Gao Yi felt bored. She stood up and walked to the window. Outside the window is a large grassy area, but unfortunately the grass is already yellow, and it doesn't have that big lawn feeling. She had to walk back slowly, sit down, sit down at her desk, open the drawer, put her hands in the drawer, and lowered her head, so that she could see that she was reading. As for what the reading material is, it's hard to say. Everyone knew that she was reading, and the open book was lying in a drawer, maybe it wasn't a book of any kind, a piece of paper with words on it, or a lesson preparation note. Gao Yi always has this posture when she is in a meeting, and she never participates in group discussions. If you don't spread the book on the table, you are saving face for the leader. Gao Yi's reading is sincere, and he does not mean to provoke.

She sat up straight, her body motionless, and the only movement except breathing was probably blinking her eyelids. Maybe her fingers were moving—turning pages, drawing bars, but she couldn't see anything at all from a distance. Gao Yi's reading is mysterious, and everyone wants to know what makes her so focused? Perhaps she didn't read anything, just looking and admiring her white fingers, or staring at the bottom of a drawer made of horse dung paper.

Only she knew that what attracted attention were two sloppy white slips of paper with the students' names and student numbers printed on them.

Although Gao Yi is a counselor, he also attends large classes, with a total of 70 students in two small classes, so there are two slips of paper - the list of students in the two classes.

There were different men and women on the list, and the girls' names were marked with an asterisk. Since there are more women than men, it is economical to have an asterisk next to the boy's name (rather than the girl's name). Before the official class, Gao Yi read these two lists and couldn't help but be a little disappointed. Her imagination is limited to all the names with an asterisk, and thinks that people with cute names must also be handsome. However, the opposite is often the case, based on years of teaching experience: the names of handsome boys are always vulgar. Gao Yi is fully mentally prepared for this.

After the Bai Ruyan incident, she has now converged a lot. In the past, she was very annoyed when she learned her nickname from the other girls in the school, Mrs. Gao, but now she felt that she was about to enter the second stage and accepted it calmly. If there is a third stage in the future - inseparable from this nickname, then she thinks she should be able to adapt to it.

She was originally a real college teaching assistant, but after the departure of the previous counselor, the school unexpectedly did not recruit a new counselor for a long time, so the leadership saw that she was thoughtful and upright, and let her work as a part-time counselor. But being called an old lady still made her sad for a long time - in fact, she was only forty-three years old, but the divorced state made her look a little old.

During the lesson, she carefully called names, cautiously and modestly asked questions of the girls below. She tries to be seemingly impartial. The ratio of boys to girls in the class is about 1 to 7, so Ms. Gao has to ask about five girls before she can ask a boy. After a long process of more than a month, Gao Yi gradually made his imagination conform to the reality in front of him. However, she was not in a hurry. The joy lies in bringing imagination closer to reality, verifying and adjusting it in reality.

The course she teaches is called Fundamental Studies in Economic Theory, and it is an English version of the textbook, which is surprisingly boring. Gao Yi no longer had the luxury of pleasing students, but she had to at least find some fun for herself. The interest in handsome boys is not so serious. Only when she makes herself feel that she is in love with someone, and who she thinks she is lecturing for, can this lesson continue, and maybe it can be lively and interesting. She knew very well that this was just some kind of teaching and living method, and it really couldn't be done. That's why she's always thinking differently and is very loving, falling in love with two or three more boys every semester.

The exception was Kesco, who was the most handsome boy she had ever taught. But Gao Yi is willing to use the word "handsome" to describe him, but to say that he looks "spiritual" - there is a slight change in the choice of words and sentences, and then she finds herself a little into the role. She still missed him after leaving the class, thinking of him sitting among his classmates, and everyone but him was blurred. Or, her classmates are all clear-faced, but Kesco J can't figure out what he looks like. She knew what he looked like, but she couldn't see it in front of her, and she felt anxious about it.

