sicken

From the beginning of 2012 to March, I gradually became ill. The initial symptom was insomnia, which became less and less sleep every day, and later progressed to the point of staying awake all night while taking sleeping pills.

In mid-March, after two weeks of sleepless nights, my body finally collapsed and I had to leave my job.

At the beginning of my sick leave, I thought that I just had a good rest and resumed sleep. I don't know that it is getting worse and worse, and I can't sleep at all every day. Every time, when I was so sleepy that I was about to fall asleep, I would suddenly have heart palpitations and wake up. I remember texting a friend and described: "I felt like a soldier was guarding the sleeping gate, and when drowsiness came, he stabbed him in the heart with a spear to scare it away." ”

At the same time as insomnia, undesirable physical symptoms begin to appear. Headache, dizziness, inability to concentrate, loss of appetite, sluggish thinking, hesitation to do anything. I obviously feel stupid.

Seeking

After two weeks of sick leave, at the prompting of a friend, I finally hesitated to go to Anding Hospital to see a doctor. The doctor gave a diagnosis: moderate depression is severe. Three drugs were prescribed: roller tablets, citalopram hydrobromide tablets, and Sanchen tablets.

Of these three drugs, citalopram hydrobromide tablets are the main drugs. Start with one capsule per day. After a week, add to one and a half capsules; Add to 2 capsules after another week. At the beginning of taking the drug, due to the calming effect of roller tablets and the hypnotic effect of Sanchen tablets, my sleep improved slightly, and I was able to sleep for four to five hours a night.

However, there was no improvement in mood, thinking and action. In this way, I stayed up for two months, and the doctor finally decided to change the dressing: gradually reduce the dose of citalopram hydrobromide tablets to one or half a pill; At the same time, a new drug, mirtazapine, was added, and the dose was increased from half a pill to one and a half capsules in a week.

Mirtazapine has a strong hypnotic effect. When I first took it, my sleep improved, and I was able to sleep for five to six hours without taking Sanchen tablets. But as the body develops tolerance, the hypnotic effect diminishes.

At the same time, other symptoms did not improve in the slightest. At all times, my brain felt like it was filled with lead, or like it was being grasped by an invisible hand, drowsy, slow in thinking, and stumbling in speech; The chest is burning and uncomfortably; not wanting to do anything, or being hesitant to do anything; I don't want to talk, I don't dare to answer the phone calls of acquaintances, I don't read text messages, or I don't reply to text messages when I read them. Of course I don't want to see anyone. Every morning from the moment I wake up, I don't know how to spend the day. Lie in bed, or sit still, or walk around the room. It's just a slow time.

Later, I saw the American writer Andrew Solomon describe his illness in the book "Melancholy", and I felt empathy. Here's what he wrote:

There are not many descriptions of depression in the human text, and patients at that stage are almost completely irrational, but they need dignity, and the average person often lacks respect for the suffering of others. Either way, it's real, especially when you're in the blues.

I still remember lying on all fours in bed crying because I was too scared to get up and take a shower, but at the same time, I knew in my heart that there was nothing to be afraid of in the shower. I mentally repeated a series of actions: get up, then put my feet on the ground, stand up, walk to the bathroom, open the bathroom door, walk to the bathtub, turn on the faucet, stand underwater, wipe my body with soap, rinse, stand out, dry it, and walk back to the bed. The 12 steps are as difficult for me as going through the perilous journey of Jesus. I sat up with all my strength, turned around, and put my feet on the ground, but then I felt so frightened that I turned around and lay back on the bed, but my feet were still on the ground. Then I started crying again, not only because I couldn't do the simplest things in my daily life, but also because it made me feel stupid.

Turn

In helplessness and despair, the water of time glides silently. In early June 2012, the doctor diagnosed me with "severe depression". I was advised to be hospitalized and given electroshock therapy.

I can't be hospitalized and shocked. In the chaos, accepting a friend's opinion, he decided to change doctors and medicines.

This time, I was looking for Dr. Jiang Tao, who has a lot of clinical experience in Anding Hospital. His style of medication was very different from that of his predecessor. He decisively asked me to stop the original three drugs and prescribed four drugs: oxazepam, reboxetine, mirtazapine, and estazolam. (Oxazepam is a tranquilizer, reboxetine is a reuptake inhibitor of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, and estazolam is a sleeping pill)

A week later, he was re-examined, and three more drugs were prescribed: lithium carbonate, sertraline, and Sinosi. (Lithium carbonate is a mood stabilizer, sertraline is a reuptake inhibitor of another neurotransmitter 5-serotonin, and Sinosnos is another hypnotic)

After taking these medications, I gradually experienced serious side effects: headache, dizziness, internal heat, urinary retention, tremors, etc. I remember when the tremor was at its worst, my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't use chopsticks to get food into my mouth; The throat cannot make sounds, the speech is like a low moan, and he cannot speak a few words in a day; My legs are weak, I can't take a step, I feel uneven when I walk, and I can't go down the stairs; The sense of taste is out of order, and the mouth is bitter.

