"Brother Yuan, I'm so tired of living, you may think it's ridiculous to say this in front of you, but I've been in my heart for more than ten years, and I've been so tired since I was sensible. ”

"Everyone has experienced something, other people's opinions of you don't matter much, you feel tired, there is no need to pretend in front of others, after a long time, it will really rot in your heart. ”

I think back to how inferior I was when I transferred from junior high school to a big city, and how much I longed for the city when I used to live in the countryside.

As a left-behind child since I was a child, I matured early, and I kept many things in my heart and didn't say anything about them. There are always some people around you who praise you, this kid is so sensible and obedient.

Over time, your parents' idea that you should be sensible is deeply rooted in your heart, and one day you do something that is normal in the eyes of others, but in their eyes, you are wrong, just because you have to be sensible.

Yes, I want to be sensible, so when I went from junior high school to a big city, I was sent to a boarding school, the so-called aristocratic school in the eyes of rural people, only a tuition fee of nearly 10,000 yuan a semester.

My parents paid me to get there to save me money, and they could leave me alone.

I thought that when I went to the city, I would be able to be with them and feel the love of my father and mother that I had always envied, but the result was always disappointing.

In school, everyone else is very good, and my low self-esteem can't help me, so I can only pretend to be presentable.

"Brother Yuan, I still feel that I am happiest when I am in the countryside since I was a child, and I have not been really happy since I was twelve years old when I came to the city.

They have always cared about things, not me, such as studying, taking a vacation once a month, they will not ask me how I am doing at school, whether I have been bullied, and always ask whether I have exams and how many exams. ”

The tears that flowed inadvertently from the corners of my eyes, the lapping of the cold wind in the night, and the burning of my face after drinking, fought with each other, and I lit a cigarette again.

"Brother Yuan, in fact, all I want is so much concern, but it is out of reach, too far.

Gradually, I became the sensible child in their eyes, and in high school, other people's parents gave encouragement, and I could only silently regard all the pain as the motivation to be happy in the future. ”

"When I got to college, I ran a long way and I thought I was going to be happy, you know in the beginning, I was usually the only one in the dorm room on the weekends, and they asked my parents for money to go out, and I never dared to ask for it, I knew what was going on at home. ”

I think of those days, alone in the dormitory, writing all the loneliness on paper, looking at the empty dormitory and I alone, lonely and uncomfortable.

"Really, I didn't know what to do, until I met Tang Xi, I felt happy again, the time we spent together, I submitted online to get the manuscript fee, relying on the money I earned, and went out with Tang Xi, I felt that my life had meaning. ”

I wiped the tears from my face, I thought that if there was no Tang Xi, probably I would really have graduated and found a stable job, and then found someone in a city to marry.

Staying in that city for the rest of my life, that's not what I want, I've always felt that this life, I've been in one place all my life, and I've never been outside, that's not life.

Brother Yuan comforted me, his fingers tapping on the wine bottle: "I used to be very confused during that time, and when I learned that everything was just a scam, I was hurt and my heart died.

I understand your feelings, that powerlessness, that some things are always imperfect, but it's these things that make you grow and make you remember, aren't they?"

Brother Yuan suddenly laughed, he got up and threw the wine bottle in the trash can next to him, opened his mobile phone, and took a photo, I don't know if he is still in the mood to take a picture of me at this time.

"Now should be the most helpless time in your life, remember, now, in the future, when you are uncomfortable, look at this photo, life has to go on, right?"

"I have never thought about it, in this life, many things have not been experienced, so dead, what a pity, those who commit suicide, not for others, but also for themselves, how many people have I met in this life, how many things have I encountered, have you ever been satisfied?"

"Yes, life is short. ”

"But I'm still uncomfortable here. I pointed to my heart and hammered it against my chest.

"I haven't lived enough, but I'm really tired of living, but I still want to live, maybe this is cheap.

It's like Tang Xi, there are too many problems between me and her, and we all tacitly put these problems aside, but in the end, all the problems accumulate together, and it becomes a breakthrough, and no one is willing to retreat. ”

"Maybe you should go out for a walk, think about it, think about how to solve these things, and you can only rely on yourself, and go out for a walk. ”

"Hmm. ”

"If you have difficulty telling me, you have to treat me as a brother, if you are unhappy, tell your brother, brother is here, you can keep talking. ”

"I want to go to her, she's alone in this strange city, she should ......"

Brother Yuan interrupted me: "You let her calm down alone, think about it, both of them calm down, you go to her now, nothing can be solved." ”

Brother Yuan sent me back and sent me upstairs, Du Yuan opened the door and helped me in, I didn't dare to look at Du Yuan.

I don't know how to deal with her at this time, things are always going in a bad direction, and no one thought it would be like this.

I lay on the bed: "You go back to sleep, leave me alone." ”

Du Yuan listened to me and walked out, and the moment she closed the door, she said to me through the crack in the door: "If I have caused you trouble, I can leave tomorrow, disappear from your life, and not disturb you." ”

I waved my hand: "These things have nothing to do with you, even without you, we will quarrel and have conflicts over other things, you don't need to blame yourself." ”

I persuaded Du Yuan to go back, I didn't expect that I would comfort Du Yuan, after all, I am the person who needs comfort the most now.

In fact, this matter has a certain relationship with Du Yuan, without Du Yuan, Tang Xi and I still have room for redemption, probably now I say that Tang Xi will not listen to anything, this time the quarrel between us is different from any in the past.

I fell asleep, and in my dream I dreamed that Sister Xiang called me and said that Tang Xi could not be contacted, was there an accident.

Frightened, I woke up from my dream, I turned on my phone and sent Tang Xi WeChat.

"Promise me, no matter what, let me be able to contact you, okay, don't not reply to my messages, then I will be very worried, even if it is not possible, I don't want you to be sad, because I am the one who blames myself, and I am the one who is wrong. ”

"Hmm!"

Tang Xi quickly replied to me with a message, just one word, it's so late, she hasn't slept yet, I think I can't make up for the damage I brought her.

I thought that I would look at the stars, take them in my eyes, hide them in my heart, and one day, she will see the whole galaxy in my heart through my eyes.

Now, it was as if I had swallowed all the stars, and she was seeing the bottomless abyss. We are at opposite ends of the abyss, and the culprit is myself.