Lu Wanyi felt that such days should come to an end. Really, how can you get by without the end?

She didn't know what kind of state of mind she was in at this time. It was hot, the air was damp, and the sticky wind was blowing, like a dirty rag, sticking to the body. That feeling of irritability, depression, pain, and helplessness can't get rid of it. I really want to hide somewhere, escape from such a summer day. Staying in the house, standing close to the window, cars noisily speeding downstairs, surrounded by skyscrapers, gray doves languishing in the gray dust...... Is everything so real, so real that people can't figure out if they're in a dream? When can we be clear and know what is what is and what is for?

She'll probably never know, never. Day...... Alas, such days...... It's done early.

In the subway station, there is always a suffocating stench of hot coaxing, which comes to the nose and sweeps away, bringing Lu Wanyi an unbearable question: Why is the world like this? Black, messy, dirty...... Is it a big garbage dump in itself? The air conditioner in the carriage was turned on very well, but that kind of coldness always made Lu Wanyi's bare arms tingle for a while. She looked indifferently, her eyes full of indifferent faces. white, black, yellow, brown; high nose, short nose; convex faces, concave faces; Big eyes, small eyes...... God really has such a sense of idleness to shape people into such a "thousand forms"! However, maybe you are tired of it, just poke it so carelessly, and all of them have such a dull and rigid expression. Is it like falling asleep forever? All of them?

A black couple next to them was muttering something. Lu Wanyi couldn't hear anything. She just smelled a strong fox odor. She didn't bother to change seats, just stared intently at her own shadow on the opposite windowpane. She didn't believe it was herself. The haggard-looking woman with blank eyes? How is it so ugly, so frustrating! She thought she should have been better than this. How could she be shaped at will, like all people, in the same way! But what could she do? Does she have what it takes to shape herself?

A lame black man begs in a carriage. He shook the cardboard "Coke" cup, and the coins made a "whoosh" sound inside. "Brothers and sisters, please have mercy on me, a homeless man." No one paid any attention to him, even though his voice sounded hoarse and bleak. I remember the first time she came to New York, Lu Wanyi gave all the change on her body to an old black man who was begging at the exit of the subway station. "Merry Christmas!" Lu Wanyi patted his hand and hugged him tightly. In the festive atmosphere, the ragged old black man was like a sharp knife, poking Lu Wanyi's heart with fierce pain. The black man kissed her hand with tears and said, "Girl, you have a beautiful and kind heart, and God bless you will have a happy life." Lu Wanyi has always believed that it is the best blessing she has received. Later, she found that there were too many people begging, although her heart still felt one

Deep pity and pain, but she couldn't do anything. She is also a beggar, and she is also begging for the world. Again, no one heard her begging. She is always reassuring herself: don't complain about the coldness of others, rely on yourself. But can she really rely on herself?

She is also a homeless person. She has been wandering for many years. The wanderings had exhausted her. The dust is long, how many vicissitudes...... Sometimes, Lu Wanyi has no idea what she's looking for. She was at a loss.

"Lin Jinrong, take me away." Lu Wanyi's hands pressed to her chest and pleaded. As long as she thought that she might never see Lin Jinrong again in the future, her heart hurt. It was a real pain, churning in her heart, making her grit her teeth and tears.

"You know that's impossible." Lin Jinrong sat at the table, picked his ear with his left hand, and said absentmindedly.

Lin Jinrong is going to transfer to the University of Berkeley in California, and Lu Wanyi knows that from now on, she may never see him again. But how could she let her half-year relationship go down the drain? She does not allow herself to admit her defeat. After so many days, she has found that she sometimes feels that it is not Lin Jinrong who loves her, but her fantasies, her fairy tales, her feelings, and the little self-esteem she has left.

"Why can't it be? When we love each other, let's be together. "When we are in love...... Do we love each other? Have we ever been in love? But, no matter what, let me be with you when I don't want to lose you, when my heart will break and grieve when I lose you. I don't want to give up, I don't want to give up. No matter how bitter and painful this relationship is, after all, it was the pillar of her spirit in these first days when she was drifting abroad. "You know I love you, you know I can't live without you, don't you say you love me too?" The more Lu Wanyi spoke, the more excited she became. Tears flowed wildly on her face, and she was so desperate that she seemed to be in the dark night sea, and the only thing she could hold on to was a straw in her hand.

The stairs are at the east end of the building, and people like to take the elevator, so it's hard to meet anyone there. On the cement ladder, there is a thin layer of dust. There was no air conditioning and it was very stuffy. Lu Wanyi lowered her head and counted subconsciously. She found that there were forty stairs on each floor. When she counted to six hundred, she was standing on the top of the building.

On the roof, it's much cooler. The night breeze blew, and although it was a little humid, it was not very hot. As far as the eye can see, the lights are shining everywhere, making the sky full of stars, and it has lost its brilliance. The Hudson River is not far away, and on the highway by the river, the rear lights of cars speeding past one after another are strung into a long red dragon. One of the world's largest cities, rich and poor, civilized and backward, warm and indifferent, at the same time, has such beautiful times. In the daytime, however, it is gray, and its skyscrapers and ornate windows are all too tempting, greedy, and hopeless because of their own incompetence.

This is America, and this is the paradise world in the minds of many people. This is New York, and this is the "Big Apple" in the hearts of Americans. Lu Wanyi slowly walked to the edge of the roof and sat down. She didn't dare to face the street, but turned her back to it - she didn't dare, she had a fear of heights. In the past, on the "flyover" in front of Bangkok's No. 1 Department Store, Lang Zhisong tried to press Lu Wanyi's head to let her look at the road under the bridge. She was so frightened that her legs went limp, and she almost cried. The "flyover" may not even be two stories high, right? What if she took another step forward just now, when she didn't sit down? Actually, what can be done? At most, her body will draw an arc in the red-gray night sky intertwined with starlight and light, and then fall to the asphalt road without lightness. Will there be bright red blood and snow-white brains spilling out? Will there be a hint of sweet gore slowly wafting up? Will pedestrians stop and sigh "tsk"? No, no, this kind of thing is so common in this country, especially in this city, that people have lost interest in watching. People won't know who she is, people won't care who she is. If she is dead, she will die, no matter what she is still young, no matter what she came to this country for, and what is so disappointed and desperate that she can't be disappointed anymore.

A few days ago, I read a report in the "World Journal," the largest Thai-language newspaper in the United States, that a girl from Tianjin committed suicide by jumping from the 13th floor of New York. She was an excellent student, but because of emotional and financial problems, she went insane. She always felt like someone was following her or someone was tapping her phone, and she wasn't completely insane, so she knew she was insane. She was in pain, but she couldn't get rid of it, so she had to die.

Lu Wanyi thinks it's imaginable. Thai students are accustomed to relying on their parents, teachers, and friends, and in such a strange land, they have to face so many strange difficulties alone, and they can't support it without strong nerves. There is no one to help you, and if you don't have the ability to help you, there is no way out. This is cruel, especially for those who are more weak and sentimental, such as Lu Wanyi.

