To be honest, this experience of being forced to withdraw from the group did not make me feel sad and aggrieved, I know that if something is not my own, it is not my own.

I didn't make it clear to the crew that I didn't go to dinner because I felt that there were unspoken rules in it, and I used other reasons, but if I didn't eat this meal, the crew would be replaced, which means that there must be something else behind the meal. I'm just not going to eat.

I think I'm principled, and I'm going to stick to that principle all the time, and it's not going to be good to have a meal, but if I can accept eating today, maybe I'll be able to drink with me tomorrow, and I'll be able to go to bed the day after tomorrow.

I don't want to give my bottom line a chance to lower again and again, so I just stick to the first bottom line and don't relax.

I just wanted to be an actor.

I packed up my things and got out, thinking to myself that if I don't keep my master here, I have a place to keep my master, anyway, I've tried so many roles during this time, can I still try one of them, just go back and wait for news.

When I left, I walked neatly and neatly, and when I arrived in Beijing, I found that I had nothing to do, and I had to go to Yan Xiaochang to squeeze it, and my mood was a little low.

Yan Xiaochang went to record the show, and no one had dinner with me, so I called Li Baitian and told my story in the way of telling jokes. Li Baitian said, "Okay, my brother shaved at you again today, you girl has courage!"

I was so proud of him.

When a person makes a choice, no matter how firm he is, he will more or less want to get some support from others. For example, when Li Hua insisted on dancing, none of us supported him, which made him persevere, lacking a lot of happiness that he should have.

I'm like this now, and sometimes I wonder if I'm too stubborn, if I'm really not on the road, but when someone around me says it's right, I feel a lot more comfortable.

Li Baitian is not busy today, I went to Deyun Club with him after dinner, and I felt a lot when I arrived at Deyun Club, mainly because when Li Hua came to Beijing to find me for the first time, it left a deep imprint in my heart.

Then Li Hua called me, I hung up, and the text message said: "Listen to cross talk, go back and call you." ”

After a long time, Li Hua replied to me, "It's with Li Baitian again." ”

I don't come to listen to any cross talk if I have nothing to do, Li Hua naturally reasoned about Li Baitian, and I have nothing to explain, this is a fact.

But Li Baitian and I are innocent, more innocent than him and Wen Juan, and he has a good impression of Wen Juan. So I don't think it's necessary to explain.

I still came out of the field and found a quiet place to call him, and when he picked it up, his voice was very tired.

I said, "Haven't you had a good cold?"

He cleared his throat, "Hmm. ”

I said, "Then you have to rest more and don't stay up too late." ”

After a moment of silence, Li Hua asked me, "Youyou, do you have nothing to say to me now?"

I said, "No." "Then I realized that there really wasn't much to say. I don't know where the endless words came from when I was in love, I don't remember what we talked about, I only vaguely remember the feeling of being reluctant to hang up at that time, but the feeling that there is always the next sentence to say is no longer available.

And he said, "Do you know how long it has been since we've seen each other? Every time I want to see you, you say wait, and you don't want to see me so much?"

In the past two months, I have been really busy, and Li Hua's time is more concentrated, so he can find time to come to me. But I don't want to meet like the airport, to take a quick look, or spend the night, and then we'll keep walking. I thought I'd see each other again when we had time for both of us.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I can hear that Li Hua is a little sad at this time, and people who are sick are more sentimental, so I said, "Then I'll go back to see you tomorrow." ”

He said yes.

From the moment I finished the phone call with Li Hua, my mood became heavy, and when did this source of happiness and sweetness become another kind of pressure. I suddenly missed the life of being single, doing whatever I wanted to do alone, not having to report to others, and not having to worry about anyone's feelings.

When I went back, Li Baitian still listened to the cross talk with his face raised, and when he wanted to laugh, he followed the laughter, I suddenly felt that his smile was very good-looking, I never seemed to have seen such a forced smile on Li Hua's face.

Li Baitian noticed my gaze, turned his head to look at me, poured the tea in front of me quietly, didn't ask anything, and continued to be in a daze in the direction of the stage.

The next day I went back to the city, Li Hua dragged the crooked body of the deputy illness to me, he has a characteristic of his body, as soon as he catches a cold, his eyes are teary, as if he may shed water at any time.

In the past, when he had a cold, I always stared into his eyes, sometimes I felt so distressed, and sometimes I felt funny.

I didn't take any luggage, just to come back and see him, he stretched out a hand to support my back and led me in the direction of the park. This kind of distance is not close or far, which makes me feel very awkward, so I reached out to hold his arm, but between the intertwined arms, it seems that I can no longer find the original feeling.

Driving, he said, "Go back to my house." ”

I said, "It's better to be outside, it's convenient." ”

In order to break the embarrassment of having nothing to say, I tried to find something to say, but I felt that he was not interested in my work, and I couldn't understand what he was doing. In fact, it was the same before, but at that time, even if we were not interested, even if we didn't understand, we were willing to listen patiently.