This is indeed a bit excessive as part of the game, so much so that Gao Yi needs to consciously restrain some imagination and compress it within the normal range. She could only miss him in class, including at most ten minutes of recess, and as soon as the bell rang for the end of class, she should immediately forget about him, leaving his image behind. However, she could imagine his body, the young body behind his clothes and expressions, and its functions. But Gao Yi found that she couldn't do this, the fun that had been tried and tested in the past was gone, and she imagined him to the outside. Maybe you should find fault with him, such as his nose is not high, his teeth are bad, and he is obviously a "tetracycline tooth". It is not uncommon for children of his age to have tetracycline teeth, all of which are attacked by tetracycline during the developmental stage, so that the teeth grow black or yellow and green. When they smile or laugh, they show their small black mouths or large mouths. The more black mouths there are, the more comforting Gao Yi feels, because this is the most direct proof of the effectiveness of her lectures. She couldn't have welcomed the little black mouths, including Casco's, of course. And her ex-husband has a mouth as neat as a white actor, and black teeth are rare in comparison.

Kesco wears a black jacket and is slightly chubby, and likes to sit in the first row during class. He is not tall, about 1.70 meters, and his eyes are slender and provoking upward. Once he passed in front of the podium, Gao Yi happened to see him directly on the side, and the blazing eyes even extended into her sideburns. Of course, it was just an illusion, and she felt that his gaze was everywhere, and the swirling waves seemed to be looking at anyone who dared to enter the range of his eyelids, no matter the angle.

He always looked at her, with the rest of his eyes. Sitting in the chair under the podium, he took note after note. His legs were on the lattice on the back of his stilts, so that the chair was backwards, and only two hind legs were on the ground.

His posture looks dangerous, but it's actually safe. He never leaves his chair in class, and when he is with it, he has no scruples and dares to play all kinds of tricks. As a result, his gaze was doubly presumptuous, chasing Gao Yi in the lecture hall. He didn't look at her nakedly. To avoid the unnecessary, he turned his focus away and stared at the poster or roof behind the classroom. However, the afterglow of her eyes did not relax for a moment, enveloping her figure like a transparent glass cover. He only had the opportunity to look directly at her during the lecture, when all the students were facing Gao Yi, and no one could follow his gaze. He stared at her for a long time, for her wide eyes looked so beautiful and empty that one could not help but be afraid.

Due to the limitations of time and place, all observations are superficial, while all pain is internal and deep. After the divorce, Gao Yi's understanding of feelings has changed again.

The superficial, dazzling thing belonged to Kesco, and Gao Yi only possessed the unspeakable pain.

One afternoon, she left school and came home from the back door and rode long along a fence. The terrain is slightly uphill, and she rides slowly, surrounded by typical rural landscapes: blocky farmland, shining rivers and villages in the distance. She thought of Casco's image and felt a pang of distress. I don't know what stimulated her. There was some spilled lime on the dirt road, which was left behind by the tractor's transport, and it was dazzlingly white. She left school and rode home. Kesco hadn't finished school yet, and was still studying on his own in one of the school's classrooms. But he is a local, he usually does not live in school, and he will also leave after Gao Yi leaves. Gao Yi was saddened by all these mistakes.

About him and this common campus, Gao Yi wrote a poem entitled "A University in the Suburbs" -

A university in the suburbs / around 4 p.m. / the building on the site has been built up to three floors / on the other side of the road / it is a dormitory that was completed half a year ago / the design is the same as it is under construction / between the buildings / it is still an empty space / people are constantly walking / as if the distance is being measured

A gust of wind came from this season / There was no sound on campus / A piece of paper under the sand and gravel / The trees moved away during construction / A cloud shadow at four o'clock in the afternoon / Brought coolness / I walked towards the school gate / Calculate the time spent

For Gao Yi, the school is, as the poem reveals, so superficial. In the past, she only came here twice a week to study politics and business, except for classes. She didn't say a word when she was studying, like a fool, and put her hands in the drawer to look at something. She also never goes to the faculty lounge during recess. Gao Yi claimed that he had never used any of the school's facilities, such as the cafeteria, bathrooms, library, etc. Maybe she went to the toilet, and it was a last resort, but it can be said responsibly that she was just there to relieve herself. She only came to school for classes, and left as soon as the class was over. This superficial, temporary, and unimportant place did not reach out to Gao Yi's imagination and desires, and it still carried all its superficiality, hardness, and diaphragm on the one hand.

