Monday was fine

I was away from home for two days and didn't keep a diary. But this time, I guess it's the last time I've recorded it in this diary, right?

Looking back at the diary I wrote, whether it was recording the weather or describing my mood, every page, every paragraph, every line, and every word was written by myself by hand. And the images I depict and the moods I describe are all about him, Ning Shaoling.

This diary is like a daily watch sheet for me, I've been writing it for over four years, starting in fifth grade, and this is the sixth diary. I had never realized that time would pass so quickly, that when I saw that thick stack of diaries, I was amazed and thought, "Huh? It turns out that so many days and nights have passed since I liked him. Time really flies, and I don't know it, it turns out that I like him for so long......

I used to think that I would keep a diary, write a word about him every day, record his beauty and my feelings, and keep writing until he found out about the existence of these diaries...... I also fantasized about whether it would come to that day, when he touched this thick diary and asked me, "So you have liked me for so long, silly girl, why didn't you sue me earlier?" Before he finished speaking, I estimated that I had rushed into his arms like a tearful man and hugged him tightly, and definitely seriously, and shouted to him: "Yes, I have liked you for many years, how do you know now?" "At that time, all tears and sweat will turn into nectar and honey, and it will be worth the years of waiting and forbearance.

If my dreams could become a reality, how happy would I be now? Even if it can't be realized, can you stay in time when you were a child? How nice it would be if people didn't grow up and would always be children? You don't have to know too much, you always have a smile on your face, your body is full of motivation, you want to say things straightforwardly, and you want to do things first...... Back when I was a child, at that time you only had me as a little partner, and I only had you as a little friend, firmly believing that each other would accompany each other forever.

So, what exactly has changed each other? Is it time? It's such a strange thing, time can prove to you how much I like you, but it is time that keeps you farther and farther away from me......

I cried again, my eyes were so swollen that I couldn't stop crying. Until this moment, I really realized that we parted ways, and there was a feeling that we would never see each other again, and it was really sad.

The moment I learned from Teacher Xiaorou that Shaoling was gay, the world seemed to have nothing to do with me. The heart is like being cut with a knife by one's own hands, but the blood does not shed a drop, how can it not bleed? But my heart hurts. My heartache is not the fact that Shaoling likes boys, but why did Teacher Xiaorou deceive me?

Since she knew the secret from the beginning, why didn't she tell me? If you don't sue me, why do you promise me to help pursue Shaoling? I don't understand, I don't dare to think about it. As soon as I touch this problem, I will think of the past, how she helped me get closer to Shaoling step by step, think of the tricks she sued me, think of her smiling at me, think of her support for me, encourage me, and the memories turn over the clouds, my mind will go blank for a while, my body will be cold, my hands will tremble constantly, I feel both scared and angry.

Why does everyone treat me like a child? Is it because children are better at fooling and cheating? Shaoling said that he only regarded me as a sister, but when I turned around, I found that he was ambiguous with the boy named Lu Yan. Teacher Xiaorou told me to cheer, saying that one day I would be able to move Shaoling, but the truth was that she knew that there was a cliff in front of her, but she blindfolded me with a black cloth and told me that Shaoling was in front. What the hell is this? What do you all think of me?

If you really want to reject me, why don't you just tell me the truth? It made me die of love, and I broke off my unrequited love for a few years, just crying, no big deal. If you really want to help me, why hide Shaoling's secret? I'm not vulnerable, I'm not unhurt, so why use a lie to cover up another lie to hurt me?

I suddenly felt that "I know" are four terrible words. If it exists in a person's consciousness, it means that the person has an understanding that guides one's behavior, speech, and actions. However, in my opinion, Ms. Xiaorou did not apply theory to practice...... It's horribly stupid to turn a deaf ear and not say a word when you know it.

Some people say that stupidity comes from ignorance, and then the hateful must also be ignorant. When I think of this, I don't seem to feel so sad...... Why should I be sad? Others base their happiness on my pain and don't take my feelings into account at all...... Why should I weep? Is it worth it? The tears are my own, and I don't want to waste a drop.

After figuring this out, I was instantly relieved. yes, why should I waste time and energy with idiots?

So I decided to drop out of school and study abroad. My father was a little surprised by my decision, and my mother refused to let me leave. But at my insistence, they relented.

Am I running away? Escaping from this familiar city, escaping from those familiar people, from the moment I made the decision, I was thinking about it. In the morning, I went back to school to go through the withdrawal procedures, and looked at my alma mater where I had lived for three years. What would I be like to escape from a familiar environment and go to another strange place? I didn't have time to think deeply, I just felt that let's go, let's go, leave the sadness in the sad place, and go away.

I didn't sue anyone for the temporary decision to quit because there was no one to talk about. Do you want to say hello to Shaoling? I had this question, but it was quickly rejected by my own pride. Don't think too much about it, my dear, he doesn't care about himself at all. No matter where you fly, the other party won't care.

When I finished the formalities and was about to leave, I saw Mr. Xiaorou running on the opposite floor. She burst into the office and seemed to be looking for me. I didn't want to be found out by her, hiding in the corner. I looked at her, what a familiar face, I remembered the nights when I discussed the "battle plan", and I remembered every time Teacher Xiaorou gave me advice, those pictures are vivid...... But, so what? It turns out that the best can only stay in memory. And I have to be the one who walks out of the memories.

Put away the tears, put away the ratio, put away the notebook.

Don't write it, that's enough, just let the past me stay in this moment.

I will definitely be back.

Written by Lin Xuemei