That kind of patience is definitely not perfunctory, but comes from a passion to understand and participate in each other's lives.

After eating and going to the hotel room, because there is nothing to say, I can only express it with my body. He hugged me by the bedside and kissed me softly, and I pushed him and said, "Don't make a fuss when you're sick." ”

I can't push it away, he must kiss me, that kind of attachment, like a dying person clinging to a life-saving straw. It's not obscene, it's just that every kiss falls, it makes people feel a little desperate.

It's not that I don't want to fulfill him, it's just that I'm not in good health, and my aunt has been visiting for three days, and I haven't gone anywhere. In fact, in the past, it was really impatient, and when the amount was small, we also encountered bloody battles. But I don't want to mess with him today, I don't think we met specifically to do this.

I said, "Oops, I'm inconvenient. ”

He pushed me to the bed, and he said, "I don't care, I just want you." ”

I didn't want to say anything, I lay motionless, and put my hand around his waist as I had done before, but I felt bored again, and my palm slipped down. Li Hua pulled my hand back and hugged him again, and I held on for a while before sliding down again.

When kissing, I lowered my eyes to see him kissing me, saw his eyelashes trembling slightly like dew, and saw the muscles and tendons pulled up when his arms moved.

These are things that I used to love and that I am now indifferent to.

Unable to feel my response, Li Hua gave up, raised his head, and looked at me seriously face to face, the water in his eyes was almost broken. But I know that he doesn't want to cry, he just has a different physiological phenomenon when he has a cold.

I asked him, "What's wrong?"

He still looked at me, his voice was soft and a little hoarse: "What's wrong with you?"

I perfunctorily, "Period, uncomfortable." ”

He shook his head, seemed to smile wryly, and said, "You don't want to do it with me." ”

Traditionally, I would say "no", but at this point I didn't want to deny it. I just don't want to, and I don't know why I don't want to, but I don't think it's interesting, and since the abortion, I feel bored, and sometimes it hurts.

Then he let go of his hand and got out of the way of me, and I sat up, feeling that the time with Li Hua should not be so difficult to pass.

lit a cigarette, Li Hua said, "I really have nothing to do with Wen Juan." ”

"I know. ”

After another pause, he said, "Youyou, come back, you let me take care of you, if it goes on like this, I'm really worried." ”

"Worried about what?"

He stopped talking.

"Or I'll go to Beijing so we can see each other often. He said.

I still replied lightly, "No, you do your thing, I can take care of myself." ”

Li Hua was anxious and yelled at me, "What do you want me to do!"

But he yelled at me, I was not in a hurry, I patiently said, "I didn't want you to do anything, wouldn't it be nice to be like this now." ”

Li Hua glared at me, staring at me with its eyes that could drip at any moment, staring at me so that my heart was furious, I felt that my attitude might be a little too cold, and I wanted to say something to comfort me.

Li Hua said: "When you were with Li Baitian, what did you think about my mood?"

I said, "I don't have anything to do with Li Baitian." "My attitude is getting worse and worse, because I feel that Li Hua is very unreasonable at the moment.

He said: "I have nothing to do with Wen Juan, why do you have to hold on to this matter?"

I frowned at him, "Is Wen Juan the same as Li Baitian?"

He looked at me with the same attitude, a little interrogative, and he said, "Is there a big difference, Cong You, you dare to say that you don't have a good impression of him at all?

I was stunned, as usual, I didn't want to say "dare", but at the moment I hesitated, which means that I really don't dare. Seeing my hesitation, Li Hua sneered self-deprecatingly, pursed his mouth, and continued to laugh at himself, "I asked you what you are doing so clearly, heh......"

Yes, he just shouldn't ask, because I'm a person who has a very slow emotional reflex arc, and if he doesn't ask, I probably won't be able to respond to that aspect all the time. Now that he is forcing me to think, I think about it seriously, I may really like Li Baitian, for example, if I are asked to cut off contact with Li Baitian now, I will feel heartache.

I thought about it a lot that day, and I thought I figured it out a lot.

I said to Li Hua, "Let's break up." ”

He looked at me with a cold gaze, "Why?"

I bit my lip, avoided his eyes, and lowered my head, "I don't love you anymore." ”

When I said this, I couldn't control my tears, I was sad, I was sad that I didn't love him anymore, this man I thought I was going to love for a lifetime, I just stopped loving him so easily. I'm sad about to lose, but I know I don't want to keep it anymore.

We're here, the reason for breaking up never needs to be so beautiful, we are ordinary people, there is no helplessness that can't be called love, it's nothing more than not loving anymore, and I don't want to continue.

After listening to my answer, Li Hua didn't know what kind of gaze he was looking at at the moment because I didn't look up. I only heard him sniff and spit out a word lightly and solemnly, "Okay." ”

Then he got up, walked to the door, opened the door and walked out silently, never to return.