Before answering this question specifically, you may wish to ask your reader friend to answer another question that is both simple and complex. Pen × fun × Pavilion www. ｂｉｑｕｇｅ。 ｉｎｆｏ

It can be said that for a person with mental illness, as long as this question can be truly answered, his illness has no meaning of existence.

The question is: if a student is particularly eager to score 100 points; The results are always untestable; Very painful and tangled.

How can I keep him from being in pain?

I think the most common answer would be: lower your unrealistic goals and set your score lower. Because there is no perfection in this world, it is irrational to aspire to score 100 points in this way.

Hundreds or thousands of arguments and facts may then be cited to prove that there is no such thing as absolute perfection.

Accepting imperfection is the truth.

Admittedly, it is a healthy way to live.

However, as mentioned at the beginning of the article, this method is suitable for people who are healthy themselves, or people who are not in a good state of mind but have not yet become ill.

However, is this method of preaching and enlightenment still applicable to the real development of perfectionism to a pathological personality?

Let's take a look at this student's transformation.

When he listens to the opinions of the people; abandon the ideal of perfection; set the score low; Adjusting the mentality and shifting the focus has indeed alleviated the previous entanglement.

In the beginning, there was a willingness to let go of this ideal and force yourself.

But later, he was gradually able to let go of this ideal naturally, and no longer felt reluctant.

This is just like the common saying "just get used to", and gradually reach a healthy mindset of "accepting imperfections".

It turns out that it's not that hard to let go of perfection, but it's a little uncomfortable at first; As long as you slowly shift your energy in the future, do more practical and positive things; Understand the truth of "imperfection"; You will definitely be able to really let go.

But it doesn't end there.

Let's listen to the true heart of this student.

At first, he forcibly persuaded himself to let go of his unrealistic ideals, feeling very reluctant, unwilling, and accompanied by a strong sense of loss.

However, gradually, this unwillingness and loss slowly disappeared. It seems that the tangled pain of the past has truly disappeared.

However, over time, he will find that he gradually becomes unhappy and loses interest in many things.

This situation seems to show that this way of teaching him to let go of perfection by citing examples of imperfections in reality is not entirely reasonable.

If you think about it, it makes sense that this situation is not unreasonable: even the greatest ideals and happiness can be let go, and in reality, other small pleasures should be easier to let go.

But is there any other way?

If he doesn't let go of the unrealistic ideal of "scoring 100 points", he will be entangled, nervous, and anxious......

If you let go of this ideal, even if you take the middle route and score 95 points, it may not make him happy.

That's where the complexity of the problem lies.

It is necessary to find a way to unify these two important contradictions--that he can not let go of his ideals and obtain the enterprising and happy pursuit of perfect ideals; It can also make him not too anxious before his ideal is realized; When ideals are frustrated, they don't suffer too much.

Before finding the best of both worlds, let's go back to the case mentioned earlier - J accepts the strength of fatherhood and eliminates compulsion; But depression followed.

If you look at the example of this student now, do you see the same?

Overcoming the roughness and fierceness of fatherhood and maintaining the softness of motherhood is his greatest happiness and ideal.

Surpassing everyone else and scoring 100 points in the test is the greatest ideal and happiness of this student.

The student lets go of this ideal and becomes unhappy;

J let go of maintaining motherhood and became depressed.

The classmates that students once wanted to beat, after letting go of their ideals, reconciled with them, and will no longer compete with them.

J let go of defending his mother, reconciled with the strength of his fatherhood, and no longer fought against it.

In both cases, their entanglements and anxieties, and even compulsions, are eliminated.

However, depression and unhappiness returned.

How exactly does this depression and unhappiness come about?

It can only show that J and the students did not really absorb those truths and theories from the depths of their hearts and "let go" in the real sense.

Instead, it has taken an extremely covert and extreme way ---- the "it doesn't matter" mentality.

Psychoanalysis teaches J to accept paternity and break away from motherhood, but he goes to the extreme of fatherhood. It seems that it is a very happy thing to be rough and strong, and it is a kind of indifference.

Just like an introverted and timid person, the outside world forces him to be bold and outgoing, he may go to the other extreme and vent wildly......

Don't expect that student to take the middle route, the way he let go of the ideal of 100 points is also a kind of "it doesn't matter" mentality, thinking that 100 points is not a big deal, and self-denying the joy of taking 100 points.

Why is it so easy to adopt this "no matter" mentality.

Freud's "death destruction instinct" ---- an almost physiological, objective instinct is also to be cited.

When a person with a pathological personality is extremely nervous to achieve a major event, for fear that it will not be achieved, and is extremely painful and entangled, what is the best way to relieve stress?

That's "it doesn't matter".

"If people are going to die anyway, what are they afraid of?"

I dare say that not only people with pathological personalities, but also healthy people have this idea from time to time, but it is only a little milder than that of pathological personality.

Therefore, once a person uses this "indifference" for a long time and too much to escape from suffering, what happiness can he have?

If you don't "care" about anything, you will have no motivation to pursue happiness.

At this point, it is not surprising that the above contradiction is not surprised.

But the question is how to unify this pair of contradictions?