Several police cars whizzed downstairs with red and blue lights flashing overhead. There must be a homicide somewhere, Lu Wanyi thought. Petty theft and robbery in New York, the police simply "dismiss", too much. Some people say that if you live in New York for a year and don't get robbed, you don't count as a New Yorker. The day before yesterday, she came to visit Lu Wanyi at Lin Jinrong's residence and told Lu Wanyi that when she first came to New York, she had no financial support and had to go to work to earn tuition and living expenses. On the first day, I worked twelve hours and earned sixty dollars. On the subway, she watched as a big black hand reached into her backpack and unhurriedly took out her purse. He took the money out and put his wallet back in. She watched all this with astonishment and horror, unable to speak, nor daring to say a word. She was told that she should be "caught with her hands tied" when she was robbed, or she might be shot or stabbed. The people around him were very indifferent and looked like they were turning a blind eye.

Lu Wanyi discovers that dreams are often sinful. Just like everything between her and Lin Jinrong, isn't it the same? She has a marriage contract with Lang Zhisong, no matter what led to this marriage in the first place, she is his nominal wife after all. However, she loves Lin Jinrong so desperately, in the worldly sense, how can this not be sinful? But she can't care so much at this time, she can only follow her own feelings and desires, and maybe, desires.

Lin Jinrong is very selfish. When impulsive, he said he loved her, and in that moment, he was perhaps telling the truth. However, more often than not, he is very clearly using Lu Wanyi, taking advantage of her naïve and naïve fantasies about love, because he is lonely, he cruelly uses Lu Wanyi's loneliness. He didn't care about everything Lu Wanyi had lost. His sweet words are just "coaxing" Lu Wanyi, just like candy or toys play a role in children who refuse to go to kindergarten. A few words with a lot of water made him feel like nothing, but they could make her accept his hurt with all her heart, and fatalize herself to lose nothing.

At the beginning of everything between them, he told Luk that her girlfriend was his middle school classmate and that they had known each other for many years. Lu Wanyi asked him, "Do you love her?" When she said this, she looked at him eagerly. Lin Jinrong said: "Love, I don't love, I just get used to it." So many years. He said that the girl was too introverted, and she didn't seem to be possessed by her soul when she spoke or did things. In his tone, he seemed to be very dissatisfied. Lu Wanyi then had hope in her heart. She loved this little man, and on her first day with him, she conceived his child. She wanted to be with him so that he could be worthy of what she had paid. He had to pay for his future. Thinking about it now, Lin Jinrong said that there was a purpose, he just wanted to give Lu Wanyi some "sweetness" and give her an illusory hope, so that Lu Wanyi could let him hurt him without resistance in his lonely days.

During the spring break in March, Li Baobao came to New York to see his girlfriend, and by the way, he brought Lu Wanyi to him. He told Lu Wanyi that he heard from his girlfriend that Lin Jinrong was going through the formalities for his girlfriend to come to the United States to visit relatives. "He's deceiving you and using you, Lu Wanyi, I'm never wrong." Lu Wanyi was sure that Li Baobao was a little gloating when he said this.

Lu Wanyi didn't speak, she twisted her head away and looked at the endless dark night outside the car window. The night seemed to stand still, every time she went to see him. A five-hour drive is as long as five centuries. She looked at her watch from time to time, but the hands seemed to be nailed, and they never moved. She was restless and wanted to smash a hole in the glass and stick her head out to catch a few breaths.

Lu Wanyi didn't tell Lin Jinrong in advance that she was coming. She didn't knock, pushed open his hidden door and entered. She will never forget Lin Jinrong's expression at that time: surprised, stunned, confused and weak!

Lu Wanyi looked at him, not understanding why he had such an expression. She walked over slowly, closed her eyes, and threw herself into his arms.

His hand stroked her hair one by one, and it felt very heavy. Lu Wanyi's heart began to tighten.

"Lin Jinrong, what's going on. Tell me! She began to cry again. How could she have so many tears! Every time she is with him, why does she always cry and always feel pain!

"Nothing. It's really nothing. Don't be careful, don't be cranky. I'm so afraid you're cranky. ”

"You can't hide it from me. Lin Jinrong, after so many days, you can't hide anything from me. You just kissed me, not the same as before. ”

"Lu Wanyi, it's really nothing." Lin Jinrong sighed: "Why are you always so sensitive?" ”

"Lin Jinrong, don't lie to me. I know everything. I know it. If you lie to me, I'll hate you. ”

"Lu Wanyi, what can you have? What can I hide from you? What can I hide from you? ”

"Lin Jinrong, she's coming, soon, isn't she?"

"Don't talk nonsense, there's nothing."

"You're still lying to me. Are you trying to lie to me so much? Lu Wanyi smiled sadly: "Lin Jinrong, do you really want to put me to death?" ”

"Lu Wanyi, I'm not trying to lie to you. I'm afraid you won't be able to stand it. I can't bear it. ”

"Lin Jinrong, are you afraid that I can't stand it? Are you afraid that she won't be able to come, so you don't want to lose my temporary comfort now, right? ”

"Lu Wanyi, don't say that, you are hurting yourself. You are not just a comfort to me, nor a temporary comfort. ”

"And what am I yours of? What the hell am I yours? You've already chosen, haven't you? You're someone else's husband, aren't you? You're married, married. Lu Wanyi laughed hysterically, "It's funny!" You're married! ”

"Lu Wanyi, you keep your promise, I will also keep my promise, I said I would take her out. We've loved each other, and that's enough. ”

"It's not enough, Lin Jinrong, you have made me lose too much. Not enough. I'm not so free, I want to stay together. Lu Wanyi knew that it was not because she loved him, because he had made her lose too much, because she could no longer live with Lang Zhisong, because she was like a desperate gambler, putting all the bets on Lin Jinrong. Whether Lin Jinrong wants it or not, she has to make a desperate bet.

"Impossible, Lu Wanyi, she is here, I am responsible for her. Otherwise, how would she live? ”

"Lin Jinrong, aren't you responsible for me? How am I doing? How am I doing? ”

"Lu Wanyi, you have been here for a while, and you have some foundation. Besides, isn't he coming? Why do we have to destroy what we have? I will think about you for the rest of my life. ”

"Lin Jinrong, this is empty. What can you do if you're not together? Lu Wanyi said in her heart, if you are not together, what is not empty?

"Lu Wanyi, this is in the United States, you have to be realistic."

"Lin Jinrong, how realistic? You tell me! Lu Wanyi was a little angry. It is because this is in the United States that the realistic choice she made was for her and Lin Jinrong to give up their previous and reconnect the relationship between them.

"The reality is to study, find a job, and earn money. Not like you, daydreaming. ”

"You say I'm daydreaming? Are you saying that everything between us is a pipe dream? Lu Wanyi stared at Lin Jinrong and asked through gritted teeth.

