Dilemma, January 2001

In the agony and torment day after day, the days passed slowly. Pen @ fun @ pavilion wWw. ｂｉｑUｇE。 ｉｎｆｏ

Seeing that I was so depressed, several good friends of the Bureau Literary Association organized several events for me in order to cheer me up as soon as possible. As one of the directors of the association, Ping cared more about me. I perceive it. At this time, I was very grateful for his care, and I was like a drowning man grasping at a straw and would not let go. As if trying to relieve the pain, maybe loneliness, maybe a revenge mentality, I said to him, "I don't associate with people who have families. Because my family was ruined by someone else, I didn't want other women to go through my pain. "I laughed at him wantonly and watched him rejoice in my pain. He followed me in the car every day at the door of the house, dropped me off at work and then went to work, and I didn't even look at him. With the love letter he sent, I jokingly read it to him. He endured all this silently. It wasn't long before he brought a copy of the divorce certificate and put it in front of me, who was surprised. I don't want to say that there must be problems in their marriage, but my laissez-faire attitude gave him great courage, and I became the culprit for dissolving their marriage. I started dating Li Ping and started going in and out in pairs. Li Ping proposed to me, but I couldn't say yes. Because you're -- don't agree.

Every time you are with him, you say, "Mom, tell him to go." "He wants to hug you, but you always push him away. He loves you like a father, and his love for you is also very natural, and everyone thinks that what others don't know is your biological father. The first time he took you to Chongqing Zoo, he kept holding you to see all kinds of animals (that was also because you saw that your mother couldn't hold you, the only time he let him hold you), and walked in the park for more than three hours. But you were born to resist him. Baby, your biological father rarely comes to see you, and I'm so afraid that you don't have a father's love. If your mother remarries, she also wants to find another kind of father's love for you, and she also wants you to enjoy the deep affection of father's love after remarriage. But how can I have both of them if you reject him so much? Your little man is so smart and wants to maintain a nominal father who rarely gives you love, what should your mother do?

Dilemma: .......

Eventually, I broke up with him. One is because you don't like it, and the other is because of the condemnation of your conscience. After Ping's divorce, his ex-wife found out the reason for the divorce and came to me and said that if I married him, she would jump from the upper floor. Faced with this woman I had inadvertently hurt, I admired her courage to preserve the marriage, and I gave in.

I still remember the day we parted peacefully, he said to me with great resentment: "I bet you will never find someone who loves you like me again, and you will regret it for the rest of your life!" "I never saw those affectionate eyes again.

Years later, I heard that Ping had never remarried his ex-wife and had found another woman who loved him to marry. This is the ending we didn't expect beforehand, right?

Now that I think about it, I don't know if I ever loved him. I also don't want to think about what would happen if we walked together in the end, maybe happiness? Maybe even more unsatisfactory? But I knew in my heart that from now on, there really would never be another man who gave me as much devotion to me as he did, and never looked into my eyes with such affection as he did.

Do I regret it? What does it matter if I love him or not? As long as he loves me with all his heart!

Maybe I don't know what love is.

An An Sketch 2001.1.17

More than 10 days have passed in the new year.

You're over two years old. In the process of educating you, there are many hardships and happiness. You're smart and naughty. Whenever you get into trouble, no matter how you say that you even beat you to the point that your buttocks are scarred (we are distressed when we beat you, but sometimes we have to punish you for your mistakes), you will not admit your mistakes and will not cry, which shows that your character is stubborn and willful. Once I took you to Chongqing to play, in the city center of the Liberation Monument, a temporary stage is performing. You have a crush on a toy, and your mother doesn't buy it for you, so you cry and fall asleep on the floor. Coaxed you not to listen, scolded and didn't listen, so many people around persuaded the mother: "You just buy it for the child." I ignored you and walked out of the crowd. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw you get up on your own, ran out after your mother, and when you saw me, you immediately hugged your mother and continued to cry, but you no longer slept on the ground. And since then thou hast not laid down on the ground again. To be honest, mom likes this kind of personality because it's also mom's character. This kind of personality will become a great tool if you make good use of it on the way to study, but I am afraid that this kind of personality will affect your growth and success. You're also very impatient, and you drop things when things don't go your way. You only need to be interested in one toy and ignore all other temptations. I see my own shadow in you. You are like a crystal clear jade, hoping that your mother can carve you into a gem with love. Mom was in a bad mood some time ago, and she spent too little time with you, so she felt ashamed. In the future, my mother will try to spend more time with you, tell you stories, play with you, and make trouble with you.