I think the only answer is: I firmly believe that I will be able to score 100 points!

Why? Isn't that another demand for perfection?

It is true, as many believe: the demand for perfection is a factor that leads to disease, especially compulsion.

However, forcibly letting go of perfection can only lead to depression.

Therefore, letting go of perfection can only be unconsciously and from the heart.

What does it mean to be truly heartfelt?

Let's start by answering the question "Why do you have to believe that you will be able to score 100 points?" ”

Think about it: if you firmly believe that you will be able to score 100 points, will you not pay attention to things that you are completely sure of?

It's like when you walk on the road, you won't pay attention to a piece of grass, and you won't care if you step on it.

In this way, the attention is diverted, and the tangles and anxieties disappear.

The next question is: if he doesn't get 100 points, will it be particularly painful?

The answer is: the pain will be much lessened and it will return to normal levels.

Where do you start?

Let's look at another example:

If there is a person who has heard about a very dangerous trap on the road before he walks on it.

Then, when he walks this way, he will definitely be cautious, like thin ice. I imagined the bad result of stepping on the trap.

This leads to nervousness and anxiety.

If he did have the misfortune to step on the trap, how would he react?

The answer must be very frightening and painful.

Why?

It's like a resonance, sudden, and multiplied.

Stepping into the trap just validates the initial worry, and the level of pain increases exponentially.

But what if you want to remove this tension?

Again, the best thing to do is "it doesn't matter".

Anyway, it's a death, come on!

That way, the fear of stepping into the trap may not be as strong.

However, once people are indifferent to suffering, they have less expectations of happiness.

It's a way to get rid of compulsions and anxieties, but it's also a way to invite depression.

Let's look at another mentality – the belief that you won't step into a trap, or that there are no traps on the road.

If he really stepped on it, what would be the reaction?

The answer is: pain and fear are much less than in the previous case.

Why?

I don't think it's hard to answer: because he firmly believes that there is no trap, his attention will be diverted to other things.

His first reaction when he stepped into the trap is something I think you should have experienced firsthand.

That is, when you encounter something that you never thought might happen, your first reaction is not fear, nor indifference, but ignorance.

Then it may be fear and pain.

I think that when a person is ignorant, he should not feel pain.

Therefore, he experienced less pain than in the previous case.

The former case is pain and fear from head to back; And in the second case, at least the first reaction is not pain and fear.

Therefore, to sum up: when you firmly believe in one thing, it is easy to divert attention, and there will be no entanglement and anxiety; Even after failure, there is less pain.

Best of both worlds.

The same is true for sick personalities who can't afford a little more praise.

They are as unbearable and uneasy as they are when faced with a little more praise.

But if it's like the above: start unconditionally confident and don't pay too much attention; If it is recognized by others, it is just an unexpected and ignorant surprise; without being too upset and anxious.

For diseases, the same answer is followed.

This is the only answer to the contradiction of unity.

Another example is the patient's attitude towards the psychiatrist.

He sometimes thinks of the psychiatrist as the perfect 100 points.

If someone objects to the theory of a psychiatrist, it is like asking him to give up on the 100 score test.

In the same way, it is enough for him to believe that the psychiatrist is perfect and correct.

Going deeper, the psychiatrist is a substitute for his parents.

As long as he firmly believes that his parents will always love him, he will always be the unique child of his parents.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It can be seen that the patient will be deeply disgusted when he sees certain phenomena and people who imitate his psychiatrist, or what he has comprehended according to the guidance of the psychiatrist.

In fact, it is: he is afraid that those people will imitate him and snatch away his parents. (the root comes from the sharing of maternal love between brothers and sisters; the deeper layer is that the appearance of brothers and sisters accidentally exposed the original only the most tranquil and hazy and wonderful mother-child relationship, which unexpectedly led to "external intrusion". Mother's love is secretly transferred to the outside world. Since then, he has paid great attention to the sharing of maternal love between brothers and sisters, and jealousy and comparison have arisen. ）

Just believe that this is an unchangeable fact.

But if he doesn't know the psychological implications, ordinary people, including most psychiatrists, may teach him: "You're too stingy! What you comprehend, others can't comprehend?"

But in fact, can their parents be owned by others?

Definitely not.

There is nothing wrong with the patient's attachment, the problem is that he is not confident enough in this attachment, and he must seek proof.

But don't think that's the end of the problem.

By conviction I am not an ordinary kind of faith, but an almost unconditional kind of faith.

This kind of unconditional confidence is especially important for people with obsessive-compulsive disorder who think too much about small events, and people with depression who think too much about the meaning of life.

But what is ordinary faith? What is unconditional faith?

What's the difference? How do I recover?

I firmly believe that 100 points in the test is just a transitional example I gave.

It may be easy for you to understand that when you encounter various challenges and tests in your life in the future, you only need to believe that you will succeed without anxiety or loss.

But the reality may not be the case, those who test you are generally outsiders, no matter how convinced you are, you can't achieve unconditionality.

If we only stay at the literal meaning of "firmly believe", rather than relying on memory, it will inevitably be blunt.

Rather, this "conviction" should be transformed from the outside world into a truly "unconditional" place - blood - a memory that has been there and is born with.