"Ding Ling ......", a message popped up on the mobile phone, only a short sentence:

I haven't been out for a few days, but I went out this morning and smelled the flowers.

I remember that she was a patient who came to me a year ago. At that time, she had been suffering from depression for 10 years, and she came to Beijing from her hometown to seek medical treatment, and doctors diagnosed her with bipolar disorder.

circulate

One day in May 2014, I led her into Anding Hospital. When she walked out of the hospital, she was holding a pile of medicines that she had bought for more than 700 yuan, her eyes were blank, and her steps were vain.

"To take so many pills? Going to eat for a year? She asked repeatedly.

I didn't want to hide it, so I told her honestly: "Yes, the principle of depression treatment is to have enough and enough treatment. You've delayed it for too long, at least for a year. Get started today. ”

She muttered, "I'll take another look, look again, maybe I'll be fine in two days......"

Later, she kept text messages with me on and off. I've watched her cycle after cycle. Every time, when she fell into depression and was in pain, she promised: After a few days, when she gets out, she will go. However, as soon as she got better and fell into a hypomanic or even manic phase, she was so energetic and elated that she completely forgot how many days ago had been in pain, and thought that she had no need to go to the doctor.

After a long time, I gradually forgot about her, until I received this text message today.

I hurriedly wrote back to ask. After another half hour, she probably got home and sent me a longer text message. She said: "For more than ten days, I was lying in bed alone, not eating or moving, and when I woke up this morning, I suddenly felt refreshed and went out. The sky was cloudy, the air was humid, and when I walked to the boulevard of the community, I suddenly smelled the fragrance of osmanthus flowers. I stood under the osmanthus flowers, I cried, I felt that life had come back. ”

Instead of immediately congratulating me, I asked bluntly, "How did you get a cure this year?" Have you changed your medication? ”

"I haven't taken any medicine, but I've survived it on my own." She replied.

My heart tightened. I understand that this is not a turnaround, but the beginning of a new cycle. For her, fate was nothing more than a redrawn.

I remembered her story.

Wandering life

She is 32 years old, but she has been plagued by depression for more than ten years.

She had an unhappy childhood.

She lives in an old-fashioned traditional family. The family is poor, there are two older sisters, and my parents have always wanted a boy. This kind of thinking and expectation put a lot of pressure on her, and she has a sense of shame as a woman since she was a child. The relationship between her parents is not harmonious, and in her impression, the two have never communicated calmly. The father was an alcoholic, and when he was drunk, he would beat people; Mom is very strong and often loses her temper over small things. Childhood life was a shadow in her heart, and she rarely experienced warmth and love.

Compared to her two older sisters, she is sensitive by nature. It seems that her mother's scolding and complaining about their sisters only affected her. Since she was a child, she has been self-blaming, introspective, and self-limiting. On the surface, he is very obedient, but his inner dissatisfaction is accumulating. She has a closed personality since she was a child, and she is used to wrapping everything, including her emotions, desires, sorrows and joys, and she can't even feel herself.

Entering adolescence and high school, she was often in a very extreme state. At that time, no one knew that it would be a disease. Emotions go up and down, who takes it seriously?

After growing up and leaving home, she entered a period of uncertainty. The psychological trauma of her childhood has been following her, inducing bad emotions. She has not been in love for a long time because she does not dare to take on the responsibilities of a family and does not have the confidence to run a happy family. Or rather, she doesn't know how to love someone.

For a while, she was especially scared of getting a call from home. As soon as she talked to her on the phone, she would complain to her about her father, her sister, and all her relatives. She was irritable and at a loss, and even had a shortness of breath when she saw her mother's call on her phone, and it was difficult to control herself. But after the emotion, she blamed herself, tried hard to be good to her mother, and tried to find a way to make up for it.

The most humiliating thing happened after she went out into society. It now appears that by that time her condition had entered a cyclical period of bipolar disorder, with mania and depression alternating ravaged her. It should be during the manic period, and she repeatedly had one-night stands. She was a traditional girl, and afterwards, she was extremely disgusted with herself. She doesn't know that she is sick, she can't figure it out, she can't figure it out, she can only attribute it to being a bad girl. She hated herself so much, felt that she was dirty, useless, incompetent, and deserved to die, and wanted to destroy herself.

