I once saw an article commenting that contemporary Chinese children are a spoiled group. The article points out that many Chinese children squander their hard-earned money from their parents when their families are not wealthy, and live a life of near luxury:

"When your parents are sweating profusely in the scorching sun, when you are doing mental work in a small cubicle, you consume a day's wages with a big meal......

When your parents are yelled at by your leaders, when your parents are called by your customers, you are calling your friends and living in style......

When you use iPhone, iPad, and Mac to arm yourself, your parents have to think about buying a 10 yuan and 100M data package for a long time, and finally they are not willing to buy it;

When you are wearing a brand that can be named, and a pair of shoes costs thousands of yuan, but your parents are wearing old shoes that have been eliminated by you, they don't understand the brand you said, and you laugh at them for being outdated......

You live a youthful and invincible life, you live a glamorous life, but you can't see behind you, silently supporting your parents, in order to let you live a better life, you are still whispering to the world. As a result, the author lamented to his Chinese children: "Your parents are still reluctant, but you are showing off your poetry and the distance."

However, what is even more shocking is that Chinese children not only do not know how to appreciate their parents' dedication, but feel at ease and deserved. As if his parents owe him, he must be given such treatment, and his various requirements should be met. His parents gave it, and he felt that was what his parents should do. If his parents don't give it, he thinks that his parents shouldn't be right, and he will be dissatisfied and resentful.

Even many people get married and let their parents take on mortgages. Some people are already adults, but they still need to be supported by their parents. When his wish is not satisfied, he will face his parents with a knife and brutally kill his biological parents. So much so that some people bitterly shouted: Don't do too much for your child, otherwise you will train your child to become a "white-eyed wolf"!

However, this has put Chinese parents in a dilemma, because their children should be raised by their parents before they are minors, and parents should take care of their minor children.

When we are struggling with how much parents should do for their children, another article about children's education, "No One Pays for You", gives us the answer. As prompted by the author, this is a true story.

The story is that the author's friend returned from the United States, and the author picked him up at the hotel. When it was time to check out, my friend took out the money and had to AA with the author. This made the author feel very embarrassed, so his friend told him a story:

"Two children from a middle school in Wisconsin, USA, went hiking, a Chinese child and an American child. Unfortunately, on the way down the mountain they encountered a landslide. As a result, the two children were trapped on either side of the huge rock and the rubble, and the American child was hit by the rubble and injured his leg, which he judged to be a broken bone.

Soon it will be dark, and the darkness will consume the whole world like a giant beast. Cold and hunger may make them dizzy and even take their lives. So, the American kid began to try, supporting his body with his hands, slowly crawling up the rocks, after a difficult climb, he climbed up, but the rocks were still two or three meters high from the ground, and the injured leg made him unable to land smoothly, he simply closed his eyes and chose to roll down. No one could have imagined how the kid had managed to crawl back into town. He calmly recounted where and when he was in danger, and said that one of the Chinese children was probably still there.

After examination, the American child suffered a fracture in the tibia of his left leg, and when he rolled down the rock, the ribs were hit and two were broken, and countless wounds and bruises were created on his body. The adults took him to the hospital and went to rescue the Chinese child. By the time the Chinese child was found, the cold and fear had already left him dying, and if he was a little late, he would probably lose his life. ”

In the end, my friend told the author that the Chinese child was his son. Why is that American child stronger than his son? Because Americans teach their children that "no one pays for you," American children understand from an early age that they must rely on their own struggle to survive. And the way Americans educate their children to establish this concept is the AA system.

Some people may think that this story can only show that the American child is stronger-willed, but it cannot explain the role of the AA system in shaping the child's independent personality. Then let's take a look at the Chinese people's concept of marriage in real life. Nowadays, the concept of a girl's mate selection is "it is better to learn than to marry". Although it was said to his face, few people were willing to admit it. But when looking for a partner, most people always start by examining the other party's family background and economic situation. Because everyone knows in their hearts that once they find a person with better economic conditions than their own, their living situation will immediately change dramatically. Nowadays, domestic film and television dramas with the theme of love are mostly plotted with "Cinderella" meeting the rich and handsome, and finally jumping on the branches and becoming a phoenix. All of this is actually sending a message to us, that is, "a person can rely on others to change his fate or life". It's just that "learning well is better than marrying well" is more straightforward, while telling "Cinderella" fairy tales is more elegant, but there is no difference in substance.

This is due to the fact that we are still following the model of family economy and joint ownership by husband and wife. Under this model, it is difficult to define how husband and wife should share family responsibilities and obligations, and there are no clear rules to follow, and it is all up to individual self-discipline. When one party is not consciously self-disciplined, it does not affect his enjoyment of a superior family life. As some people say, "If you don't move, you can still eat and wear." And if the other party criticizes him for not fulfilling his responsibilities and obligations, this party will also be dissatisfied and resentful.

At this time, it is not difficult for us to find that it is precisely because the parents set such an example and instilled in the children the idea that they can rely on others to meet their own lives, that the children think that it is natural for their parents to meet their own requirements, and if they can't meet them, they should be dissatisfied and resentful.

Moreover, in this environment where there is no clear demarcation between family members due to economic co-ownership, the end result is that children want to be independent but can't, and parents want to let go but don't want to.

Because this kind of environment where there is no clear boundary between people, it is difficult for people to distinguish between what is their own business and what is other people's business. You should do your own business and not rely on others, and you should respect and accept other people's affairs, and you should not interfere with them. However, because we can't distinguish between our own business and other people's business, we often leave our own affairs to others, and we often impose our own will on others and forcibly intervene in other people's personal space. For example, in this era of advocating respect and protection of individual rights, there are still many parents who interfere in their children's love and marriage. As a result, although the children are adults, they cannot be fully autonomous in their behavior, and more seriously, they cannot be completely independent psychologically. This is manifested in behavioural behaviour in which children have a desire for independence, but also a fear of independence, and even after marriage, they still want to live with their parents or want their support. However, due to the long-term involvement of parents in their children's lives, their children have become the content of their parents' lives, and parents have lost the direction and support of their lives when they leave their children. In terms of behavior, the children are all adults, and the parents still do not want their children to leave them to live independently, let alone accept their children to leave them to live in other places. So much so that today's only child exclaimed: I don't dare to die, I don't dare to marry far away, I especially want to make money, because my parents only have me!

From this, we can see that if we want to no longer cultivate spoiled children, if we want children to know how to be grateful and learn to be self-reliant, the key is not how much parents should do for their children. It is that parents should first be independent and grateful people. When parents do a good job, their children can learn from each other and do a good job.

The first step for parents is to distinguish the boundaries between people, and the AA system is undoubtedly the best way to clarify personal responsibilities, rights and obligations. This is where the belief that the American child survives in a desperate situation comes from. Parents who are eager for their children to be self-reliant and self-reliant, after understanding this truth, believe that they will also choose the AA system in their lives.

I once read a passage about how parents educate their children, and it resonated strongly in my heart at that time. Although the author doesn't know who created this passage, I am still willing to write this passage here to encourage all parents in China:

Really good parents don't put too much effort into educating their children. The so-called influence, edification, and education are just derivatives. The most important thing for parents to think about is how they should live, and the most important thing is to live and understand themselves. If you can take responsibility for yourself and manage yourself, children will follow and imitate because of their respect and trust in their parents. To be the best version of yourself is to give your child the best education. And the benefit of the child is only the result, not the goal.