You are so smart, I must make you a talent, make you worthy of the society, and make you the pride and pride of all of us who love you!

"Love brand" scarves and hats, January 19, 2001

I saw some children knitting scarves around their mothers, which were very beautiful, and I wanted to knit a set for you.

I bought four taels of pure capillaries, picked up a dense needle, and calmed down to weave it one by one. Because my mother had never knitted, the stitches were thick and the movements were slow. Stationmaster Liu Yurong took the hat I had knitted partially, and finished knitting it. Aunt Zhao Hongjiu knitted half of the scarf again. Actually, I really wanted to finish this set by myself, but I couldn't say no in the face of their kindness. Today, the scarf is still partially finished, and you will definitely be asked to wrap it around and wear it before the New Year. We jokingly call this set of works "Love Cards". I hope that the love of your mother and elders will care for you, surround you, and warm you for a lifetime. No matter what setbacks you encounter in the future, you must think that there are many well-wishers who are always by your side silently encouraging you and watching you.

You're not alone.

Especially the mother's love, will always accompany you and care for you!

Decision 2001.3.6-3.30

Xiaoming introduced me to a job as a medical representative in Shiqiaopu, Chongqing. I took a week off work and decided to quit my job.

Making this decision was difficult and painful. But I have several reasons: First, the opportunity may be hesitating and losing. I'm 31 years old, and I don't have many opportunities left. The chances of a promotion in the Mining Bureau are small, and the chances of coming out may be greater. Second, I want to fight. I don't want you to say that your mother didn't do her best in the future, I want to set an example for you, an example of always upward and unremitting efforts. Three, I want to make money. I'm going to give you the opportunity to get more education. Your father didn't give you living expenses, and I have to earn more money to ensure your future education expenses. Fourth, Ping is very good to me, but you don't like him. Only when I leave Rongchang will he die, and he may remarry his ex-wife. I didn't want the pain of abandonment to fall on another woman. Fifth, leaving the sad place of Rongchang, I can slowly recover and start a new life. Five reasons were enough to get me going, but I was still miserable. Because I have to leave you temporarily when I arrive in Chongqing, I can't see you every day.

My heart, my baby, how can I be willing to leave you? I'm gone, you'll be even more lonely, who's going to play with you? Who told you the story of "Tick Dut"? Who will take you to Rongchang Begonia Park to take a train or plane? Every night, my mother let your little head sleep on my arm for a few hours, and who will do this to make you sleep peacefully? It's been 30 days since I wrote this, and tomorrow will be the day of my divorce from your father for a year, and my heart is even more sour. Your birth was not easy to come by, and I will always love you.

Now, you are the only one who is closest and most concerned to your mother.

It has been more than 20 days since I came out to work, and I have a lot of feelings. Society will never sympathize with the weak, but I still hope that you will be full of love and a kind person when you become an adult. I don't want others to sympathize with me, I want to earn everything that belongs to me with my own efforts, and for this, I have to work several times more than others!

Son, please forgive mom for not being by your side every day. Last week was the second time I (the first time was weaning) and I went home separately from you. As soon as you saw me, you pinched my mother's face and pulled my hair hard, because I said I was going to leave tomorrow, and you were angry. When you do this, your grandmother scolds you, but I don't have it, and I don't want to. I let you do this with tears in my eyes, maybe this will ease the guilt in my heart. Son, forgive Mother for not keeping you a complete home! Forgive your mother for not keeping your dad. But all my love is yours! For you, I'd rather give up everything: love, work, health!

At this moment, how much I miss you, how I want to embrace you in my arms!

I'll come back to see you tomorrow!

Baby, wait for me!