In real life, people often have conflicts for one reason or another, causing quarrels and disputes. If these disputes are not resolved in a timely manner and "turn hostility into friendship", they will inevitably have a negative impact on each other's work and life. Therefore, we must be good at mediating all kinds of disputes, so that the people around us have a harmonious relationship and work happily.

● Language Arts for Dispute Resolution

With the development of the commodity economy and the enhancement of people's legal awareness, the number and types of civil and economic disputes are increasing day by day, and due to the in-depth development of legal education, the disputes that can be settled by persuasion and pressure in the past are now not so simple, which puts forward higher requirements for mediation language.

As everyone knows, mediation is intended to inform the parties of the law, and to urge the responsible party to clarify its legal responsibilities by presenting facts, reasoning, and discussing right and wrong, so that the party enjoying the rights can understand the mistakes of the other party, and shake hands and make peace on the basis of opening up ideas, raising consciousness, and unifying understanding. To achieve this goal, the mediator must stand on the side of impartiality, represent the strict law, and must not be tendentious, which is the premise and guarantee of the success of the mediation language. In the specific practice of civil mediation, in order to make the mediation language smoothly accepted by the mediation object, the following points should be noted:

1. The words are sincere, lawful and reasonable

Since it is mediation, the two sides of the mediation belong to the internal contradictions of the people without any serious conflict, and the best way should be to resolve them peacefully, which requires that the language of mediation not only conform to legal norms, but also conform to the specific psychology of the mediation object. Sometimes, although the language of mediation is reasonable and legitimate, it is not "reasonable". It can be seen that the mediation language cannot be rigidly copied, and different mediation languages must be selected according to the different psychological characteristics of the mediation object.

2. Speak because of people, and be loyal to you

People in the world often say that "good medicine is good for disease, and good advice is good for action", but with the rapid development of science and technology, good medicine has also been coated with sugar and become delicious. Since good medicine is not necessarily bitter, then advice may not be contrary to the ear, it depends on the quality of the way of speaking. The mediators should grasp the self-esteem and face-loving psychology of the mediation object, proceed from the protection of the reputation of both parties, understand the reason, and move the emotion, so that the expression of the advice is profound and decent, and the advice becomes pleasing to the ears and the practice.

3. "Agree" first, and then disagree

When the mediator conducts mediation, due to his or her specific status, the mediator often makes the mediator nervous, defensive and even antagonistic. In order to make one's opinion easy to be accepted by the mediator, it is advisable to use the method of "approval", that is, to emphasize the "agreement" of the two parties in a certain aspect, such as emphasizing the common desire, or affirming the correctness of the other party's opinion on a certain point, and so on. This method of finding "consistency" helps to dispel the antagonism of the mediator, calm the agitation, and accept one's correct opinion rationally and calmly. This kind of mediation language of finding resonance points and first agreeing with the strengths and then refuting the weaknesses not only balances the grievances and anger of the mediated object, but also makes them accept their own opinions naturally, and achieves twice the result with half the effort.

● Evoke a sense of honor in the person concerned

The glory and praise that a person once had often become the driving force for him to be strict with himself, but in the process of quarreling, people are often easy to forget the usual requirements of themselves due to emotional excitement. Therefore, the mediator should point out the pride of the quarrelmaker at the right time, arouse his sense of honor, and make him realize that as a respectable person, he should restrain his emotions and solve the problem with reason, so that he can be worthy of his own honor, so he consciously gives up the quarrel.

On a bus, the attendant grabbed the passenger as he closed the door, but he still didn't admit it. At this time, a young man named Xiaoding was upset and said to the flight attendant: "What are you doing to eat!" If you don't like to do it, go home and pick up the child! The two argued. At this time, an old man standing next to Xiao Ding spoke, he patted Xiao Ding's shoulder and said, "Xiao Ding, it's not enough for you to be the king of machine repair, do you still want to be a quarrel king?" The young man said, "Master, I don't know you!" "I know you, last time I went to your factory, you stood on the honor roll at the door to welcome me, that extra-large photo is amazing!" The young man's face turned red all at once. The old man said, "Don't quarrel anymore, this is not the solution to the problem." A dispute was settled.