These days are the most painful period of my life. Taking so many drugs at the same time (together taking more than a dozen pills a day), the positive effect of the drugs did not occur, but the side effects did not appear one by one.

During that time, my heart was full of despair, not knowing which day would be the end. I said to myself, "After four months, it was finally these drugs that broke me." ”

It's completely by reason to curb suicidal thoughts. I remember taking the elevator at that time, I used reason to tell myself that I was afraid that I would jump off the impulse when I stayed away from the window next to the elevator.

recover

Fortunately, on the 16th day of taking the medicine, I vaguely felt that the medicine was working.

The first sign is that you can look at your phone. I bought my phone in March and have not developed its functionality because of illness. On the 16th day after the dressing change, I was bored, so I took my phone and tried out the features. Suddenly I realized: I actually focused on doing something for half an hour! I calculated the time to take the medicine, and a hope sprouted in my heart that the medicine might work.

The next day, the effect became more and more apparent. I can concentrate on the computer, I can read a book. I obviously feel that I am clear-headed, think systematically about problems, take the initiative in doing things, and am not afraid to meet people, answer the phone, and reply to messages.

At the same time, I found myself starting to have aspirations. When you see something you used to like to eat on the street, you naturally want to eat it. Seeing colleagues and friends can also create a sense of intimacy that has not been felt for a long time.

When I found myself emotionally regained, I felt an indescribable sense of ecstasy. You know, if a person loses his desire and emotion, he is not a person, but just a shell, a walking corpse.

In the first few days of recovery, I was in high spirits, and my sleep was drastically reduced, and I even stayed up all night at one point. When I told my doctor about this sign, he immediately adjusted the medication: the dose of reboxetine and sertraline was reduced, and olanzapine was newly prescribed. (Olanzapine is mainly used to treat schizophrenia, but it has the effect of suppressing excitement)

After another two weeks, reboxetine was completely discontinued, and sertraline was halved.

After another two weeks, another drug is added: lamotrigine (a mood stabilizer).

I was puzzled by this: why should I stop the effective drug and prescribe a new drug after the drug has worked? At the same time, not only do you not reduce the medicine, but also add the medicine?

The doctor replied: My illness is not simple depression, but soft bipolar in bipolar disorder.

It is to the effect that depression is divided into unipolar and bipolar. Unipolar depression is typical depression; Bipolar depression is not only depressed, but also euphoric.

However, the manifestations of biphasic vary widely and can be broadly divided into type I and type II. Type I is typically biphasic, i.e., exhibiting excessive excitement and mania. For type I, antidepressants alone cannot be used, otherwise they will not reduce depression, but will promote a rapid cycle from excitement to depression, and eventually lead to exhaustion.

Type II is an atypical bipolar, i.e., soft bipolar, to the effect that it is characterized by severe depression and less manic signs. The so-called soft bipolar is a transitional state before the development of a typical bipolar, which is characterized by rapid onset, less sleep, and faster and more talking.

At present, I still take six pills: sertraline (1 pill in the morning), olanzapine (1 pill in the evening), lithium carbonate (2 pills in the morning and evening), oxazepam (half a pill in the morning and noon, 2 pills in the evening), lamotrigine (1 pill in the morning), and Sinosnos (1 pill before bedtime).

Although I was very reluctant to take so many kinds of medicines, after all, relying on these medicines made my condition more and more stable.

And, I'm ready to go to work. Now, the most important thing is to consolidate the efficacy and prevent recurrence.

feel

After 5 months of illness, I have the following experiences:

1. If you are sick, admit the reality and face it. Don't be shy about admitting that you have a mental illness.

2. Depression is an organic disease, not a simple psychological problem. It is necessary to go to a professional hospital in time and find a doctor with rich clinical experience.

3. Stick to your medications. The principle of medication for the treatment of depression is "adequate amount and adequate course of treatment". Most antidepressants have been effective for at least two weeks, and you must not reduce or stop the drug because of the side effects of the drug, otherwise the previous efforts will be wasted.

4. Correct psychotherapy is only effective for patients with mild depression. If depression progresses to moderate or severe, the only way to improve the imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain is to take medication before considering psychotherapy. The efficacy of traditional Chinese medicine in the treatment of depression is uncertain.

5. Persistence, persistence, and persistence. For severe physical symptoms and inner despair, there is no other way to survive it by will. Especially in the first two weeks of taking the drug (i.e., when the positive effect does not appear and the side effects are severe), it is important to use reason to prevent yourself from committing suicide.

According to statistics, one-third of patients with depression can recover on their own, one-third develop chronic, and one-third commit suicide. You must not allow yourself to be the last third.

6. Don't let yourself be idle, try to think about something, do something. Do as much work as you can. Work itself is the best form of treatment.