I was so disappointed and sad. These two words are not appreciated by those who have never been disappointed or sad. I'm really disappointed and sad!

All the tragedies were foreshadowed when you and I met, and the first moment you and I got together kicked off, and now, it has been staged for a long time. You see it climaxing, isn't it? When will it be the end of the play, I don't know. I don't know what will happen in the end. But tragedy is always tragedy and doesn't end in comedy. As the heroine of the tragedy, I am so tired that I just want it to end soon. You have made every day of mine gray, even though it is spring with a mild wind.

The tearing, the hollowing, the pain, the dizziness, and the resentment...... that hollow, distant voice; The feeling of not knowing what was going on......

I remember such days, this life and this life, unforgettable! In my heart, a small white candle has been lit for it......

I don't know how many women in the world have rain, snow and ice in their hearts all year round like me. But the wound in his chest was still fresh, and the blood was dripping. But I can't use it to smear my world. My front was so gloomy. But I thought about it, I thought about it so much, I thought about it, I slipped it in that bright red, and painted myself the only picture I wanted to draw in this life: a black sky, a white transparent body, splashed with blood like a vivid sunset...... It must have been beautiful, very moving.

Lin Wanyi sat at the table, tears dripping down her face and onto the paper, spotted. She wrote to Lin Jinrong every day, and she felt that her heart was like the grass on the reef by the sea at night, swept by the wind and invaded by the waves, and she had to keep struggling. Her homework has become more and more unable to keep up, and she knows that if this continues, she will have to be eliminated. If she wanted to keep the funding, she had to get at least a B or above in each subject, but she failed the mid-term exam in one subject, and that was the day after she returned from Lam Kam Wing. It was that time that she knew that Lin Jinrong was "married". But she can't care about so much, she has lost so much, what is she afraid of? She knew that she didn't have the ability to fight for anything else, and the only thing she could gamble on was Lin Jinrong. She is a gambler who has lost everything, and she has nothing to fear of losing. Recognizing this, she was very sad - she gave everything as if she was losing everything. In order to give herself a little balance, she blamed Li Baobao for everything she endured, even though she knew that it was the tragedy of her character. She hated him, and sometimes, she hated him so much that she thought of him, and she would curse him with all the most vicious words, and she would imagine what means she would use to get revenge on him, and in her imagination, she would do whatever it took to get rid of him.

It was getting dark outside, and the new buds on the trees outside the window were just small black dots in the twilight. The stream in the woods, the sound of "whooshing" could be heard in the distance. The sky was a pale purple cyan, and a few sparse stars had fallen into the sky. Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Brown nor Yumiko had returned, and the silence was so quiet that you could hear the night slowly falling.

At noon, Lin Wanyi's tutor Jenny Chen, the Chinese-American professor called her to the office again, and told her very unhappily that the department was very dissatisfied with Lin Wanyi, Lin Wanyi usually did not do much work, and her homework was not very good, but remembering that this was Lin Wanyi's first year, the department was willing to give her some more time. Lin Wanyi kept her head down and was silent.

"Lin Wanyi, what are your plans? You're talking. Jenny asked impatiently, "Why do you always look like you don't care?" ”

I didn't care about any of that, never did. Lin Wanyi wanted to scream, these are nothing to me!

"I can't get used to you Thai students looking like this! This is in the United States! If you don't read it well, what are you doing? If you only know that the United States is good, why don't you know that the competition in the United States is very fierce? If you don't want to endure hardship, stay in Thailand! "When Jenny scolded the Thais, she thought of herself as an American; When you scold Americans, be Thais. She came to the United States forty years ago, only sixteen years old, with only twenty dollars in her pocket, and although her stepfather was a well-known businessman in Hong Kong, she said that she would never want a penny from him for the sake of fighting for that tone. She was smart and hardworking, and she managed to finish college and graduate school on a scholarship and get a doctorate.

Lin Wanyi didn't bother to pay attention to her. I'm not like you, she said to herself. You can live without a man for a lifetime, you can be single for a lifetime, I can't. I have to have a man by my side, and it has to be a man I love and love me. I live for men, and I can't survive without men. I can't stand loneliness, I can't stand loneliness, I can't stand the world alone. I need the comfort of my heart, and I need skin to skin.