It's like a sharp stone slowly growing in Gao Yi's heart.

Before meeting Casco, she thought her life was far away from the school, and it was just a place for her to earn money. She came and went in a hurry, like a passerby, and she did. On the other side of the city, there used to be her home, her husband, her friends, and literature, and that was the purpose of life. Now that everything is reversed, ends and means are reversed, home, husband, and literature have become so remote and unreal, that the road back is painful.

During the rainy season, Gao Yi stayed in the gloomy office, looking out at the open space outside the building through the windowpane. Opposite is the school building, where groups of students frolic and bask in the sun during recess. She saw Kesco, holding arms with a girl and hurrying by. She recognized it, and it was recognized as the most difficult thorn in the whole system - He Jinying. Another time she was alone, lost in thought in the sun. Her head was slightly sideways, her hair unevenly parted, a little more on one side and a little less on the other, and a little more hair on that side obscured her face. Gao Yi's hair was like silk in the sunlight, shining with the unique light of expensive things.

Some of the boys were moving around her, but what they were doing had nothing to do with the peaceful center. Even so, Gao Yi still envied them. In contrast, she was on an even more marginal periphery, and even he didn't realize her attention. She's just a voyeur in hiding. Between him and her were airtight walls, glass, open spaces, and boys his age who had just passed the voice-changing period. Sometimes she really wants to be his classmate, go to class with him, study on her own, and go in and out of his left and right. However, if she really went back to many years ago, the only person who went to class, went to the cafeteria and turned on the water with him was Gao Yi. Her former husband, Hua Yun, who was his college classmate, is on the record and cannot be changed. So does it mean that Gao Yi is willing to start from scratch with Huayun again? The answer is no, unless that person is not Hua Yun but Kesco. Her reverie meditation has obvious contradictions that no one can solve.

At the beginning of the rainy season, Gao Yi walked through the campus and found that the clumps of willows by the river were gradually green, and he had an indescribable emotion, as if he had opened his eyes for the first time and saw such green. They emerge like a mist in the trees. The temperature was still low, but it was sunny, and the sun was warming his back through the fabric of his clothes. At that time, Gao Yi remembered Kesco again. She has become so juvenile, susceptible and sentimental, and touches the scene.

She stepped out from behind the glass in her office, in a world of revival with Casko. Theoretically, the distance between them is much further than during the dry season.

There is a kindergarten downstairs in her house, and the children's singing often wakes her up from a long nap. The childish singing sounds especially touching when you are half asleep.

Gao Yi lives on the fifth floor, and her and Hua Yun's extra-large wedding bed is located under the south-facing window, and the downstairs across the wall is the roof of the kindergarten. The organ was played simply, and the children repeated a certain line over and over again, and a rough and loud sound rose upward, shaking Gao Yi's window and making the glass rattle. About thirty or forty kids, right? They sang one by one. It was the most tired and vulnerable moment of Gao Yi's day, and if it weren't for the children's singing, she would have been lying down and waiting for the sky to get dark. When she remembered Casco, she suddenly had an inspiration. Gao Yi turned over and went to the ground, looking for pen and paper. She slumped down at the table and quickly wrote the first stanza of the poem, entitled "The Children's Chorus"—

The children are singing / I can make out your voice / I see the roof of the chorus / I see the home of the only child / And then I see the day that is going to pass / It is the first time I fall in love with a collective

Gao Yi was very nervous, because she saw that the quality of this poem was extraordinary, and she was afraid that something would be missed. He held his breath and wrote the second verse—

These immortal children stand there / without hatred or tenderness / They sing a wider voice / Just like you look at me quietly / I guess your voice is substantial