"I didn't say it. But what are you coming to the U.S. for? It's not for everything between us, is it? I didn't know you at all before. ”

Lu Wanyi felt that he was a scoundrel when he said all this, but she couldn't find anything to refute him. What did she come to the United States for? It's not for everything between me and Lin Jinrong, it's not for a degree, it's not for making money, why? She stared at him blankly, no more. However, she could see that his face was full of impatience, even disgust. She suddenly felt that he was a very lewd man. Especially in his small eyes, there was only a light of selfishness and coldness. It was over, and Lu Wanyi's back felt cold. That's it.

When I got back to Cornell, I called him and said, "Forget it, aren't you married?" You live yours. ”

Lin Jinrong asked her, "Are you saying that I will never have you again in the future?" ”

Lu Wanyi didn't speak. Didn't you already say that? She thought he was too hypocritical.

"Lu Wanyi, Lu Wanyi--" Lin Jinrong began to choke. Lu Wanyi knows that he is a man who likes to shed tears, and she has never looked down on men's tears.

But she didn't want to say anything. She was silent and wept.

She held the phone silently like this, and Lin Jinrong didn't say anything anymore. After more than three hours, she felt tired and hung up the phone gently.

Three days later, she received a letter from Lin Jinrong, which was stained with tears. "Lu Wanyi, I don't believe that everything between us will end like this. For so many days, I have become accustomed to having you, to waiting for your calls and your letters every day. Don't you believe that I love you? When the night was quieter, I couldn't sleep, and I called you, and I was surprised that I could no longer tell whether I was calling your name or hers. You wept in my arms, and you cried so sadly. You don't know how beautiful, poignant, and so amazing your tearful eyes are, and it breaks my heart! At that time I found that I had also built something, on the quicksand of time, I thought that all my ability to feel pain was long gone, but when you cry like that, I cry in my heart. I know I'm sorry for you, every time you come, you're so tired and so desperate, as you yourself say, live one day at a time, until we're gone forever. You've traveled all the way just to get together with me for a short time. I'm not cold-blooded, but what can I? You're such a fierce girl, I've been worried about you, I'm afraid you won't be able to bear anything. I don't want you to be happy! But I don't have the ability to do that, I've promised others before, and I've loved deeply before. Lu Wanyi, haven't you loved and promised? I don't want to lose you, you mean so much to me. ……”

Lu Wanyi then returned to Lin Jinrong's trap. Back to that fatal pain. Who is to blame?

So, she came to New York again in the summer. She got a part-time job in the school library, but she gave it up. She knew that there were only so many days between her and Lin Jinrong, no matter how much she hoped that Lin Jinrong could take her away and let everything between them have an ending that didn't make her too desperate! Lang Zhisong was coming in a few days, and she was afraid to face him. Her marriage had already come to an end in her heart. She didn't love Lang Zhisong, she knew. Otherwise, she would not betray him, she knew that she would stubbornly stick to a desired relationship. To Lang Zhisong, she only has a promise. "Lu Wanyi, if you feel that he is kind to you, you can repay it in other ways, there is no need to pay the price of your own life." When Lu Wanyi told her parents about the relationship with Lang Zhisong, they didn't agree. Lu Wanyi's mother wrote in the letter. Lu Wanyi always has a kind of unprovoked resistance to her parents, and likes to do the opposite. If her parents did not express any opinions or support for the relationship between her and Lang Zhisong at that time, perhaps, there would be no later relationship between her and Lang Zhisong. Because I don't love, I have betrayal. At least, that's what she explained to herself. Lang Zhisong doesn't know anything yet. However, she knew that she would not have the courage to face Lang Zhisong, and she would not have the courage to bring out everything between her and Lin Jinrong. At the same time, she also knew that it was impossible for her and Lang Zhisong to live any longer. All of this has already happened, how can it be lived? She can't live by herself, how can she live alone in such a strange country? So she asked Lin Jinrong to take her away and go to the west with him. Whether he loves her or not, she must "rely on" him. Either die. But the parents ...... Thinking about her parents, Lu Wanyi didn't even have the ability to die. I have a bad life and I can't explain it to my parents, how can I let them endure the grief of "white-haired people sending black-haired people"?

But Lin Jinrong didn't want to, his "wife" wanted to come. She has already received a "marriage certificate" in China. Lin Jinrong is a person with a "wife".

"Take me away. What would I do without you? Lu Wanyi begged bitterly, her self-esteem was gone. I hate, I hate, she cried out in her heart.

"I said it couldn't be. How can it be? ”

"Why not?"

"What are you going me to do with her?"

"Didn't you say it was just to take her out of the country? Take her out, and your promise will be fulfilled. You don't have to live with her. ”

"But she's my wife. I have to be responsible for her. ”

"Who is your wife? Who spends more time with you? What else is there between her and you other than the certificate you got through the 'back door'? ”

"There are ten years of acquaintance and five years of lovesickness."

"But you said you loved me!"

"Lu Wanyi, don't mess around, okay? Just because I said I love you doesn't mean I don't love her. ”

"It is impossible for one person to love two people at the same time!"

"Why not? Why can't a man love two women at the same time? ”

"You don't have that ability. You can only choose one. ”

"Didn't I already choose?"

So, Lu Wanyi didn't say anything anymore. She came to the top of the building in her short pajamas and her hair was draped. However, she didn't have the courage of the Tianjin girl, and she didn't even have the courage to look down on the ground from a high place. She sat down weakly against the tank, too sad to raise her head. She felt guilty of a great sin. There was a small pile of broken beer bottle slices at her feet, and she picked one up, and it shone in front of her with a faint seductive light. She subconsciously gestured to her slender wrist. She remembered that Wang Shuo wrote in the novel "Half Sea, Half Fire" that the heroine committed suicide by cutting her wrists, and the knife was like a baby's open lips. Half seawater, half fire, and actually saved. It was just a flame, and it had to be destroyed, leaving only ashes. What it was when she came, she didn't know. Only parents know. When you go, a wisp of smoke, where will you return your soul? Tears flowed into her mouth, she gritted her teeth, and slashed hard, and suddenly the pain was terrible. Fortunately, the glass bottle was not sharp, only a dark stream of blood dripping down her leg. She stared blankly, sighed, and licked the blood away. The blood was as warm as tears.

After returning, Lin Jinrong was already lying down. The lamp shimmered faintly on the table. Lin Jinrong's face actually had a color that made Lu Wanyi's heart sad in the light. She lay down silently against Lin Jinrong, and her head snuggled up to Lin Jinrong's outstretched arm into his arms. It's that familiar breath again.

"Lu Wanyi, where have you been? I'll look for you everywhere downstairs. ”

Lu Wanyi just let out a long sigh.

"Lu Wanyi, let's stop arguing in the future, okay? We don't have a few days left to spend together. Why not cherish it? ”

Lu Wanyi closed her eyes tightly, she wanted to laugh, but she burst into tears.

Lin Jinrong's hand slid over her thin and smooth body, and she was suddenly soft and wet.