"Lin Wanyi, I'm talking to you, did you hear me!?" Jenny raised her voice. She was fat, with short hair like a man. Lin Wanyi has never seen her wear a skirt. Sometimes, Xiaoqing muttered to her that she suspected Jenny was gay.

"I hear you." Lin Wanyi said absentmindedly. What if you hear it and what you don't hear? She looked at Jenny with some blankness.

"Lin Wanyi, are you very melancholy?" Jenny asked. The melancholy in English seems to be less "serious" than the melancholy in Chinese, and it is often on people's lips. I heard that 70 percent of Cornell students see a psychiatrist because of "depression." "You should probably see a psychiatrist."

"I've been, it's useless."

After listening to Anna's advice that time, although she didn't believe it, Lin Wanyi still went to the school's clinic, thinking that it was free anyway, so it would be better to chat. But the middle-aged female psychiatrist seemed to be a faithful believer of Freud, she asked Lin Wanyi to answer more than a dozen questions, and after determining that Lin Wanyi really had "depression", she began to ask Lin Wanyi about her childhood. Lin Wanyi herself has read some psychology books, and knows that Freud's set is to find the trajectory of personality formation from people's childhood. Generally speaking, the state of mind of an adult is influenced by something or something that happened during his childhood. The psychiatrist asked Lin Wanyi's parents if they had quarreled, if they had abused her, if they were alcoholic or drug addicts, and if they were depressed. Lin Wanyi felt that these questions were simply an insult to her parents, and she replied very awe-inspiringly: "My parents love each other very much. They love us a lot. I grew up in a happy and normal family. She told her psychiatrist that she had been sentimental since she was a child and that she was often sick because she had been told by her parents. Later, she read too many novels, never read serious books, always regarded novels as life, and couldn't get out of her own fantasies. Now, she is in a strange country, she is very lonely mentally and stressful, and with this love affair with Lin Jinrong, she really has no way to face such a reality. Sometimes, she was so painful that she wanted to die. However, at the thought of her parents who loved her like that, she didn't even have the courage to die.

As soon as the psychiatrist heard that she wanted to die, he immediately panicked and picked up the phone to tell the psychiatrist that she had an emergency patient. The difference between a psychiatrist and a psychiatrist is that a psychiatrist can prescribe medication, whereas a psychiatrist can only "listen" and "persuade". Hearing that Lin Wanyi had thoughts of dying, the psychiatrist asked Lin Wanyi to see her immediately, and she didn't even need to make an appointment. The psychiatrist is also a middle-aged woman, very kind, like a mother. Lin Wanyi suspected that only women or not very intelligent men should study psychology or psychoanalysis, because such a profession was not needed

What kind of great ability, just be able to listen and speak.

"Lin Wanyi, tell me, why are you depressed?"

"I miss home. I don't like it here. I don't love my husband. I love others. ”

"Why don't you go back? Why stay here if you don't like it? Besides, you're twenty-six years old, how can you still be so homesick? You're an adult, Lin Wanyi, you're no longer Daddy and Mommy's little girl. You say you don't love your husband, divorce is it, be with the person you love. Do only what makes you free from suffering. ”

What you don't understand, you don't understand, Lin Wanyi said in her heart. How can American psychiatrists cure the mental illness of Thai people! Since human psychology is conditioned by environment and culture, how can Americans gain insight into the inner world of Thai people?

From then on, the psychiatrist told Lin to stick to the antidepressant drug "Prozak" and asked Lin to meet with her once a week. The medicine also really worked, and after a while, Lin Wanyi found that she was very quiet, and the things that instinctively made her cry, such as Lin Jinrong's letter, or calling Lin Jinrong, or writing to her parents, no longer made her cry. She is no longer in despair.

