resentment, which means self-punishment in ancient Chinese, and is pronounced with "love", so I took this "Ai".

Autumn is taken from Yingqiu (in reality, it is also this pronunciation, and it is also this "autumn"), and at the same time, the word autumn also has the meaning of the past, because everything with her has passed.

Combining these two is Ai Qiu, and why do I like to pronounce the fourth tone of yi? Because in this way, the pronunciation will be the same as "memory", on the other hand, because the abbreviations of Yingqiu and Aiqiu will be YQ.

When I took this ID, I had a deep affection for it.

"Remember the eventful autumn and do the most beautiful things. Punish yourself for the past and end for others with kindness. ”

It was with this expectation that I took the ID "Ai Qiu".

In the past five years, I have only achieved the first half of these two sentences, and I have not achieved the second half. In the past five years, I have not wanted to live a single day, my life is so bad that it makes me sick, and I can only comfort myself by relying on the hundred or so days I spent with Yingqiu back then.

But everyone should also know that happiness will only be effective when you have it, and once you lose it, it will only bring pain every time you think about it.

In the past five years, I have grown from a kid who could play anywhere to the terrible appearance I am now. Now I have no friends and no family to rely on. I used to like to bask in the sun and play football on my bike, but now I can't bask in the sun anymore. I had serious problems with my skin because of my heart disease, and I didn't even deserve warmth because it would make my whole body itch and ache. I went to the best dermatology hospital in Shanghai, and the doctor said that it could not be cured, and also suggested that I go to the psychiatric department, laughing to death, I have been there a long time ago. Severe depression, what's the matter?

I also like to play with my friends, but now I go everywhere by myself, without friends and without anyone to accompany me. I used to be relied on by many people, and everyone would tell me about something, and I was happy to do so. But over time, I discovered one thing, and that is that people only think of me when they are depressed. So what am I? Do you want to give you a tool to change your mood? After that, I suffered a lot of "disappointment", which made me desperate for a while.

Now, I often go out for walks and go to various places, and I leave as soon as I want to. But it's always alone, walking on the road, I look at the passers-by in my company, and I think-

"Why are they smiling so happily?"

"Why do they all travel together?"

"Why me? Why just me? ”

Jealousy, disgust, sadness, and many other negative emotions continued to grow in my heart, and in the end I could only feel hatred and my own death. Nearly five years have passed under this mentality, and a lot of things have happened in my family in the past five years, just like "Hongyu", because "Ai Sheng" is "Ai Qiu's life".

For nearly five years, I have been giving myself the meaning of life by remembering Yingqiu, but just yesterday, 2023.2.8, I knew the answer.

I used to be afraid to even see her, but yesterday I mustered up the courage to try to ask her out, just to know why I was cold and violent to me back then. I've fantasized countless times, maybe it's because of something unspeakable? When the director of political education learned about our affairs, he gave me a lecture, and I was able to resist it, and it took me nearly two hours to convince her after receiving an hour of training. But what about Yingqiu? Will she be able to withstand the pressure at home and at school? Or is it because her scumbag-like ex is out circulating her bed photos? Or is there more to it?

And just yesterday, I knew the answer, but it wasn't what she told me. It's a mutual friend of ours, Yingqiu told her not long ago, and I just found out today. This answer was like a joke in my eyes, and I communicated with her countless times during the cold and violent month, hoping to find the reason for her upset.

She hadn't smiled at me for a month, and she avoided me for a while. I could only see her smile from a distance, and as soon as I showed up, her smile would disappear, and she wouldn't tell me why. Born into this kind of family since I was a child, I have an inferiority complex. I feel like it's all my fault, and I'm going to suffer bad luck just by getting close to me, so why don't I leave? The scars that once left in my heart were torn open infinitely again and again, and my mentality finally couldn't help but collapse, and finally proposed to break up.

During our relationship, there were two things that shattered my dignity. One thing was that I was beaten by the school bully, but I didn't dare to fight back, because I knew that if I couldn't afford to pay, even a few hundred yuan might make my family sleep on the street the next month. Another thing is that on our last date, I couldn't afford to buy Mei for only twenty yuan, and I only had a transportation card in my body. How funny.

The reason why she was cold and violent to me was because I liked to talk to my friends (men) about me kissing her. How ridiculous, for that reason.

For five years, I was like a joke, moving myself by making a fool of myself. To be honest, I don't blame her for wanting to break up with me because of this, I just hate why she didn't make it clear to me back then? Only I know how much psychological torture I suffered in that month, and in the end, I took the initiative to break up, which made me blame myself for nearly five years! Five years of remorse and self-blame are still affecting me even now.

When I was 19 years old, I sat on the windowsill all night, and all I could think about was dying. And now that I know the truth, my will to die is not so strong, but I don't want to live so much, I know everything I should know, and there is nothing worth nostalgia for.

I've been a joke since birth anyway.

That's it, it doesn't matter.

I don't know how ridiculous things will be waiting for me in the future, but I've been a joke for so long, laugh to death, whatever.