"The shame is indescribable." To this day, when she talks about this past, she still blames herself for a long time and can't look back.

The inner conflict is also reflected in her relationships. She worked one job after another, and the longest working time was no more than a year. Unemployment has become commonplace, which has become another exciting point in her life. "I can't figure out if unemployment is causing the onset of illness or if the onset of illness is causing unemployment."

Irritability and irritability are her enemies in the workplace. At work, sometimes a colleague asks some questions, or the boss assigns some tasks, her first reaction is often disgust and impatience. Later, she would reflect on herself: Why are you so irritable? Why can't you control yourself? Is this because of his own personality, or is it because of illness?

This is how she manifested herself in her manic phase. If she turns into a depressed state, she will completely withdraw from it. When the condition is serious, I can't get out of bed at all, I don't go out for months, I don't see anyone, and I can't even wash and bathe normally.

Where is the hope

At the end of 2013, she was out of work for a long time and felt the harsh pressure to survive. That's when she saw an article I had written on the Internet, and by contrast, she suspected that she was also having bipolar disorder. She struggled to get out of bed and decided to see a doctor.

She first visited two hospitals in her city, one is a comprehensive second-class hospital and the other is a psychiatric hospital. However, the level of these two hospitals is very low. She told the doctor that she suspected that she was bipolar, and the doctor actually asked her, "What is bipolar?" ”

So, she contacted me and went to Beijing for medical treatment. Accompanied by me, I walked out of the gate of Anding Hospital with more than 700 yuan of medicine in my hands.

She told me only recently about what happened after that. After leaving Beijing, she still couldn't make up her mind to take medicine. At this time, a friend recommended a meditation class to her, claiming that "it combines the essence of Chinese and Western medicine, the concept of overall health of body, mind and spirit, the Yellow Emperor's internal classics, the five elements of physical therapy, emotional conditioning, etc., to form a complete set of non-drug conditioning methods, through emotional conditioning, psychological counseling, and harmonious family, from the perspective of love, wisdom, positive energy, and emotion to help depressed friends return to health."

This does not require medication. She saw hope and suddenly became relieved. In May 2013, she rushed to that city to attend a meditation class. It feels good at first, but what good can it be in the end? She still can't get rid of the cycle of mania and depression, and even the speed of the cycle is getting faster and faster, from the original cycle of half a year to a cycle of three or four months, or even a cycle of a month; Moreover, there are more and more times when you are depressed, and there are shorter and shorter times when you are restless.

In the second half of 2013, she fell into a deep depression again. As usual, she locked herself in the house, lay down all day, did not eat, did not move, did not speak, and even wrote a suicide note, ready to die. - Who would have thought that she would come back to life?

"I succeeded, I beat myself." She said.

I hesitated, still thinking I couldn't go along with her. I replied, "You should know that you can see the colors and smell the flowers, it's a reversal." I reckon you'll be able to regain your vitality today and tomorrow. Hurry up and take this opportunity to use your limited strength for healing, and put your mania down and don't wait for the next cycle. ”

Her answer made me anxious and angry: "What if I use medication to suppress it, what if it becomes depressed?" It's a great feeling now. I really don't want to go back to depression, it's horrible. I don't want to experience it in my life. ”

I was anxious: "It's not that the medicine will make you depressed, but that your illness will automatically transform from mania to depression!" Medication is to help you stabilize, why don't you listen! ”

She was indifferent. She seemed to be still immersed in the excitement of feeling the scent of flowers, and told me that she planned to take advantage of the victory and come to Beijing to attend a course on mind-body integration therapy. This teacher is a family of traditional Chinese medicine, and he studied Western psychology, integrating traditional Chinese medicine, five elements, massage, and Western psychology together, and created a set of mind-body integration therapy.

"Teacher, didn't you say that depression is a specific disease? Everyone gets better in different ways, and I'm looking for ways that work for me. She said.

I have nothing to say. I knew that she would not agree to be treated in a manic euphoria. I just had to wait until she was depressed again.

However, at that time, she would be extremely withdrawn and unable to seek medical treatment. How to deal with such contradictions? When will she be able to smell the flowers in a truly healthy way?

As long as it is diagnosed correctly and treatment is adhered to, depression is not difficult to cure. It's just a big dream that lets you experience another life.