When you are truly carefree, you will find that the world seems to be alienating you, making you feel scared and uneasy. ’

I remember the rest of my life being very cold......

In her consciousness, my mother was unwilling to drag me down because of her serious illness, and on the other hand, she was tormented enough by the days of drinking medicine and treatment all year round, and finally chose to leave quietly.

In the years before and after my mother's death, I worked hard to give my relatives more choices when facing difficulties, but ordinary people are above fate after all, and there is not much room for choice, and the parents of the two families also left one after another six years after my mother's death, I know that this is the inevitable process of life, but I still can't let go.

I buried them with Su Huan and Xiaoxi, I think they will definitely not be as lonely as me, and I can come to visit them from time to time.

They left one after another, and my world was empty. I started to get scared, I started to be overwhelmed, I didn't know what the point of my life was going to be, I had no motivation to live at all.

People who are over half a hundred years old live with a sense of desolation at the end of their lives, and I feel that I must find some sustenance.

At the age of fifty-five, I went on to work in a small factory, intending to pass the time, preferring to keep my body busy rather than those who spend all day at the mahjong table, so busy that I couldn't move in bed before I could sleep soundly.

The living standard in the township is not high, the salary is generally not high, and I have almost no food and clothing for myself, and I can save nearly 30,000 yuan in the remaining year. When I was 60 years old, the factory told me that my age exceeded the employment requirements of the factory, so I could only be dismissed, I calculated carefully, and I saved 150,000 yuan in five years.

Later, I didn't know what else I could do at my age, and when I went to the kindergarten where Xiaoxi used to go to school, I happened to see the recruitment of security guards, and I was a little hesitant, because at this moment I had unspeakable heartache and sourness in my heart.

"Daddy!" I saw the familiar shadow in my teary eyes.

I wiped tears from my eyes, and I thought I should give it a try.

"You're applying for a security guard?"

"Yes."

"How old are you?"

"Sixty years old." I thought that if I didn't meet the age limit, I would immediately go to the welfare home to report, and also go to the elderly square like them, in addition to a group of elderly people to talk to, I can also sit on that bench and watch the sunset......

“…… OK! You'll go to work tomorrow. ”

I'm very happy, because now I can see those immature figures, just like my daughter Li Xiaoxi who can protect me.

I have been working as a security guard for another five years, and if it weren't for the age limit, I could continue to work, and I could get some comfort in my heart by working here, not because of the salary of 1,000 yuan a month.

The flowers in front of my parents, Su Huan and my daughter's grave have never broken, and I can often stay here for a day and confide in them all the pent-up words that have been suppressed for a long time, but they always listen silently.

"Su Huan, Xiaoxi, I have really become a loner now, and there is no one to talk to, if only you were still there!" I leaned against the tombstone.

At this time, I feel that I am a superfluous person, you will find that you can't do the work, there is no one to talk to and no one can talk to you about your heart, and all this can only be digested alone, you will be afraid that one day if you die and stink and no one will know, I decided to live in a welfare home.

When I got home, I found that I couldn't move anything in the house, and my memory became worse and worse as I got older. In the end, I only brought the only photo frame of Su Huan and her daughter.

I will save a part of the 200,000 yuan to the welfare home, and part of it will be kept for myself, in addition to the social security I originally paid, the welfare home naturally likes me very much.

After moving into the orphanage, I found it too noisy and I didn't like it. The only thing I like to spend the most time is the bench at sunset, where I can sit at dusk until the whole sun goes down.

In fact, I have only stayed in the welfare home a handful of times, basically staying in the house, I can feel Su Huan, Xiaoxi and my parents, I can see them in my dreams, which makes me feel more fulfilled and warm.

Since Su Huan left, I have been fond of drinking, especially before going to bed, so that I can fall asleep faster. Under the influence of alcohol, I was able to communicate between reality and fantasy, and get more spiritual comfort.

As a result, there are some minor physical problems intermittently, such as stomach pain, dizziness, etc.

After the age of sixty-five, because he had nothing to do all day, he drank more happily. Finally went to the hospital on a dim afternoon because of angina.

"Old man, your heart can't bear the fact that you're drinking, and your stomach is overwhelmed." The doctor said earnestly. "Drink it again, and your life will be in it."

"Thank you, doctor." I just smiled implicitly, in this life I lost my dreams, I lost my happiness, it was so difficult for me to persevere, what does it matter if I die.

The doctor asked me to have surgery, and there was no one to sign for me, and I thought that it was not necessary to spend so much money at the age of almost entering the earth, so I simply bought some medicine to continue this life.

Seven years passed in a trance, there was nothing to remember and remember, often in the old building panic all day long, occasionally went to live in the welfare home, but then the welfare home let me try to stay there and they were good to take care of, and I was also a significant decline in physical fitness, and even laundry and cooking felt a little inadequate, so I went more.

At the age of 71, angina pectoris became more frequent and worse each time, and the regular medical check-ups at the welfare home also showed that my heart problems were very serious.

I used all my savings to go to the city hospital for a check-up, and the doctor told me that my body except for the heart and brain was very problematic because of the long-term stimulation of alcohol, and said that if I hadn't been there, my body might have collapsed long ago.

"Uncle, if your body is cured early and quit drinking early, you can last for a few more years." The doctor shook his head.

Under my insistent questioning, the doctor told me that there may only be four or five years left, and when I heard this, I was not afraid or afraid, and even a little happy, at that time, I probably felt that I was finally about to be reunited with my family, and I could finally meet Su Huan again and meet my lovely and clever daughter Xiaoxi...... Or maybe I'll be able to get out of this boring world without worrying.

When I knew this, I felt a little hopeful, and I suddenly had a bold idea, I wanted to start recording the last days of my life, even if I went to see my family and Su Huan, I had to meet in the best state.

After a while, I found that talking with pen and paper really relieved me a lot.

……

"You are?"

"I'm the driver of the car accident, just call me Xiaojiang." A young man with a capable figure is holding gifts of all sizes. "Uncle, I'm sorry, I'm very uneasy during this time......"

I looked at the sincerity, kindness and purity in the eyes of this young man in front of me, which made me feel a little emotional.

This young man introduced me to the general process of the car accident, and the doctor told him that I did not have much impact elsewhere in my body, and the most important thing was that I had a deep coma caused by the impact due to the foundation of cardiovascular and cerebrovascular diseases, and he also kept going back and forth between work and the hospital.

The young man chatted with me for a long time, and when he found out about my situation, he offered to come and see me often in the future, and I was a little reluctant the moment he left.

"What a good young man!" I walked over to the windowsill and watched him go.