(a)

On that day, we walked side by side along the misty boardwalk on the shore of Baojing Lake.

We looked back at a lot together.

You say, "Actually, the time my eldest brother punched me, I suspected in my heart that I had a very serious illness. But I don't want to think about it. My father gave me an explanation that training in the barracks was too hard and too tiring, and I accepted it. ”

"I confirmed that I had an incurable serious illness after Master woke me up. But I wasn't completely dead at that time. Even when I returned to Cheongcheon to recuperate, I didn't completely give up. ”

"I think that since I have been able to control the disease for more than ten years, maybe in the future, after the fatigue caused by those hard training, I can still control it and persist in not getting sick for more than ten years. After recovering from my injuries at Yantangguan, I fell off my first horseback ride, and after talking to Dr. Matthew, I began to understand that it was impossible. I really don't have a chance to marry you, let you be a mother, and accompany you to old age. ”

You say, "When I first returned home from Cheongcheon, I was very sure that I had what it took to make you safe and happy for the rest of your life. I am very sure that I am more capable than Xia Wenhou's son and give you a peaceful and happy life. I'm pretty sure I won't change my mind, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to protect you, I'm very sure we'll be happy together. ”

"However, accident after accident, injury after injury, and growing pain shook my confidence. I have found that it is equally difficult to protect a person and give them a happy life. I've been careful, but as soon as I turn around, an accident will hurt you, and it will almost consume you again and again. ”

You say, "On the rainy night when we and Junko Pegasus escaped from Zhuangzhen, I was hit by barbed wolf's tooth arrows in the shoulder and under the ribs, and I watched the rain of arrows flying densely around us, and I tried to block them for you, but I couldn't even lift my arms, and later, I couldn't even sit up straight." I had no strength in my whole body, and even my breath was exhausting, and I could only watch death envelop you in a dense manner. I can only pray in my heart that they don't touch you. ”

"Later, Junko performed an operation on me at the outpost. I watched him cut through me. Looking at the skin being cut, the blood vessels, tendons, mucus, muscles, and bones inside were exposed, and I looked at the things that made up my body, and none of them were solid. Only an inch of sharp metal can make this fragile combination no longer function. With just an inch of metal, you can destroy it. ”

"In the pain of the operation, I began to realize that this combination of bodies, which is dangerous and can be punctured and broken at any time, is not enough to become your lifelong dependence. It's unreliable. ”

"It's painful to realize that you're not reliable. But it's true. From the torment of being hurt again and again, and falling down again and again, I realized that it was irrefutably true. ”

You stop, you face me, your hands on my shoulders.

You say, "Qin'er, flesh and blood, breathing, and dying cannot be your lifelong dependence." If you want to rely on something like this in your heart to achieve a lifetime of happiness. Then this hope will be in fear and danger of being dashed at any time. ”

You say, "Jean." I'm not your dependent. Neither is the King of Han. Not even your own body. If you put your life's expectations for happiness on the idea of relying on others or your own flesh and blood, disappointment again and again, and finally despair, will inevitably follow. ”

You say, "The more I kill, and the closer I get to death, the clearer I see: there is nothing solid in this fragile world that can be relied on for happiness." Power, subjects, abilities, children, family, friendships, everything is like this sky of ice and snow, which looks immense, but as soon as spring comes, it quickly dissolves into nothingness. ”

I said, "If everything is unreliable, then happiness is impossible?" ”

You say, "It's just the kind of happiness that people think is impossible." ”

I said, "People's unhappiness is due to the expectation of wrong, impossible things?" ”

You say, "That's right." ”

(b)

I said, "If you love each other and grow old together, that's a false expectation, why should you come back from such a distant place with the pain?" ”

You say, "Because I want to come back and let your grief calm down, bring you back to your composure, and then, I can tell you what I've seen." Then, when you are at peace, you can see the same thing for yourself and with your own eyes. ”

You say, "Qin'er, I won't be able to meet your expectations when I come back, because after a few short days of satisfaction, we will still be separated." Even if there is no war, even if there is no disease, even if there is no covenant and the king of Han, we will eventually be separated. The pain of this day may come later, but sooner or later. From the day we loved each other, this pain was inevitable. ”

You say, "Expecting sweet continuation, fear of painful separation, that's the wrong expectation." I can't come back to meet this expectation of yours, and I can only tell you that it was a false expectation. You have to stop expecting like that. ”

You say, "Qin'er, this pain is inevitable, and there is no escape from separation." The only thing that can be done is to take them all on the shoulder. Knowing that they are inevitable, take them calmly and take them bravely. Don't be crushed by them, don't be overwhelmed by them, don't be suffocated by them. ”

"Qin'er, whether it is an injury, a disease, or a death, it can only hurt our bodies. And our mentality, it doesn't have a body, it can't be hurt. It can be fine all the time. ”

(c)

The emperor always thought that when we walked by Baojing Lake that day, we were talking about love, thinking that we were talking about our lovesickness and concern for many years, and pouring out our inner heat and passion. However, we didn't talk much about love that day. Most of what we talked about that day was about life and death, about joys and sorrows.

You came back from a long journey just to have a good discussion with me about life and death before you say goodbye.

At today's age, I am deeply relieved that we were talking about truth, not just love.

Only love that can lead the other party to see the truth is a good love. The rest are just meaningless obsessions.