In this case, the awakened sense of honor plays a big role. The young man quarreled over a fight, and the old man promptly reminded him that he had been on the honor roll, suggesting that his quarrel would damage his honor. When the young man realized this, he was immediately ashamed of his impulsiveness, and quickly regained his composure.

●Emphasize the differences between the parties to the dispute

This method refers to not evaluating the personalities of the two parties to the dispute, but emphasizing the differences between the two parties in terms of personality and ability, so as to objectively have the effect of praise and disapproval, so as to resolve the dispute. When people quarrel, they often argue over who is right and who is wrong, who is good and who is bad, and direct praise and disapproval will at least cause dissatisfaction on one side and even hurt their self-esteem. Therefore, when persuading one side, the persuader should avoid the important and trivialize, and not make a judgment on the moral superiority and inferiority of the two parties, but emphasize the differences in personality and ability between the two, and objectively affirm one side, so that he can be satisfied and give up the dispute.

Xiao Chen and Xiao Yang are new young teachers at a school, Xiao Chen is thoughtful and thoughtful; Xiao Yang has a somewhat reckless temperament, but he has strong business ability. Once, there was an argument between the two young people, Xiao Chen couldn't say that Xiao Yang was wronged, and ran to the principal to complain. The principal patted Xiao Chen on the shoulder and said, "Xiao Chen, you have a good temper and are thoughtful, everyone knows and appreciates this, but Xiao Yang is naturally irritable, and he forgets everything when his temper comes up, and when his temper passes, the world will be peaceful." You are a careful person who knows how to look at problems from the perspective of uniting colleagues and doing a good job, how can you be as knowledgeable as his violent nature? Xiao Chen's face turned red as he said this.

This is a classic example of resolving a dispute by emphasizing the differences between the parties. The principal did not directly criticize Xiao Yang, but repeatedly emphasized that Xiao Chen had a good temper and Xiao Yang had a short temper, which was actually by comparing the two people's completely different personalities to affirm that Xiao Chen's way of dealing with people was correct. Xiao Chen understood the meaning of the principal, and naturally he would not worry about Xiao Yang anymore.

● Focus on breaking through one side

This method refers to cooperating with the more accessible party to unravel the psychological knots of the more stubborn party and dispel their grievances through appropriate methods. Among the two sides that have contradictions, there are often situations where one party is easier to speak and the other party is more stubborn, and often because the stubborn party insists on its own views and refuses to tolerate it, the two sides are in an embarrassing situation. At this time, the persuader should grasp the main aspect of the contradiction, take advantage of the psychology of the more accessible party to reconcile and actively cooperate with it, and mainly work on the stubborn side, as long as his psychological knots are solved, the problem will be solved.

In 1943, the leaders of the former Soviet Union, the United States, and Britain met in Tehran. Stalin was serious, cold, and taciturn. Roosevelt tried by all means to break Stalin's silence, but three days passed without progress. On the fourth day, he decided to adopt a new tactic. He first said to Churchill in secret: "Winston, in a moment I am going to do something that may not have anything to do with you and offend you, and I hope you will not be annoyed." ”

Roosevelt first had a one-on-one conversation with Stalin, which seemed to be friendly and opportunistic, which led to the presence of other former Soviet people. There was still no smile on Stalin's face. At this time, Roosevelt covered the corners of his mouth with his hand and whispered, "Winston is a little strange this morning, he goes from one end of the bed to the other, and I don't know what he does." At this time, Stalin's eyes showed a slight smile. Later, as they sat down at the conference table, Roosevelt attacked Churchill and made fun of him with a series of boring remarks about his English gentlemanly demeanor, his big cigar, his odd movements, and all sorts of jokes about John Bull. Stalin began to move, but Churchill's face was flushed and glaring. The more annoyed he became, the more ridiculous Stalin became. In the end, Stalin finally couldn't help laughing. Roosevelt went on until everyone laughed merrily with Stalin. After that, Stalin called Roosevelt "Uncle Joseph", often smiled at him, and often took the initiative to shake his hand.