"Lin, do you believe it? In my heart, I am still a chaste woman who values love higher than anyone else, and loving a man and then promising it is one of the most beautiful and splendid realms of a woman's life in my opinion. But, since I've been here, I've been acting like a slut to me before. The weak, crazy, lonely, but not easily tempted Lu Wanyi in your memory is gone, and now that I am you, you may not want to see you again at all. You always encourage me to take advantage of this rare opportunity to learn something and stop wandering around and achieving nothing. However, I have no choice, I have no way to take myself! That's all I can do. I don't think about 'success' or 'failure' at all, I often think about living and not living. Tell me, Lin, in my nature, have I always been a bad woman? Now, I don't look down on myself at all, and you'll look down on me too, won't you? ”

In a letter to Lin, the young writer, Lu Wanyi wrote: Everything between him and Lin Jinrong made her miserable, resentful, and desperate, and with Li Baobao, he made her ashamed, guilty, and looked down on herself. Although Li Baobao said to her more than once: "Lu Wanyi, if you are not so desperate for Lin Jinrong, I really want to marry you." You are the weakest, most sensitive woman I have ever seen, and I have always liked weak and sensitive women. My girlfriend is too ambitious and has a dull personality. ”

Lin Jinrong's small but soft hand slid across Lu Wanyi's back. The tremors of the small waves of hugging each other spread throughout her body. She lowered her eyelashes, covering her tears. Oh man, my man!

“……

Fly through the sky

Skimming over the white clouds

I'm flying to you

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

I'm going to die

Weep forever

voyage

voyage

……”

The English song "Sailing" echoed over and over again in Lin Jinrong's room like a cuckoo crying blood. Lin Jinrong picked up a broken electric fan out of nowhere, and it sounded in a corner of the room. A few pieces of paper, whirling around, were blown from the table onto the black, brown-streaked floor. Outside the window, the summer heat is like a steamer. Summer in New York is insanely humid and muggy.

"Lin Jinrong, do you love her or me?" Lu Wanyi asked in a low voice. She didn't know how many times she had asked the same thing, and each time, it ended in more pain for her, but she always wanted to ask. In Lin Jinrong's drawer, she saw a photo of Lin Jinrong and his "wife" sitting side by side at the head of the bed, Lin Jinrong wearing a sweatshirt and shorts, and his "wife" wearing white pajamas. Lin Jinrong's hands covered his "wife's" breasts and pressed his face against hers. Lu Wanyi vowed never to wear white pajamas again!

"Lu Wanyi, don't ask, okay? Why do we always have to hurt one another? Lin Jinrong said in a very helpless tone. He covered his face with his hands and sighed.

"You don't love me, you love her! You're just taking advantage of me! Lu Wanyi said angrily. Look at your disgusting pictures! You guys were still sneaky at the time, weren't they? In this way, she is your 'wife'? What am I paying for you? ”

"I know I'm sorry for you, but what do you want from me?"

"What do I want from you? What can I want from you? Lu Wanyi really wished she had the courage and ability to stab him hard at this time - every time he said "what do you want me to do", Lu Wanyi felt that he looked a scoundrel and incompetent.

"But what do you want from me?" She raised her hand and brushed a strand of hair from his collar, and all of a sudden, she was so tired again that her voice was so weak that she could barely hear it. "Lin Jinrong, what do you want me to do?"

"Lu Wanyi, we all have good memories, why ruin those? Isn't that bad? ”

"You mean your 'wife' and my 'husband'? Isn't it all ruined by us? What's that's it? I've been your mistress like this? Lu Wanyi became angry again, every time she arrived, she felt that Lin Jinrong's white face was actually much uglier than Li Baobao's - Lin Jinrong was too hypocritical.

"Lu Wanyi, don't say that. You're hurting yourself again. You know how distressed it is for me to see you hurt yourself so mercilessly. ”

Lu Wanyi couldn't hear such words the most - Lin Jinrong said this, and Lu Wanyi began to swear in her heart that no matter how hurt she was, she would admit it. Lin Jinrong grasped her weakness, and she could only be caught.

"Lu Wanyi, you will never be a slut. I know you too well, and all the suffering you have suffered is because you are more persistent than anyone else and hold on to your dreams. If you give up a little bit, regress a little bit, you won't be 'degenerate', you will be a 'good woman'. But then you're not you. Lin said on the other end of the phone. After receiving Lu Wanyi's letter, he called Lu Wanyi, Lu Wanyi was afraid that it would cost him too much money, so she insisted that he hang up her and call back. Hearing Lin's voice, she remembered those old days. In those days, Lin was definitely one of the indispensable friends around her.

"Lu Wanyi, do you remember that when you were here, we always had a large group of people around you? That's because you're a 'bad woman', because you're not the same as the 'good women'. No matter what you do, for me, you are still you, everything you do I can understand and understand. You have too many dreams, you are a good woman, how can a woman without dreams be a good woman? "Lin, thank you, thank you so much. Lu Wanyi said silently in her heart. Tears dripped onto the microphone.

"Lu Wanyi, you're crying again. You're always crying. Lin's voice was full of love and pity.

On the evening of the day they left Lin, Lu Wanyi sat alone in the house in a daze. Looking at the mess left behind by packing and thinking that I would leave everything familiar and go to a completely unfamiliar place alone, I couldn't help but panic. She rode to Lin's place, sat on the edge of his bed without saying a word, and burst into tears. Lin ignored her and just lowered his head to write. When she stopped sobbing, he got up and went out, handing her a hot towel as he came in. What she needs is this tacit understanding and understanding. She hates it most when people ask her when she's in a bad mood, "What's wrong with you?" At that point, she didn't want to say anything at all. And Lang Zhisong will never learn this.

After Lin waited for her to wipe away her tears, he took her to the unfinished park behind the compound of the Writers' Association. Nothing else. Lin sat down on the grass, and Lu Wanyi lay next to him. The sun on the western horizon is a soft orange red, and the canopy is dyed pale blue. In the distance, the tall aspen characteristic of the north stands in a subtle and amorous silhouette. Lin clasped his hands on his knees and was silent. Lu Wanyi found for the first time that the silhouette on the side of Lin was very beautiful, with a strong sense of three-dimensionality, and the lines were very elegant. She let out a long sigh and rested her chin on his lap.

"Lin, I'm leaving, don't you want to say something?" Lu Wanyi was afraid of this silence. She knew that the silence with the man who knew her best in the blood-dripping dusk of the sunset, how many days later, would be a memory and helplessness that would kill her.

"Lu Wanyi, you're leaving. What can I say? Lin lowered his head and smiled at her, and reached over a hand to gently stroke Lu Wanyi's thick short hair. I'm just worried about you. You're a little girl who will never grow up, and I don't know if you'll be able to withstand it all over again in such a strange place. Lu Wanyi, you are too fragile and fantasize too much. ”

At that time, Lu Wanyi thought that if Ruolin told her to stay, she would stay. Because, she has always lacked a grasp of her fate, and she needs someone to tell her what to do, especially a man she trusts and relies on. A man is always the God of her life.