Later, however, she grew tired of it. Every time she went to see the doctor, she had to ask Lin Wanyi, "How did you feel in the past week?" Have you ever thought about dying? Let Lin Wanyi feel that if she didn't have the idea of dying, she was really sorry for the doctor's concern. Besides, she was also afraid that the drug would bring her side effects. She was afraid that she would become a person without feeling or feeling. She would rather perish in great joy and sorrow than live in numbness. Two months later, she told the doctor, "I feel fine. I don't have any thoughts of dying anymore. I'm optimistic. I don't think I'll ever need to come to see you again, I'll never need to take medicine again. The doctor was also very happy, as if she had saved Lin Wanyi from the line of death: "Congratulations, Lin Wanyi." I also wish to see you again. ”

In fact, the thought of death never left Lin Wanyi. Maybe it was a very early time, before she came here, before everything between her and Lin Jinrong, she had this idea. Of course, it is just an escape when she can't face reality, but she will never have the courage and strength to die, it is just a fantasy, a temptation. Sometimes, Lin Wanyi is deeply fascinated by it.

"Lin Wanyi, you can't study in such a mental state. You will be eliminated. Jenny's tone was worried. In fact, although she has a bad temper, the other students in the department are reluctant to follow her, and she only has Xiaoqing and Lin Wanyi under her, but she still cares about them in all aspects. She remembered that Xiaoqing and Lin Wanyi couldn't cook, and they didn't have time to cook, and they were reluctant to go out to eat, so she often took the two of them to the school cafeteria. Cornell's cafeteria, the quality is really good. They are all buffets, and there are many kinds of dishes to choose from, including raw and cooked meat and vegetables. Every time Lin Wanyi and Xiaoqing let go of their stomachs to eat, they didn't worry about their stomach and weight. Eating such a meal outside costs at least a dozen yuan, which is unaffordable for ordinary students.

"It doesn't matter." Lin Wanyi sighed and said.

"Lin Wanyi, I hate your indifferent attitude. How can it not matter? This is Cornell, do you know how many people can't get in if they want to? This is the famous 'Ivy League' school! ”

I know, Lin Wanyi thought. So what? I never cared what school I went to. I just want to be emotionally happy. But I've never been happy. I can't do anything if I'm not happy, I don't care about anything. Love has always been my pillar, and I don't have everything without happy love, even though I know how shallow I am because of it.

"Lin Wanyi, if you have this attitude, I can't help you. Otherwise, if the department decides what to do to you, I can help you out. But you're making it impossible for me to speak. "Jenny has a bad temper, and her popularity is not very good. She became an associate professor 20 years ago and is still not a professor. No one mentioned her every time, although she did a good job of teaching and researching. However, although everyone doesn't like her, they are afraid of her, because she dares to scold anyone, and she dares to scold anything.

"Jenny, thank you. Still, it's nothing, there's no need to fight for anything for me. I really don't care

Target. ”

"And what are your plans?"

"Not yet."

At this time, Lin Wanyi was writing to Lin Jinrong again. Talking to him, whether on the phone or on paper, made Lin Wanyi's heart break and pain. Recalling the warm feeling that the little boy on Johnson Station on 42nd Street in New York brought to her has long been gone, and every time he comes up, there is only resentment and hatred, and there is sadness that is blocked in his chest and cannot be swallowed and spit out. He's going to kill me! Because of him, I had nothing.

She couldn't forget that day. It was the day before the Spring Festival, and she wanted to get rid of "it", now that it had been decided to remove it. She wanted to go to Lin Jinrong and spend the Spring Festival with him. She didn't want to endure that discomfort anymore, since there was no reason to endure it anymore. It was Xiaoqing who sent her there, on that gray afternoon with fine snow. Since then, as soon as the weather arrives, Lin Wanyi has been drained of pain and dizziness.

After that, Xiaoqing sent her to Johnson Station. It was so cold, Lin Wanyi was wearing an old tweed coat bought for ten dollars, with a white sweater and a dark green skirt. It was at this time that she also hoped that when she met Lin Jinrong, she would not look too ugly.

For five hours in the car, she was groggy all the time. It was pitch black both inside and outside the car. She wondered if it was just a dream. She wanted to cry without tears.

When Lin Jinrong pulled her off the car door, she felt light. She didn't see Lin Jinrong's expression clearly.

"Lin Jinrong, no, nothing." While waiting for the subway, she said to him with her eyes closed. Her voice seemed to come from afar, and even she couldn't hear it clearly. The cramping pain came from the lower abdomen.

