My name is Qin'er, and I live in a place called Holy Land.

Initially, everything was normal. I have a dad who loves me, a mom who loves me, and a sister who loves me, and I play with them a lot.

One day, for some reason, people called me a saint; Everything has changed, the previous happiness is like a dream, nothing is there.

I've been lonely ever since. I like poetry, I love songs, I love playing, but they only show me holy books. I could read every word, but I couldn't read what it meant; Later, I could understand its meaning, but I couldn't understand its meaning; Later, I could understand the meaning of it, but I didn't understand why I did it; In the end, I got used to everything.

So I dreamed a lot.

I dreamed of flying over a large scarlet full moon on a multicolored unicorn, white clouds around my fingertips, and blue stars skimming my ears.

I dreamed that I was wandering in a canoe in the milky way that flowed like milk. I fell from the cliff of the Milky Way, fell with the waterfall of the Milky Way, and kept falling, falling, falling.

I fell on my back in the black well water. I tried to struggle, only to find myself trapped in a cage. I looked at the sky like the mouth of a bottle, it was so strange that I couldn't breathe.

A man rescued me. He has a bright and broad forehead, black crystal eyes, a handsome nose, and red seductive lips. He first grabbed me, then very gently put his arm around me and carried me to the shore. His words were both gentle and majestic, and we recited poems, played the piano and painted, and even talked about love......

I told my maid about it. Later, the Senate found me and said that I was a saint and could not have human emotions. Say I should dedicate myself to God, to the Holy Land, to humanity, to the whole world. I remember a clear quote when they said, "You are the hope of all, and you should give up all hope and throw yourself into the arms of God." ”

People say that I will always guarantee the reproduction of mankind, and I will always postpone the apocalypse. They frightened me that when the apocalypse came, God would not send a flood or a fireball, but that when the day came, the trees would live forever and the human race would live forever, but all order would collapse and the world would be destroyed.

I thought, what does it matter me to destroy the world? Like what does the existence of the world matter to me?

They asked me to fulfill the duties of a saint, and I was pushing and procrastinating. If the sky falls, I don't want to hold on to it.

What's the point of my emotions being erratic and capricious, alternating between joy and sorrow, hope and despair?

Then I stopped dreaming, I gave up all my emotions and was as calm as an ancient well. On the surface of this ancient well, a nineteen-year-old girl is reflected, and her reflection is getting closer and closer. She struggled desperately, but her fate was sealed.

If everything is sad, why can't you take sorrow as happiness; If you really think of sorrow as happiness, you will feel that everything is still good.

More and more, I feel that everything is happy, normal, and eternal.

Before I leave everything behind, I would love to say goodbye to myself, like taking one last photograph – when I'm old, I can still rub my youthful face.

Therefore, when some people spread the rumors of the Son of God in the mainland, I left the holy land by all means and came to the mainland.

That would be the final self.

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As the patriarchs say, the interior is barbaric and backward, cumbersome and boring, full of cults, idolatry, ancestor worship, fraud and hypocrisy......

I quickly discovered that it had some benefits as well, though. Even in the desert, there will still be oases, even in the ice fields can still be found snow lotus, not to mention the sunny and fertile interior.

Their equipment and weapons are ridiculously simple, from sticks to machine guns, like playing at home. The upside: it's fun, and it's not very harmful.

They have a lot of food, they spend a lot of time cooking, eating, and it doesn't turn out to be the same sugar in the stomach? However, at least it is refreshing to eat. Even though I knew it was a sin to the mouth, I couldn't help but like it.

Whether it is the inner court, the outer court, or the ordinary people, they always spend a lot of time leaning over each other. However, their status can be up or down, which is what I envy the most.

There was a lot of commotion in the streets, but everyone was happy. People were buying and selling clothes and other things on the street, as well as all kinds of religious believers, actors, sacrificers, and stunned, and I even saw Qinglou. Although the girls in the Qinglou are miserable, they look very happy.

It's confusing.

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My mission in Chang'an has not been smooth, and false believers, false prophets, and false sect masters have appeared one after another, and it seems that everyone is against God.