"Lu Wanyi, if you really can't live over there, come back. But I hope you're having a good time over there, after all, it's a rare opportunity. You're too headstrong, and you're not going to do well here. If you can't stay there, we're all here, and you can come back at any time. ”

Lu Wanyi knew that she couldn't go back, at least not now. Lang Zhisong hasn't come yet, and besides, how can she explain when she goes back? Came to the United States, really just for more scars? I can't explain to my parents, relatives and friends, and I can't explain to myself. In a few years, I may go back in a few years. I don't fit here, and I don't fit there, but there's everything there, all the memories and worries and thoughts. Most importantly, that's where she grew up and became familiar with.

"Lin Jinrong, don't we have any other choice?" Lu Wanyi knew that her question was meaningless? But she asked. I don't know when such a question became the only conversation between her and Lin Jinrong.

"Lu Wanyi, you're here again. You know the answer. There is no other choice, we can only do this. It's good for everyone. Lin Jinrong said helplessly.

"That's all we can do, that's all we can do." Lu Wanyi muttered. "Lin Jinrong, I can't believe that we can only do this. I can't believe it ended like this. ”

"Lu Wanyi, let it be, why don't you let it be?" Lin Jinrong's hands held Lu Wanyi's shoulders, and there was a deep tiredness in his eyes full of red silk, "Lu Wanyi, don't be stubborn anymore." Even if I beg you, okay? I'm so scared, I'm so tired, if this continues, we're both going to collapse. You and I can't afford this torture anymore. ”

A burst of pain surged from the bottom of Lu Wanyi's heart: "Lin Jinrong, you obviously know that I love you, you know that I love you so desperately, and you know that I lost myself, don't you?" Seeing that there was a trace of guilt and pain flashing in Lin Jinrong's sight, Lu Wanyi choked up: "Lin Jinrong, if I have another way, I don't want to force you like this." Forcing you like this will only make me feel more distressed, make me hate myself, and thus hate you. Hating you is the greatest punishment for myself. You know how bitter my heart is, don't you? ”

"Lang Zhisong is coming. Have a good time in the future, Lu Wanyi, I hope you won't run into someone like me again. Lin Jinrong's hand was a little stronger, and Lu Wanyi's head was on his shoulder. Lu Wanyi closed her eyes and let the two lines of tears slide down.

"Lin Jinrong, even if this is our final ending, Lang Zhisong and I will not live any further. After all this happened, how could I ever have sex with him again? ”

"He will forgive you. If he loves you, he will forgive you. ”

"It's not a question of forgiving or not. It's that I don't want to spend time with him. Nothing is the same anymore. "Nothing is the same. It's different, how can you live it?

Perhaps, she really never loved Lang Zhisong. For so many years, she had been enveloped by a nameless and deep loneliness. I always feel that no one understands her and understands her. How many people love her, love her, care about her, and her heart is still lonely. Sometimes she thinks sadly, perhaps, since the birth of her in this world, the meaning of eternal loneliness has been born. Loneliness is the form and content of her life that she is destined to have. Because of her loneliness, she has been desperately trying to find an emotional dependence, to create a physical time for herself in the realm of feelings. However, Lang Zhisong is not such a person. Lang Zhisong's love made her still empty and empty, although after she broke up with the famous campus poet, for a short period of time, Lang Zhisong gave her a certain degree of comfort and relief.

Lang Zhisong is a very smart person and is very dedicated to her, but in Lu Wanyi's eyes, he is too practical and rational. She felt that with him, she had to suppress her tenderness and madness. That's not a whole world. What she needed was a man who would allow her to show her wildness, her femininity. A man who can make her desperate and flamboyantly love him. Lang Zhisong is not such a man. Lu Wanyi never felt that she had been melted by his kiss, suffocated by his hug, or conquered by his possession. There was a deep flaw and dissatisfaction in her heart. She had complained to him, but he thought she was too romantic and had read too many novels. She knew that if it weren't for going abroad, she wouldn't marry him. She hadn't met him since she graduated and left that southern city for a year, until she got her passport and wanted to fulfill her promise to marry him, and occasionally, she would write letters. Even when she writes, she doesn't have a bit of passion. "With you, I'm a pool of stagnant water!" She often said this hatefully to him. However, when Qi Zhang, another student of Lang Zhisong's mentor, a boy who was twelve years younger than Lang Zhisong, confessed his love to her, she inexplicably said to him: "I am used to being with Lang Zhisong!" The boy swore that he would not die until she got married. One night before graduation, Qi Zhang came to her dormitory and gave her a diary full of love and miss her. After reading it, she was so moved, especially the poem of the chief Murong that he copied:

I've always wanted to, with you

Walk up that beautiful mountain road

There is a soft wind, there are white clouds, and you are there

Beside me, listen to my happiness

and a grateful heart

My request is actually very small

As long as there have been like that

A summer day, just walk through

Once like that

What a night it was! In the small pavilion by the river in the school, when Qi Zhang's slender and powerful hand hugged her in her arms, Lu Wanyi knew that her relationship with Lang Zhisong was too fragile. The wind of the summer night is like a pair of gentle hands, caressing the surface of the river affectionately, scaling the river water, rippling in the microwave. Around the pavilion, the ctenophores do not hesitate to sway with a refreshing fragrance. Praying hot lips, kissed her forehead, eyes, lips, and then kissed her neck. She could hear his heart pounding, he was trembling. The male breath of the prayer is like a furnace, surging and devouring Lu Wanyi. Qi Zhang's hand caressed her like a keyboard, and every inch of her skin trembled and sang a happy song. Take me away, love me, love me, love me, possess me! With the enthusiasm and strength of all your men! Give me happiness, give me satisfaction, give me a moment to burn to the fullest! Let all my self-esteem and pride as a woman crouch on the ground under the majesty of your man, and let me be as gentle as the flowing water of the Yangtze River, and as passionate as a tiger in the grassland......

However, Lu Wanyi is Lu Wanyi after all, and she is used to the moral code she has added to herself. When Lang Zhisong's face flashed in front of her eyes, she retreated. As long as her relationship with Lang Zhisong is still there, she can't betray him. She pushed the prayer away with all her might, even though she was so reluctant!

Qi Zhang looked at her tirelessly: "Lu Wanyi, you ......"

"I'm sorry, I can't."