That night, she didn't say anything, just cried. Crying silently, she was ashamed of the "it" that had no chance to come to the world, and even more ashamed of herself and her expectations. She cried for a long, long time. Tears soaked half of the pillow. Lin Jinrong had to lie on top of her and said, "Lin Wanyi, is this the only way?" Is this the only way I can comfort you? ”

But what is the only thing that can comfort me in my loss and pain! She shouted desperately in her heart. Everything about Lin Wanyi was hollowed out. In this life, can you fill it?

Child, child, my child will never have a chance to grow into a child of life! In the future, when you meet in another world, don't forgive me, don't let me go!

Why is it so lonely! Every day is as lonely as an endless night. What a long day! I don't know when the sun will rise and when it will set. Everywhere is a piece of green, boundless. There is no other color. Rheumatic and sticky, all the roads stretched out like a breath. And every dark night is as lonely as a huge tomb. Only the car flashed its lights and drove by, which made the thick layer of loneliness add a bit of tension. It was dark and solemn, and it seemed that some water could be squeezed out.

And so the days went by, day after day. Lin Wanyi didn't know what to do and didn't want to do. She felt very tired, as if there was a strong curtain hanging listlessly in front of her. She couldn't see what was behind the curtain, and she didn't bother to make that effort to lift it. Let it be, she used to think. What happens if you let it go? She didn't bother to know. She felt like she was finished, never so decadent. I just want to lie in bed, close my eyes, and not dream. It's too tiring to dream.

But she couldn't sleep. Every night, she would have insomnia. What comes to mind is all the things that happened in the past. Or, what could and couldn't happen later. She didn't want to look at it. I always feel like nothing. What about Gu? The world makes no difference between when she opens her eyes and when she closes them. She was so tired, exhausted every day. How could the days be so hopeless and boring!

Lin Wanyi always wants to find someone to talk to something. Perhaps, to say something, it would be slightly better. Although she knew that things would not be any different to her no matter what, she still wanted to find someone to talk to. She is a person who is afraid of loneliness. Every day, every day, she was so lonely that she just wanted to shout loudly, hysterically. But she couldn't shout. You can't shout when you're at home, and you still can't here. Maybe I don't dare, I have a psychological disorder, and I'm afraid that others will say that there is something wrong with me. Anyone is afraid of being seen as an anomaly. Everyone wants to live a "normal" life.

But there is no one to talk to, no. Because of loneliness, Lin Wanyi really wanted to give her tonight to someone, using a carnal carnival in exchange for a moment to forget the lonely moment. In the process of indulging one's desires in the extreme, in the entanglement and tearing of two flesh bodies, he may not be able to think of anything. So, when some people are bored, they imagine or talk about men or women, they think about sex. Lin Wanyi doesn't think it's a joy to find a man to sleep with when she's bored, but it's much better to have someone to accompany her than to lie on a wide bed and toss and turn and can't fall asleep.

So, she really wanted to find a man to sleep with, anyone. However, even if it was a random person, there was none. She flipped through the phone number book and pondered for a moment, not knowing who to call. You don't have to say, "Hey, would you like to sleep with me tonight?" Although she felt that she had done it to the extreme, she did not have the courage and frankness.

It was lively in the living room. Mr. and Mrs. Brown were talking and laughing loudly with some friends. Lin Wanyi sat on the sofa blankly, staring blankly at their mouths opening and closing, but she didn't know what they were talking about. Her soul was out of her body, and she knew she wasn't here anymore. Of course, she also laughed a few times from time to time, echoing them, so as not to appear rude. But she knew it would be hard to get her back. She's gone. Who could she give herself to? She wished there was a reason for her to shout at this moment.

Yesterday, I met Li Baobao in the library. Li Baobao said: "Go to my house and sit for a while." From his gaze, Lin Wanyi knew what he wanted to do. She was a little angry, but nodded anyway.

It was cold. The wind was howling and blowing out of place. It's already summer, there is no sun, wet and cloudy. In this kind of weather, those ancient buildings on campus have a nostalgic taste of funeral. Something about the vibe was squeezing in her from all sides, and she wanted to run up to the bell tower and jump down. It was the only thing she could think of in this gloomy weather. Or set fire to everything.