She couldn't hold on any longer, put down the paper and pen, and went downstairs to buy groceries in order to suppress the flood of feelings in her heart. At the farmer's market, she deliberately haggles with the man who sells eggs. She gave him a hundred dollars, and the man said:

"Look clearly, this is a ten-piece piece." She saw clearly, it was indeed a ten-dollar piece, and she just thought that she had given the man a hundred-dollar one. Although he was skeptical, Gao Yi really didn't dare to be sure whether he had brought a hundred or ten yuan to go downstairs. This incident not only did not interfere with her mood, but on the contrary, it was beneficial to her, and she did not think about the poem again for a long time. After returning home, Gao Yi put down the vegetable basket and then wrote the third and final stanza of the poem -

In the square, children run cross-cutting / You will be with them / Not for my ears or anyone's ears / Never sing / This song in a whisper to them

At this time, she and Hua Yun had no signs of divorce, at least for Gao Yi, it was unthinkable. This is not to say that it means a painful separation, but rather that divorce portends a wonderful freedom and hope. Gao Yi believes that such a good thing will never come to him. She is a former married person and feels a deep inferiority complex for this. She must have been wrong in her conclusion, believing that divorce must be the only obstacle to her and Casko.

She struggled to make a list of vital things under the lamp. The inductees are divided into three grades according to their relationship and wealth. She will borrow money from them separately to pay for Hua Yun's tuition fees to study in Australia.

He thinks that this is the only way for him to survive, and if he misses this village, he will not have this shop, so he needs to do his best. There are forty people on the list, and tomorrow Hua Yun will send forty letters of debt, and he will turn forty friends into creditors. There is an obvious absurdity in this matter, but Gao Yi does not object.

When she returned, she saw Hua Yun working on the cover of the computer desk (they were divorced and lived in two rooms in a house only because the property could not be divided and it would take time to sell). Gao Yi gave up the computer desk to Hua Yun, and used the sewing machine she had long abandoned as a table for her own use). She glanced at it contemptuously, but remained silent. Gao Yi could feel his stupidity even when his back was on him. She was laughing at his incompetence, and he had to use forty friends one by one. She was laughing at his friends for being so useless, that it took forty of them to get together. She despised his ostentatious nature, and the letters and lists of debts were piled up like extravagant shavings on the narrow planks, and all he wanted to show was that he had done his best.

She came back late, without any explanation or greeting, and quickly washed up and went back to her room to sleep. The whole suite is quiet again. Hua Yun was only disturbed for a moment.

Now, he was more at ease than he had been before she had returned. Before she went home, his train of thought was still partially haunted by her. When she came back and fell asleep as if she had died forever, she completely disappeared from his thoughts. As the night wore on, Casco's image became clearer and more complete. She was half-lying on the bed thinking about him, silently smoking a cigarette. Her mind gradually drifts into the realm of the occult, encountering subtlety and unexpectedness. Later, she simply crossed her legs and held the dantian with her back straight, hoping to be guided by some kind of transcendent power. He silently recited someone's name until her lower abdomen was hot and she couldn't help but sweat. At the same time, the man in the other house snored in his dream - two worlds under one roof are far apart.

When Hua Yun got up early to go to work, Gao Yi was still sleeping. Then they would miss the day until the evening when she got off work and they would meet again — a possibility that was only theoretical. In fact, they didn't eat dinner together for a long time, although Gao Yi would cook dinner once in a while and remember to put two sets of utensils. He's used to self-preservation.

Of course, there will be a vigil for her, and if Gao Yi comes back too late (more than half past ten) he will follow her path to meet her.

It just shows that he is too neurotic, that she interferes with his rhythm and makes him feel that something is on his mind, so he is not sure.

He didn't have to know where she had gone after work, and if she didn't come back all night, he just had to let him know beforehand. Gao Yi didn't want to make a fuss. stiff, especially when each other's minds are well understood. Now they don't fight as hard as they used to, after all, they still live under the same roof. Maybe Hua Yun has more feelings for Gao Yi as a landlord, the house was built together before marriage, no matter what the result is, she will stay where she is, and he will leave from now on. So she is responsible for the house and its use. Hua Yun's behavior increasingly shows that she is a temporary shelterer. Who will enter here after he is gone? Needless to say, it can only be Kesco.

