What should I do, it's been raining lately, staying in the house can't think of the result, in the evening I went out to wander again, the narrow road is green, the landscape trees on both sides bend to the middle, almost covering the entire sky, naturally small raindrops can't come down, but the rain will accumulate along the leaves into a big raindrop, cold hit the head more violently, and then soak the hair. I lowered my head and pulled up the corners of my trousers, although the rain was light, it seemed that the low parts of the road had begun to accumulate water, and some sections of the road were muddy, which reminded me of when I was a child, in my hometown, many children wore sandals or cloth shoes made by their mothers during this season, and when it rained or simply went barefoot. The partners have experienced a lot of past events together, which have faded and forgotten in their hearts, and most of the friends after them are living in the present and the future, and they rarely say what they think when they talk. There were a lot fewer pedestrians, a car came and went, the horn was constantly sounding, the lights were very dazzling, I could see the rain line clearly, it was not small, thinking that as long as I didn't catch a cold, my clothes would be cool and dry anyway. I can't stop, there are few eaves to shelter from the rain, and if it's a hot day, there are a lot of people sitting on the steps on the side of the road, but not now. There are a lot of small shops on the side of the road, the businessmen are busy closing, these shops are on the ground floor of the high-rise, the middle is separated, the business and cooking are done below, and the upper bunks are sleeping. In fact, I envy their kind of life very much, renting or their own stores, most of them are run by husband and wife, and they are harmonious.

I think of family, but do people like me deserve to have it? I saw the scene before my eyes: a homeless man, with his hair draped and wearing bad shoes, this kind of person really lives under the bridge, some big garbage cans in some neighborhoods or have the daily necessities he needs, a few children kicking football with mineral water bottles, I looked at it and walked away. The repairman is listless, the shopkeeper gnaws on sugar cane, and I'm ...... walking dead. I heard a squeaky sound behind me, and I remembered riding a rusty bicycle when I was a kid to see if there was anyone, and then I remembered that I had just passed by a street lamp and was shaken by the strong wind. What's even more terrifying is that there is a round leaf, rolling forward, the power of nature is really terrifying, and it is ...... to think of embattled.

Life only makes fun of me, you see, isn't that coming?

A college student recently moved in next door. The landlord's aunt told me that the young man was a bit of a laid-eye, so don't get too close. She kindly reminded me that I didn't take it seriously, because when the boy approached, I couldn't find a good reason to refuse, and sometimes listening to him brag also added a little fun to my life, and I wondered if he could help me find a job. The boy's father is a section chief in a local bureau, the only child is pampered, he is just a sophomore this year, and the family has arranged for him to intern in a company on the school side, and the money he earns every month is enough to spend on himself, and the family does not expect him to save money, and the house used for marriage has been bought. Children with family backgrounds in the city are really happy, and when they get their graduation certificates, they will have both diplomas and work experience. In addition, my desire to have a significant other had already been fulfilled in that boy. The young man was not handsome, just white, and in just two months I saw him take two different girls into this room.

From the first time he spoke to me, less than a week, he thought he knew me very well, asked me to borrow ten yuan, I don't understand that he was embarrassed to open his mouth, after a few days he didn't pay me back, I was embarrassed to ask for it, in addition to glad that the loan was not twenty or ten, I was also very filthy and immoral peeping into a little of his privacy.

That night when I turned off the TV and got ready to go to bed, they came back and I heard their conversation, they turned on the TV, then the squeak of the bed, the volume of the TV was deliberately amplified, then the two of them talking, and the sound of the two of them going to the bathroom to take a shower together.

Of course I knew what was going on next door, and the next night I also lay in bed early and waited for the show, but it was quiet next door, and I was disappointed, and the third night was like this, I fell asleep while waiting, and on the fourth night I couldn't calm down for a long time, and was always repenting, and finally sat up in shame, got dressed, and went out. The pedestrians on the road did not know me, and if the businessman in the roadside shop had paid a little attention, he would have seen a young man passing by often, sometimes for a walk, sometimes in a hurry. When I'm in a terrible mood, people will rush home and get stuck in bed, but I've just gotten out of bed.

