I can only say that I am very empty, except for endless fantasies, I have not done any practical things, and I have no idea about the future, like I have a mental illness.

Freud believed that the quality of all mental states is related to ****, similar to purity...&... Desire, spirituality*...&Desire, psychosexuality*& desire, but if I were to classify myself as one, which one should I be? I don't know, I didn't have sex at all. I racked my brains and tried my best to find an answer, but I didn't succeed, and then I became depressed, panicked all day long, thinking about what role I would appear in my life in the future? I fell into a state of contradiction caused by the incompatibility of reality and dreams, all the negative emotions surrounded me, so that I escaped from the desire for the future, refused to come out of the "comfort zone" I created, and completely tasted depression.

It was nearly 5 p.m. when I got out of the car, walking down the straight south-facing road to my house, and a feeling of long-lost experience filled my mind.

I walked back and forth on this road for six years, and the poplars and crops on both sides of the road were always green and yellow, yellow and green. At that time, the road was still muddy, every time it rained, the road was muddy and muddy, there were potholes everywhere, and the clean sneakers were dirty when I stepped on the ground, which was very annoying at the time, but I liked to walk on that path on a sunny day, the breeze was really fresh, especially in the evening, there were almost no pedestrians on the road, so I carried my backpack and walked briskly, my heart was calm, and my mind was clear. Now the road has long been built into a concrete road, and the trees on both sides have been cut down, and it looks bare at a glance, and it has lost its former appearance.

Good always starts in an instant and ends in an instant, and that's where the beauty lies!

Life perception is only related to some of your own factors, that is just your own subjective feelings, when you encounter happy or sad mundane things in a corner of life, you will die to understand, it turns out that you are so vulgar!

I'm a very vulgar person. I'm more homely, there is always no pressure at home, I can stay in the house all day without coming out, listen to music, read novels, do revision questions, give up everything else, I feel good about it!

When I got home, my mother, like the parents of other children, would ask me if I was eating well, how were my grades, and so on? I would answer three words like other children: It's all right.

My mother always told me that it was not as convenient to eat and dress outside as it was at home, and she knew that I was not in good health and asked me to take care of myself.

Growing up, my mom didn't ask too much of me, and she always loved me. When I was very young, my dad went to school every day, and my mom fed me every day and fell asleep and then went to the field to plant crops and weed, no one took me to see it, I was like this every day, after a long time I slept with my head crooked, the left side of the back of my head was flattened, and I couldn't grow well, and the people in the village said that I was ugly, and my mother thought I was good-looking, and when others said about me, she got angry and retorted: "It's ugly, it's not ugly at all!", until I grew up I became a little better, and the neighbors said that I grew from an ugly duckling to a handsome guy, and I didn't care about it.

Because of the poor conditions at home, I often saw my parents quarrel when I was a child, and several times I saw my mother secretly wiping her tears, my personality was greatly affected, depressed and unhappy, cranky all day long, and my temper became bigger, becoming a "nest".

I wanted to eat a kind of black sesame paste that I had at that time, and my mother secretly gave me money to buy it so that my brother and sister wouldn't know, and when I lost my temper, she kept silent and let me shout loudly, and when I fought with my brother, she always lectured my brother. I remember one time my mom was really angry, that time I skipped school with my brother and she found out, she made us kneel in the yard, holding a thin peach stick, and hit us both and cried, and that was the hardest time she hit me.

Now that I have grown up, but I have driven her out little by little, and I have not repaid her kindness, and I am getting farther and farther away from her, I really want to stay in childhood, so that she never grows old.

After dinner, Guan Wenhui called over, my mother answered, she hung up the phone, and after a while, she called again, and my mother answered, she said to find Chen Zhuo, I took the phone,

"Hey"

"Hey, didn't you guess I'm going to call you?"

"I guessed, I didn't dare to pick it up"

"I'm not afraid your mother will know."

"It's okay, she won't say me, have you eaten?"

"You've eaten, what about you?"

"I've just eaten it too"

"My parents are out and want to call you. “

"My parents are at home"

"I miss you. ”

"I miss you too"

"I didn't hear it"

"Forget it"

"Hehe, your mom won't be angry, will she?"

"No, she's about to graduate anyway, so she won't ask too much"

"That's good"

(Silence for a minute)............

"When did you three go back?"

"After eating, I went back, and they played billiards"

"I don't know how to call me"

"Our brothers are gathering together, how good is it that you are a girl here, and Bai Xiao didn't go. ”

"Hmph"

…………

"Then you have a good rest, I'm hanging up"

"Well, you too" I hung up.

My mother asked me why I was a woman who called me, I smiled and said that it was just a classmate, my mother said that the college entrance examination is about to be distracted, and I want to talk about it after graduation, which made me very ashamed, in order to cover up I quickly responded: "We said that we will talk after the college entrance examination", and my mother did not ask.

Actually, I think my mother is quite open-minded, having a son like me made him cheaper, and now I feel a little remorseful when I think about it!

In the evening, I opened the diary that I hadn't written for a few days, and I looked at it without permission, and it turned out that I was so negative, so I will copy it here and share it with you, no matter what, I still have to have the spirit of self-entertainment.

If so:

"2007-04-14 Sunny day for evening self-study

Always thinking about escaping. The life of my senior year of high school left me at a loss, and I could never find a harbor for a homeless and lonely heart. Am I really a superfluous?

I often think that the philosopher's mind is like an unstoppable drug, and that a sentence of detached words is the main culprit of addiction; the more I read, the more complicated a simple heart becomes, and the more complex it is, the more I want to find temporary comfort between the lines. Gradually, the "drug addiction" became more and more serious, and he began to hate reality, escape from reality, and his mind was full of emptiness, helplessness, misanthropy, and even thought of death. Perhaps, that's why I thought of escaping. Every day was spent in a state of confusion, and the boring, monotonous senior year of high school brought me to the end of a road where I needed to turn. 53 days - what kind of concept, parents insist, teachers remind, friends encourage, for me, everything is like a ship in the desert, I don't know what I am waiting for. An already weak heart can become cruel. Even I don't believe I'm so vulnerable. I also thought about letting go of the big and small burdens hidden in my heart and fighting him without regrets, but after "three minutes of heat", I realized that it was just in vain. A man who was once brilliant, but now he has been weathered by time and is like a withered shape, hovering alone on the edge of advancing and retreating. Probably no one would do the same to me. Why are there so many "great philosophers" in this world, and why are their "great and humble" ideas haunting me, it's terrible!

The college entrance examination is approaching, and I can't run away, but what should I do? I always feel different from other people's, and this kind of life makes me feel very tired. It seems like a few fireflies, drifting in the dim night sky; It is like a kite with a broken string, I don't know where to go. The quicksand of reminiscing about the years, the fragmented footprints constitute an imperfect curve, it seems to tell me again, how can an unfulfilled wish stop forever at the first station of life? I am very unwilling!

In the long and misty night I spoke alone, and the contradictions in my heart struck at my wounds, and in the midst of these pains, I seemed to be sad!

The wind, flowing in the night, longing to find a place where it can be warmed, where is it? Will it make the wandering and the wind in the night less afraid?Can it stay in the wings of hope forever?"

Obviously, I'm still stuck in the world, I don't have a problem with it, I drag each other down with it, and no one wants to let go!