Li Yaling gradually really found the feeling of being a city person. After three years of college life and half a year of married life, she has fully integrated into the city. She no longer has to worry about returning to the countryside one day, because her hukou and files have been accepted by the city. In other words, she's now a city dweller through and through.

She lives in a tube building, sometimes on the night shift, sometimes on the day shift, and when she comes home after work, she simply cleans up, and then waits for Zhang Song to come back. Every evening, it is Zhang Song's preparation time, as long as Li Yaling is at home, Zhang Song has to go to the office to prepare for class, he said that it is quiet there. In the past, Zhang Song was preparing for class in the tube building, and at that time, he was preparing for class while having a tryst with Li Yaling, but now Li Yaling is the only one at home and keeping the empty room.

How Li Yaling hopes that time will go back to the past, when the two of them couldn't wait to stay together every minute and every second, but now, Zhang Song only knows how to escape, I don't know whether to escape Li Yaling or escape this marriage that came at an inopportune time.

It's late, Li Yaling can't wait to come back Zhang Song, she can only wash and sleep by herself, Zhang Song sometimes comes back when she is not asleep, sometimes she is already asleep, Zhang Song comes back lazily, and she can't lift her spirits.

She snuggled up to him, hoping that he would kiss her, but he pushed her away and said, "I'm tired, go to sleep." As a result, he rolled over and fell asleep. But she couldn't sleep, looking at the night, listening to the alarm clock ticking, she began to miss the happy times before marriage, she really wanted to go back to the past. She then remembered a quote from a book: The best time for a man and a woman is to fall in love rather than get married.

But in order to stay in the city, she had to get married. Zhang Song was not in a hurry to marry her at that time, he was passive, and she even threatened him. They got married in this helplessness, so there was this helpless ending.

Sometimes, she came back from work in high spirits and had a desire to talk to him, and he came back on time for dinner. In order to make this meal last longer, she specially fried two more dishes, poured a glass of wine and put it on the table. He sat at the table, did not seem to see the wine, nor did he see her mood, and ate in a hurry, as always, his expression was so-so, and when she saw him like this, her good mood was hit, but she still wanted to express her good wishes.

She said, "Would you like to get some clothes for the weekend?" It's more appropriate for you to wear a gray shirt.

He said: I have to work overtime on weekends, forget it.

She also said: If you don't go at night, the store closes late, and there is still time.

He also said: I will prepare for class in the evening.

She didn't know what to say, looking at his rice bowl, and when she was cleaning up the dining table, she could only silently pour the glass of wine into the bottle.

In the evening, sometimes she walked out of the tube building alone, walked around the campus, and saw young college students in twos and threes, some whispering under the shade of the trees, some hugging each other, doing some things that young people are in love. She finally walked downstairs to the office building and saw the light from Zhang Song's teaching and research room, he was still there, as if she had returned to the past. She looked at the lights of Zhang Song in the tube building, and felt so warm, so urgent, and so impulsive. Her emotions are still there at this time, but what about Zhang Song? She stood in the shadow of a tree and looked at the light of the window, tears quietly flowing out of nowhere. She felt a sense of loss and melancholy.

If she was a bit utilitarian about the city before she got married, now her state of mind has changed radically. She doesn't want to be rich and rich in life, she only wants what life should have. If she had known that marriage was like this, she would rather give up staying in the city and find her own romance and warmth. Li Yaling is a young woman after all, and she has the dreams and requirements of young women for life.

She began to quarrel with Zhang Song, and it was out of control, she seemed to have a lot of resentment in her heart, and there was nowhere to vent it, she could only vent it through the quarrel with Zhang Song.

She said: What kind of life is this, I have had enough.

At dinner one night, she said to Zhang Song.

Zhang Song was obviously unprepared for her tone and the content of her speech, and looked at her through the lenses with a pair of confused eyes.

She said: Zhang Song, you have changed, what you treated me before marriage, and what you are like now, you say, you say.

Zhang Song didn't come back to his senses for a while, and still looked at her so strangely.

She said again: Look at what I am doing, why are you listless all day long, and you don't even want to say a word to me. Tell you Zhang Song, this marriage is not what I begged for, if you didn't treat me so much, I wouldn't ask to marry you.

Zhang Song reacted after a while, and stammered: I, what's wrong with me?

She said: What's wrong, you know it yourself. Zhang Song, let me ask you, are you dissatisfied with me?

Zhang Song didn't seem to have pondered this topic yet, and he didn't know how to answer it for a while.