I thought of this college student, and then I thought of Shi Fei, and Wei Li, plus the young man I saw next to the computer when I went to Sister Wang's that day, what is the difference between me and them, they both have jobs, and I used to have them, but I hate it, am I more long-term than they think? I want to find another way, I lost my job, and I don't have any real talent to learn, I have always wanted to find a way to do both, go to school is to learn knowledge, go to work is to make money, and I spend a long time hanging out outside, broaden my horizons, cultivate sentiment slowly dominate me, out of the normal track. After leaving the job, he still wanted to write while idle, but in the end, none of them were realized.

There is still some money in the bank card, and at this time the price of digital products has been dropping, I am obsessed with stealing, and I decided to buy a computer, and it is so easy to spend money, the reason is that I don't want to close myself, and the second is that I still want to learn some knowledge, and I think of the term online dating. The next weekend I went to the digital market, and after the store was in charge of delivery, it was an uncle who drove a charging tricycle, and he was also responsible for connecting the wire to ensure that the startup was successful, I was ashamed, thinking that a staff member would come. After he left, I happily considered where to put it, in fact, in this small space, the position of the bed could not be moved, where to lean by the window, where not to block the door, moved around, until midnight, or according to the original idea, put it at the foot of the bed, the bed and computer chair. In the process of moving, I thoroughly cleaned the room, and in the corner of the wall under the bed, without moving the bed out of sight, it was a windfall to pick up a few coins. Lying in bed and thinking about it can be regarded as a small wish, I used to think about working outside and renting a room, not need a big one, make a bed, put a TV opposite, watch it for a while and sleep. Rural families have a maximum of one TV per family, which is also placed in the living room, if it is turned on for a long time, adults will feel distressed about electricity, and some TVs will also be broken, and people will be scolded by others when they become addicted to watching TV. I still want to watch TV and want to sleep, which is a contradiction, but with the development of science and technology, this problem has been solved, you can support the mobile phone above the lying face, and you can also set a time to turn on and off. I fell asleep with such a cranky thought.

I've heard of it, and I've believed in online dating, I'm eager to find a confidant from thousands of netizens, ready for the exchange of hearts, as for the payment of contact information, I can understand, but the first time I felt cheated, the girl was very direct, invited me to a coffee house in the city to sit, the place is far away and the consumption is high, I don't dare to bet, I found an excuse to sneak away.

I walked to a city square, sat down on a bench, and the phone rang, and there was a woman, with a very sweet voice. I was very happy to answer, and the girl said that she saw the registration on the dating network, and in addition to her name and age, she wanted to confirm the basic information. I've been deceived once, but I'm not the kind of person who swears, so I didn't hang up the phone right away and follow the woman's words.

"Oh yes, I've dated one now"

"Is that what we offered? Or was it introduced by someone else?"

"It was introduced by a friend"

"Oh, well, I wish you happiness. ”

The other party hung up the phone, I wanted to talk to her more, but the other party was also kind, didn't pester me more, and couldn't say that if I needed to contact her.

Knowing that the online world is fictional, and I still want to try my luck, a girl took the initiative to add me one night, the screen name is Die'er, we introduced each other's personal information, she sent a photo, makeup is very beautiful (it should be a photo used when I got married, I didn't expect it at the time), I was without makeup, I thought there was a woman like me who longed for love not far away. She said that she usually likes to read, and I miss her even more. Of course, I can't talk about love at the beginning, after chatting for a few days, she said that she felt that I was a good person, and I took the opportunity to say if I could develop into a boyfriend and girlfriend, and she said that it was fate, but I was already in love and controlled my emotions. I gave her my phone number, and she actually called, and the sound I liked. She spoke in an unnatural tone, which I understood as excitement rather than dodging.

Once I said that I was sick to my stomach, I asked her what was wrong, and she said that the eldest aunt came. I gasped, such a normal answer, and made me think about it, I was silent for a while, she was still listening, I thought she was also bored to pass the time, so I got bold and said that when I chatted with her, my body also reacted, she smiled and said that it was normal, she was not angry, it was good that she didn't scold me, and I also said that the classmate next door often brought his girlfriend back, and my heart was full of lewd thoughts at that time.