I'm always thinking, what is destiny? For example, they say I can be doomed to a task, but I don't do anything, can I do it? What happens if you don't complete the task? What's the use of me if it does it naturally? Am I just superfluous? Can fate be fated too? For example, if I commit suicide, am I still a saint?

I was irritable, and the more irritable I was, the more angry I became, and then arrogance, jealousy, hatred, meanness, cruelty, self-deception...... Eventually, all the sins came upon me, and I became more arrogant, irritable, hateful, jealous, mean, cruel, and self-deceiving...... I guess I've done all the sins in the holy books.

Emotions are like a crater that has been suppressed for thousands of years. I don't know which one is me, 10,000 years of silence, or an instantaneous eruption?

I used to think that mainlanders were fools who lived like walking corpses, but I have a friend named Dongfang Ju, what does he say about this person - very smart, complex, between good and bad, good and evil. He was a high-ranking eunuch in the inner court, and he knew a lot, and he was sent to serve me—or spy on me, who cares!

He told me that thought is the root of all evil. Sounds a lot like the Mind Department, right? The Ministry of Thought said that it is the truth of the world that subjects have no thoughts and that masters rule everything. What Dongfang Ju said is that thought is wrong, and human beings have transgressed the truth to produce thoughts, and people's hearts cannot be changed unless they change. He said to me that all rules, morals, and concepts are false, and that there is no arrogance, irritability, hatred, jealousy, meanness, cruelty, self-deception, nothing.

I knew that his mind was that of a cult, and I could have killed him immediately. But I listened to him and let go of all my emotions, and I felt immediately happy. Even though he was wrong, I liked it.

Maybe I'm really weak, maybe they really chose the wrong person.

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Until one day, I met a person in the bustling county of Chang'an.

It was a hot day, the sky was as blue as the dome of a holy place, and the red sun shone so hard that I couldn't open my eyes. The heat wave rolled under the red walls of the palace, the air froze, and even the cicadas held their breath, and everything was like a fairyland.

I knew what was going to happen.

I was dressed up that day because I was going to have a private visit.

A lot of bad guys want to tease me, but I put up with it, I don't want to reveal my identity.

The man appeared. He shouted: "Bold thief, dare to bully a woman of a good family in broad daylight!" ”

Those bad guys wanted to hit him, but they were all scared away by his righteousness.

His eyes were quietly watching me.

I looked at him quietly.

Everything next to it comes and goes, the sun rises and the moon falls, spring and autumn, and the stars move.

It was an eternity.

He is the embodiment of the man of my dreams, thin but not lacking in courage, not high in status but noble in temperament.

He invited me to dinner, and that was my first drink.

Later we often had "trysts". You read that right, the word is "tryst". I can say without hesitation that we have been "trysts". I started thinking about the Holy Land all the time, then I only thought about it occasionally, and then I forgot about it all.

It was the most enjoyable time I had. We visited every prefecture in Gyeonggi, and I chatted with him, watched plays, took pictures, and ate. When I'm not with him, my mind is full of his voice. We asked people to pass on the words, and the words were as hazy as passwords, so that those people could not scratch their heads. We write letters, and the letterhead smells of each other.

When I was in the Holy Land, I felt that time was frighteningly slow; Now in the happy mainland, I feel that time is terrible.

The Holy Land has finally arrived.

There are no impermeable walls, I guess.

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I knew the day was coming.

I dreamed every day at night, once I dreamed of my man, and once I dreamed of the Holy Land.

Now that they have come, my heart is as quiet as an ancient well.

My sister is going to take me back.

She said how she envied my sainthood, but she didn't understand it, they didn't understand it! I don't want my God, I just want my love.

Everything is meaningless, some are nothing. And I'm looking for my meaning, my love.

So, my man and I went away.

I once laughed at the lowly Qinglou woman, Dongfang Ju said: "Every fruit was once a flower, and not every flower can give birth to fruit." ”

At the time I didn't understand him at all, but now that I do, I've become a heavy, hopeful fruit.

I'm free.

I have no regrets.