I'm going to put down what I would have written, but I guess no one but me will be able to read it.

1.2017.9.1 Moving confession

2.2017.9.9 First kiss + confession

3.2017.9.10 Go to see XYQ

4.2017.10.1 First date

5. National Day dyj Hide and Seek downstairs Go to dyj's house to coax XYQ to sleep

6. National Day MCC Xiangteng Cat Exhibition

7. Early October 2017 Dry dragon boat

8.2017.10.13 after Pet Shop KISS Watches

9.2017.10.20 Break up (Baidu Netdisk has screenshots)

10.2017.10.23 Not as important as dead waste (Baidu network disk has screenshots)

11. End of October 2017 Interim note

12.2017.11 Often go downstairs to walk the dog together

13.2017.11 Theme class meeting print taxi

14.2017.11 Happy Valley Magic Kumamon

15.2017.11 Dog Zhe XYQ came to play, Shen Jianan, pretending to be angry

16.2017.11 Big Dog and Xiong Wenqiang joke XYQ, "If you say more, you'll tear your mouth"

17.2017.12.2 Suddenly I couldn't come to the mall alone to help her (friend) see the price of lipstick, but I couldn't find the store

18.2017.12.9 TRICK ME INTO GOING TO SEE MR. HUANG BUT ACTUALLY GO TO THE SUPERMARKET PHOTO AS LONG AS I SURSIVE YOU WILL BE PART OF ME

19.2017.12.13 I forgot to tell me when I changed the password, and the first fire was cut off for 102 days, and I turned on the fire every day before

20.2017.12. Mid Tell the fact that yj and XYQ are together

21.2017.12.24 Christmas note

22.2017.12.29 New Year's Day Show Angry Stay up late

23.2018.1.7 Brown Sugar Ginger Chinese Painting Class Selfie No Leg Shaking "I'm Back, I'm Back" (See Baidu Netdisk 2017.10.4)

24.2018.1.20 Winter vacation starts almost to start storytelling

25.2018.1.20 Break up if you don't return to the top 10 of the grade in the next exam (see QQ space)

26.2018.1 During the winter vacation, I often get tired of getting together with lipstick pro

27.2018.1 During the winter vacation, the rooftop private cinema

28.2018.1.26 Playing in the snow

29.2018.1.27 On the night of the 26th, LZW told me that JSC was going to beat me, and then I spent half the night looking for acquaintances not to reveal my relationship with XYQ, and then deleted the chat history to prevent XYQ from worrying. After the early morning of the 27th, I told LZW not to reveal the relationship, but she didn't reply to me at the first time, so the chat history was not deleted, and during the day on the 27th, XYQ wanted to see my phone, so I thought about it and got my phone back. That night, my friend added me to the meeting after being informed by DYD, and posted 99 sentences in the early morning of the 28th. (Same as Baidu network disk)

During the day, "you can't see the stars in your eyes".

30.2018.1.29 Lianmai, walking the dog, buying snacks, big ma (calling Vita lemon tea a certain Du product), I didn't see it (same as Baidu network disk)

31.2018.1.30 Watching movies

32.2018.2.4 Station silly etc. Miss each other

33.2018.2 During the winter vacation, the sofa hugged each other in the sun

34.2018.2 During the winter vacation, JSC big dog fights

35.2018.2.14 Before and after and WJN and Big Dog went to Chenghuang Temple and Baoshan Wanda wanted to buy a gift snack gift package for XYQ

36.2018.2.15 Chinese New Year's Eve Break up that night Hammer Wall 2018.2.16 Spring Festival

37.2018.2.20 Lying to me and not coming back is actually a big surprise

38.2018.2.24 JSC was beaten at the station and asked her to go first and cried

39.2018.3.2 Lantern Festival Teacher Tangyuan WJN hamster

40.2018.3.10 WSY WJN RYX XYQ I GU CUN

41. At the beginning of March 2018, the police station comforted her mother's parents

42.2018.3.9 Mr. Yan runs back and forth at the station

43.2018.Mid-Mar Director of Political Education Review Love Letter "Because You're Not Bad Enough"

44.2018.3.18 113 days of mutual praise

45.2018.3.30 Wait an hour at the station, go home early, QQ Space "I'm here for you at any time"

46.2018.3.31 "Can you not be so naïve" Seven days to calm down

47.2018.4.1 Uncomfortable, go downstairs for a walk

48.2018.4.5/2018.4.6 Last time to go out to play 20 minutes 20 yuan QQ top replacement person

49.2018.4.7 Fever Express

50.2018.4.8 Mention of breakups, breakup letters, memoirs, "We won't break up"

51.2018.4.9 Officially broke up

Temporal Indeterminate Events:

1. Send ruler, keyboard, phone case

2. Hule note

3. "In the future, you will hold me, and I will hold the stinky fart"

4. Dream XYQ dies and cries

5. Kiki Coco Gemdale After Grass Kiki with her

6. Midnight WTL

7. Don't like me using EMMM

8. Like to pretend to be pathetic

9. "You don't pretend to be a milk dog"