People who fall in love will always have this feeling, a few nights of sleepless nights, a trance during the day, wondering if the lover is also feeling this way, willing to endure that sweet distress, and I have also experienced the joy of the two. During that time I became a completely happy poet, imagining the feeling of snuggling up to each other, which I could feel during the conversation. For the first time, I experienced longing. The first time I heard sweet talk, even though it was fake.

"You said you don't believe in the appearance of love in reality, how I want to tell you that you have bumped into your own happiness, you come over quickly, we live together. ”

"I'm a bit busy with this job, and I still have one year left on the contract, can you wait for me, I hope you will come and pick me up in a year. ”

"Don't think I'm so great, I'm just an ordinary person, and I won't wait for the little dragon girl like Yang Guo. ”

That night, I quoted a poem in my space, "Jun asks about the return date, Bashan night rain rises in the autumn pool", she immediately left me a message to ask what it means, and I replied, "About you, you go to comprehend, if you don't understand, you can Baidu." ”

The longing was so strong that I kept pushing her, and then I kept thinking that if I didn't do that, God could change her experience. A month later, a man's voice came from the other end of the phone, claiming to be her husband. She often complained that he spent too little time with her, their children were five years old, and recently found that something was wrong with his wife, and found out her chat, and now he decided not to do the work of a contractor, and is ready to rent two storefront rooms to do business. That's when I learned about her situation, she often quarreled with her husband, and even messed around.

I finally knew the specific reason why she made me wait for a year, which was to perfunctory me and find someone to relieve my loneliness. Hanging up the phone, I gritted my teeth, tears flowed out, how I believed that this was a dream, and that this taste of happiness could last for a few more days. If she started to explain that she was just arguing and confided in me, I would have reasoned with her, but she lied to me, she let me unconsciously play a third party, she was married, the children were five years old, she also said that she wanted me to go to her hometown to pick her up, I was afraid of falling for me, it was really ridiculous, the poor person was me! I was still thinking about ending my single life this year, but at the same time it was the biggest disappointment. If I don't rush to talk to her slowly, if she really falls in love with me, and is ashamed of her husband, and then deals with the divorce, and really comes to live with me, and I keep saying that I hope love appears, and what is the true love I longing for? Someone only loves one person in his life, whether the other party is his other half or not, can I do it for whom? I even want to accept such a test once.

I walked alone to the river and sat down, thinking that the past would be quiet and quiet, and that the past would never go back like flowing water, and if the previous events were reduced to a person's life, I would not close my eyes with satisfaction now, and the panic of my adolescence, my deep consideration, would I get such a result? What should I do with the next road, and then drag my tired body to work? What does night and day have to do with me? Like a fallen leaf floating on the water, wandering, I can't help myself, I think it is better to encounter a torrent! I accidentally saw other couples talking about love, breaking up pictures, did God let me exist, just to make me a witness? I want to get rid of my troubles, end my life, and leave a mystery to the outside world tonight, whether I fall into the water or throw myself into the water, as long as I feel uncomfortable for a while, this world, let me breathe a few more breaths of air! But, but can I really sink down? Or will I float on it and die? I hesitate, and this hesitation includes that I didn't throw my phone down first, I didn't take off my clothes and throw it down first, probably because I didn't have the determination to die.

At this time, the mobile phone vibrate, the ringtone is ringing, the person on the other end is so persistent, including the thoughts that flashed in my mind, since this number can still be connected, I still answered, it was Weili calling, he said he was in the hospital, I lightly described my experience, "Since you are still in this city, then come and help." ”

I took a taxi to the hospital and quickly found the ward and saw Willy lying on the bed, his right arm was fixed and thickly wrapped.

It turned out that when he worked overtime to help in the workshop, he was smashed by a set of molds and broke his arm, which was three days ago. The doctor said that a few nights ago, I had to be accompanied by a family member, and my aunt had been here for two nights, and now she wanted me to replace her.

"Before I knew it, two days had passed. I opened my eyes and looked at the snow-white ceiling, and with a sweep of my gaze, I went around the snow-white walls, and the snow-white sheets and quilt covers around my body, and I began to dream, superimposing dreams. When I woke up for the first time, I was very grateful, fortunately it was a dream, and I could fiddle with my dexterous hands, but I had to wake up again, this is the reality. ”

"Don't think about it, in fact, I have thought a lot, or let the doctor give you some hypnotic drugs, now all you need to do is stay up, you can move your other hand, I will get you a few books to read later." "What books was I thinking about, inspirational books for the disabled? What would he think, would he be like Shi Tiesheng, thinking about life and death for days on end. I encouraged him to use his left hand more.