In this case, Stalin's arrogance and stubbornness caused a stalemate in the negotiations, hindering the smooth flow of the meeting, while Churchill was relatively easy to get along with. In this case, Roosevelt seized on Stalin's "main contradiction", hinted at Churchill in advance, and then made some good-natured jokes to Churchill, which catered to Stalin's psychology and made him quickly break his silence, the atmosphere immediately became relaxed, and the awkward situation ended there, and the talks made progress.

● Humorous serious questions

This approach refers to the use of clever methods to transform serious points of dispute into humorous forms when the two sides are at a stalemate, as a way to lighten the atmosphere and create a turnaround. If the parties to a dispute are arguing with each other over a serious issue, the pressure of the seriousness of the issue tends to deepen their mutual hostility and encourage them to be more assertive and uncompromising. In order to break this stalemate, the mediator should adopt clever methods to transform serious points of dispute into humorous forms, so that the psychological pressure on both sides can be relieved, the atmosphere becomes relaxed, and the solution of the problem is turned around.

In 1972, U.S. President Richard Nixon visited the former Soviet Union. Once, when I was getting on a plane at a Soviet airport and preparing to take off, suddenly one of the engines could not start. At this time, Brezhnev, who was present, was anxious and annoyed, pointed to the Minister of Civil Aviation and asked Nixon: "How should I deal with him?" Nixon said, "Lift him up." Because it's better to find faults on the ground than in the air. ”

Whether Nixon was out of ridicule of Brezhnev or out of rejoicing, this little humor was still quite cleverly conceived, and the idea was open and flexible. This at least gave Nixon the impression of being cheerful and optimistic, and it could also ease the tense and embarrassing atmosphere at that time.

● Fuzzy resolution

The main reason why the conflict intensifies because of a dispute between colleagues or between superiors and subordinates over a trivial matter is not because the two sides of the dispute think how right they are and must defend the "truth", but because in order to save their own face, they have to try to overwhelm each other to achieve balance, and this is obviously extremely difficult. Then, as a mediator, there is no need to indicate who is right and who is wrong at this time, so as not to further exacerbate the conflict, but only to give a vague solution, so that both sides of the dispute have steps down.

Two middle-level supervisors have been acting abnormally recently, and the relationship between the two parties has deteriorated, so the company manager called the two of them and moved them with affection: "The two of you are like the two wheels of a car, as long as one of them is separated, the whole car will not be able to move." I hope you will work together to do a better job. ”

The two middle-level supervisors lacked the consciousness of what they should do as assistants to the general manager, and lacked the concept that the company was a game of chess. So the manager used the metaphor of the assistant to illustrate: "The function of the department is like a housewife, if the housewife can do her best to make the house good, the head of the household can settle down in the company and start a career." ”

The manager didn't tell who was right and who was wrong, but simply gave a solution of "going their separate ways", so that both of them had a good reason to turn around and find a step down. In this way, the dispute between the two was resolved "unclearly".

● Euphemism and persuasion

For both sides of the dispute, interests are important, and face should not be taken lightly, and everyone aspires to become a strong person who impresses others. But for the mediator, who is strong and who is weak is not the most important, the most important thing is that everyone can turn hostility into friendship and devote their efforts to the common cause. In order to reconcile the relationship between the parties, the mediator may not directly criticize or affirm either party, but only use humorous expressions that are full of humor and euphemism to express his or her tendencies or painstaking feelings.

One day, Emperor Qianlong, accompanied by the new prime minister and the veteran of the Three Dynasties, Liu Yong, toured the mountains and enjoyed the scenery. Qianlong asked casually: "What is high, what is low, what is east, what is west?" The knowledgeable Liu Yong responded casually: "The gentleman is high, the courtier is low, the text is in the east and the martial arts is in the west!" He Shen was very unhappy when he saw Liu Yong in front of him, and immediately ridiculed each other: "The sky is the highest, the earth is the lowest, and the river (and) is flowing in the east (Liu) is in the west!" Because in the royal etiquette at that time, the top was the east and the bottom was the west, which implied: No matter how old and capable you Liu Yong are, you are still under me and Shen.

