I have disappeared for so long, and the explanation given to Xiaoliu seems that I am too righteous and awe-inspiring. I said I saw someone stealing, then chased the thief, and then got stabbed a few times.

No matter how unseemly this nonsense is, I may have been too vocal when I said it, and Xiao Liu believed it.

Then came the expected suspension of school, the same rhetoric about school and home, and I suffered from a nervous breakdown. As for the buried truth, I don't dare to say it, maybe because I'm afraid that they will be hurt, maybe it's for myself, and I don't want to be the finger of a thousand people.

Zhao Yilun pulled the chair to a distance that I didn't think it should be so far every day, telling lame jokes, and one day even holding a large bouquet of hibiscus flowers that I don't know where to get them, but not inserting them in a vase, and learning to make bookmarks in online tutorials.

"I think this leaf carving seems to be good, you try to draw an outline up, I'll carve it out. Dry it to make bookmarks when the time comes. ”

"Didn't you learn impasto, how about this drawing?"

"I found a particularly funny joke, that is, you may not be able to lose your wallet, mobile phone, and real estate certificate in the office for a month, but put a pen and you can't leave your sight for ten seconds, otherwise someone will take it away in the blink of an eye. There's another one and this, there's a girl who's in love, and then she's meeting her boyfriend......"

It wasn't that funny, he leaned back and closed with a smile, and the book he was holding fell to the floor from time to time, and although my reaction was too flat, he was not discouraged, and when he saw the next joke that would make people laugh and get carried away, he ran to tell me about it.

I love the way he smiles, and every time I see it, my heart is like a knife. I thought about it, even if we could keep the relationship going, if I were him, there would still be a problem. Even if he says it's okay and he doesn't care, but I can't do it, I don't believe him, I'm not him, I can't stay with him by speculating on his thoughts, I don't know if what he said is true.

Perhaps I am despicable now, and all other people's good to me will inevitably become a lingering evil in my eyes. I'm at such a tipping point, floating again and again. The final choice is still to lock yourself in that unknown corner. It would be enough for me to be alone in such a place, and there was no need for him to come in.

He's so good, he doesn't belong to someone like me. If only I could have realized it from the beginning...... yes, he's so good.

At night, without looking at his sleeping face, I closed the door and went to the airport alone.

I told my dad yesterday that I could see him today, but I can't wait, I want to go home.

I want to go home, I really miss home. In the past, I hated going home the most, I didn't like my stepmother who was always talking about other people's parents at the mahjong table, I didn't like my arrogant sister who was self-righteous, and I didn't like my dad and brother who always found a reason to discipline me every time.

But I had nowhere to go. Can only go back. I also know that what I treated them at the beginning was not disgust. It's just that we haven't found a way for each other to understand each other.

My dad has been an ordinary migrant worker since he was young, and he also has his own little hobbies, he likes all kinds of antiques, and threatens not to support me and my brother, and he will not be unable to get a decent collection, and in the end he will only be laughed at by others.

He said this to us more than once, and even half-jokingly told us that we would have money for this little hobby in the future. At that time, I swore the most promise, I said that I would study hard and become a rich man in the future, I said that even if I have no way out in my studies, I can learn to draw, learn to do animation design, and find a way out that can make money. I will have a lot of money, I don't need him to raise it, I will support him.

Looks like I'm going to break my promise. After this sabbatical, I wasn't sure if I would be able to get back on track with my life, and a large part of it was probably negative. Perhaps, I won't even finish college. Perhaps, I will rely on my father to live for the rest of my life. Or perhaps, in the process of self-struggle, my soul must leave my body to be free, and I will not live.

A pleasant female voice began to announce the flight, and I closed my eyes in silence.

"Ladies and gentlemen, in order to ensure the normal operation of the aircraft's navigation and communication systems, please do not use laptops during take-off and disembarkation, and do not use electronic devices such as mobile phones, remote-controlled toys, video games, laser record players, and electronic audio receivers throughout the flight. The plane is about to take off and there are now cabin attendants for security checks. Please sit down, fasten your seatbelts, and put away the chair and table. Please make sure that your carry-on items are properly stowed in the overhead bin......"

What flashed in my mind was the last time I went home, at the train station, I sat in the waiting room and chatted with Shen Xiangzhou, while waiting for Zhao Yilun. He came, came late, panting and stood in front of me. The moment the train was about to start, I didn't get on the train, and waited for him to come to me for no reason.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw a thick layer of clouds gilding the night outside the window. When Zhao Yilun wakes up, will he look for me? Or do you feel that you are finally liberated and can leave without any burden?

And in fact, I won't turn around and wait for him again, and he won't be able to come towards me. We, this is the end, we must, this is the end.

Everything has been like a dream for the past year, with sweet dreams and nightmares. I was lost in my dreams, I couldn't see the past, and I couldn't look into the future. I give myself plenty of room to think about my ethereal, the rest of my life. Even though I couldn't think of anything, I couldn't stop thinking, and once I stopped, I was re-impregnated with nightmares and haunted by that unrecognizable self.

The scenery outside the window has changed its face, and the sunlight is slanting in. Chasing the light and looking past, it was a round of rising golden hot new sun. I put my hand on the glass and tried to get closer to it. Beautiful, really beautiful, so beautiful that everything in heaven and earth has lost its color.

If I could, I wish my time could stop forever and freeze in this moment forever. Even if you look at the same scenery for decades for the rest of your life, it's good to get by.

That's the best, that's the best, so that I can just remember this little bit of beauty in the eyes of most people, and then live with this little bit of beauty.