"My mother was terrified, I was so sorry for her, I even thought about dying. It's hard to have no relatives here, and if you don't have you, it's just my mom who stays up late every day. ”

"What are you thinking? You want to be happier than me, you know? I am not familiar with life, alone, I know what the old man thinks, I have the same feelings as you, the old man hopes that we will become a family as soon as possible, while I can still move, I also want to be able to help take care of the baby!"

"Let's eat the fruit. Yesterday my colleagues in the company sent a fruit basket, I am really grateful, I used to think that they were inconspicuous, only know how to spend time and drink, not affectionate, but now it seems that I am narrow-minded. ”

I brought the peeled banana to his mouth, and for the first time I carefully observed a person's face, in addition to the dense stubble, the deep eyes were also eye-catching, and for the first time, I opened the door and asked him what was on his mind at the moment, and he also liked nostalgia. I said that I was learning a kind of ability to love others, I had not taken care of others before, life was meaningful, I thought if it was me who was lying on the hospital bed, what would it be like, and who would take care of me? During this time, I was also recuperating psychologically, and my body, which looked healthy on the outside, was actually much weaker.

We talked about the company, and Wiley said that after I left, another colleague also left. He also said that not long ago, there was a traffic accident near the staff dormitory, and a security guard uncle in the hospital was hit and killed.

"Ah, which one is it?" My worst fear happened, and according to the characteristics described by Weyley, it was Uncle Wang.

"I really didn't expect that uncle is very good, he will also repair the lock and change the zipper, it's a pity, I have had a few conversations with him, and I still remember some of the truths he said. But when it comes to reasoning, does this society still need to be reasonable? Only the old people will speak, but no young people will really listen, and if they do, it will be great. I also understand the truth, in fact, a person's dream will always come true, no need to think about it at all, if you don't reach it means that you don't think so at all, an old man sighs in a lonely house about the unfortunate life, which means that he wasted his time when he was young, wanted to live a good life but was lazy to act, and he had explained everything at the moment when he got up late in the morning. ”

"What do you say people live for, and do you want to get married and have children in the end when you fall in love? Do the next generation enter the cycle again? If you don't get married, no matter how well two people talk well, is it a waste of your youth? My mother wants me to get married early, she wants to take care of the children for me, and she says that while she is still alive, I want to discuss with her the difference between young people and old people. I even thought about not getting married, but I was ashamed of my mom and didn't leave a child. Do you still have hope with that girl in Wuhan? Actually, I also talked about it, do you think that I spend my time at home watching TV every day? I also wasted a long time on a girl. I'll tell you about that girl, after this disaster, I guess I'm going to have to change my life, and I've been holding it in my heart before. ”

"Okay, tell me about it. ”

"I have a distant cousin, introduced me to a girl from their hometown, from Guangxi, but not next to Guangdong, that place is also quite backward, I thought about the word fate at first, I went to his house, her parents were quite satisfied with me, the young man is more honest, has a proper job. She came here with me, she was not shy, she was very strong, I knew an intermediary friend to help her find a job, she was unwilling, said that she worked for a few years or so, she found a job as a teacher. ”

"Is it so easy to be a teacher?"

"Yes, I thought that at first, saying that I didn't study well in school, and now it's not a mistake. In fact, it is a training institution, which runs classes for primary school students, and is also responsible for recruiting students, similar to sales, selling its own classes,"

"I've seen it, and I usually advertise, move desks at the school gate and distribute flyers when the holidays are approaching. Today's children are much more difficult to manage than we were then. “

"Maybe in the eyes of others, after meeting her parents, this matter is basically settled, and it is no problem to get married within a year, but we have very little time together, she is self-motivated, and she is good at studying, applying for adult institutions, reading professional books for two years, doing questions, and registering for exams. All of you want me to support her, but her income now exceeds mine, and she earns money, and she is not in a hurry to save money, and is willing to spend money on training. Not long ago, by the way, the boss set up an agency on the other side of the city and sent her over there to be the person in charge. ”