Hua Yun found the "children's chorus" in a pile of letters.

He woke up Gao Yi and asked who the poem was written for?

Gao Yi said: "Don't write to anyone." Later, he said, "It's for you." ”

Hua Yun snorted from his nostrils and said, "I'd rather believe that it wasn't written for me." ”

Gao Yi said, "Whatever you want." ”

Hua Yun no longer delved into it. He understood that this might be a new beginning in the interrelationship. At least he could be back later tonight.

He happily went to work, and she rolled over and went back to sleep. A disturbance caused Gao Yi to delay getting up and almost failed to arrive at school in time. There are three or four classes of her in the morning. Gao Yi got off the No. 16 bus and went straight to the school gate, where she heard the bell for the third class. The students rushed to their classrooms, and suddenly the campus was empty, except for a few small trees standing on the side of the road. It was three hundred meters from the school gate to the large classroom where Gao Yi taught, and he was not in a hurry or impatient at this point. Gao Yi walked along the main road towards the teaching building without stopping, and his posture was extremely calm.

Kesco was also late today. He rode a beat-up bicycle and entered the school gate later than Gao Yi. The car sounded behind Gao Yi, and he heard it but didn't think it was her. Soon, she overtook him and rode to the front. Suddenly, he saw her and was shaken. Another situation made Gao Yi even more dumbfounded: Kesco actually stopped more than ten meters in front of her. He jumped off the saddle and kicked the bicycle chain with a hard kick. What he wanted to show was this: the bike was broken, so it needed to be stopped and repaired. If she wanted to wait for him on the road ahead, there could be no other reason. Gao Yi will never believe that his bike is really broken. He jumped off the ground and kicked his bike, which was dilapidated enough for him to do, but it was too coincidental.

Gao Yi walked past Kesco and didn't say a word. She realized that her back had entered the other's field of vision, and her posture became more and more stiff. The air behind her was so intense that it seemed to push her down. Her heart was filled with chagrin: she had irretrievably lost an opportunity to speak alone with him. On that road, Casko's bike quickly returned to normal, she passed from behind again, and suddenly the lost opportunity came again, but he still didn't say anything.

As a student, he should take the initiative to greet the teacher. However, they faced each other in the same direction, and although they met several times on the same road, they never faced each other. Her faux pas are understandable, and Teacher Gao is as nervous as a frightened bird, and she looks scary. If he had smiled kindly, it might have been different. Gao Yi felt great remorse for his stiffness and restraint. He watched her go away and never stopped. With infinite tenderness, he watched her turn the newspaper and disappear behind the school building on her left hand.

He saw her again a minute later, and by that time Casko was in a group. Seventy long-awaited faces lifted up to her. The class representative said to her, "Teacher Gao, you are late!" ”

Three possible ways for Gao Yi to associate with Kesco.

One, look through the window.

Second, I feel like I'm in a world where everything is recovering.

Three, in class, she is with her classmates, and he is their teacher.

In the first case, there is actually no place for Gao Yi. He is isolated from the picture as a peep, unaware of his presence.

The second situation actually exists only in Gao Yi's imagination, and Casko's image is fictional and lacks reality.

Only the third situation is true, but this is just Gao Yi's interaction with a certain collective.

Although Kesco was in it, it was only one in seventy.

What Gao Yi thought about was actually one-on-one contact. It was on the road to the school gate that it finally happened, and although the two sides did not say a word, it was a real private contact. Of course, the way is a bit quirky:

They never looked at each other (facing in the same direction), and repeated (first Kesco passed Gao Yi, then Gao Yi passed through Kesco, and finally Kesco passed Gao Yi again. The whole process is always shrouded in silence. Despite its fatal flaws, the contact itself is impressive.