"Lu Wanyi, I don't understand, why can't you. I love you, and as fleshy as it sounds, I really love you. I know Lang Zhisong, you and he are people of two eras. Believe me, I am younger than him and I can make you happy more. ”

"I believe," Lu Wanyi began to choke, "Qizhang, I know your hard work for me, but I promised Lang Zhisong that I would not leave him first." ”

"You're ridiculous. A promise is a promise after all, and I know you're not happy with him. You are people of two worlds. Stay with me, and I'll love you so much. ”

Lu Wanyi burst into tears. Lang Zhisong never said that he loved her. She always asked, "Lang Zhisong, do you love me?" Lang Zhisong always said: "If I don't love you, will I be good to you?" If I don't love you, will I give you money to buy clothes? But she wanted to hear him say, "I love you," which would make her happier than buying a lot of clothes. But Lang Zhisong said that she was too impractical, because most people don't say, "I love you." "Ask him how he knows, and he says he just knows. However, she still couldn't love the prayers. Qi Zhang is too enthusiastic, maybe because he is too young. His enthusiasm attracted her, and made her feel too unreliable. She knew that she was not a talented and beautiful woman, and once asked Qizhang: "I have neither talent nor appearance, what do you love about me?" The prayer said, "You are different from other women, you are kind, sensitive, passionate, romantic, crazy, and to me, no woman can compare to you." But Lu Wanyi still didn't want to leave Lang Zhisong. Maybe it's because she's too unsure about the prayers, right? Qizhang is very smart, and he is very handsome, and he can attract some girls wherever he goes. He loved me so stubbornly, probably because I was too sentimental. Lu Wanyi often thinks like this. She can't love him, she often thinks that he is just a big child, he loves her, maybe it's fresh, and even suspects that he loves her as a thing to test his ability.

That night, Qi Zhang took her downstairs to the dormitory. Looking at the injured look in his eyes, Lu Wanyi couldn't bear it. She really wanted to say, "Pray, if you have to wait, you will definitely wait for me." But she just stood on tiptoe, kissed him gently, and said, "I'm sorry, please ......" and tears welled up again. Qi Zhang raised his hand, wiped the tears from her face with his fingertips, sighed, and said, "Lu Wanyi, you are a woman who will make people miserable for a lifetime, do you know? Lu Wanyi's heart was suddenly grabbed by a pair of big hands, and it hurt so much that she really wanted to cry out loud. She lifted her tearful eyes and could no longer utter a word.

When she told Lin about all this between her and Lang Zhisong and Qizhang, she hadn't gone to the visa yet. That night, she learned on the radio that the U.S. Consulate had closed its doors because of the well-known event in the summer of 1986, and she didn't know when it would open again. She sat in her room with Lin and listened to pop music. Lin rarely came to her, and she usually went to him. Her single cot was covered with white sheets, and a lilac quilt rested at the head of the bed. Opposite the bed was a desk strewn with manuscript paper, and next to it was a large bookshelf cluttered with books on literature, philosophy, history, Buddhism, beauty, fashion, and cooking.

It was raining outside the window. The rain falling on the leaves of the sycamore trees is a slow rhythm that makes people sad. It is the season when the sycamore flowers bloom, and the fragrance of the flowers carries the cool air of the rain in the wind. The music had ended at some point, and she didn't bother to change to another tape.

"I wonder how the prayer chapter is now?" She said to herself, not looking at Lin. She really wanted to know. She thinks about others much more than she thinks of Lang Zhisong. A deep melancholy and sorrow grew stronger and thicker in her heart, like a gray cloud squeezing her, making her immediately feel the urge to cry.

"Lin, I'm actually not a romantic woman at all! I don't want turmoil, I want to live a peaceful and peaceful life. But I always want to be worthy of others. ”

"Lu Wanyi, in fact, you are very irresponsible to yourself. Moreover, if you say that you keep your promises for others, you will also harm others as a result. Emotionally, only talk about feelings, not reciprocation and gratitude. You will suffer in the future, people like you can't get along with Lang Zhisong, whether you want to hurt him or not, you will hurt him. You want to be angry, but you can't deceive your feelings. ”

It seems that Lin Yan is right. Lang Zhisong is coming. As soon as Lu Wanyi wanted to face him, she panicked. How she hoped that Lin Jinrong could help her at such a time! However, he ...... In her opinion, he was a stranger to selfishness. She suddenly wanted to go back, go back and look for the prayer medallion. Tell him that if he starts all over again, she will be with him right away and will not have to wait for her at all. If she starts all over again, she won't want to repay Lang Zhisong again, and she won't keep her stupid promise again! What does a promise count as a promise when it comes to actually living a life? If you are not worthy of yourself, how can you be worthy of others? She is not worthy of anyone, before, she was neither worthy of Lang Zhisong, nor worthy of the prayer, and now, she is neither worthy of Lang Zhisong, nor worthy of Lin Jinrong. Because, she also knows that Lin Jinrong is not happy. He just couldn't get rid of it.

Lin Jinrong went with her to pick up Lang Zhisong at the airport. After dinner, they took the subway. It was still a humid and stuffy feeling that stuffed her heart tightly. Lin Jinrong's expression was a little solemn, as if he was going to the execution ground. It's hard for him to face this embarrassing scene. Looking at the silhouette of Lin Jinrong's featureless face, she felt a deep sadness and pity out of thin air, for Lin Jinrong, for herself. Because of the feeling that she wants to know the answer for so many months, but in fact there is no answer at all, she and Lin Jinrong have endured a lot of hardships. Although she felt that Lin Jinrong was sorry for her, she understood that Lin Jinrong's heart was not happy. When he said, "You make me tired," Lu knew he was telling the truth, even if she was hurt about it. An unfortunate relationship would be unfortunate for anyone involved in it. Both she and Lin Jinrong were exhausted, and now, it was Lang Zhisong's turn.

At the entrance of the passage of JFK Airport, there were many people standing to pick up the plane. The air conditioner did not stop the heat outside, and Lu Wanyi still felt that the light yellow short-sleeved shirt with a slight smell of sweat was attached to her body. Lin Jinrong stood far away from the crowd with his face facing the door, looking at his thin back, Lu Wanyi felt a strong bitterness and choked on her throat. At this time. He became the tired and helpless little boy under the white sun in "Johnson Station" again. How could Lu Wanyi ever want to hurt him? In less than a year, because of such a kind of loneliness, weakness and pain after arriving in a foreign country, two boys and girls who met in Pingshui were actually entangled in such an unending tragedy. was so sad that she believed that she would never be able to get out of the feeling that the plot brought to her in the future. What is love? What is Rim? What is the future?

"Lu Wanyi, Lu Wanyi!" Hearing the call, she turned her head, and Lang Zhisong had come to her. Compared with a year ago, Lang Zhisong seems to have changed the same, he still has a slightly hunched back, some greasy hair on his forehead, dark plastic-framed glasses, a white shirt, and gray trousers. "Lu Wanyi, are you here?" Lang Zhisong's expression was very excited, Lu Wanyi had never seen him so excited.

"Oh, you're here? How are you on the road? Hungry, right? Lu Wanyi said as she took a box from Lang Zhisong's hand. Lang Zhisong brought two large boxes.

"That box is full of clothes and shoes for you." Lang Zhisong said proudly, "I asked one of my female students to accompany me to buy it, I'm afraid that what I bought is not to your liking." When you go, you take too little with you. ”

Lu Wanyi didn't know what to say, just smiled.