After a while, Zhang Songcai said: Now we are still young, and we will still have a long life in the future, I want to learn more things while I am young, and it will definitely be useful in the future.

This sentence revealed a flaw, which Li Yaling caught, and she immediately said: If you are kind to me, will it affect your progress?

Li Yaling said this sentence without any problems, Zhang Song was stunned for a long time before saying: Am I not good enough for you? You said that if you get married, you will get married, and after you get married, your monthly salary will be given to you, what else do you want?

Li Yaling shed tears, she wiped her tears and said: I don't want your salary, I just want to live a normal life, you are always very busy, you don't even have time to talk to me, sometimes you don't even look at me for a day, is this your good to me?

Zhang Song had nothing to say, after arguing like this once, it really changed. After dinner, I can also find time to accompany Li Yaling for a walk around the campus. At that time, Li Yaling was happy, she put her hand in Zhang Song's arm, and sometimes the bodies of the two kept touching each other, Li Yaling seemed to have found that feeling of being overpowered, like when she was in love.

After walking for a while, Zhang Song looked at his watch and said: I should prepare for class.

Li Yaling said: Send me back to the door, and you can go again.

Zhang Song accompanied her to the door of the tube building, the two of them stopped, Zhang Song was leaving, she called him back again, helped him straighten his neckline, and then looked at him away.

Li Yaling returned home alone, she was in a good mood, she was still humming a song, beaming, and before going to bed, she took the time to look at the cases brought to the house for a while, and then went to bed and lay down, she waited for Zhang Song to come back early.

After Zhang Song came back, she had already slept for a while, she reached out and touched one of Zhang Song's arms holding him, and then fell asleep again. Tomorrow she will be on the morning shift, and she will have to get up at five o'clock and then go to take over. Zhang Song doesn't have to be so early, he can rush to class at eight o'clock to teach the students, so she always goes to bed first.

After such a few days lasted, Zhang Song went to her own way again, and went to the office to prepare for class and read books after eating every night, leaving her alone at home, at this time, her heart was very uneasy, watching the alarm clock move forward little by little, she couldn't do anything, and she was very upset. She listened to the movement in the corridor from time to time, and a few times she listened to the footsteps outside the door and thought that Zhang Song was back, she was busy opening the door, but it turned out that it was not Zhang Song, so she closed the door in disappointment, very depressed. Then she lay in bed, but she couldn't sleep, tossing and turning, she began to have insomnia. Finally, Zhang Song came back, he lay down next to her, and after a while, Zhang Song fell asleep and snored. She sat up and looked at him, in the dark, Zhang Song looked hazy. The Zhang Song in front of her is still the same as the previous Zhang Song, but things are no longer human, and this day is not at all different from what she imagined. She really wanted to yell at him and wake him up from his dream, but her resentment built up in her heart little by little, and finally exploded again one day.

She said, "You don't have me in your heart."

He looked stunned and said: Why is there no you?

She said: You just don't have me, only your students, do you have a crush on which one is younger?

He didn't have anything to do about her nonsense, so he waved his hand and said: I just like the young one, are you tired like this? We are now husband and wife, not a couple in love, how can there be so many things every day, can we have time to do something serious?

Zhang Song is not a romantic person, and he does not have an accurate positioning of that kind of married life.

She listened to him, and tears flowed again, and she was very sad, and all the romance and fantasy had abandoned her.

She said: You have accompanied me to the street a few times, and you can't even remember my birthday, what is the point of living with you like this?

He didn't want to quarrel with her, so he hurriedly finished eating, picked up the lesson plan and went to the office. Sometimes, he simply doesn't come back and sleeps in the office with a mat. With such a quarrel, it often takes a few days of stalemate before life can return to normal.

This kind of real life is what Li Yaling didn't expect, she has many romantic ideas about marriage, when they were in the college dormitory, they were lying in bed, girls dreamed of marriage, and of course she also had her own fantasies. How happy she was when they collectively fell in love with Teacher Zhang Song, because at that time, she was the closest to Teacher Zhang Song, and she thought she was the happiest person in the world at that time.

However, the real marriage smashed her dream, and the marriage she dreamed of and pursued turned out to be such a picture, and Li Yaling felt deeply disappointed. This is the so-called happiness she gets, and when Li Yaling is alone, she can't help but feel sad.

