I stared at the cockroach in my hand for a long time, and suddenly smiled.

All my life, I have been thinking about others, and I have always pursued fairness, and I have made fairness my creed in life.

But who in the world has thought about me?

I hold this scale in my heart to face the whole world, but I am constantly being shaken and tilted by others.

When everyone introduced me, they said that I was a well-known "female" lawyer in Chengdu, and I really hated that title.

I want equality, not preferentiality.

I'm a lawyer, so why do I have to emphasize that I'm a "woman" lawyer, whether I'm famous or not? I just want to be like other lawyers, I want them to see the ability to work, not the gender.

But......

None of these things matter now.

I just want to drink some water right now, and I want to eat something sweet and salty.

My gums were bleeding all the time and they couldn't be stopped.

I'm probably going to die......

You said...... Has anyone died in this room?

Why are there so many scratches on the walls?

I didn't carve the scratches, but they were still clear, did anyone ever live here?

The next night, the horse butcher reappeared.

This time, he probably couldn't stand the smell of my body, so he specially pulled a water pipe.

After he opened the door, he sprayed water on my body without saying a word, and he recorded the whole process with his phone.

Yes, I'm like a pig.

I remember that this was how they butchers took water guns and washed the pigs' bodies.

Now I don't have any dignity or personality, just a pig to be slaughtered.

Can you kill me?

He washed me for about ten minutes, and most of the dirt and mud on my body was washed away.

Although I am like a pig, I have to say that I feel much more comfortable now than before, at least I am a little cleaner.

As a human being...... At least make sure you're clean, right?

I lay on the ground helpless, waiting for the horse butcher's "good fortune".

This absurd life is so ridiculous, my life is no different from the pigs in his pigsty.

No...... To be precise, it is cheaper to raise me than to raise pigs.

I only need three dollars a day to live, but not pigs.

Pigs have to be raised to be fat to sell for money, but I don't need to.

As long as I have one breath left, I am still a living woman, and I will still be useful to him.

As the horse butcher lay on top of me panting, I said with all my strength: "I can promise anything...... Can you let me ......? ”

"Let you go...... It won't work......" he replied, gasping, "at least you'll have to be locked up for a few years...... Wait until the cops can't find you......"

Years......?

Did I hear it wrong?

There are 365 days in a year, right?

I'm going to die after only twenty days here.

How many more years am I going to be here?

"I'm going to die......" I couldn't even shed tears, only my voice was choked, "you left me here...... I'm going to die...... Don't you want me to be your mother-in-law? What if I'm going to die......? ”

"You're my mother-in-law now!!" He said vigorously, "It doesn't matter if you die, give birth to a doll to Lao Tzu before you die, and let you die if you give birth to a male doll." ”

Such a life.

It's exactly what I imagined when I was a kid.

"I promise...... I promise you to have a baby......" I cried, "can you let me out......"

"Don't dream, I'll take you out when you give birth to a baby!"

Watching him do dirty things on his own, I felt completely hopeless.

He really wanted me dead.

I slowly put my arms around his neck, opened my mouth hard, and bit directly into his artery while he got carried away.

I want to kill him.

But I overestimated myself, and I had no strength at all.

I just bit him, leaving deep tooth marks, and I could even feel my teeth loosening, but I still couldn't bite his throat.

He also stood up with a wail and began punching and kicking me.

I could clearly feel his feet kicking me in the stomach all the time, but I couldn't stop it.

I'm definitely going to get hurt, and my guts and bones are going to hurt in this defenseless situation.

They would have exacerbated my death.

The next day, I couldn't even get up, so I had to move around the ground with difficulty.

I've been coughing up blood all the time.

Yesterday the horse butcher sprinkled the ground with water, but there was no drain.

All sorts of excrement and dirt on the ground mixed in the water, soaked in moldy hay, and the summer of July was filled with a devastating smell.

And me?

I couldn't stand up, I was swimming in the sewage.

All the dirt is all over me, and now I am a pig wallowing in mud soup.

I kept groping in the sewage, looking for water and food for today.

"Laidi, if you go to the city in the future, go to the police station to change your name as soon as possible."

A voice sounded in my ears, it was my enlightenment light, my teacher, she had a different name from all the girls in the village, she was not called Lai Di, Zhao Di, Pan Di, nor Erni or Sanni, her name was Ning Wan'er.

That year, she and I were standing in front of the lake at the head of the village and watching the sunrise.

"Why?" I asked.

"You're good, but the name will get you in a lot of trouble." She sighed and said, "I hope you can live a better life, don't be stuck here for the rest of your life, you can choose your own life." ”

At that time, I didn't know why, I was born inferior, and I could choose my own life?

"But I'm ...... What's the name? ”

"It's good if you like it, the name is used to bless your own life, not to bless someone else's life." The teacher coughed a few times and continued, "I hope you can be like this lake in the morning, others grant you a trace of warmth, and you will reflect the dazzling sun, even if your bottom is dark and cold, but you will repay the tenderness of this world like ripples." ”

At that time, I couldn't understand the teacher's words at all, but I saw that she was getting haggard day by day.

An early morning lake?

Thinking about it now, she must have been sick at that time.

Is she okay? Is she healed?

Is she alive and healthy?

When I was a child, I never thought of leaving my teacher's contact information, so after so many years, I never found her.

"Laidi, I've heard a legend." The teacher looked at the lake and smiled indifferently at me, "Everything in this world will live in other forms after it dies." ”

"What does that mean?"

"If I die one day, I may become a grass, a tree, a bird, or a grass insect."

I felt that what the teacher said was very profound, but it was funny.

Other words...... Won't all the people in this world die?

If they die, they will become something else and live forever in another form in this world.

That sounds like a fair one.

"I hope the teacher never dies." I said to her.

"Why?"

"Because no one in the world has been so nice to me." I looked into her eyes and felt as if she wanted to cry, "Teacher, even if you want to become a bird, a grass worm, or a rock, I don't want you to die." ”

"Then the teacher knows." She laughed.

Teacher Ning said that she was leaving in three days, but the next day she was gone.

I guess there must be something in a hurry, so I went back to the city early.