Lin Wanyi wore a white denim suit, which she bought when she was teaching in China. At that time, her hair was cut in a short childlike style, a royal blue or snow-blue camisole under a white denim suit, and a multicolored stone strap-on her chest. At that time, she liked to straddle the dark green saddle of the bike, kick the ground with her feet, and laugh like a boy. In China, spring in the north always makes Lin Wanyi feel that her mood is as bright as the sky. She once told her friends that as long as she smelled the fragrance of poplar trees, she felt that the world was hers......

There was no one on the road. Lin Wanyi felt very cold, and she had to hug her shoulders with her hands. Li Baobao walked tall beside her, making her feel more and more insignificant. She didn't want to say anything to him. In her opinion, he is sometimes very enthusiastic, but he is also the kind of person who is more vulgar and does not understand feelings, at least not the kind of feelings she understands.

A cold wind blew, and Lin Wanyi felt the urge to hold his arm. How she wished she could hold someone's arm! She turned her face to look at him, and when she saw that he was glazed over, she hung her head in a daze. She was so cold, and she felt so helpless.

Once in his bedroom, he forced himself to tear off her trousers. She twisted her head to the side, not looking at him or letting him kiss her. It's no different from rape, maybe the rapist is more skilled, she thought hatefully. However, she was lonely. In any case, this is perhaps better than loneliness. Because there is someone who is ravaging you, squeezing you, there is something tangible lying on you, it can be seen, it can be touched, it has shape, it has weight, it has touch, it has temperature, it has movement......

His bad breath made Lin Wanyi want to vomit. Lin Wanyi closed her eyes tightly and didn't dare to open them. Perhaps, he thought she was going crazy? Lin Wanyi was afraid that she would run away screaming loudly when she saw his face, and she believed that his face must be ugly at this time. She only felt that something rough and rough was forcing herself, rubbing herself, and she was in pain. She tried to push him away, but he overwhelmed her. But he was too heavy, like a bear.

He seemed satisfied, and became more and more rough. also asked Lin Wanyi: "Lin Wanyi, do you like it?" Like and I love love? Lin Wanyi bit her lower lip tightly and didn't squeak. I thought: Be your mother's love, I'm in fellowship with you. Intersect is a rather disgusting-sounding word. You can have fellowship with any man, but you can only have love with the man you love. It's like Lin Jinrong...... Oh, Lin Jinrong, Lin Jinrong! Lin Wanyi felt that her lips were about to be bitten and bleed.

"Do you like it?" He's still asking. Lin Wanyi still didn't speak.

Lin Wanyi gritted her teeth and endured. She wanted to vomit.

He gasped, breathing as thick as pulling a bellows.

Although he was upside down as if he was practicing, Lin Wanyi still couldn't get excited at all. She knew she was just a zombie, a container with temperature, a space to stuff with some kind of filth. She felt sorry for herself. She knew it was her body, but she didn't know where her soul was. Every day, every day, the body is like a walking corpse, and the soul is like a kite. Her soul could never control her body.

She misses Lin Jinrong. Every time she is with Lin Jinrong, she can get the most extreme satisfaction. As long as she was lying in his arms, she always wanted him and wanted to give it to him. She's always so wet and smooth. She was desperate to accept him, to embrace him, to hold him. That's love love, real love love. She melted all her love for him into that twitching and humming joy. At that time, there was a kind of mutual promise and mutual support. It was only then that she truly understood the true meaning of making a personal promise. She wanted to hug him, she really wanted to hug him like that, and die.

That's when the phone rang. Li Baobao got out of bed naked, wiping himself with paper while talking on the phone. Lin Wanyi still didn't open her eyes and lay down in her blouse. She was annoyed, to herself, to Li Baobao. What is this? In a hurry just to join those two parts? Isn't it lonely to death anymore? She really wanted to spit in his face, and then slap herself hard.

She touched her thigh. Very smooth and cool. But she still felt that there was some filth sticking to her lower abdomen, even though Li Baobao had wiped it for her. She wanted to wash herself well, desperately, from the inside out, to be reborn.