"I know, I understand you, the society encourages this kind of self-motivated youth, you and I are garbage, maybe what we want is just a plain life, in Xiaohua's view, how can young people say ordinary? There is no sense of worry, and there is no consideration of the cost of getting married, having children, and supporting children. ”

Xiaohua is not in a hurry to get married, I also called her parents and wanted to help do her work, but her parents said that they could not help me as she wanted, saying that the child was too old to take care of it. If you don't care about it, you will hold a grudge, she is not in a hurry to get married, and her mother is angry. I really can't stand it, on Christmas Eve that year, I bought two apples and nine bouquets of roses, took a tricycle to Xiaohua's downstairs, and asked her to accept them. She resolutely refused to accept it, and said that she thought we could be like-minded, but now I find that the difference between the two is too big, she has been running, but I have been walking.

One day at home, I heard my mom talking to my aunt on the phone.

"Where did Xiaoli and Xiaohua go, a few days ago Xiaohua and her father fell when he went to work in the field, I saw that Xiaohua came back, and I was still asking, but she didn't say anything. ”

"I don't know, Xiaoli, this kid doesn't talk much, and he doesn't tell me some things, it seems that he is a little cold to us over there. ”

"You have to take the initiative in this matter, I know that she hasn't looked for her in-laws yet, you see let Xiaoli come over and lie down, maybe there will be a turnaround in this matter. ”

"Okay, okay, I'll ask him to buy tickets, buy some gifts, you see what to buy, milk, eggs or something"

"It's worth buying some high-end gifts that are now popular in the city, and eggs and milk are not uncommon in the countryside now. ”

"Okay, I'll tell him ....... ”

Mom and aunt both know that Xiaohua is a good girl, and I also know that when I went to work the next day, my mother went to buy two boxes of gifts and said that I should take the train tomorrow to lie down.

"You're in a hurry, do we have anything for sale here?" I haven't taken any leave yet!" I was a little angry.

My mother was also angry and said it was all for my good. I relented and asked if I wanted to make a phone call, but my mother said to go directly, and I wouldn't let anyone go. The problem is that the ticket to that county is in the afternoon, and then transferred to his house in the evening, and it is not good to give gifts at night, so I still decided to go. I was very tired after getting off the train, and I wanted to find a hotel to stay in as soon as possible, but I forgot to bring my ID card, and the owner said that the check was strict, and I couldn't check in, and I needed to go to the local police station to do a temporary one. I asked for directions, but luckily it wasn't far, and decided to walk over. I called Xiaohua while walking, saying that I heard that her father had fallen and wanted to see him, but I didn't say that I had arrived in their county, Xiaohua said no, the family is a little busy now, there are several guests, I heard the noise over there, and immediately regretted it, I guess what kind of guest it is, today's rush may be a joke in the eyes of others. Hey, I'll tell you another little episode, I just wanted to sigh, and I found someone worse than me, and people like to find comfort in this way when they are sad. The police station has already passed the end of work, there is only one duty window, there is a disabled old man on the side of the road under the eaves of a bed, the old man **, I think he is very pitiful, patiently listened for a while, the old man told me about his experience: he liked to sing in the early years, to the square to sing, crowded places, attract people, when excited will twist Yangge. The woman of a local village official liked to listen to it, just listening, and wanted to learn from him, but the village official was arrogant, and felt that it was not good to show his face like this, so he took care of his mother-in-law and threatened the old man not to sing again in the future. I have loved this for so many years, how can I be given up by Weixie? Of course, the old man continued to sing, and the woman pursued her own freedom. Then the old man was beaten by the village official, one leg was lame, and he couldn't stand up the next day, and on the third day, the old man said that he was going to go to the superior to complain, and the news reached the village official, and he was not surprised, but showed his hideous face with satisfaction, and gave a few hundred yuan in a pretended manner, but the old man did not accept it, and wanted to sue in the court. His son is a strict wife, more than one thing is better than one less thing, now I see that my father has become a cripple, and I don't want to take care of it, saying that the person can't be provoked, and you don't have any evidence, the person who beat you doesn't admit it at all, let's not sue, don't toss, the old man said that it is now an era of peace, and he has to sue. The local court symbolically tried the case and compensated some medical expenses, but the old man was not satisfied and appealed, saying that he was incapacitated and had to pay child support, and he had to take care of my .......