Liu Yong knew He Shen's intentions, and he was extremely dissatisfied. When the three of them came to the bridge, Qianlong asked each of them to take water as the theme, break down a word, say a common saying, and make a poem. Liu Yong opened his mouth and came: "If there is water, I will read the stream, and if there is no water, I will also read Xi, and the single Xiluo bird will become a chicken (traditional Chinese is "鷄"). The fox that gets food is as happy as a tiger, and the phoenix that falls is not as good as a chicken. "Listen to Heshen, okay! The old guy scolded me for being a chicken! How can you spare him: "If there is water, you will miss Xiang, and if there is no water, you will still think of your face, and the rain and dew will be frost." Everyone sweeps the snow in front of the door, and does not care about the frost on the tiles of others! "It means to warn Liu Yong, give me some attention! Qianlong heard the discord between the old and the new, and the discord between the two was detrimental to the cause of the Qing Dynasty! So, he pulled one person in one hand, faced the three figures reflected in the lake and said: "The two Aiqing listened, and the lonely family also said to each other: 'If there is water, you will miss Qing, and if you don't have water, you will have love in your heart. Don't look at the face of the monk to see the face of the Buddha, don't look at the loneliness to see the water situation. When the two heard this, their hearts were shocked, and they immediately bowed to Qianlong and shook hands in front of the emperor.

In front of the emperor, Liu Yong and He Shen both longed to become a strong man and become the emperor's most appreciated person, so they showed their talents, belittled each other, and made a lot of disunity. Therefore, Qianlong deliberately recited a poem, and used poetry to implicitly convey his wish for reconciliation between the two, avoiding harm to both sides, and received good results.

●Demonstrate the talents of one side

In daily work, the boss reuses a subordinate, of course, the main value is his real talent, but this does not mean that his subordinates also see it this way, especially some subordinates who are self-confident or jealous, often think that the boss reuses the person because of some reason "complicated" personal likes and dislikes, so they do not cooperate in the work, which leads to various disputes. In this case, the boss should try to avoid showing his or her emotional likes and dislikes (although such likes and dislikes are inevitable and natural), and should provide tangible evidence to prove the performance and talents of the reused, so that the disputant is convinced and has nothing to say in front of the facts.

In the twenty-second year of Jian'an, Cao Cao and Sun Quan retreated after the battle of Misu. Sun Quan left the general Zhou Tai as the chief general of the town to guard the wet beard. At that time, Zhu Ran, Xu Sheng, and others who were assigned to Zhou Tai's command were all famous families in Jiangdong, and they were very unconvinced that this person from a poor family would command him. After Sun Quan learned about it, in the name of inspection, he came to the wet beard and invited the generals to a banquet. During the banquet, he took advantage of the fact that everyone was drunk and hot, so that Zhou Tai revealed the scars on his body. Sun Quan pointed to one place and asked another, and Zhou Taiyi answered one by one in which battle he was left behind. In the end, Sun Quan took his hand and said with tears in his eyes: "You are as brave as a tiger and a leopard in battle, and you have been injured dozens of times at the risk of your own safety, how can I not treat you like a brother and entrust you with a heavy responsibility?" ”

Since then, Zhu Ran, Xu Sheng and other talents have been convinced to obey Zhou Tai's orders.

In this case, Sun Quan skillfully used the method of "showing the talent of one party" to resolve the dispute. He did not criticize Zhu Ran, Xu Sheng and others for disobeying the command to avoid them from having a greater misunderstanding, but at the appropriate time let Zhou Tai show the scars on his body to show that he valued Zhou Tai precisely because of this. In the face of the bravery and exploits recorded by Zhou Tai, Zhu Ran, Xu Sheng and others could not help but be convinced, and the dispute between the generals was resolved.