Lin Wanyi opened her eyes, pulled the quilt, and covered herself. Outside the window, it was still a gloomy day, and the leaves were swaying lazily. She was very sad, a faint ache and pain welled up in her heart, her whole body trembled, and tears slowly flowed down the corners of her eyes to the pillow. Lin Jinrong, Lin Jinrong, Lin Jinrong--

"Lin Wanyi, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Li Baobao's voice seemed to be very gentle, but also a little annoyed. He was dressed, and a huge wooden stake stood in front of him. He was tall, but not dashing, and she always thought he was a little stupid.

Lin Wanyi ignored him and didn't speak. Large teardrops rolled onto the pillow. She hated herself and hated herself at this time. She didn't like him at all. It was because of loneliness, because of boredom, because of an empty sadness and despair, that she allowed herself to belittle herself so mercilessly.

"Get dressed and get up, okay?" Li Baobao was talking again, and his head was tilted towards her. Lin Wanyi glanced at him in disgust and turned her head.

Li Baobao stretched out his hand and stroked Lin Wanyi's thigh. Lin Wanyi suddenly felt creepy, as if she had touched a toad. She tugged at her trousers and put them on three times and twice, but she still lay still.

"Come, I'll help you put your shoes on." Li Baobao put his shoes on her feet. She sighed heavily, sat up, and patted his arm lightly.

It's not interesting, don't do it in the future, she thought.

She was still cold. The most terrifying thing is that she has that feeling of being in a different world. It seems that what she experienced at this time has happened before. She didn't understand who she was. She really wanted to tear her throat and scream desperately. For many years, she had wanted to shout like this, but she never did.

The hands on the watch are moving relentlessly. The night was getting deeper. Her fear grew deeper. For many years, the night had been a hell for her. She was afraid of the feeling she had when she had insomnia. She didn't know where to put her hands and feet, and she didn't know what position to lie in. I have a splitting headache and I can't open my eyes, but I am still thinking about something, listening to something, and silently saying something to someone. The clock ticked on the table, and she seemed to hear some kind of curse, and wanted to kill something, burn something, and destroy something. Every dark night, she struggled so hopelessly. In her heart, she cried wildly.

The bed grew bigger and bigger, and at last it became like a huge cloud. Lin Wanyi is getting smaller and smaller, shrinking like a baby. She was curled up. The bed kept floating. Lin Wanyi thought about it, she couldn't stand this floating feeling. She found that the soles of her feet were a gray bottomless space. She was afraid that she would fall behind. She desperately wanted to stretch herself, but there was a kind of power that came from all directions, ruthlessly compressing her and squeezing her. She's getting smaller and smaller.

"Help me, help me--" Lin Wanyi exclaimed with all her might, but she couldn't make a sound. It was as if a big hand was grabbing her throat. There was the sound of heavy breathing from next door. Yumiko is sleeping soundly. Lin Wanyi hoped that someone would break in and pull her out of bed, so that all of this would pass.

No one could save her, she knew. Almost every night, she struggled like this. She no longer tried in vain, calmed down, and waited. Slowly, she saw herself dressed, picked up her book, and walked out the door. She walked lightly, like a space dance. This feeling of no weight made Lin Wanyi feel a suffocating heaviness. Lin Wanyi saw herself quietly open the door and walked out. Outside was a desolate area, with no roads, only yellow weeds. There are no days either. Lin Wanyi saw that she accidentally tripped over a stone and fell to the ground. At that time, Lin Wanyi didn't know that this kind of problem was called "sleep paralysis", some people were mental, and some were physical.

Lin Wanyi on the bed twitched suddenly, feeling that something had returned to her body. She was finally able to move herself. She stretched out her hand, turned on the lamp, opened the Bible, and read it softly:

"Therefore God did unclean things according to the lust of their hearts, so that they defiled their bodies one another. They turn the truth of God into a lie, worshipping and serving the creature rather than the Creator. Blessed is the Lord forever. Amen. Therefore, God gave them over to shameful lusts......"

Lin Wanyi is not a Christian. She knew that it would be very difficult to find a spiritual pillar for herself. She couldn't believe anything she hadn't gotten, never seen, never experienced. However, she always needed to find something to fill herself, to plug herself, even though she knew that she was still empty after filling the blockage. So, she always had a Bible next to her pillow, and when she had insomnia, she would occasionally read a few paragraphs, and she didn't know what she was reading. She often felt that it was blasphemy.

