My dad had severe ascites, and my mom went to the leader of my dad's unit and decided to transfer my dad to a hospital in the provincial capital after discussion. My mother asked someone to bring me a letter, asking me to go to my father's unit and find Aunt Guan if I have something, she can't take care of me anymore, she wants to take my father to find the last chance.

On the weekend when my dad moved to the provincial capital, I wanted to go home and get a few changes of clothes, because it was raining all the time, and the clothes didn't dry and didn't change. It was raining lightly, so I walked home with an umbrella. At four or five o'clock in the afternoon in the summer, although it was not yet dark, it was raining, gray, and the sky was dark. When I was not far from home, I had to pass by a long oblique alley, there was a public toilet in the middle of the alley, when I just walked through the toilet, I heard a rustling sound like a raincoat walking when walking, it felt like a person came out of the toilet, I just wanted to turn my head to take a look, I felt a hard hit on my back, a stand unsteadily, lying heavily in the muddy water on the ground, the umbrella was thrown out, I didn't care about the pain on my face, turned my face over, and saw a man in a hurry.

I got up, picked up my umbrella, and dragged my muddy water to the other end of the alley, where there was a grain management office, where there were people and telephones. Because he was so frightened, his legs and feet did not obey the call, he staggered and fell several times, and finally ran out of the alley.

When the police came, I hadn't recovered from the fright, and my whole body was shaking like chaff. Three people came, all wearing raincoats. The man in the lead, whom I knew, came to our house to find my father, surnamed Deng, tall and thin, with a face as dark as an Indian, high cheekbones, and two very large eyes that purred and made me remember them once I saw them. Deng Gong'an asked some regular questions, whether he saw the appearance of the criminal, whether there were any other injuries except the injury on his back, how many criminals, and so on. After asking, the two police officers who went to the alley to see the scene also came back and brought back half a brick. Deng Gongan checked the wound on my back, looked at the half of the brick in my hand, and nodded, meaning that this was probably the murder weapon. Then, Deng arranged for the two police officers to take me to the hospital on a sidecar to see my injuries, and I stayed in the communication room of the Food Bureau.

When I came out of the hospital, the two police officers asked me where I was going, I couldn't say for a while, there was no one at school, no one at home, I was just frightened, I really didn't want to stay by myself, I was looking forward to these two police officers taking me to the public security bureau, and finding a place for me to stay for one night, but seeing that they didn't mean anything like this, they said to go home, and the two immediately sent me home.

I had never been so lonely and miserable as that night, I slammed the courtyard door to death, closed the door of the house, turned on all the lights, and sat on the bedside under the covers, my eyes wide open and afraid to sleep. If my dad hadn't been sick for a long time, would these police officers, especially Deng Gong'an, do this to me, and will they leave me alone at home? Aren't you afraid that bad guys will follow you to your home? It was determined that my father would not be able to live, and I thought endlessly, with the sensitivity and stubbornness of a fourteen-year-old to experience the heat and coldness of the world, and then I thought about it, and then I gave birth to a lot of hatred, others don't know, so I hate that Deng Gong'an, my dad is still alive, if my dad is really gone, what will happen! The more I think about it, the more sad and angry I become! I'm not even scared, what if the bad guys come, it's a big deal. Actually, it's a joke, when I was sad and angry, Deng Gong'an and they were squatting outside our house. Secretary Luo of the commune, who was arrested by my father, had already been sentenced to six years, and Deng Gong'an suspected that Lao Luo's eldest son was retaliating, so he and several other police officers took turns hanging out of our house until I returned to school the next day.

My father, who went to the provincial capital, didn't come back alive, and my mother couldn't get out of bed like she had her bones removed. According to our custom here, the funeral can not be held until three days later, and I stayed at home with my mother, preparing little by little according to her instructions. Although my mother was dazed and stiff, it could be seen from her arrangement that she was still trying to maintain her sanity and did not want to make any mistakes. My mother asked me to put my father's photo and incense burner in the outer room of the house, set up a simple mourning hall, and then take the negative of one of my father's bareheaded photos to the photo studio to enlarge it for use at the memorial service, and then go down to the post office to send a telegram to relatives, and finally pick up my grandmother from my father's hometown with someone from my father's unit.

On the way back to my hometown, my father's colleague taught me to tell the old lady that my father was critically ill, so that the old lady could be mentally prepared for something bad in case something bad happened. When I arrived, my grandmother had just come back from a visit, and when she met me at the entrance of the alley, my grandmother saw me and the people behind me, and her face turned pale. I said according to what I had taught in advance, but my grandmother didn't say a word, went in to pack her things, put the dustpan with needlework into a large cloth bag, and went to the bottom of the bed to drag out a small porcelain jar, which contained half a jar of millet. I couldn't hold it back, and cried out loud: "Milk, don't clean it up, my dad is gone......"