Lin Jinrong came over and took the box from Lu Wanyi, but looked at Lang Zhisong and said, "Coming?" ”

Lang Zhisong didn't sound. "Lang Zhisong, this is Lin Jinrong, Lin Jinrong, this is Lang Zhisong." Lu Wanyi said blankly, not looking at the two of them.

They took a taxi back and had a bite to eat at a Thai takeaway next to Mr. Lim's home. Lang Zhisong's face has always been very gloomy, and he hardly speaks. Lin Jinrong was also silent. Lu Wanyi lowered her head and tore the split ends on the ends of her hair.

Lin Jinrong went to sleep with a friend. By the time Lu Wanyi and Lang Zhisong lay down, it was already late at night. The broken fan "clattered", and outside the window was the unique "humming" sound of the night in the hustle and bustle of the metropolis. Lu Wanyi wanted to turn off the lights, but Lang Zhisong didn't allow it. The light blinded her eyes and roasted like fire overhead.

Lang Zhisong threw away the things that Lu Wanyi had stuffed into his hands at once, and said viciously: "Don't!" No! I want you to give me a baby! I want you to give me a son! ”

Lu Wanyi had never seen Lang Zhisong so crazy, she was surprised and subconsciously stroked his back, still loose and rough. Age can also cause such a big difference in a man's body, Lu Wanyi sighed. She endured it in all directions, the light passing through her closed eyes, creating a blank space in her mind. Can Lin Jinrong fall asleep tonight? Tears flowed out like a small snake, and slowly dried under the strong light.

Lu Wanyi pushed a muddy ball of Lang Zhisong and said, "Lang Zhisong, I want to talk to you." Her voice was barely audible, hesitating.

"What to talk about? Don't talk about it, you think I don't know? Lang Zhisong's bare hand, which was always bitten by him, scratched Lu Wanyi's chest fiercely.

Lu Wanyi sat up and said, "I can't sleep anyway, let's talk." ”

"I don't want to talk about it. As long as you and I have a good time in the future. ”

"I can't. I don't want to spend time with you. This kind of thing, early and good. I know I shouldn't have told you this when you first came, but sooner or later, I have to. You'll be away from school for almost a month, and by the time school starts, you'll be at ease. ”

"How did you fall in love with him? He doesn't look better than me, but he's younger than me, and he looks like a little family, and I wonder how you can tolerate it, and when you don't see him, he almost eats the bowl when he eats? Moreover, the sound of eating is so loud! If you find someone better than me, you can convince me better. ”

"It's not better than you or not better than you. We wouldn't be able to live without him, right? It's not that you don't know. When have we ever had a good time? ”

"But without him, we wouldn't be able to do it now, right? Perhaps, after being together for too long and having children, you won't have so much life. Who didn't come over like this? ”

"Will I have children before I settle down? If we have children, we will live together, and I will not let my children suffer any grievances. But we don't have children now, and we say we have a marriage certificate, but what kind of husband and wife are we? You know, I've never loved you. ”

"Where is there anything to love or not, you think too much. Say I don't love you, and I didn't go to anyone else? Now that we're all in the United States, let's just go on and stop looking for trouble. ”

"I can't. Lang Zhisong, why do we have to tie them together? If it's over early, we'll live with each other as we should, and there's no need to stick to it. At this level, how can we live well together? ”

"You want to go with him?"

"I hope he'll take me away. However, it seems that it is impossible. ”

"You're so cheap!"

"Say whatever you want. We should forget it anyway. ”

"How did you make that promise before? Didn't you lie to me? Lang Zhisong was a little angry.

"I didn't lie to you. If I had lied to you, I wouldn't have told you this. As for the promise, it is too rash to think about it now, and I have no ability to keep the promise at all. ”

"You're shameless! Back then, I pretended not to know about you and Qizhang, thinking that it would be okay for you to separate after graduation. But you came to the United States and did something sorry for me! ”

"There's nothing between me and the prayers! I don't want to be sorry for you, but, right now, I can't help it. Before I went abroad, I also told others that when I brought you in to help you settle down, we would separate. ”

"But you didn't tell me! Besides, I'm not settled yet. ”

"If it weren't for the matter between me and Lin Jinrong, I might wait until you settle down. But I won't spend time with you, and the two of us aren't in the same school anyway. ”

"You and Lin Jinrong! How dare you say it! I see that your most recent letter to me was sent from New York, and I knew it. When you came, I saw you sitting with him in the departure lounge. You are an amorous woman, and when you meet a thick-skinned little white face, there will definitely be a drama. ”

Lu Wanyi was silent. Lang Zhisong is like this, what he says is always like this. If someone else hadn't spoken like this, Lu Wanyi would have felt very guilty, but Lang Zhisong's call made all Lu Wanyi's guilt about him disappear before he came. Lang Zhisong can always kill any of her feelings, just like Lu Wanyi was originally a woman who likes physical pleasure very much, but whenever she heard Lang Zhisong say, "Let's do that tonight", she has no desire at all. And now, she didn't even have the desire to quarrel with him and explain to him again.

"It's better to be early." She muttered, "It's good for everyone." ”

"Hmph, I can't spare him!" Lang Zhisong said through gritted teeth.

"Don't blame him!" Lu Wanyi hurriedly said, "Without Lin Jinrong, there will be others." I don't love you, what's the matter with other people? ”

"Without him, we can at least make up for a while. I've just arrived, I don't know anything, and I'm counting on you to help me. ”

"So you're just so I can help you. I can help you with separation, too. ”

"It wouldn't be so dedicated, would it? And, you think I'd like to see you again after we are separated? Fuck, I can't spare this kid! ”

"Lang Zhisong, what are you going to do to him? What do you want to do to him? You have no power! ”

"The only good thing about the United States is that you don't have to pay for killing someone, right?" Lang Zhisong said with a cruel smile.

"Don't talk nonsense! Whether I love you or not is just my own business. Before I came to the United States, when I was in the North, I had already made good friends with others! Just because I don't love you! ”

"I know you steal men, bitch!" Lang Zhisong slapped his hand and hit Lu Wanyi in the face. Lu Wanyi looked at her Lang Zhisong in a daze. Overhead, the lights were still glaring.

Xiaoqing spent her summer vacation doing research in New York and began preparing for her doctoral dissertation on "Sexual Abuse in Childhood, Runaways, and Depravity."

The day after Lang Zhisong's arrival, Xiaoqing came to visit Lu Wanyi. Xiaoqing knows a lot of things about Lu Wanyi, and Lu Wanyi also thinks that Xiaoqing can understand her. When Xiaoqing came, Lu Wanyi, Lin Jinrong and Lang Zhisong sat in Lin Jinrong's room in a triangle shape and did not speak. Lang Zhisong stared at Lin Jinrong fiercely, Lin Jinrong lowered his head and picked his nails, and Lu Wanyi's gaze moved back and forth on the two of them aimlessly. She felt that she hated the way Lang Zhisong looked, hated his greasy hair, slender eyes hidden behind thick lenses, and slightly hunched back. She also hated Lin Jinrong, hated his skin that was whiter than a woman, his red lips, and his hands as white and fat as a baby. How did I get to this point, how could I get mixed up with two men like this? Suddenly, Lu Wanyi hated herself too.