Whether it is going to work or getting off work, she has lost her enthusiasm and emotions, when she first got married, she was so attached to the home in this tube building, when she locked the door, she always had to look back and look at it nostalgically, when she went downstairs, she raised her head to look at her own window, she had a very down-to-earth feeling, like a floating seed finally found the land, with a kind of roots and hope. Every day she comes back from work, no matter morning or evening, she always has to go to the vegetable market to buy vegetables first, and come back happily, after entering the door, she doesn't even have time to change her clothes, so she lights a fire, and the corridor of the whole tube building is intertwined with a song of life in a stir-fry sound. At that time, Li Yaling sighed how meaningful life is. When she thinks of life, her eyes are wet and damp, and she is grateful for life.

As time passed, life changed to a different level. What kind of mood cultivates what kind of life, life is actually a mood, at this time, Li Yaling has no such mood, and life will lose its luster.

Zhang Song seems to have long been familiar with this kind of life, and he began to escape as soon as he got married, and he was at odds with Li Yaling. Li Yaling can't help but complain, can't help but fight with Zhang Song, and grab it. When she was in school, she was secretly in love with Zhang Song, at that time she was sweet and had a possessive desire for Zhang Song, from emotion to psychology, she and Zhang Song still have a certain distance, this distance is caused by the relationship between teachers and students, she is a student, Zhang Song is a teacher, because this distance has an aesthetic. However, he is no longer her teacher, and she is not his student anymore, and then they can only be husband and wife, this relationship makes them not give an inch, and it is reasonable to argue that this is the relationship between husband and wife. From the ideal to the reality.

Because of the change in Li Yaling's mood, she is no longer so eager to go home after work in the hospital, she used to be the first to change her clothes and rush out like a charge. Now, like all the old doctors and nurses, she has learned to be slow and unhurried, she has taken off her gloves, changed her clothes, and put soap on her hands under the faucet, so that she can walk down unhurriedly, and keep greeting the people around her.

When approaching the building, she no longer looked up to look for her own window, but went upstairs with her head down, and several times she found the wrong door, and when she took out the key to open someone else's door, she realized that she had gone wrong. Li Yaling's expression also became cowardly because of this. She stopped arguing with Zhang Song, he came back when he came back, and if he didn't come back, she didn't expect anything from him.

When two people eat, there are also those who don't have a match.

He said: The foundation of this class of freshmen is very good, and it is much stronger than your group of workers, peasants and soldiers.

She said, "Yes, are there any beautiful girls?"

After a while, she said: Two new college students were assigned to our hospital, and a small appendix surgery went wrong.

He looked at her again and put the bowl down.

She also put down the bowl, and suddenly remembered something and said: Zhang Song, I want a child.

This idea came to her suddenly, and at the moment when she put down her job, after saying it at this time, the idea suddenly became thicker and bigger, and became extremely tenacious. She looked at him nervously.

He didn't speak, just looked at her thoughtfully for a while before saying, "It's okay, maybe you won't think nonsense when you have a child."

She was thrilled when his idea was approved, and she was disturbed by the noise of another ideal. Ordinary life is always looking forward to the thrilling, not only the water is not prosperous, but also wants to change. In this anticipation, she made up her mind to have a child, and maybe by then, she would really be happy. Since everyone is going to get married, and they all have to have children after they get married, why not get the process done earlier?

Since then, she has been wholeheartedly preparing for the birth of a child. Since she was pregnant out of wedlock, she has learned a lesson, when she had that relationship with Zhang Song, she insisted on using tools, and Zhang Song also obeyed her words and persisted until now. Now that they want to have children, the tools will not be used. So they began to work together in unison, which was the most consistent thing they had since they got married. When they had finished loving them, they lay there, limp, and weary.

She said: Maybe if you have a child, you will love home.

He said: With children, you don't think nonsense, life is life, how can there be so many tiring thoughts?

"It can be tiring to have children," she said.

He said: You can bring it if you want to, and if you don't want to bring it, give it to my mother, my mother will retire next year, and she wants grandchildren to go crazy.

These days, Li Yaling will go to Zhang Song's parents' house every once in a while, most of the time is on weekends, sometimes having a meal at his house, Zhang Song's mother doesn't say anything, and more often sweeps Li Yaling's waist with an inquiring gaze. During the meal, Zhang Song's mother said: You are also a big child, and it is time to have a child.

At that time, neither of them took over her mother's stubble, and she had no idea of having children at that time, and she was still immersed in the expectations of marriage and family. Now that she has finally made up her mind to have a baby, she imagines how she will be pregnant in the future, with her chest and belly high. At that time, Zhang Song seemed to be very cooperative with Li Yaling, and got up early every day when she came back from the office to prepare for classes, they all became very diligent, and their lives became sweet again, Li Yaling was immersed in an imaginary sweetness for a while, and her life became positive again, every day when she got off work, she was the first to rush out of the outpatient building, and quickly rode her bicycle to the vegetable market, and her dinner was very hearty every day, her face was ruddy, and her eyes were blurred, as if she had fallen in love again. A woman in love is always charming and cute.