My grandmother stood still as if she hadn't heard. After a long time, I heard my grandmother say softly: "It's okay to be gone, it's better to be gone, your dad should rest, your mother has been fighting with him all his life, tired, rest, my son......"

I don't know why my grandmother has such a deep grudge against my mother, I feel a little sorry for my mother, how many couples don't quarrel? If you don't quarrel for this, you must quarrel for that, how can you blame my mom for my dad's death?

After my dad died, our yard became silent all of a sudden, my mom finally lay in bed, I went to school silently, and came back quietly, no anger at all. My mom and I rarely talked, we were all cowardly, we didn't have much to say. When my dad was there, he went out to work every day, and when he came home from work, the big golden deer's bicycle moved in and out from the courtyard gate, and every time there would be a jingling sound, if my dad was stir-frying, the movement was bigger than my mother, and my dad was waiting for the oil in the pot to be completely hot, smoking, and then he would pour the vegetables into the pot at once, stabbing sound, and sometimes there would be flames, the scene was spectacular, the air was filled with the aroma of bursting pots, mixed with the smell of tobacco on my dad's body, that is only one man can bring vitality to the family. Now, it's gone.

My mother lay at home for half a month, supporting her body to go to work, but she learned from Aunt Guan that the grocery store had closed early. The commune came with a new secretary to take stock and check the accounts, and found that the accounts of the pastry factory and the non-staple food shop below were in a mess and there were many problems, so the pastry factory was closed for rectification, and all the non-staple food shops were closed. The people in the grocery store were all temporary workers recruited by the commune, and there was no problem with resettlement, so they all went back to their respective homes. This happened to my dad when he was seriously ill, and Aunt Guan was afraid that my mom would be distracted, so she didn't tell her.

My mom is unemployed.

According to the relevant regulations, my grandmother and I have a pension of 14 yuan a month, and I receive it until I am 18 years old.

Our family's standard of living suddenly dropped to the lowest since I can remember, and for some reason that year, eggplants were particularly worthless, a good one dime was seven catties, and the not very good ones were sold in piles. At home, there is usually a big bowl of eggplant and two steamed buns on the dinner table, one for me and one for my mother. My mom tried to eat the eggplant in a different way, stir-frying, mixing, and braising it, and in order to whet my appetite, my mom would say, "Look, I put so much soy sauce, is it the same flavor as the meat?" "I didn't have much enthusiasm for this kind of self-deception, but I also knew the situation at home, and I didn't complain about anything, and I ate bowl after bowl of eggplant.

Once, my mom said to me, "I know I should find a job, but I don't want to see anyone, and without your dad, I feel like I'm like an inferior ......." I don't know what to say, I should have confided in my father, but now I can only say it to a fourteen-year-old child, and I think my mother is so weak that I want to protect her.

"I'm sorry for you."

The year my dad died, my mom was always at home. Every day when I come home from school, sometimes I see her locking the courtyard door, standing in the yard, doing nothing, not looking, just standing, and sometimes startling her when I enter the door: "What time is it?" "It's like waking up from a dream. Once, when I came home, I saw my mother playing in the yard to catch stones, I played with it when I was a child, a dozen chestnut-sized stones, throw one of them high, and try my best to grasp the ground with my hand, and at the same time grab the stones on the ground, I have to catch the stones that fall from above, and the more I grab at once, the more powerful it is. My mom played very seriously, her eyes were fixed on the thrown stones, and when she caught it, she had a smile on her face, and there was a kind of naughtiness that was not appropriate for her age. My mother was not embarrassed at all when she saw me come back, and said ostentatiously, "I caught eight pieces at the most today!" ”

I felt a surge of anger rise in my chest, and with a calm face, I walked into my back room and slammed the door shut. I suspect that my mother has a mental problem, and when I met Aunt Guan on the street, she also had the same worries as me: "Why don't you knock and don't open the door for me, I obviously saw her in the yard, and I shouldn't call her, this can't go on, and a good person will be ruined if he stays like this." ”

What kind of system does an adult who doesn't work, doesn't see people, and still plays this game played by a seven or eight-year-old child at home! But she is my mother, and I can't care about her, so I can only ignore her, hoping that she will come to her senses.

However, my mom suddenly came to her senses without warning, which caught me off guard.