Outside, there was a dead silence. Lin Wanyi's face looked pale in the dim light. Her dark hair was draped over her shoulders. Her gaze was very sloppy, looking straight ahead, her eyes motionless. The walls were white, and there wasn't even a single black spot on them. It seemed that she was going to wait for the night to pass.

"Where am I?" Lin Wanyi always has such a question. This question often haunted her. At this point, she didn't have the strength to find an answer. At some point, her eagerness to find answers vanished, and was replaced by a boredom. What if there is an answer? She often thinks like this, it's not interesting.

She turned off the lights and got back under the covers. Every joint was so sore that she wanted to sawed them off. Wouldn't it be better to die? She looked down on herself and thought she didn't even have the courage to try to die.

"Night, why is it so long!" Cold tears rolled down the ground.

The night is so long......

She was also lonely when she was at home. Yet, she was able to resist that deadly temptation. I remember one autumn night that year, she and the famous writer held a glass full of crimson wine, and talked about "urban poetry", "postmodern novels", and anecdotes about the well-known literati in the province. He was a sturdy young man with short, stiff black hair, high eyebrows, and long, slightly sunken eyes. I don't know if it's because Lin Wanyi is already too strong to drink, or because of his deep gaze, she slowly lowered her head on a chair, floating and trying to sleep. It was a very comfortable feeling, her mind was a gentle milky white, and she smiled, just wanting to sleep, sleep deeply, and not think of anything else.

"Stay, stay, okay?" She heard the writer whisper in her ear, and there was a tremor in her voice. The hot breath from his mouth blew on her neck, tickling it, and she wanted to laugh, but the sleepiness wrapped her so tightly that she couldn't move. "Stay, I'm lonely! You're lonely, too, I know. She felt his somewhat rough hand caressing her face gently.

Listening to his words, she was a little sour, but a question still popped up in her groggy mind: Why are his hands so rough? He doesn't look like a literati at all. You are lonely, and I am lonely. She wanted to cry.

"Stay, we're all alone. Why not comfort one another? He cupped her head to his chest and muttered. Yes, we're all lonely, so why not comfort each other? The writer's whisper, like a soft but sharp knife, gently scratched in Lin Wanyi's heart, although there was no blood, it was also a clear pain. The pain made her open her eyes suddenly, and she was completely sleepy. At that time, the full moon unique to the north was hanging in the middle of the sky in a big and round place, and through the branches and leaves of the sycamore trees outside the window, it sprinkled a mysterious, warm, but sexy spot of water in the room without the lights on. She felt a chill chill at the thought of her own quarters, a room with only bookshelves, a desk, and a single wooden bed surrounded by whitewashed walls. The writer's hands were around her, her head resting on his chest, and she felt his heat, the kind of warmth that only men could find through her sweater and his. This warmth fascinated her, and gave her a sense of hope to rest in it.

"Stay." His face pressed against her hair, pleading.

"Stay?" She asked him. She felt him nod. "But let me think about it, let me think about it, okay?" She buried her head deeper into his arms. She didn't want to go at all. However, she was afraid, afraid that this temptation would make her more lonely in the future. Don't take any chances. But she really didn't want to go back to her place.

"I'll stay. But, promise me, that's it, that's all, okay? Otherwise, our friendship will be gone after tonight and become something else. "And nothing else is as beautiful and long-lasting as friendship.

He nodded and carried her to the bed. In this way, in the water and moon, they lay in each other's arms, and her head rested calmly on his naturally outstretched arm. Even many years later, when Lin Wanyi wrote to him, she thanked his arm that night and the innocence of dependence. Since then, their friendship has grown even closer. Over the years, he was the only man who didn't need her to say a lot to understand her. That night was their only one. They never mention it. When they were lonely, they comforted each other, but they resisted temptation. They will always share the victory when they are weak.