She no longer quarrels with Zhang Song, what is there to quarrel about in such a sweet life, if this life continues like this, she will definitely be satisfied.

But a few months later, she did not get pregnant as expected, and in the process of happiness, she even forgot her original purpose.

Until one day, after Zhang Song sweated profusely and worked hard, he fell on her body and said: It's been a few months, and it's time to get pregnant.

That's when she realized that she originally wanted to get pregnant. She stretched out her hand and touched her smooth belly, she is a medical student, she doesn't need to touch her belly to know if she is pregnant or not, and her normal menstruation every month is enough to prove that she is not pregnant.

After a few months, Zhang Song's mood was not high, and he was not so diligent. Sometimes she came back from the office very late, she had already woken up, he lay beside her, she hoped that he would still do something tonight, so she leaned over and wrapped his hand warmly, he pushed her hand away and said, "I'm too tired, wait two days."

She was a little frustrated, let go of her hand a little bit, her body cooled down a little bit, and she fell asleep after a while. Such days went on for a few more months.

When menstruation came and went every month, he always looked at her with inquiring eyes. If she did, she shook her head and sighed. His gaze had been preceded by some expectation, like a few coals burning on a fire, and then extinguished again after listening to her words.

On several occasions, when her menstruation was delayed for a few days, she made all sorts of marks on the calendar and counted the days accurately, but a few days later, her period came again, and she and he were like deflated balls, so they looked forward to the next month.

After trying to wait for a while, both of them seemed to be tired. She said: I was afraid of getting pregnant before, but I got pregnant, but now I want to get pregnant but can't get pregnant.

Zhang Song said: Why don't you go to the hospital to check, is there something wrong?

She said: What's wrong, it's not that I haven't been pregnant.

He was also silent, disappointed by the hopeless effort.

It was because an eldest sister in Corey encouraged Li Yaling to go for a comprehensive examination that she entered the gynecology department. This eldest sister has also experienced something like this before, and later, a check still found something wrong. I had surgery again, I took medicine again, and finally became pregnant.

Li Yaling really checked out something wrong. The conclusion is this, Li Yaling confessed that she had been pregnant and had a history of abortion, and the doctor followed this clue to check, the last abortion was very unsuccessful, and it caused heavy bleeding after scratching the **. Although the wound has long been healed now, the current ** wall is too thin, the fertilized egg cannot implant in the **, there is no land for survival, and the seeds will naturally not take root, bloom, and bear fruit.

This diagnosis is fatal. Li Yaling has studied medicine, and she is a doctor herself, which is invisibly equivalent to a sentence that she will be infertile for life. That day, when she came to this conclusion, she sat on the examination bed for a long time and did not come down, her face pale and numb.

When she walked out of the gynecology department, she was already in tears, a woman who wanted to be a mother, suddenly pronounced that she had no right to be a mother, and undoubtedly announced her death sentence.

That day, when she returned home, she fell on the bed without washing her hands or her face, and the lights were not turned on. It wasn't until Zhang Song came back that he turned on the light when he entered the door, saw Li Yaling with a sluggish expression on the bed, and came over in surprise and asked: Are you sick?

After he finished speaking, he reached out and touched her head, she was not hot, and even had a cold forehead.

He asked again: What's wrong with you?

She took out the examination report from under the pillow, and Zhang Song only glanced at it a few times, and then understood everything. He sat there, studying the paper over and over again, as if he didn't believe it.

Li Yaling suddenly found an outlet, she sat up and shouted at him: At the beginning, you said that you wouldn't get pregnant and tricked me into bed, what was the result, if it wasn't at the beginning, how could there be today?

After saying that, she covered her head with the quilt and began to cry heartbreakingly, this is a cry of grief, a cry of destruction.

Zhang Song sat there in a daze, as if he was sitting in a dream.

She was groggy for a few days before her emotions stabilized, and she resigned herself to her fate. She felt that this was her life, and that it was all about the price to pay for getting into the city.

If she didn't fall in love with Zhang Song at the beginning, that is, if she fell in love without an accidental pregnancy, the whole school would not know that she was in love with Zhang Song, and she would not have the right to ask Zhang Song to marry her. Thinking of these, her heart is balanced, her emotions are stable, since she has accepted her fate, life is life again, people live in this world, there are many desires to be satisfied, for desire, day by day there is a hope and direction of efforts.