I listened to his tragic experience, and even more decided not to go to Xiaohua's house, this kind of thing happened in this place, Xiaohua's parents must have wanted her to marry a rich and powerful family. It's better to be fulfilled yourself. I threw the two boxes of gifts to the old man with a disability and said goodbye in a hurry. Later, I told my mom not to mention Xiaohua again. ......”

When Weiley's story was finished, the two men were silent for a while.

"For three years, I also sigh for you. You don't stick to your own philosophy now, I still don't think you can pin your hopes on others, silence does not mean obedience, just as it takes courage to endure. Love doesn't have to be vigorous, and it would be a shame if a person spent several years and or more than once fell in love, if only the purpose of enriching the relationship was achieved. ”

After Weiley fell asleep that night, I lay on the folding bed next to me and remembered suicide. How easy it is to die, and how insignificant other troubles are in front of this, to have the courage to commit suicide, but not to face it, is that life is not easy. It's ridiculous to hear when we were kids that someone chose to end their own life, only to find out when we grow up that it's not that far away. Even if others misunderstand you, you have to live strong and peaceful, if you die, it is your loved ones who suffer, and you need faith to live, because a person, a thing, or a book, a piece of music can touch the soul more. At first, I was making sentences in primary school Chinese classes, and some related words were just casually talked about at the time, but now I often think about them. What is a person's life for, no one can explain this philosophical question, death is in a person's heart, and not meeting is equivalent to that person's death. And Uncle Wang is like this, if Wei Li doesn't say it, I will never think about it, what should I do now? Life is often like this, you just make up your mind that you want to do something seriously, but someone says that the ending is not good, you will collapse, we still hope for a good ending.

The next day, I walked out of the ward and walked back and forth in the hallway, in the corridor I smelled the strong smell of medicine, the corridor was full of anxious patients and their families, I had never been in a large hospital before, I had not seen crowds of patients, the special emergency room was even more shocking, and there were many misfortunes in society every day. There are a lot of poor people, and when I passed by a ward, a woman called me to come in and do a favor, she and her son were taking care of a man, the man was weak, only a faint voice, the woman put her ear to his mouth, and said that she wanted to change his body to lie on the left to the right, and it was still in the same position, but they couldn't move. She thanked me very much, and the man stared at me silently with tears in his eyes, as if he had something to say. That's when I realized the preciousness of freedom, he was already old, my son was still young, I learned a little bit about the situation, and when I left, I said, "Big brother, you will get better soon."

The hospital is also a school, and the door of another ward is also open, and people come in and out from time to time, and an old man seems to have become a vegetative person, and his children and grandchildren have come from all over the world to meet and reunite for a while. I felt the fragility of family and life, and in the convalescence room, there were still some people who visited the sick with ulterior motives.

In Weili's ward, I also heard about one thing, there was a safety accident in this factory, some ill-intentioned people didn't want to trivialize, and they also found a reporter from Life Radio to interview and write a report, and a magazine also came to join in the fun, saying that he wanted to write about him, and asked him if he wanted to pay more, but it could be seen that Weili didn't care about it, he felt that it was his own carelessness.

"Oh, I've heard of that magazine, I've heard about it since I was in middle school, and I'll tell you the truth, there were still classmates in my class at that time who submitted articles. "I didn't say I dreamed of being a writer.

"Really, do you want to, but I think you're a good fit for that. ”

"I can't write about it, and besides, I don't want to stay here, I'm in contact, maybe I'll be out of the city in two days. I didn't make it last time, I left my job and didn't think about the way back, I couldn't live there, so I went out to find a house, I also looked for a job, but it didn't go well, I have been idle for so long. ”

"I can't go far away, my mom wants to be here, I can't leave her alone. ”

"I'm still free, I want to learn a trade while I'm young. ”

On the day I left, unfortunately the computer didn't last long, and the second-hand was not worth a few dollars, so I entrusted it to Weiley's house, and he confiscated the money.

"Keep it for me, maybe I'll be back one day." ”