But why was she so easily tempted here! Think about everything between her and Li Baobao, Lin Wanyi

I just feel ugly and disgusting. Li Baobao is actually good-looking, but because everything is too "practical" and too naked

, Lin Wanyi felt that Li Baobao was also ugly and disgusting. Every time after talking to Li Baobao, she was in tears, sometimes desperate

Weep! So much so that Li Baobao said angrily: "Lin Wanyi, why are you!" In that case, let's not get along

Finish. ”

Lin Wanyi always thinks about Lin Jinrong. When I was with Lin Jinrong, it was a passion that was surging like the tide of the sea, joy like waves lapping on a reef, and tranquility and satisfaction like a sand beach that still left wet traces after the tide receded. It is the process of two autumn leaves intertwining together to rise into the clear sky under the sun, and then fall together on the soft lawn. And with Li Baobao, what is it? Like a hungry person who turns over a bone in a garbage can, and feels even more hungry and nauseous after gnawing it? No, Lin Wanyi is not hungry. Perhaps, in addition to loneliness, and because she wants to take revenge on Lin Jinrong? Can you get revenge?

Once went to Lin Jinrong's place, Lin Wanyi told him everything between him and Li Baobao like a story. Lin Jinrong cried,

said: "Lin Wanyi, how did you degenerate like this? ”

Seeing his tears, Lin Wanyi thought that Lin Jinrong still cared about her. She didn't want to upset him. So, she told him she made it up to wonder if he really cared about her. However, Lin Wanyi had an indescribable happiness in her heart: she could still make Lin Jinrong sad, and she took revenge on him to a certain extent, although she couldn't afford the price of this revenge in the future.

"Lin Wanyi, if my girlfriend could be as sensitive as you, there would not be all this between me and you." Once, on Lin Wanyi's bed, Li Baobao supported his body with one elbow and stroked Lin Wanyi's smooth and delicate mountain peaks with the other. Lin Wanyi closed her eyes and pretended not to hear anything. The door was lightly closed, because when she led Li Baobao into her room, Yumiko, who was sitting in the living room, looked at her inquiringly. The Browns haven't gone home yet, but Lin Wanyi knows that they are both strict Christians, and if they know about this matter, it will definitely be another preach that makes Lin Wanyi unbearable - Lin Wanyi is married after all. Therefore, whenever Li Baobao made a sound just now, Lin Wanyi always had to block his mouth with her hand.

Sometimes, although Lin Wanyi felt that everything between her and Li Baobao made her look down on herself, made her feel disgusting and incorrigible, but, when his flesh was close to hers, at least, there was no gap between him and her. Lin Wanyi is afraid of so many gaps in the days. When her sweaty body leaned against Li Baobao's sweaty body, when she felt his weight, at that moment, she had a heavy feeling after all. This feeling gave her a moment of comfort: physically, she was not alone. Although, when Li Baobao leaves, she will be even more empty and empty! Because she was living with Mr. and Mrs. Brown, she couldn't stay overnight. Sometimes, however, she wished he would stay, and let her sleep in the crook of his arm—as long as he was a man, whoever he was. In fact, Li Baobao has broad shoulders and strong arms. He often took Lin Wanyi's hand and stroked his body, while asking, "Lin Wanyi, I'm very powerful, right?" Looking at the expectation in his eyes, Lin Wanyi could only nod mechanically, and her heart was actually blank. Compared with Li Baobao, Lin Jinrong is very weak, but he sucked everything about Lin Wanyi dry. Lin Wanyi didn't leave anything for herself or anyone else.

"Lin Wanyi, if you really don't want to live with your husband, marry me." Several times, when her body unconsciously reacted to Li Baobao, he pleaded. It's just instinct, Lin Wanyi said silently. She knew that she was too sensitive physically and mentally, perhaps because her heart was too sensitive, so she had a strong reaction to any touch. The men who had been with her were so surprised and fascinated by her sensitivity! Because of Lin Jinrong, because when she was with Li Baobao, she thought about Lin Jinrong, and she always felt that she was very mechanical and passive, although Li Baobao repeatedly said: "It would be nice if my girlfriend could be like you." "With Lim Kim Young, she is so debauched, crazy, gentle, and submissive! In front of him, she was a complete woman, a woman in love, a woman who loved desperately and completely. Because of this love, she was destined to lose it very desperately and completely.