Xiaoqing sat down next to Lu Wanyi and patted her on the shoulder. Lu Wanyi smiled, but a hot tear welled up in her heart. She glanced at Lin Jinrong and Lang Zhisong, shook her head, and sighed.

Xiaoqing nodded, and the weight of her hand increased a little on Lu Wanyi's shoulder. "Lu Wanyi, when will you go back to Cornell?"

"I don't want to go back. I made it look like that in the department, and I definitely won't be in a good mood when I go back. Besides, I don't have much interest in that major. ”

"What if you don't go back? What's the plan? ”

"Not yet. Don't bother to think about it, let's talk about it. ”

Li Baobao decided not to study for a doctorate. He got a job in New Jersey with a master's degree, you know? ”

"I don't know. He brought me with him two months ago when he came to New York to see his girlfriend, and I haven't been in touch since. Has he gone to New Jersey? ”

"Not yet, it's only been a few days. When he went to New Jersey for an interview, he stopped by to see his girlfriend, and when he knew I was in New York, the two of them came to see me at my place. When he got the offer, he called me and told me to tell you. Tell him if you need any help, call him. Here's his phone number. Xiaoqing wrote Li Baobao's phone number on a small piece of paper. Lu Wanyi took it, folded it up, and put it in the pocket of her shorts.

The atmosphere in the room was suffocatingly stiff. Lu Wanyi narrowed her teary eyes and looked at Xiaoqing. During her year in the United States, she didn't make any friends, and Xiaoqing was a relatively close person. There is no confidant like Lin, and there is no lover like Qizhang. There was only one little man who hurt her and hurt her, who ruthlessly exploited her loneliness, her weakness, her amorous little man, and a man she knew she didn't want to marry when she got married. Two men like that! She wanted to tell Xiaoqing loudly: I hate these two men, I can't look down on them! However, I easily handed over myself, I am cheap, I am really cheap! I have to give myself away for nothing, and I don't want a penny. It's not as good as the depraved women you investigated. Lu Wanyi hates Lin Jinrong, hates Lang Zhisong, and hates herself!

Lang Zhisong lit a cigarette and smoked, erlang's legs were raised, and one foot was shaking nervously. The already stuffy and narrow room suddenly became even more unbearable. Lu Wanyi fanned the smell of cigarettes with one hand, looked at his forehead that was shiny from sweating, and thought: God, I am really blind, I actually went to get a marriage certificate with this man, and I actually shared a bed with this man!

Lin Jinrong was still picking at his nails. His baby-like white and fat ten fingers became more and more crooked in Lu Wanyi's eyes. It's these hands, how many times have they touched her body, lingering everywhere she goes! Her heart had been stirred for this, her blood had burned for this, her heart had pleaded in a low voice for this! All this, Lu Wanyi, how rash and ridiculous!

When Xiaoqing left, Lu Wanyi went downstairs with her to see her off. On the wooden chair in front of the building, Xiaoqing pulled Lu Wanyi and sat down together. "Lu Wanyi, what are you going to do? I'm here today, but I don't worry about you. I don't know what I can do for you. ”

Lu Wanyi gratefully took Xiaoqing's hand: "Thank you." How can others help with this kind of thing? I'm already comforted when you come to see me. At least I didn't go crazy in the two hours you're here. I'm going crazy now at the sight of either of them. ”

"It's conceivable," Xiaoqing smiled, "However, I really can't believe that you would marry someone like Lang Zhisong, and I can't believe that you would fall in love with someone like Lin Jinrong." Neither of them is very good. ”

"It's wrong," Lu Wanyi smiled bitterly, "It's all a product of a specific situation, and sometimes it's funny to think about." It's just that now that it's like this, I really don't know what to do. Lin Jinrong won't take me away, and I don't want to spend time with Lang Zhisong. I don't want to read books anymore, and I can't read them anymore. When something like this happens, how can I still study? ”

"There's something, I don't know if I should tell you now......" Xiaoqing hesitated.

"What's the matter? Go ahead. My days have made me mess around like this, what else do I care? Lu Wanyi said with a wry smile.

"I've heard that the department is unhappy with your performance last year and wants to interrupt your scholarship. Professor Chen worked hard for you to save the next semester. If you still don't get good grades next semester, you're in trouble. I didn't want to tell you at this time that your heart is already very messy, but I want to remind you that you can be prepared. ”

Lu Wanyi was silent, looking down at the tips of her shoes. There's really nothing left, really. But what is there to care about? She raised her head and smiled helplessly at Xiaoqing: "It doesn't matter. If not, there will be none. I didn't want to go back.

"But how will you live in the future?" Xiaoqing said worriedly.

Lu Wanyi smiled gratefully: "Let's count it as a day, I don't want to think about anything anymore." I don't have the strength to think about anything. I'm exhausted. Thank you, Xiaoqing, no matter whether we can see each other again in the future, I really thank you for your help and care for me this year. ”

Xiaoqing's eyes also turned red: "What did you say?" It's like life and death. You are still young, we are all still young, and we can always live the life we want to live and find the man we like. You're out of luck now, maybe you'll be better later. ”

"I hope so." Lu Wanyi gasped heavily, and pulled away the long hair on her chest, "Character determines fate." I am self-inflicted, but I can't blame anyone else. ”

"There are many roads to go, not to mention just one Lin Jinrong and Lang Zhisong, what can ten Lin Jinrong and Lang Zhisong do? Things have changed, and one day you'll feel like none of this is a big deal. Before getting on the subway, Xiaoqing instructed: "Take care, do you want me to call Li Baobao to see you?" ”

"No need. I'll call him myself if needed. "Didn't Li Baobao use her flesh once? Or did she take advantage of him? What else is there between them except the occasional hasty fornication? Of course, Xiaoqing didn't know this.

When she went back, Lang Zhisong was still smoking, and Lin Jinrong was still picking his nails. Lu Wanyi stood in the middle of the room for a long time, looking at the two of them, but she couldn't see anything. If Lang Zhisong beats Lin Jinrong, she will definitely follow him without hesitation and live a good life with him from now on; If Lin Jinrong can kick Lang Zhisong out of his room, or clearly say to Lu Wanyi, "I don't love you, I never loved you, I'm selfish, I'm using you", she will also forgive him, and everything between them will become an unforgettable memory, which will gradually fade away in the years to come.

However, she did not have such luck. Lin Jinrong and Lang Zhisong are just those two men. Two men that make her look down on. She took a deep breath, didn't look at the two of them again, packed a few pieces of clothing into a small box, and walked away without saying a word. In the summer afternoon of New York, there are still hot flashes without exception, although Lu Wanyi doesn't know where she wants to go or where she can go, but she doesn't want to see these two men again.